Follow
Share

Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
thank you -- yes, this caregiving is nothing that we were prepared to do. and it tends to hit us in a time in our lives where we still have teenagers and such at home, and many of us are dealing with our own issues. This is very unpredictable and I, too, have been terribly hurt by family members not contributing. it is all up to me and those that do not see it or walk away, i think they will have much remorse
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Welcome to the club. I do understand your frustration. I have 9 brothers and sisters, 8 within 30 minutes from my house. I took our mother in to live with me 3 years ago when I realized she couldn't stay alone. I have 2 sons and a husband and a full time job and I had to beg one of my siblings to take my mom for a few days so I could spend time with my son before he left for college. I asked her 10 months in advance so she couldn't say no, by the way she is retired. My mother also was there for everyone of us, when we fell down (and we all did) she was there to pick us up. She let all of us stay in her house to save money to buy our own ( yes we all have our own homes because of her) but they have all forgotten. I have one sister who lives 15 minutes away and has not come to see her mother in 2 years. I sometimes wonder if I have to call them when she passes?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your circumstances are more common than you may realize. The burden of caring for an elderly parent often falls disproportionately or exclusively on one child . This occurs because other family members are indifferent, insensitive, ignorant, harbor longstanding resentments, live far away, etc. I belong to a support group for individuals caring for parents with Alzheimer's disease. The most common complaint at our meetings is how little brothers and sisters do to help them and their afflicted parents. These resentments can divide families to the point where brothers and sisters no longer speak with each other. As an onlyl child, I think these irreconcilable differences are tragic.

In my case, I am angry and disappointed that my cousins who never so much as pick up a phone to find how things are going or to speak with mom. This simple act of concern would mean so much to both of us.

I try not to dwell on my disappointments. I can't let them interfer with what I need to do. Neither should you. Just keep moving forward. The day of reckoning will be here soon enough.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sometimes it is a blessing to have the nonfunctional selfish family members out of the out of the way, they can do more harm than good. Believe me, when mom passes they will all be there whining, sniveling and saying what a wonderful person she was and how much they loved her. Then they will have their hand out saying mom would want me to have that. Unfortunately, we see it all the time. Caregivers need a lot of wisdom, grace & stamina to put up with greed & selfishness. Let your words be kind, filled with compassion, and few but to the point. Time is short & lost opportunites to show respect & build relationships will never be regained. And they will reap what they have sown. Sometimes they need to be reminded of that.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Selfish family members seem to be a 'common theme' and my heart goes out to you. About the best advise I can give you is to enjoy your time with your mother, and honestly it is best NOT to waste energy or time on those that seem NOT to have the time to give you the 'time of day'.

Look for help from 'the family of man' instead of your biological family. We can all sit here and say (honestly) that we wish it didn't happen, that we wished that other family was 'there for us and them' but it may not happen. But all that will do is waste YOUR time and energy when it could be spend doing something better!

I will tel you that when she passes you mind will NOT be filled with what you should have done, but what you DID together! Oh, and to answer your question about whether you should call or not, my answer would be YES. Your mind will be at ease, but expect some unique reactions from 'them'.

I spent more time with my Mother and I know that when she passed, mine was a feeling of great loss, but also relief to know that she was no longer 'lost and suffering'. God rest your soul Mom... I will always love you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Read book "The Sociopath Next Door." Will help you ID traits and know they will not change. Stay clear of them is best advice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

what i think is so hurtful is when family members dismiss the needs or problems of the elder because it tens to hurt us twice. Once for our Mom, and then another time for us. I have spent many visits to the ER sitting in the waiting room by myself, feeling bad for my mom, dealing with the doctors, the after care, and then the fact that I'm alone in this and then dealing with my own immediate family issues. It can be so much. And then to deal with the grief of losing my respect for my siblings that are not here. When and if my mom passes before me, i do not want any of them around because it would be too hurtful and this has damaged the family dynamics for sure
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am 78 years young and thank God every day for good health and ability to care for myself. I was a devoted mom to 7 children. Months and years pass without a card, telephone call, email or visit from most of the children. We must remember that we live in a throw away society, where respect is no longer a social issue and making money is top priority, not family. I feel each child has to answer to a higher power. I believe in karma(you reap what you sow). I only have to answer to my Maker and am not responsible for what adult children do. This is my message to compassionate caregivers who have family members who rarely visit or help with aging .parental cares. Remember, dear caregivers, YOU WILL BE RICHLY REWARDED IF NOT IN THIS WORLD, BUT IN THE NEXT!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

bonnieadams59, you are so lucky to have such a Mom. I can understand your disappointment in others. But you are lucky to have this woman who did so much for you and this love will be with you the rest of your life. My Mom is the opposite. I have tried to be part of her life and she just doesn't care about me. So I dream of just having the relationship you are so lucky to have and I wouldn't let anyone else matter if I were you. You are truly blessed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

SAK9, I am so sorry for you. I would think in 7 kids, one would be close to you. As you said, you reap what you sow. If your children have kids, they are witnessing their treatment of you and learning. So........
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

its so bizarre, these 'loving' family memebrs you THOUGHT you knew, the claws come out and the mask comes off when the parent is close to dying. before dad is even gone, my sister is planning on how to screw me out of my half of this house, whitch is bizzare to me since im the one that moved back here, im the only one renovating this house and caring for dad, yet im not trying to screw her out of her half...
guess i got the compassion in this family
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My husband and I can completely relate to your story...he is the youngest of 4 (3 girls and him) and we moved in with his parents for 5 years at his dad's request as he could not handle his mom alone anymore (she had alzheimer's and was total care). I married into this situation and we spent 5 years caring for both of them, unable to take vacations, unable to even get away for a weekend. We were also the only ones with small children - 8 and a newborn when we started! We just gave up even trying to get them to help as it just angered us more than it was worth. 2 years ago, the one sister who lived the farthest away (about 2 hours) agreed to move in so we could move to our dream home in the mountains. She has found exactly the same issues since she has moved in. My mother in law passed away last spring and we can only assume that if his one sister was not there to call us, we wouldn't have been told about it. This situation affected me so deeply that I started a geriatric case management business (I am an RN and certified case manager by training) and unfortunately, I see this scenario all the time. All you can do is be glad that you have the opportunity to be with your mom as much as you are and know that they are the ones missing out on returning the love and support they received growing up. I truly believe Karma works and know that those that treat their parents with such disrespect and lack of concern will get what is coming too eventually!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Just make sure you have the Power of Attorney for Mom and that you are in charge of the bills and her finances. I just discovered that my brother (who lives around the block) and won't see my mom for 4 years, has embezzled thousands of dollars from my mother's reverse mortgage taken out for her survival and has taken all the rents from an income property that my mom couldhave used to pay for full time aids. He is denying this corrupt behavior and his wife is screaming at me for telling them to pay for ours mom's car insurance for the last 5 years even though mom stopped driving 6 years ago. They even charged their second car to my mom doubling her monthly car insurance bills when she should have had no bills at all for cars. So, forget your "family", be happy with what you are doing for mom and yourself, and get smart and get the power, see the attorney so your mom's assets are spent in a way that is beneficial for her. Know that you are doing the right thing and hopefully your children will do that for you someday, instead of abandoning you and stealing your money. I have lost this brother emotionally, and have lost such respect for him and his family. The grandchildren live around the block (they are adults ) and haven't seen my mom in 4 years. She asks for them all the time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This book, "The Sociopath Next Door," addresses a concern about the USA society. In this country, independence is encouraged and celebrated. Winning, being top of the heap. Winning at someone else's expense, competition. The elders are expected to leave their fortunes to their children, and getting a big share of this is part of the winning.

My parents both prided themselves on making plans for their future in a nursing home (insurance of $100 day...wow) so we kids wouldn't be bothered. That was the talk of our generation. Social Security would handle it all, Medicare.

The Greatest Generation, freed from the ravages of the depression and WWII prided themselves on advancement and providing every new device and experience for their children. We believed it, and sorta assumed we'd do the same thing. But we didn't have the deprivation, nor the work ethic, nor the experience of saving the world from Hitler's evil.

In the Asian countries, even the sociopaths are less obvious, because they mimic behavior based on filial piety and responsibility. There is a cultural system of how elder care is provided, carried through the eldest son and his wife. In this country, inheritance laws generally do not base distribution of inherited wealth as who loved the most, nor who put in the most hours caregiving. However, you can do this in your own will...and suggest if kids abandoned you, that you leave your estate to friendly neighbors, the few genuine relatives. or some nonprofit.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When you play favorites with your children, you damage your grandchildren. To reward one child for "special care" is opening a real can of worms. Not all children can care for their elderly parents the same. My mother has lost it a bit and thinks I want her money. Only my brother's name is on her POAs ect. Am I guilty, of course not. But if she made a will and left me out (which I would not deserve) she leaves out my 3 girls as well and my nephew who has always been a" prince" will inherit enough money to live well for the rest of his life. How do you think that will make my girls feel. So you have to look past the "rewards and punishment" and think of what you are setting up for the future. Or just give all to a charity and piss off everyone.:)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I live 7 hours away from my mom but call her every day. My brother wont help her cause he is lost in his own world.
My mom has Alzheimers and each day is gets harder. Im thankful for all shes done for me and will be apart of her life till end. I have tried to get my brother to call or visit but no help there. His lost and I dont feel he needs to know anything about her anymore. Awful, yes but his choice. When she is gone I will have pictures and memories of the times shes been here and visits we have had. Shes happy in her safe zone so cannot live her. I pray when the time comes to have a nurse with her I am able to leave my Three children to help her. I love my mom and feel sorry for those who dont put the effort to help their parents when they need you. All those that do God bless you! In the end you will be glad!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with everyone who says that "what goes around, comes around". I sometimes get very frustrated taking care of Mom (dementia) but not very often anymore. Once I realized that my family was not going to help and I was on my own I was able to let go of my ,hatred, jealously ??? what ever you want to call it, and just try to help my Mother. She is so afraid most of the time, she realizes her memomy is fading and everyday she has to be reassured that I will be there for her. It is very sad when she asks me why her other children never come, sometimes I lie and say they were just here, or they are coming tomorrow, she won't remember. But like many have said when the day comes that my mom closes her eyes for good, I will be sad but I don't think I will cry, only because I will know her fear is over and I did everything I could for her. I know how hard it is, you give up your home, time, sanity but as some said my sons have watched and grown up with Nana and have watched their mother take care of her. I truely believe my sons will be better men for it. Thay are very kind and protective of her, will listen to the same story over and over. This is a life lesson that can't be read about but has to be lived. I am so greatful for the chance to pay back a little of what my mother did for me. To All caretakers out there, Be Strong, Be Brave and Smile, we only get one ride on this Merry go Round:)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have taken care of my mother and brother (autistic) for several years. I recently had to place my mom in a foster care, as I couldn't lift her any more. My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given six to nine months. I moved him into my home and hospice (bless them) came in. He died just a few days ago and I am taking care of the final responsibilities. I miss him terribly, as well as my mother. I go to see her once a week and she is starting to fail. Our family is very small and I wonder if I expect too much of them. I only wonder what my lot will be when it is my turn and I need help. Young people forget that they too will be facing this some day.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I too am in your shoes. There are 4 of us kids and I am an only child when it comes to taking care of our dad. Dad is in the advanced stages of Parkinson's disease and has prominent bouts of dementia and also from another health issue.
If I had not stepped in about 8 years ago, when I got a call from the police finding my dad in the middle of the street (which I later realized) was acting out a hallucination he was experiencing, he would not be here today. Until this episode, I had not realized how far along my dad was with Parkinson's. At that time, one of my brothers was living with him. Which later I found out was only mooching off of my dad and living rent free and care free. When I asked him about what was really going on in the home, his only response was "I don't know, I just go to work and come home".
When I took my dad to live with me until I could look into and set up whatever resources were available, I was preparing for the long haul. I mad lite mention of sharing dad throughout the year, having him come live with each of us 3 months out of the year. When I saw their reactions and got their responses to this suggestion, I knew at that moment, I was the only one taking this journey.
So I pushed on and did what I needed to do to take care of my dad. He & I went and got POA for me, he already had my name on financial accounts, got his doctors down to 1 primary and 2 “support” specialists and got him down to only the meds that are necessary. I ultimately ended up moving me & my daughter & my husband (2nd marriage) into his house. He was so much more comfortable in his own home & I could no longer manage 2 households. Over the past almost 2 years he requires constant supervision. Luckily I have a sister-in-law who takes care of him during the day while my husband & I are at work. She gets paid for this (mostly) through a program my dad was fortunate enough to get & we supplement the rest of her pay. But after 5pm & on weekends, it’s us.
I only alert my siblings if dad ends up in ER or staying in the hospital and give them the phone # of the hospital. It is on them to call for info if that is what they desire. I am not the 411 info center nor do I have the time or energy to call everyone and keep repeating the same info.
Bottom line, do what you need to do for you and your mom. If you know in your heart that what you are doing is right, then sleep well at night. Let the chips fall where they may with your siblings and other family members. I know I am setting a great example for my daughter and I do sleep well every night (well, at least if my dad doesn’t wake up at 2:30am, LOL). :)
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Suggestion, there is a website for caregivers to create an info account for their loved one to keep all informed. My attitude was "I keep Mom alive, but I am not doing your relationship with her as well."

