Follow
Share

I am 29 years old, my brother is 26 and our mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma a few months ago. The decline has been shockingly fast, she lost all movement in her left side and needs help with everything from sitting up to eating to using the bathroom. She lives with my dad who before this was the one with a ton of health problems (pre-diabetes, copd, back pain, the list goes on).



There was a period of time where she was in a rehab facility to get physical therapy for her but both places she was at refused to do any therapy because of insurance (Medicaid) and was just neglected the whole time. My dad is weak but was determined to bring her home and be a caregiver. It worked for the first 2 months but recently he’s started to take too many painkillers and has been too high and extremely aggressive. (We as a family dealt with this behavior a lot growing up and it’s a big source of the resentment my brother and I have for our dad).



It’s clear that if he’s going to act like this he’s not fit to be a caregiver but I don’t know who else can be with her 24/7. My brother and I both live about an hour/hour and a half away from them and we both have jobs that need us in the office. We both moved out of our parents house later in our 20s because we don’t have a lot of money. We had to help our parents pay for their rent and other things while working to get on our feet (my dad has made some really bad money choices that has left them with no assets, no house, no savings, nothing)



Looking online for advice it seems like the only real option is for me to quit my job and move home for a year but I don’t want to do that. I’d obviously be the sibling to do it because I’m the daughter and also I make less money. When my mom eventually passes I’ll still have to worry about my dad all the time and I’d rather never live with him again. If I move back home I’d lose all my benefits, health insurance that I need for the therapy I definitely need, and I will probably be in such a bad financial state that i won’t be able to move back to my city and live the life I was just starting to have. I don’t have a partner or anything either so there’s nobody to fall back on if things go bad.



My brother and I also go home every weekend (and then some) to take care of cleaning, cooking, laundry, medicine, and any of the administrative and financial tasks that is too much for my dad to manage himself.



As far as getting home care goes, the hourly rate is more than my own pay rate at work. I’m so young with no financial help from my parents that I don’t have much savings save maybe 3 months of rent if I need it. We can put her in a home again but I’d be getting manic 2am texts every night, where with my dad she complains but it’s less often.



My friends tell me I’m doing enough but none of them know what it’s like outside of seeing their parents help a grandparent while they die. This is a lot different. My aunt sometimes guilts me about not doing more since she was the primary caregiver for her parents but they at least had savings to pay for care and she was already retired, not just starting her career the way me and my brother are.



Am I making the right decision to take care of myself and my future or should I give it all up to take care of her until she passes? I know compared to some people a year is so short, but I dont think I can do this. I don’t want my whole life to be repairing all the damage done from my parent (dad) who has only ever been irresponsible but I also want my mom to feel loved and cared for in her last year of life. I know she wouldn’t want that for me but what we want and what’s the reality are two different things.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
GBM is very aggressive, most people live for only 18 months. Is your mother considered terminal yet, is she on hospice? If so, is it possible to take a six month leave of absence from your job? If a LOA is not possible, whatever you do, do not quit your job.

The other posters here are correct that you should check into their Medicaid eligibility.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like both qualify for Medicaid..............they could be placed together.

https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/eligibility/index.html

Try to get them placed near to you so that you can visit and keep an eye on their care......................"trust, but verify."
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

At the outset, I'm usually one of those people who is all about caring for your parents as much as possible. That said DO NOT quit your job to care for them. You have to have a job and build for the time when you'll need to have resources. Yes, you need to make your mom feel loved and cared for. You can do that by visiting or staying with her on the weekends/days off during this coming year. You can maybe take some family leave time for her, but do not quit your job. Since your parents have no assets Medicaid should be able to provide for an in-home caregiver and you can also look into hospice coming in. In the last few months/weeks, it may be that she will need in-patient hospice. Please do not feel guilty about not moving in with them. You need to care for them, but more important, you need to care for yourself. When they pass, you will still have a long life to live and you'll need to have the means to do that. Hugs to you as you take this tough, tough journey.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Don't quit your job to move in with your parents. A person like you did not have parents they could ever depend on. Like me, you had to be a parent to your parents and were pretty much on your own from a young age. Your life decisions have to reflect this. You have to take care of yourself and so for yourself. No one is going to pay your rent and bills.
Stop paying your parents' rent and bills. It's time for you and your brother to force your parents (especially your father) to grow up and start being an adult. If they are so poor, your mom is on Medicaid. She may have to go into managed care. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.
You cannot bail your parents out anymore. Don't quit your job and your source of support to go down with a sinking ship.
Either your father will get it together or your mother will have to go into managed care.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Yes, you are making the right decision to take care of yourself. They have made decisions to live their lives as they did, which is why they have no assets. This is not your problem! You do not need to give up the life you are building to take care of them.

Could you bring Mom to stay with you? Not permanently, but to spend some quality time, without your Dad?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

"The plan is now that the caregiver comes in from 7-7 during the weekdays and we switch off sleeping there at night just to make sure my dad doesn’t get any ideas to help while he’s also recovering. This plan is fine but now I have to spend 5 nights a week for the foreseeable future."

If you're switching off with your brother, why are you doing 5 nights/week? What happens during the weekend days?

What kind of community is this that is covering the costs for a caregiver for 60 hours/week?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

GBM symptoms can be fast but that doesn't always mean death is imminent. Has she had surgery? Even though they can't take out the entire tumor the debulking can improve quality of life for months or years. What follow up therapies have been recommended? Are either of your parents competent to pursue appropriate medical care for Mom? Many GBM patients live for several years after diagnosis. Some are even able to resume work after initial surgery and treatment. This isn't curable, but life expectancy is quite variable. Make sure you and your brother have medical POA right now, and can talk with her doctors.

Next, breathe, sleep, eat. Continue your life but make time, at least a few minutes a day, to call and say you love her. Tell her about the good things in your life - a funny moment at work, a new friend, a good experience with an old friend - these things will make her happy. Remind her of the good times in your childhood, especially those that involved family. Did you make cookies together? Did she do arts and crafts with you? Were there memorable family vacations? You will both benefit from this. Fond memories shared is the best way to make her feel loved. Weekly hugs are important too.

Don't spend money you don't have, but cooking her favorite meal if you are so inclined would be special. Monthly "dinner parties" are something to plan together and look forward to. Making a picture album is great - she can look through old and new photos of family every day and relive good times.

Think of all the ways you and your brother can show your love without being on call as caregivers. The most meaningful way, ultimately, will be to move forward and have good lives yourselves.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Beatty Sep 2022
What lovely advice!
Ways to show love are numerous.
(0)
Report
So I have ANOTHER update. The day after I posted this my brother and I drove down to check up on my parents and found my dad in terrible shape. My brother took him to the ER and he had pneumonia. He’s fine and back home but is obviously too weak to care for someone with as many needs as my mom.

While he was in the hospital, I stayed overnight and basically was her full-time caregiver while also working from home full time. My brother has less wfh options but still took days off to help and coordinated getting a paid caregiver to step in.

The plan is now that the caregiver comes in from 7-7 during the weekdays and we switch off sleeping there at night just to make sure my dad doesn’t get any ideas to help while he’s also recovering. This plan is fine but now I have to spend 5 nights a week for the foreseeable future. That means I can keep my job but I have to give up pretty much everything else. I was an actor after my day job was over and now that I have no nights available, I’m going to be very behind on the career I actually care about. But that’s just me complaining!

While my parents have zero savings to pay for their care, the community has pulled through on donations so a professional home carer is more of a long-term possibility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Beatty Sep 2022
I am pleased that your Dad is ok. Also pleased this new plan is working (for now).

Life will keep coming.. the criseses will keep coming..

Meet each new crises with new respect, greet it, accept it, then re-arrange the care plan to deal with it.

You have already come so far!

You & your brother being a TEAM is a wonderful framework to build on. Accepting the community help is adding to your framework (so many struggle with accepting this non-family help). Keep adding as you need.
Keeping them in their home *as long as possible* is a good aim. When the time of *not possible* arrives, greet it, accept it, then re-arrange the care plan to deal with it yet again.
(7)
Report
Try to think of “guilt “ as a choice you can make or not. When it came time to decide whether or not to bring my 86 yr old mom to live in my house there was no way I could do that. Reasons aren’t important, I just knew it wouldn’t work. On this forum I often read about intolerable situations leaving care givers feeling guilty and seeing no way to change the arrangement.
Guilt is often defined as good intentions we never had. You’ve described an untenable choice. Leave a job? Commute long distances? Take care of yourself? I have to admit I was lucky. Mom had enough to pay for assisted living. Your parents do have choices. Can they move to your town? Get some home care? I have a friend who was able get hospice care even tho, like your mom, death wasn’t imminent.
I feel your distress over choices you’re faced with, but it might be making you so miserable that you can’t see options. Please contact your local agency on aging. When I grew up in the 1950s, it was commonplace for my friend’s grandparents to live with their adult children. But in those days a lot of adult children didn’t work. But unless you find a way to deal with that guilt, you’ll stay stuck. Hope you take this as caring advice and not harsh judgement.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

DO NOT GO HOME!!! Do not quit your job. Do not dump your life for them. You will have a hard time getting back on your feet, and will be used as a verbal punching bag by a dad who is hooked on drugs. Who decided since you are the female, you have to do it? It's not the 1600 babe. That doesn't fly any more. Stop thinking that. Your brother can also help.
Your parents made their mess. You can assist, but not use your whole life to prop them up.
Where is your dad getting money for all his pills? Docs don't give them out any more like candy. He has to wait to get it filled on the very last day. They account for every pill. Is he stealing mom's medication?
Listen to others on here. Don't let your life be sucked into that. You can help but not be consumed by it. Your dad will let you do all the heavy lifting while he gets high and mentally checks out.
Finst thing I would do is find out if he's stealing mom's medication. She could be in agony, while he's high as a kite not caring. Then I'd call adult protective services on him if he is. Is mom left without food, sitting in her own waste, not clean?
Listen to what others have said. Do not move home! Give us an update and vent on here any time. It can help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Do not go and live there. You are starting to build your own life in another place -- continue to do that. You can help on the weekends since you are an hour and a half away. It sounds like your Dad cannot care for her at home and he has been difficult all your life. Despite the 2am phone calls (turn off your phone please so you can sleep at night), I think your Mom should be in a skilled nursing home. It sounds like your mom qualifies for Medicaid. You should focus on finding the best skilled nursing home for her care in a reasonable distance from where you live. A social worker may be able to help. If you give up the life you have started away from them, it will be difficult to rebuild it later especially if you are emotionally exhausted by her passing. I thought I was going to put my life on pause for and help my Mom for six months after being released from rehab after an accident -- it turned into six years. You need to continue working. I know how hard it is to have friends that cannot relate to your situation. You need to somehow find some new people to talk to that can relate to your situation even if they are older. A support group. As hard as it is, you may need create boundaries with your dad and his toxic behavior. Of course, I say all this but did not make these choices but that is why I am advising you to take care of yourself first.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Do not quit your job! Hear me again, do not quit your job. If you quit your job, you will not be entitled to unemployment insurance. How will you live and support yourself financially? Your heart is taking over your logic. Just because you were born female (her, she) does not mean you are drafted automatically to take on the caretaker role. I did this when I was a young woman and it set me back financially for years. I lost out on the majority of my college education, accepted below par jobs, and it took me some years to land another position. It is hard to separate yourself emotionally, financially, mentally and sometimes physically because of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) Take it from me, "DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!"

Contact Adult Protective Services (APS) and give them the story. Report self-neglect. Let them assign a social worker to the case and let them set up services for your parents to get assistance with their rent, food and other necessities. There are programs for this.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Regina14: Absolutely do NOT quit your job. It is imperative that you remain employed to build up your own social security income for YOUR retirement. As you've already stated, you need your health insurance and other benefits. You are in no way responsible, generally or financially, for your parents' poor life decisions. That is on them. Having helped your parents pay their rent NEVER should have occurred.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Seems neither of your parents can care for themselves. You need to care for yourself and help as you are able. So, the pitching in on days off is the best plan for you (and your brother as well). I would suggest that they both go into assisted living or skilled nursing care that will accept Medicaid. Then, you can spend your free time visiting and building memories instead of doing chores.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Regina,

I am so sorry you are going through this at such a young age.

Do not quit your job. You and your brother are already doing a lot driving over on the weekends.

Let Aunties phone calls roll into voice mail.

My brother in law had glioblastoma. He was told by his cancer docs that he would have 24 months at most. I think he made it to 22 months. He had pretty good quality of life up until the last 8 weeks. He worked a job up until the last 8 weeks.

His cancer docs also told him when he was diagnosed to get signed up for hospice to get services.

My sister signed her husband up for hospice. (Mind you he was in hospice and also working.)
Hospice will get you a lot of services that I think would help you. A RN came around to the
house once a week. A CNA came around to the house once or twice a week. A social worker
came around to the house every couple of weeks. I think in your situation getting your Mom
registered in hospice would get you extra services and help you out a lot. I'm surprised your parents have not already registered. I think the diagnosis alone of glioblastoma will make your Mom eligible for in home hospice and she can be moved later if need be. Being registered in hospice will take a lot of the burden off of your shoulders because the RN can tell you what you need to do and you can follow the RN's instructions. Hospice will also send in a medical bed to
the house and a wheel chair as well as other supplies so that they are on hand. Hospice will also help to get Mom transferred somewhere if and when the time comes.

Really consider hospice. I'd be very surprised if this was not already discussed with your Mom and Dad.

Again, my sister signed my brother in law up for hospice right after the diagnosis. He qualified solely on the diagnosis. He kept working. He got cleared by the government to train Army Rangers in the Las Vegas desert. He was also "in hospice" at the same time.

Please keep your job.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. If anything help him find resources for your mum, if he is open to that. You are not responsible for the outcome of his bad decisions. Yu can always call for a wellness check on your mum or call APS.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If she has Medicaid, doesn’t she qualify for 24/7 Homecare for free?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
my2cents Sep 2022
Medicaid does not have 24/7 services. 24/7 would indicate the need to be in a nursing home. Medicaid can get you qualified for a few hours - maybe 10 or so - per week, about 2 hrs a day to help with specific things. That's about it. Medicare doesn't provide any 24/7 services either.

It pretty much comes down to: If you need 24/7 care, can you afford it. If not, make application to get a NH bed.
(1)
Report
You're doing all you can and you shouldn't give up ANYTHING more than you've done. For your aunt to guilt you into being a caregiver - well, that's despicable. Quitting your job and moving home for a year is not the only option. Losing your benefits is a terrible idea because you may never again be able to get a job that provides them after you've been out of the work force for a year or more. As for the texts you think you'll be getting if parents are in a care home, shut off your phone and don't respond once you know they are in a safe place. Follow the excellent advice posted here about getting care services involved. Also your dad is likely an addict, based on what you've said. His doctor needs to know that, so send his doctor a note explaining that and tell doctor that dad is an unfit caregiver and they both need more help. That will get help for dad and perhaps social services that haven't been mentioned here. You should find out if mom is eligible for hospice, and you do that by contacting her doctor and asking for a hospice evaluation, which can usually be done in her home. Once mom gets more help and dad out of the picture, I believe she will feel loved and cared for much more than she does now. So get busy and do what you have to do. You have lots of options, and none of them involve sacrificing yourself on an altar that exists only in your aunt's mind. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

this will sound cold hearted but take it from a 76 year old who took care of her father and now her 73 year old brother. YOU HAVE GOT TO THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST! Don't worry about what your aunt says, yes it is hurtful to put you on a guilt trip! she probably thinks bc you are young you have your whole life to enjoy! Yet you love your parents and do want to help. look into places and people who can help - agencies, aides, nurses, - ask someone how you get in touch with these people, you need to start somewhere- one step at a time!

in the meantime, can you and your brother talk to your parents, and tell them you are working on a plan to help them! I would get people in to help them if they have medicare they can direct you. I don't know how old they are! there may be women in the neighbor hood who are willing to help out here and there for a small fee (just a thought - I know you don't have alot of money. You are good 'children' for going there on week end to help! it's important that you do something about this now! Good luck and God Bless
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I’m so sorry for you and your family. A terminal illness especially for your Mom is a hard thing to take. That being said, you should not become her full time caregiver. My best guess is your mother would not want you to sacrifice your life for her needs..
Because your mother is on Medicaid her medical expenses should be covered and that’s a big deal. She will qualify for many services that your family could not otherwise afford. Do you have a local PACE program? Essentially PACE is a nursing home without walls so services are given in the home. Hospice services would also be invaluable.
You allude to your father’s aggressive behaviors and that he is taking a lot of medication. This is concerning. Could he become aggressive toward your mother? If so, consider reporting this to adult protective services.
Your local Office of Aging would be a helpful resource to connect your Mom with more services.
Please know you are a very good daughter and your love for your mother shines through.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

PS
How old are your Parents? Is your Dad a smoker?
How old is the Aunt? Your Mom's or Dad's Sister? Does she live close? Obvi she is in a different financial situation. Could she pop around to help?
Do not listen to her re: your moving back in. My Mom is mentally ill & told me generations back her family would move in with the others.. I call BS as her Mom moved in with her Sister (my Aunt) and my Mom never stepped up..(outside of some financial support to her Mom)
Your Dad is addicted to pain meds & was formerly aggressive & ...same behaviors now? NO way in hell should you move back in! Mentally unstable.
Sounds like he is angry at situation he is in, but taking it out on everyone else.
How is the relationship betw your Parents? Is your Dad abusive towards your Mom?
I say do as you are doing. If you can come around another time during the month...great... If not..you can't..
Is there anyone else or funds to hire a Carergiver once a week?
I love the advice from those who are familiar with which services might be available!
*I know of "1" situation of an elderly Parent who moved back in with his Sister. He spends a few days a week living at his Daughter & Son In Law's, 20 mins away. He is a FAB 91 yr old with an amazing personality...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Please do not give up your entire future, she said not to sacrific for her, take her at her word. Has hospice been called? Just because Dr. said one year no one knows how long she will live (My Mom has been on hospice almost 3 years even though Doctors felt she had 6 months) Hospice is so helpful and can asssit navigating this difficult time. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please call Adult Protective Services to evaluate BOTH parents individually and as a couple and request that they both be placed for their safety and the public's safety. Ask that Medicaid applications be filled out. Perhaps Mom could be placed in a Nursing facility near you, if that would put your mind at ease. Dad needs rehab, but needing it doesn't mean an addict will accept it. Let the professionals handle both of them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It's ultimately your choice, and just make sure that you can live with the decisions you make. Don't let other people get into your head to make you feel guilty. You are young and need to work to support yourself and have a future. Your parents are adults, and if they are mentally sound, they are capable of making life choices about how they want to live at the end of their lives. You are not responsible for them, other than to do what you can do. You are already doing a lot. It would be advisable for them to connect with a local social worker who can help explain their options. Much depends on their finances. The social worker may be able to advise you if your mother is eligible for in-home aides through Medicaid. Home aides can help with dressing, showering, feeding, cooking, light housework, etc. (Her rehab facility should not have refused her rehab! They should have prepared her for leaving and living at home.) Medicaid also pays for durable medical equipment, if needed, such as wheel chairs, walkers, hospital bed, etc. Take all the help you can get. If your mother and father do have aides coming in, they should lock up their valuables and personal papers. It sounds like your father has taken on more than he can handle (if he's in constant pain), so also discuss his care with the social worker. They need a plan for a time when they may not be able to care for themselves. Their basic choices are in-home caregivers or moving to assisted living. The advantages of assisted living are skilled staff, they take care of all meals, administering medications, housekeeping, activities, etc. You still need to oversee their care in a facility, but the day-to-day work is not your responsibility. Ideally your father and mother would be in the meeting with the social worker as well as you (and/or your brother). You say that your mother is in the last year of her life. Did you get this information from her doctor? If this is true, she may be eligible for hospice, which also will entitle her to extra care and benefits. Hospice is when the doctor thinks she is in her last 6 months of life. But as my mother's doctor said, "who knows when she will die." My mother ended up having hospice-type care for 2 years. If your parents are mentally sound, they should make sure their paperwork is in order. They should set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, living wills with their advance medical directives, and wills, if they have assets. The social worker can advise you on how to help them get this done, if they are willing to do it. You already have a lot on your plate. Try to help them as much as you are able to do, but you also have your own life to consider. All the best to all of you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
eat-pray-love Sep 2022
A lot of sound advice in there NancyIS, but that 1st sentence is a tough one, "It's ultimately your choice, and just make sure that you can live with the decisions you make."
Many of us are positions similar to hers.. with Parents who are not mentally stable on top of their having physical issues.. "Regina14" should not be sacrificing her all of everything to support. I like the idea of her going up once a week. Would it be possible to go up twice a week, every other week? Anyone else that could add more support? Any other family or an aide for a couple hrs a week. Not a good situation.. but you have been thru enough. Enough is enough. Do what you can without losing yourself physically or mentally!!!
(3)
Report
Please, please, do not quit your job and do not move in with your parents. You are much too young to make such drastic moves. Even if it would be just a year of unemployment your career would pretty much end and you would have to start all over. Even 6 months of unemployment for any reason makes it really hard to re-enter the job market. I have seen a lot of that. Also, these things have a way of extending themselves. The prediction of your mom's longevity is basically a guess based on what others have experienced with her diagnosis. Her experience may be quite different. Also, if your father gets used to the idea of your self-imposed slavery he may become quite dependent on your services and demand that you stay on for him. Then you end up with no life of your own and no nest egg to fund your own retirement.

Do not feel guilt; you have done nothing wrong and are not contemplating anything wrong. You are doing what is right for you. Feel sympathy for your parents' situation and feel sadness that their lives have not gone as planned, but do not feel any guilt. The ones who should feel guilt are those trying to impose on you a sacrifice that they are unwilling to make themselves.

Tell your family that this is not a problem of your making and you are not the solution. Your parents are responsible for their own care. If you and your brother CHOOSE to assist them, you should do so out of a loving desire to help them and do only as much as you CHOOSE to do. It sounds to me like you are already doing more than should be expected. If your mother must be placed in a care facility, turn off your phone when you go to bed at might. You need your rest. Respond to your father's text messages in the morning.

In my case there were 5 sibs, 3 of us within a half hour's drive of mom's house. Long before there was a need, we all stated that we would not live with Mom nor let her live with us. She was welcome for visits, but even healthy we were exhausted after that week or two visit. We knew that living with Mom or letting her live with us was simply not going to happen. What we did do was split up the week and take turns visiting Mom, taking her to appointments, etc. The sister who lived to far away to help with those things called Mom every day and visited with her. Your friends are right--you are doing enough. There are many of us who have been there and can support you in that. You are already doing more than I was willing to do for my Mom. Even so, after 6 years of taking her places twice each week and getting things for her during the last years of Mom's life we were all worn out. We were all retired, but we also have the physical issues that come with age. Even with our limits solidly in place, it was a strain spending 3 or 4 hours caring for someone else 2 days each week.

I do believe that my eldest sister's daily phone calls probably made as much an impact on Mom's well-being in those difficult years as the lunches and visits the 3 local sisters made. Oh, yes, the brother. He did show up once or twice. You are fortunate that your brother is helping. Let him do as much as he is willing, but define your limits well, and review them often. When it becomes obvious that your mother needs more care than you, your brother, and your father can provide state the obvious: Mom needs residential care. And stick by it. Do not be distracted by your father's drama. You will serve your mother best, by preserving your own self enough to be able to extend to her the caring conversation of phone calls when you are taking care of your own life.

I think that your head is in the right place and you have some wise, if inexperienced, friends. Do what you know you must do and accept the reassurances of your friends. As you age some of them may need your support as their parents age and fall ill. Let them support you now and you will be able to support them in the future. Many of us are with you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
eat-pray-love Sep 2022
GREAT response LittleOrchid!!!
I checked myself up against your advice. You can't always do what you wish you could because of their mental illnesses on top of all of everything..
(0)
Report
It’s clear you don’t wanna give up your life, I understand. Try to get a power of attorney Over your mom or both your parents and then you have authority to make some legal and financial decisions. Tell them that’s the way it has to be for you to help them. Then you & your bro make the good decisions. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I’m sorry. I think u and ur brother should continue visiting and helping as much as u . However, u should hired an elder care lawyer. U and ur brother should not have to pay for ur parents care. Even though, ur father may have bad choices. However, I know they have worked in there life time and should have ss benefits other benefits even if it’s welfare. U guys shouldn’t have to pay there rent. Just so u know that’s less stress off u guys and that should help with a caregiver coming as well. Things will get better. Much Blessings.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Good Morning,

First of all I have to say you and your brother are doing a lot considering what you shared with us. Both of you should be commended.

In all honesty, I don't think your parents can take care of their problems as was indicated by I'm sure another well-meaning respondent. Basically, you need professional help to come in, do an assessment, speak with both parents' primary care doctor and sign up for on the portal so you can have access to their test results and also contact the doctors' from out-of-state.

Call on the troops--any resources that can be brought in, bring in.

I read your story and you don't want to go down with the ship.

A couple of suggestions, you read them over, think them over, decide what is best for your situation, thank us and send us on our way and make the decision that is best for your family:

*Can mother get Palliative or Hospice Care?

*Sign Dad up for Meals on Wheels and/or day respite program with transportation

*Some States and employers have a Caregiver's Act...I'm not sure if you get paid for this and/or they hold your job? You can inquire at your HR office.
The Family Medical Leave Act, again your Human Resources Dept. can assist you.

*Do you think Dad belongs in a Senior Housing...sounds like this could be an "emergency" situation. Again, some States are better than others. Should you move Dad closer to you (not in with you) but again in Senior Housing.

*Meet with a Social Worker, Department of Elderly Affairs, your local Church, an Elder Attorney (who will give you a one-hour "free consultation)

*Will your company let you work remotely for a time?

You're just starting out in the world. You have an immediate situation with your mother (priority) but also with your dad this could continue for years'. Don't make a rash decision. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Usually the men, listen to the men or at least that's how it is in my family. Can your brother handle Dad and you handle mom?

If your dad was Veteran there could be assistance too. The Nurse Case Manager at the Primary Care Doctor's office also seem to be well informed.
Share your story, people are good, they want to help.

I hope that I gave you some hope. If you were my sister I would advise the same thing. You are all in my prayers. God can do anything. "Jeremiah 29": I have come to give you hope and a future!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You must take care of yourself. this is the only choice. I have 2 reasons for writing this.

#1 - This is what YOU want, based on what you wrote. Reading between the lines, that is what you want. That is just fine.

#2 - I believe this is also what your mom would want. I have adult children and if I was in your mom’s position, I would want to know that you are furthering your life, that you have good benefits and that you were around, but we’re not consumed by my illness and didn’t see me decline any more than you have to.

So, be there for your dad when you can. Visit, hug your mom, give your dad some breaks and spend as much time with them as you can bear, while still having some free down time for yourself to relax enough to do well at work. If you have to skip a weekend once in a while for your sanity, do so.

Stop feeling guilty. Coming around like that is still a big sacrifice and more than many do. Your aunt should help herself instead of making you feel upset.

I’m sorry. This is a tough journey. You are not alone. You will be okay.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Do not quit your job. Right now I am caring for a sick spouse and it is hard he needs 24/7 care but can't afford it i told him i will not quit my job to take care of him because the fact is i am too young for the state to pay me anything for not working to care for him and i am too old to start looking for another job for when his illness run its course. i am trying to get medicaid for him to help with the cost but its a fight because i still bring in income and we not living off just his disability check. I refuse to have our kids give up their lives to come and be on care for daddy duty just come over on the weekends and help when they are able to. i told my husband he would have to pay for someone to care for him while i am at work and when his money run out he we would have to consider putting him in a home cause if no one is coming to help care for him now ( siblings-cousins-friends-nieces-nephews) i don't expect them to step up later. so dont give up on your life cause you are just getting started and once you go to live and help that would be your life cause its not as easy as you or people might think
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter