My 94 year old MIL recently came to live with us after fracturing her hip. She had surgery and rehab. Until recently she actually lived on her own. She's been doing fine - going to the bathroom on her own, I helped her shower just last night, and she's been sitting in the living room with us watching TV and joining in conversation.
She eats little to begin with, but I've noticed yesterday and today so far she seems weaker and has refused food, although she had some tea. (My husband is currently out of town so I am with her while I work from home.)
My question is should I, for lack of a better word, "allow" her to refuse food? I'm not sure how I could force her to eat, but should I try to spoon feed her? I have some really good soup that I think she would like, but when I ask her if she's hungry she almost gets angry and tells me no. She hasn't eaten since lunch yesterday. Currently, it is after 10:00 a.m. the next day. And she went to bed at 7:30 last night and so far has only gotten up to go to the bathroom. (My office is also the guest room that she is in so I am sitting with her.)
To be honest, I have a weird feeling inside. I wouldn't have been surprised to see that she had passed overnight. This is all new to me, any advice would be appreciated.
You surely should OFFER anything you know she loves, perhaps easy to take puree, high protein puddings, and etc. You surely may think now to contact the MD and discuss palliative care and Hospice support if you wish.
But no, I would NEVER under any circumstances, force anyone to eat, against their own will. And at minimum, you could be looking at choking food into the lung and death due to aspiration pneumonia.
It is time to have discussions about end of life with your MIL, your family, her doctor.
Your MIL doesn't have to be looking & acting half dead in order to actually BE approaching the end of her life, in reality. Death is not a linear thing; in other words, she'll have lucid moments where she's spry and active, while there will be other moments where she's exhausted, lethargic and refusing to get out of bed. The fact that she's refusing food almost entirely is a sign that her body is getting ready to transition, even though that may take months to actually happen.
Hospice accepts patients they feel have 6 months or less to live. Get MILs doctor to write a referral to hospice and then she will be evaluated by the hospice team. If she needs comfort meds, they will be dispersed; if not, they won't be. Hospice does not 'kill' people; they provide extra support, supplies and services to them as they approach the end of their lives. They help YOU, too, as you try to navigate a difficult part of this journey. If your MIL needs a hospital bed, oxygen, adult briefs, etc, hospice will supply them at no cost as their services are paid for entirely by Medicare. Also, your MIL will be spared the pain & suffering of going back & forth to the hospital for unnecessary poking, prodding, testing and life extending measures that only prolong pain & suffering. My 95 y/o mother has been on hospice since 12/21 and I can't tell you how wonderful their services have been in this short time already.
Wishing you the best of luck during a difficult time.
As the body shuts down, it's actually painful to eat. My dad quit eating after he was vomiting back up everything he ate. Liquids, he could keep down. But I'm talking popsicles and fruit ices. Not much nutrition.
I'd be talking to a dr about EOL expectations. If she is in pain or discomfort, there are drugs used in Hospice that make the passage of all this so much more calm and peaceful.
Both my sister and I (separately) asked her if she was afraid of dying and to me she “no, not anymore” which spoke volumes. Both sis and I believe there is an afterlife. My sis told her to come back and give us a sign, she did. Same day we were all (my niece too) visited by a small wild bird.. Brothers aren’t believer so she let them alone. When she left me, still in her house she flew directly into a wall. Turned and looked at me and flew away (still learning to fly)
Dont force her. She needs calm and love and reassurance right now
love and light
You might consider getting a referral to her doctor for hospice care, because I'd say she might be heading toward death.