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Jayme, I told both my parents, if you need access to my checkbook, I will see all of your financial records 1st. Because I am NOT paying to bail you out of poor choices. If that means you can't help someone else without borrowing or taking money from me, so be it. Everyone involved needs to live within their means. If sister gets ugly, file a restraining order against her so she can't dump her garbage on your parents or you.

I would turn her in for financial exploitation of vulnerable seniors. I don't walk on egg shells so people can be axholes and beggars.

Realize that you ARE NOT responsible to fix this mess they have made. You can help with a budget, get them services they need through social services and protect them from your sister by turning her sorry self over to the authorities but, you should not prop up their finances by giving them money. It's a barrel with no bottom and it seems as though your sister has them brainwashed.

Best of luck. This is a rotten situation to be in.
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iameli Sep 2022
I think your first sentence highlights an issue that hasn't been emphasized enough. Nobody should be throwing money into a black hole, regardless of who is asking. It sounds like OP has already been asked, and has given money but doesn't know the full financial picture. This is something many of us probably need to be aware of. My own parent is looking at changing her living situation due to finances and so far has only hinted around about the situation (has not asked for assistance--yet). But I will keep this in mind if she does. The full picture is revealed to all the siblings before any help is considered. I have a brother who would probably open the checkbook and expect the three of us to contribute equally, without asking for the details. Thank you, you've helped me, and others I'm sure, get ahead of this.
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“They are in a very serious financial situation”. Yes absolutely. “That is going to become a very big problem for me and my husband pretty soon”. NO, unless you are crazy.

You are in an unusual situation, in that it is quite recent for you to discover what a mess they have got themselves in. You need to turn around your own beliefs and actions, quite suddenly. You have always treated them with respect. Changing is a shock.

You still think “I don’t want to treat my parents like children” and “I don’t want to insult him by insinuating that he’s not going to become employed”. However commonsense says there’s “a sledgehammer above THEIR heads that’s about to fall’. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to lay it all on the line to both of them, then leave them to think about it. Give them sensible options (some have been suggested here). Make it clear that you will not be the solution if they won’t look at them. The bad news coming from you may be the kindest way for it to be clear.
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If you can't financially support your parents, you need to step away now. Your own retirement accounts will be quickly depleted and you will potentially putting your own kids in the same position when you get older. This is not your problem, it is theirs. As with many elderly people, they will never admit it and will probably only face it when a crisis arises.

If they continue to face the reality of their situation, there is nothing you can do but refuse to financially help them.
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1) Your dad will never make $9000 a month as a consultant unless he has some magical skill that no one else does. He's unlikely to be hired at all at 82 years old.
2) Your parents are living wayyyyy beyond their means.
3) You've suggested a financial planner or, better, an elder law attorney and they've dismissed you.
4) You are going to be hit up by them for money and you've got to learn to say NO.
5) With that kind of loan and credit card debt and a reverse mortgage they'll soon need to declare bankruptcy which will help them to wipe the slate clean but they'll have to learn to live on their Social Security income.
6) You must keep saying NO when they ask for money.
7) Don't expect your sister to do anything and expect your parents to lay guilt onto you.
8) Continue saying NO. Contact an elder law attorney NOW even if they won't go with you. You can talk to the attorney about your parent's situation and get pointed in the right direction for the help your parents are going to need.
9)Repeat Steps 6 and 8 as needed.
10)Practice saying NO in front of the mirror.
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Sounds like it's far too late for dad, mom, and sister to learn anything from this situation. If dad thinks he's going to earn $9,000 per month at age 82, he is not only in a fantasy world--he may have lost some judgement due to mild cognitive impairment or even early signs of dementia. If mom has nothing to add, she may be losing common sense as well. You have to start thinking of all 3 of these people as medically and mentally vulnerable people who will never make good decisions again, and unfortunately you are the only one available to plan for their needs. They are not the same people you struggled with for decades. Those people are gone. They are frail elderly and mentally ill, unable to care for themselves financially and medically. If you can change your mindset, it'll be easier to do what you can and also maintain boundaries. You must butt in to your parents' financial situation, ideally with their cooperation, but you might have to sneak a little too. The immediate goal is for them to sign a Power of Attorney document making you agent--this means you are legally allowed to use their resources to plan for and pay for their care. Make sure it's a 'durable' power of attorney, which takes effect immediately. If they refuse to pay a lawyer $500 for this, you should consider paying it yourself, because it's the only way you can do anything for them at all. Phrases to look up: mild cognitive impairment, durable power of attorney, special purpose trust for mentally ill.
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Jayme1213, I can understand how frustrating your situation can be. My sig-other always was frugal, lived below his means, etc., yet his brother had filed two financial bankruptcies because he just loved to show off.

Your Dad said he need $9k per month to support him and your Mom? Really??? He really needs to roll back his lifestyle. And downsize into something more affordable. Or is he worried about what the Joneses would think? Heavens, the Joneses are probably up to their eyeballs in debt, too. Or is your Dad including all the debt he owes in that $9k.

As mentioned by others, your parents need to speak with a financial adviser or even an Elder Law Attorney. Time to get all their ducks in a row. And for them to wash off the ATM off their foreheads in regard to your sister's lifestyle. I know they meant well, but it's not working as sister hasn't learned a darn thing.
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These are their problems -- period. You shouldn't be punished (or punish yourself) for being fiscally responsible while you parents and sister have not.

The only way kids learn fiscal responsibility is by earning their money and paying their own bills like gas and insurance. Now your parents and sister get to learn the same lesson, but they won't with you trying to bail them out. Empathize with them over their situation, offer suggestions for living within their means if asked, but that's where it ends.

Your suggestion that they use a financial adviser is excellent, but if they won't even do that, then you know how serious they are about fixing their problems. Don't take their monkey on your back, because you can save someone who won't save themselves.
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The credit card debt and personal loans don't matter at this point. Since they basically have nothing then there is nothing for these companies to take. They need to stop paying on the debt and declare bankruptcy. If they refuse then whatever don't give them money to pay these debts or any of their bills.

Your dad is living in a fantasy world that he needs 9000 a month to live on. Give me a break. Don't give your parents money. This is their problem not yours.

Believe me there are many resources for broke seniors. HUD housing etc but you will have to start looking into this stuff now. Some have waiting lists.

And whatever you do, DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT move them into your home. Ever.
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First step, do not give them any more money. They brought this on themselves and it is unfair of them to expect you to bail them out. The compounded problem is they will continue to fund your sister with your bail out money. Refuse to be an easy solution until they grant you access to all their financial information. Can they sell their home (and I assume no profit ) and get a cheap apartment? If your father is so business savy, why not ask him what he plans to do if he can't find a job. Please do not ride in on your white horse to save the day. Put this on your parents to come up with solutions that doesn't involve your bank account.
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Jayme1213 Sep 2022
Thank you for this. I actually do need to hear straightforward answers like this. I have a lot of guilt about the anger I have towards this situation, mainly because my mom has always shut down my feelings and we have always walked on eggshells around my sister just to avoid her anger, which can cut to the bone.
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