You can within your own facebook account create a group, secret one, and messages will go only to those in the group, like family members, respite caregivers, etc. The messages are generally forwarded to email boxes.

Within the secret group, you can create documents for resource information, photo albums, etc. The posts do show up on your own wall, but they are not seen by other friends not in the group. This gives a history of what transpired. Be careful of venting here, but you could document what happened during the hours during work and when you were on duty.

And remember, where you have your own family to help, and your own incomes, there are those sole caregivers are on often 24/7, with little respite. Time off spent running errands. Whatever you think your hardships, you'll find many who will make your gig sound like a walk in the park.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have no help with my mom, my brother refuses to help. My moms in moderate Alzheimers, when is it time to have her in nursing home and how can I get her help? She wont come live with me. Need advice!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My brother and sisters very seldom visit on their own. So the only way to keep them involved is to give them jobs that require them to come out to where dad lives with me. My one sister lives out of state so I don't see her much at all and when dad asks to go home with her, well you know the answer. The other sister is the one who has to fill the pill trays. Used to be two now there are three so the visits are farther apart, but she gets a call if she doesn't show up on time! The brother takes care of dad financial matters so he has to either send the rent in the mail or bring it out in person. All of them go "away" quite often. So I never quite know when they are in town and when they aren't, and they like to keep it a secret when and where they are going. Heaven forbit if one of us that is home taking care of dad should find out. Any way dad lives with me and my husband and we have not gone anywhere in three years. I found out that there is respite care for caregivers through the VA. When we find out more we may just take a day off. This is how I handle the situation with family!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ditto to all above.

I have lost my brothers because I and my adult daughter resisted their efforts to put her in a nursing home and are for her at home instead. All they cared about was the money, and when they realized Mom had given me POA, they blew up.

I used to send them pictures and long email updates on Mom and her care - but their return letters were always about the money I was spending. How dare I put a new heating and air system in her house? What was I thinking buying her a new refrigerator or washing machine? What was the poihnt or pulling up 40 yr old carpet and replacing it with new?

After 4 yrs of rejection and heartbreak, I finally just gave up.

My daughter, and now I, have given up a great deal of our own lives to care for a woman who doesn't even know who we are. It's the hardest thing I've ever done - and yet when I do lay my head down at night I know I've done right by my mother.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Mariesmom, If your brothers are concerned only about money, why on earth would they want to put your Mom in a nursing home. Talk about expensive! Nursing homes usually pretty much clean you out if the parent is in one long enough. I am not sure I understand what your brothers are really complaining about unless it is the loss of control. Sometimes guys think they have to be in charge. Take care
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It amazes me that people who don't want to devote a moment of their lives to the care of the elderly parents still feel like they are somehow ENTITLED to half of whatever they have in the bank! They even get testy if the old folks are spending to much of their inheritance. LOL
I am the POA of my mom -Durable, Medical and Financial. I live in the same town with her and even though I work full time and my husband works full time I inherited the job of taking care of mom. I am actually listed as her beneficiary because my mom said that since I am the one doing all the work I should be the one that benefits if there is anything left to benefit. My mom did this on her own when I first started taking care of her and she visited with the attorney alone so that they knew she was not under pressure from me. My sister lives about 2 hours away and calls my mom maybe every other month and she might see them for a few hours a couple of times a year. She has begged them to let her come spend a week with them but they say no or just ignore her pleading. Their don't want to leave her alone while they are at work. She lives alone right now....so what would be the difference? The sad thing is that she is plenty alert enough to know that they just don't want to bother with her. I have offered to bring her to them and get no response.
Anyway, I am sure that if she were to pass away tomorrow I would definitely hear from the family. We just sold her house so we don't have that problem anymore but I am sure if there is money in the bank when she goes they will expect some of it. Mom certainly doesn't owe them or the grandchildren anything so the fact that some people just expect an inheritance is rediculous.
Money does bring out the worst in people so I hope mom lives long enough to enjoy the money she has and not so long that she is totally unhappy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Madge - I believe the brothers wanted Mom in a nursing home to ensure they would not have to be bothered again. Neither of my brothers had much to do with mom after leaving home. She was (and still is, though now in a different way) not a very 'nice' person. Jealous, selfish, demanding and given to fits of paranoid rage. Her own parents realized this about Mom - warning my dad before he married her...

I and my adult daughter remained close to Mom because someone had to - and we took her into our care because it was the right thing to do.

Having lost in their bid to have her 'put away', their attention turned to her money and her property. "They must be doing it for the money" - for why else would we?

I miss my brothers in my life, but I also feel sorry for them, and I wouldn't want to be them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It may seem like I am the selfish one. But I like I have said in an earlier post, I do what I can. I visit Mom once a week, I call her 3 x a week. My sister says I am the selfish one, but if you look deeper you will see what I am up against. My husband has dementia, I still work part time despite the fact that I am disabled and in constant pain. I myself, am old. Mom had me when she was very young. I privately pay my own health insurance which has a $10,000 deductible with high premiums. When I try to help Mom it does no good, because Mom won't listen to me, just sister. When the holidays roll around, sister will not invite me to her home which is just minutes away from mine. But when sister wants something from me she wants me to jump to do it. But when I want something from her, its no dice. I'd be a lot more cooperative if she would invite me to her house for the holidays or she'd come to mine. So there you have it from the so called selfish one. I am doing the best I can with what I have.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

brandywine1949, well at least you visit regularly and call 3 times a week! If my oldest and only sibiling call 3 times a month it's a miracle. Both of my Parents are in N.H. nearby me, my sis lives 3 hrs away and hasn't been here in hummm lets see her birthday last yr Sept 3. And she came then to reap the goodies that Mom bribed her with. Well guess what...there aint no more goodies! So lets see if she makes it this yr.
It's so hurtful, and so disgusting to know that people can actually turn their love off from a good to the bone parent. Yes my Mom can be a handfull with her constant worrying and complaining but it didn't seem to bother anyone when
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

(Hit submit by mistake)...When holidays came around, all feet, grands, great grands were under mom's table, ate, drank and left merry. Same for birthdays, mom never missed theirs but now everyone is too busy to come visit once a qtr or send a card unless I ask them too. ( why????)

Bonnieadams59, I was wrought wiht bitterness, I'm still hurt for mom and dad, I know everyone has their problems, issues, etc and so do I. How do I manage? I manage thru prayer and thanksgiving, to each their own but this is how I get through my days. If I dwelled on what "they are not doing" I may have been under lock and key a few mos ago!

Focus on your mother's care, day by day you will be able to look only at yourself and know...you did alright. Sometimes alone is better,

Rest and well wishes,
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

i agree with alma, do what you need to do for you, not for drama filled relatives. its hard enough to do things on a daily basis, you sure dont need added baggage of others fighting..
stay strong, spend your energy wisely. ( im learning that one myself right now)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter