I have both my parents in AL. Mom has progressed to mild - moderate dementia & my dad is beside himself. He feels the need to "take care of her" even though there are staff around to help (though not always prompt). The main problem is that she has outbursts of anger toward him; other times she says things that make no sense.
Today she told him that she heard him talking to my aunt (who has been dead about 8 years) about buying shoes. This befuddles him as he doesn't know how to respond. I've been trying to help him with "therapeutic fibbing" but it's taking a while. She really needs memory care, but he does not. So we're planning on separating them, with her moving to the Memory Care side of the AL & he would stay on the regular side in a different apartment. He can see her anytime, but knows she will be monitored more closely when he's not with her.
The problem is that mom has moments of clarity when she seems to relate fairly well. What would be the best way to present the separation to her, with the idea of avoiding a blow-up or meltdown? At the AL there is another couple who has this same arrangement & seem to be doing fine, but I think the wife has more advanced dementia than my mom. Obviously we will try to discuss with this gentlemen, but I'd like to get some other ideas. Please advise if anyone has experienced this & has some recommendations. (By the way, this forum has been a great resource for me as I've been part-time caregiving for them for about 4 years & finally got them to AL. I have recommended AgingCare to others & even some health care professionals. Thanks to all who contribute!)
I hope some other ideas will come out, too! It’s a difficult time for you all.
My Mom and stepdad had to live separately because of mom's dementia. He was able to visit when he wanted. In the beginning he would take her to the main facility dining room for lunch and dinner. First the dinner visits had to stop because of mom's sundowning behaviors. Later lunches had to be moved to the memory care dining room because mom was extremely disruptive to others in the main dining room. Once she ended up in the kitchen yelling that the couple eating with them was trying to get stepdad to pay for their meals.
Rules for him visiting will change. The facility may even ask him not to visit at all for a period of time, one week, two? Depends on how mom's adjustment progresses.
Good luck this is really hard for all of you.
If he does not need the security of Memory Care he could be given the code so he can come and go as he wishes, just as if he were visiting.
He can continue to "help care" for her but obviously would have more help in doing so.
I know of more than one facility that allowed a spouse to move in and the spouse had NO medical problems at all.
Always ask, never assume. The answer could be yes.
After she she began hitting my dad there was no other decision but to separate them. We sat them both down and discussed that the state wanted them separated for safety and that the memory unit had more experience with helping mom. The doctor said to tell her she had Alzheimer’s and needed more support, the psychiatrist told us not to tell her since she would forget. We asked the AL to talk to them instead and mom seemed to listen. Dad was angry and did not agree but we reiterated what AL said and told him that this way they will be in the same place vs being separated .
my suggestion is to talk to them both about what’s going on and concerns being careful not to put the blame on mom, have the AL talk to them about providing more care in memory and let them be the ones to tell them they have to separate. You just be the supportive adult child. Eventually your dad will understand and there will be brighter days. It’s a long road of good and bad days.
By the way, the move for them has been about 2 months now. Mom is in memory and dad is in AL. Mom’s quality of life has improved, no falls , no hospitalizations and less outbursts now that they are separated. I bring dad to see mom at least 2 days week for 3 hours and they are both happier. It takes about 5 weeks for someone to adjust to being in memory but it will get better. Just get your dad to socialize a lot in AL as they get lonely not being together.
After her last hospital visit, i was concerned she might need memory care. I was advised by AL that they could provide more support and she did not need to go to MC until she needed to be fed or she wandered. Does your mom have either of these needs? Also, what is the highest level of care the AL facility provides? They are not all the same.
When I checked it out, the cost for MC for one person was about the same as the cost for AL for 2 people! So if money is a factor, please do your research carefully. My guess is that moving both to MC would require that MC cost for both. If your dad does not need it, it could seriously impact his social life and it may have implications regarding medical care as we'll. Investigate this carefully.
You might also consider if your mom would qualify for palliative care for dementia and if a part time private pay aide would be sufficient and less disruptive than separating them.
We had a conference with the AL staff and are having a paliative care evaluation, covered by Medicare, next week.
Also see if there are meds that can help with your mom's anger. My mom has melt downs that require meds as needed.
As an aside, when I can no longer take my mom to her multiple medical appointments, it may be time to reconsider MC regardless of other needs. She is a largest woman and is becoming weaker due to inactivity. If she cannot assist with standing and getting in and out of wheel chair, then I will not be able to take her.
At least your parents are already in a duel program facility! I dread having to move mine for the 4th time as it is so disruptive, but it may be necessary. Time will tell.
Good luck to you and stay in touch.