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Mom is 78 and just got out of rehab. Rehab ordered a full sling Hoyer lift for transfers even with a commode opening. The problem is that mom refuses to try, she always says "I can't," and never tries. Tonight, when I tried to get her up to change her bed, she ended up sitting on the recliner and crapping herself.


I have a bed in the bedroom, unfortunately I cannot get the legs under her new bd frame so she can't sleep in her bed, in fact she even told me she wasn't going to that she was good on the chair. NOT so she thinks that she will remain in the recliner.


Finally got her up to get her on the bedside commode and get her changed.


What do you do with someone with dementia that refuses to do anything except tell everyone, "Put me in a home?" I just want to cry. I do not know what to do.


Please help me, I am drowning.

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Mom is saying to put her in a home.
So put her in a home with a full staff to help her . Visit her whenever you like .
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As soon as someone told me I would need to use a hoyer lift, my LO would be in Long-term care. You had the opportunity when Mom was in Rehab to place her. She could have been evaluated for 24/7 care and if needed, transfer to LTC right from Rehab. Where I live, Rehab and LTC are in the same building so easy transfer. You use what ever money Mom has for her care then apply for Medicaid. If no money, than apply for Medicaid. The SWs (social workers) could have helped u.

If Mom has money place her now. My Mom had 20k that paid May and Junes care. That gave me time to apply for Medicaid which started in July.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
I agree, JoAnn. There’s a limit to what we can do.

All of this nonsense, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” is killing caregivers. The caregivers end up becoming sick themselves from being stressed and unable to care for their own needs.

Some situations become entirely too much for one person to handle.
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Your mother is not "refusing" to do things.....she's incapable of doing things due to her Dementia (& other health issues) which is why she was sent home with a Hoyer lift! Why would you have taken her home in such condition to begin with, is what I question, when she clearly needs 24/7 care in Skilled Nursing? I would be drowning myself if I were in your shoes! Hold up the white flag of surrender now and ask for help getting mom properly placed. It's the right thing to do and no sign of "failure" on your part at all. Unless you have the funds to hire a 24/7 nursing staff at home, you can't possibly attend to all of her needs alone!
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Is it possible that out of the love you feel for her you are significantly overestimating what she has the potential to do?

Are you willing to consider that possibility?

It is TERRIBLY difficult to think objectively when dealing with a cherished LO in the situation you’re in.

The “responsibility” you took on may well be far too much for even the most well intentioned person to assume.

Although any requests or demands or suggestions made by someone with dementia must be carefully weighed against the reality of their situation, it would seem a possibility that she is requesting of you what might in fact be best for you both.

You will feel better yourself by realizing that residential care might be better than any amount of care you can give, then researching nearby residential care sites, so that you know what’s available “just in case”.

Again, out of love, you may not be able to do what you’d hoped when she was released from rehab, but a decision made on behalf of her SAFETY (and yours), may be the best of the choices available to you.

Good luck, however you decide.
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You say that you don't know what to do, but in reality you do know what to do. You're just afraid for some reason to do it.
Your mom is telling you to put her in a home, and that is what you MUST do.
Your mom will receive the 24/7 care she requires and get to hang out with folks her own age, and you will be able to get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her extremely burned out caregiver.
It will be a win win for you both, so get the ball rolling today to get mom placed.
And no more excuses!
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It’s understandable that you feel like you’re drowning. It’s hard to be a caregiver when you have challenges such as this.

What is stopping you from seeking outside assistance?

If your mom says, “Put me in a home,” please don’t hesitate to start looking for a facility.

Many people actually do much better in a facility where they can receive care from trained professionals.

I am sure that you have the best of intentions and want to help your mom, but obviously, she isn’t cooperating with you. So, let others try.

You can be her advocate and visit her as often as you like.

Best wishes to you and your mother.
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I've read your previous posts. You were given suggestions last summer by posters. Did you ever follow any of them? I don't see that you even replied to any of them.

Youi are in way over your head. Why are you in this situation?
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Im sorry for all this, it's stressful. Have a male friend help with the bed. Your mom could have some delirium (confusion) which makes dementia worse. Call her physician and ask if she qualifies for skilled nursing at home. They send a nurse, OT/PT and an aide for twice a week bathing services. Can mom afford to hire a caregiver? You can't do this alone & mom might need to be in a facility
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