Follow
Share

Should I, as the sole POA, for our mother feel obligated to discuss plans for our mother with the sibs, keep them informed. You have to know how difficult it is to be the sole caregiver among 6 sibs with the majority of them criticizing my every move. I feel like I have had enough, it takes a lot of my energy and time to keep them all informed and all I get in response is selfish crap that what I am doing doesn't suit them for one reason or another that has nothing to do with our mother. It's very draining, I don't need to be put down, they aren't involved enough to even have a helpful discussion. Help! What are my obligations to them as our mother's POA?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

47 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
"You have to know how difficult it is to be the sole caregiver among 6 sibs with the majority of them criticizing my every move." You have your answer right there. If the sibs are not involved, criticize you, and it is causing you stress, by all means leave them out of the loop. If they want to be "in" the loop they need to approach you in a more respectful way. If they do not respond to the positive approach keep your conversations with them brief until they get the message.
They only way any of us can become a door mat is to lie down. Use some tough love on them. If they get offended at least you will have some lovely peace and quiet. If they offer their "advice" tell them that it would be far more helpful if they would come and stay with your Mom while you take a break. That should help them keep the lips zipped.
Heaven knows this journey is tough enough...do not open the door to these energy vampires.
Peace,
Lilli
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My suggection is to give those having a desire to be updated, a weekly update concerning what is happening with their loved one. Keep them in the loop and solicit their help, advice and support. You need support too both psychologically, and physically unless you just have a POA and are not the actual caregiver. There is no excuse today for not having time to give a quick update about your loved one: email, mail, phone, texting, visits, through an intermediary. Communication and sincere honesty and openness can eliminate or reduce issues from arising at a later date and can serve to build upon the family and help all involved.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You do, absolutely, have an obligation, as power of attorney, to discuss anything and everything that concerns your mother. I would want to be informed even if I wasn't the sole caretaker for my father. Yes, they may criticize, now, but if you do not inform them, you will regret it later, after her death. If you think they're bad now it would only get worse when they found out that you had made decisions by yourself now, for THEIR mother.

I know it is difficult but my answer to my sibling's criticism and so forth, is, "if you think you can do a better job....move back to town and take over my father's care". I haven't had any takers yet. Meantime, consult with your siblings in a truly loving manner and ask for suggestions that include their actual physical presence for more than a few days a year.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If you are the POA, NO you have NO obligation legally to discuss, I have been to 4 lawyers, moms and ours, and discussed this exact question to my siblings who do nothing except occasional visits. If they want to come and take her out, you can tell them anything you might want to,maybe they will come MORE then, otherwise no, you do NOT have to.
PS it will also cause you stress as they will question and suggest and try and tell you what to do, its not worth it, Its hard enough being the caretaker as it is, I wish mine would fall off the face of the earth to tell you the truth. You will find the ones who flap their mouths the most, do the least. haha have to laugh, but its true. Keep up the good work!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Karen---If you have POA, and I am guessing you are there for the most part for your Mom---then in my estimation, a family meeting might be a good idea to iron things out. Your other sibs have to realize that you have the power to make the final decisions-but willing to listen to their input at the same time. From what I have witnessed-this seems to be a rather common occurance amongst sibs....tell them you need their SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING-if they are not amenetable (SP)--then this becomes their problem and NOT yours. Your Mom gave you POA for a reason-weather they like it or not. I personally went thru something similar---Your sibs have to respect all that you are doing. Hope I have not been too harsh!
Best to you on your caregiving journey,
Hap
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Wow! Advice on both extremes! It is all good food for thought. I think I will back off and let the the sibs ask the questions rather than going to them with info. I really have to say that it does take alot of my valuable time to keep 5 others informed of my every move, and really, they don't need to be kept in the loop to that extent. I am a perfectionist and sometimes I have to not stress myself out. Afterall, there are only so many hours in a day. And I have to say that Hapfra had the most key solution to my current problem. My response needs to be a request of them for their support and understanding, afterall, they were all in agreement with my mother when the POA was drawn up that I take on that role if needed. Now here we are and first and foremost their first contribution to the effort should be their support and understanding. So that is what I will request and leave it at that, I won't hide anything or otherwise not let them know, but they need to take on the responsibility to keep themselves informed, otherwise I am taking care of 6 people all together and I never bargained for that. I think that I will be able to live with that in the years to come. Sound reasonable??
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I think some of these answers may be helpful with regard to listening & informing your siblings, BUT your mother has made you POA and The President of her aging world - let that knowledge and power (if it is needed) ease your stress. You can ask your siblings for input and you can listen to their comments but it will be YOUR decision. A stress-free you is the best thing for your mother (and you & your direct family). Maybe some of your requests for input from uninvolved siblings can evolve to "this is what Mom & I have decided to do....". Start with small decisions and they will soon learn. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Verlaine: Thank you! Excellent point: Mom does need me stress-free!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You don't owe them anything! Just do what you feel is right. If they want to know whats going on-they can call or visit. They can give you a break or they can just mind their own business and let you do as you see fit. My husband has POA of his Mom, I am her full time caregiver. My husbands 2 sisters do not help. One of them calls about 1 time a month and says she will come take care of Mom for a day to give me a break but she shows up with a hamburger at lunch time and stays about 2 hours. She doesn't clean her up, give her meds, pick up around the house after her, do any of her laundry, shop for her, pay her bills, --well you get the picture. There is really NO REASON she couldn't come and stay with her, this sister put her husband in a nursing home after he had a stroke and she lives in a guest house on her sons property. The other sister calls every couple of months and comes to see her close to her birthday and somewhere around Christmas--but not Christmas. She has been divorced for more than 35 years. She has a daughter that lives with her. She could also come and stay--anytime but doesn't. My husband tells me not to tell them anything, he says if they care--they can come see for themselves. We've had to take her to the ER a couple of times and she has been admitted to the hospital, I called to tell them and my husband told me I shouldn't. He frimly believes if they want to know anything--it's their place to call and see whats happening.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I forgot to add, both sister in laws are retired, I am also, my husband is the only 1 that still works full time. Both sister in laws can get from their house to MIL in about 20 min. I don't know the situation with your sibs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
KA24: it sounds like you are level headed and your siblings should be glad that you are POA. If you feel you would like to keep them appraised of what is going on with Mom, have you considered setting up (secure) website like what is offered on Lotsahelpinghands.com?

I had a similar situation, and even after setting up Anna's Helping Hands on Lotsa Helping Hands dot com some of the 'family STILL had a problem with what I was doing. Others did not. I just continued to do what I felt was best, and this website turned out to be a place where we could share pictures, feeling, and even visits with other family members that were not local.

Looks like you doing just fine, and although we all want to keep everyone advised, you can't (or won't) please all of the people all of the time, no matter HOW hard you try!

God Bless!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You may as well keep em in the loop then they can't come back at you later and say "You never told us..." What they choose to do with the information it is in their court so to speak...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Who cares if they say "You Never Told Us", I would say "You Never Helped." and if they really cared, they would come weekly and see for themselves.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thanks everyone, you know it is also a bit of a disheartening feeling to discover after all these years that when it comes to something so important as the care and wellbeing of a mother who gave all she had to us, her children, that my siblings are ultimately so different from my mother (who cared for all who were sick, injured, or aged) in the family. I guess part of this is the realization that I am alone among my siblings. It is a sad to discover that those so close to myself are not what I thought they are. It is embarrassing too. I guess I need to come to terms with my feeling in this subject too. Don't get me wrong, I'm really not angry, just let down in the sort of people they apparently are. Makes me feel like a fool for having been there over the years for them. I see that those favors will never be returned, not that I did them in an exchange, just with a feeling that we need to be there for one another. Sad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I have 6 sisters, I have a poa and I am the sole caregiver. NONE of the other sisters help,in the begining of this long 7 yrs of caring for our Mom we had the family meetings and
I did all of what the above people suggested,but they only helped for the first 2 yrs after that everyone of them weasled there way out of the obligation,so now I dont feel any remorse or regret in telling them anything,they dont call and dont come to see her. Recently i moved for financial reasons,and one of the sisters had the odasity of calling and telling me that I took Mom to far away and I have a problem. Yes! i do I responded the problem is them they knew where I lived for 6 1/2 yrs and no one came by to pick her up or visit or call I have not changed my number in 7yrs. So in my anger I told her, I am not keeping our Mom from any of you INFACT I WILL PERSONALLY TAKE MOM TO SEE YOU AND PACK HER BAG FOR A MONTH SO YOU CAN GET RE-Nuited,Do you know what she did-SHE MY SISTER HUNG UP ON ME. Imagine that the minute I put the ball in there court. I say do what you must God and your parent are those who Matter! Let the siblings wallow in there self-pity. Nothing you do will be good enough!!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
KA: your siblings are doing what most that are too 'weak' to step up do... they DON'T!! Your 'family' will change from those that you were raised with, to those that rise to support you.

MsTexas: your 'offer' really does show how uncaring our own families can be and it isn't just isolated to your family. I have found myself in similar situations with NO respite in site, and when I did get the respite we needed to remodel so Mom could have easier assess, etc, the result was catastrophic! She ended up in the hospital after 'flipping out' and from there it was like she had jumped off a cliff! Her decline was very rapid. Sad, but true. Five months later she passed away.

I often say, there isn't much I wouldn't do for my family, and yet I don't think that would be returned, am I bitter? NO. Am I disappointed, YES! Will that change how they act, NO! The only person we can change or control is OURSELVES!

This online support group has provided MORE support in the short time I have been online, than my siblings have in the past five years.

Even though my mother has passed, I am still here for that very reason. I do wish there was a "chat room" so we could gather REAL time and chat online. Perhaps 'management' will consider the idea.

So, I will continue to come here as long as I feel my input is welcomed and I am making a contribution. And I want to thank everyone that makes me feel so useful. God bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Madre Mia, thankyou for your support all to often I feel disappointed in my sisters,and I try to refocus my self on to positive things like my Moms laugh and smile. My children and husband and his grandmother who also lives with us. But youre right on target, I dont know what I would do if I didnt have this forum. This is my secondary FAMILY now and I thank God every night for each and every one of you!!!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
You are welcome MsTexas!

Let's ask "management" for a chatroom. Its easy enough to do, and then we would all have a place to gather and discuss the remains of the day.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Find a very easy way -- email, preferably -- to give a brief REPORT of the actions you've taken. Here's why: I've seen it happen in too many families that the non-PoA's accuse the PoA of overspending or other such misbehaviors. It's awful: the non-PoA's don't help and leave the PoA doing everything; then the PoA does everything and the non-PoA's don't even know what that means; then out of their ignorance they make an accusation that adds both insult and injury. "Who cares" is naive -- accusations can turn into costly, toxic lawsuits. Dividing the estate becomes a cesspool of bitterness that affects the family for the rest of their lives, so that the PoA gets no relief even when the elder has finally passed. A brief report is a way to prevent the sheer ignorance that triggers these horrors later. It creates a trail of information. It is very powerful against people making stuff up. It reminds people just how much there is to do and how many big and little expenses there are, and so on. It can help and it can't hurt. Notice that it is a REPORT. It's not a dialogue unless the response the others offer is helpful.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
If your siblings truly behave poorly, I would still recommend doing something simple to keep them informed. Send an email periodically and keep a copy to illustrate that you seek to do the right thing. Respond to constructive and sincere sibling comments and ignore the rest.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I used Losta Helping Hands to setup a website (secure and private) for Mother's 'goings-on' and then if anyone had a 'comment' they could add it to the website. They could also post pictures,comments, concerns, and even volunteer to signup for something that needed being done!!

Setting up a 'community' online with limited access (for family and friends) helped me a great deal. It was more difficult for family to shrug 'doing something' when they see how much everyone else is doing.

Take a look at this free resource! It really helped me. (p.s. I don't get any money for suggesting this site, just the satisfaction of helping another family in need). God Bless
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
ka24, I don't know if 'legally' you have to inform them, but in order to keep the peace you probably should. BUT I would just send out a form letter once a month, telling them what decisions you had to make, and how much money it cost. Be sure and keep a copy for yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I have 5 sisters 2 brothers . I was chosen to have power of attorny over mom. In the last year she has come to live with me not one of them have called. Never fell guilty for being given the power to care for her. She choose you because she trusted you and only you to do what was right. Trust your feelings and don't trust their opinions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sounds like my situation. If you want to a email after a decision is made, you need to take care of yourself so you can handle such a large situation. You do what's best for mom's health and well being and the hell with the rest. After all you're the one in charge.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You may be in charge but it is best to keep your family involved and informed to a degree. There are issues involved in elder care that can in some cases involve elder abuse. Elder abuse can be financial, psychological, etc., and, the POA has at times been the perpetrator. Maintain open communications, not perceived secrecy. Keep it simple.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
True, but its the siblings NOT helping or visiting that;s emotional abuse , not the caregiver, so if THEY dont come over to take her out or help, you tell them NOTHING. The person doing the caring is earning their pride and no one can say we emotional abused them.
Only a person who doesnt help out would accuse you of something, its always the way, believe me. You need to talk to your lawyer on this, or your accountant, they WILL tell you that the courts side with the caretakers every time. (unless of course you were using parents money for yourself without a caregivers contract)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I used Losta Helping Hands to setup a website (secure and private) for Mother's 'goings-on' and then if anyone had a 'comment' they could add it to the website. They could also post pictures,comments, concerns, and even volunteer to signup for something that needed being done!!

Setting up a 'community' online with limited access (for family and friends) helped me a great deal. It was more difficult for family to shrug 'doing something' when they see how much everyone else is doing.

Take a look at this free resource! It really helped me. (p.s. I don't get any money for suggesting this site, just the satisfaction of helping another family in need). God Bless
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
The POA gives the holder certain rights and there is no requirement to communicate. All families are different with unique dynamics both positive and negative. It is still a good thing to periodically communicate. Not a big deal and not much effort is required. As the caregiver, communication is a part of normal care. You would likely want to be informed if you did not have the responsibility. As far as criticism is concerned, take it in stride and in context. Who knows, perhaps you might to be able to translate the criticism constructively into something good for the family unit. The key is for you to do the right thing for the person who is receiving the care. Arguably, I bet that person, really would be appreciative of better communication within the family that was constructed by the person receiving the good care that you are giving. I understand your frustration but "some" communication delivered positively and with a good heart just might result in improved sibling relationships and respect. You were selected as POA for a reason..... .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It might be helpful to keep a diary on the care and expenses you provide for your parent so that you won't have just your memory to rely on, I know this is hard, we just put my mom into assisting living and it's only been a week and at three times she's wanted last rights, I had a priest come and visit her Saturday and she was pleased as punch last night when I got home the home had called saying she's asking to go to the ER, when I called back she was sleeping in the chair. It's very overwhelmingly, take care of your own health as well. I took the added expense into stride and signed up for a five week massage therapy, my whole body is weary, I think I'm seeing more doctors than she is. lol. good luck. Margaret
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You know... 29 people have answered this question for seven days. Maybe it's time for all of us to quit thinking about money and start thinking about the welfare of our parents.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter