Should I write a letter asking for the kids to take turns to come sit with Dad and mail it to each of them so I can get a break?

I just read your post from January 2019 that Barb referenced.

It seems to me that your husband is really set in his ways on who (and who not) should be taking care of him. I sort of got the impression that he isn't open to hearing anyone else's opinion on that subject besides his own.

Perhaps the reason his kids don't want to give you respite has more to do with him, and less to do with you? Doesn't change the fact that you need respite - but it might help guide you if you decide to try and have a conversation with them about giving you a break.

If he's as intractable with his kids as it seems he is with you, it' going to be hard to convince them to lend a hand.

If you have the financial means, look into hiring respite care for him either in home or in a facility. You are his wife; not his servant. If anyone, including him, tries to give you grief about where your "place" is, remind yourself (and them) that paid caregiving professionals do not do their job 24/365. Who knows? Maybe if you give his caregiving to a "stranger" for a few days, he'll be more amenable to other willing family members taking care if him every once in a while.

Good luck!

I’m wondering whether to write this, but please ignore it if it upsets you.

There is a difference of 37 years between you and your husband. My experience is that the relationship most often occurs between students who fall in love with their lecturers or professors, who in their fifties are well off, attractive physically, and have high status in the eyes of the student. (When I was ‘looking’, I met (once) a recently retired lecturer who told me that he was only attracted to younger women, and didn’t seem able to cope with the fact that they had all disappeared out of his life. You can imagine how much I sympathised.) There are other situations, but the biology still works like that.

Simple common sense says that the new wife should look ahead and make provision for the future that is almost inevitable, in the absence of sudden death for herself or her husband. A life insurance policy for her husband while he is still young enough to get one, would have been a good idea. Common sense also says that the older children are not going to be happy. Not only them, my sister aged 22 had a SIL who married a man just a bit older than her parents. Her parents were most unhappy, and so were her husband’s friends - I happened then to work for his (rapidly cooling) best friend, who was even suspicious of me because of my own slight relationship with her. And yes, the husband died of cancer quite soon and left her the lot! With no local support and lots of money, she spread her wings and flew a long way away.

There is no perfect way out of this problem. A start would be a good understanding of everyone involved. This is not the ‘normal’ ageing Mom and Dad, or widower Dad, situation, where many children would step up to help. A next step would be to find a better place for your stepson to live. A substantial part of your care responsibilities must be his care and company. When his father dies, do you want to devote the rest of your life to him? If you don’t, the sooner the better that he finds somewhere to live his life as well as possible, while he can still manage to learn to fit in.

A harder step could be to deal with the finances. Have you in fact cut DH’s children out of any expectation of a substantial inheritance? Are you prepared to bargain? Or ‘blackmail’ - unless you can provide some care, he’ll go into a facility and there won’t be anything left anyway? But if you mean it, what will you live on yourself?

You have my sincere sympathy for the situation you are in now. I wish you all the luck you can find in dealing with it. It certainly isn’t easy, in fact it’s very hard indeed!

Maybe a Zoom call with all of them at the same time. That way they can all see and hears the responses.

Something to consider is that they don’t know exactly what "taking care of him" involves. Perhaps you could prepare a list of the tasks required, such as meds, meals, dressing, toileting, schedules, etc. Caring for an elderly person can be intimidating and they might be fearful of hurting him.

If it’s just a matter of sitting and keeping him company that’s another matter. I did not have a close relationship with my Dad and found it hard to sit and talk to him. We had little in common to talk about so I always went with a list of topics to discuss.

A conference phone call would be better and more personal. If it's impossible to get everyone on at the same time, then option B is the letter. Just have a plan so you are specific in what you ask them for. Make a list to get things straight in your head before writing, write it, then reread it the next day to make sure you've asked for what you need before sending - and review your tone in the letter.

Explain you'd like to visit your own kids/family for a couple days a month. Make it so they are willing to accommodate. Like, if they all work, request they come on Friday night so you can leave Fri. With a return on Sunday or Monday - whatever will work around their own jobs. Or if possible, take him to their house on your way out of town. Give them options - if they cannot come to stay with him to give you a break, would they consider paying for his 24 hr care so you can get out of the house.

If his finances allow, and you get no offer of help from any of them, use his money to pay for the care and go. Get all the rest you can, when you can. Many people on this site do not have the financial means to pay for this. If you do, use it for what it was intended - his care.

There is quite an age difference between you and hubby. Has that or his marriage to you created problems between him and his children? You probably already know why they don't visit, so if the issue is with you - be prepared for a negative or no response at all.

I would think a phone call rather than a letter would be a better way to go about this.
Call one and ask..Can you come next week and sit with dad so I can go visit my grandkids. then call the next one, then the next.
If all of them "are busy, have other things to do" it might then be a time for a "family meeting" You could tell them that you are looking in to Assisted Living (or Memory Care if that is needed) so that you can get the help you need and be able to get away for a day or two on occasion.
Caregivers need a break. None of us can do this 24/7/365 and not be effected physically, mentally and emotionally. So you do need and deserve a break. It would be good for them to know that.
In your profile you mention your husband has cancer. Is he on Hospice? If so you can get about 1 week of Respite per year. This is a "perk" that Medicaid does for Hospice patients. If he is not on Hospice you should call. You will get help from Hospice a nurse will come every week, a CNA will come a few times a week and you will get supplies and equipment. Bonus you can also request a Volunteer that will come and sit with him while you get out and get some things done for yourself. (about 4 hours max though)

"I have given up precious time with my own family and any semblance of life outside my"

What do you mean? You are married. "You're husband is "your" family."

"I would really like the freedom to go visit my children and grandchildren without the responsibility of being a caregiver for my visit."

I am sorry but your husband is your responsibility. It is great that your children visit you.

Why write a letter? Do you not have any contact with his children? (telephone at least)

No, I wouldn't write a letter.

To be honest with you, I would not ask his children to come sit with him. If the children offered, that would be fine if not, oh well.



Sorry, he is your responsibility.

There's a probably a lot to unpack here beyond just the need for respite.

How long have you and your husband been married? How did his kids feel about a peer marrying their father? Was your husband up front with his kids when the two of you decided to marry?

I ask these questions because my own grandfather was 77 and married a 45-year-old woman after my grandmother died. She was 10 days older than her elder stepdaughter and 5 1/2 years older than my mother. Neither told my mom or aunt that they were dating, much less that they were getting married. My grandfather called them and said, "Well, I got married last week," and that was it.

Fair or not, my mother didn't take kindly to this at all. After all, her own mother had died only a few years earlier when my mother was only 36 (and was buried on my mother's birthday!), and she only vaguely knew the new wife as a woman who had worked for my grandfather back in the 1940s. Needless to say, she wasn't happy at all. My aunt took it much better and was happy my grandfather had found a companion, and I think she understood that my grandfather had likely married more for convenience than love.

As for the new wife, she was really the only grandmother I knew as I was four when my grandmother died. She was always kind and loving, and she didn't push anyone to treat her as their mother or grandmother, since my cousins are all much older than I am and did remember our biological grandmother (I do not remember her). She was their friend, not their grandmother. Still, when it came to the end of my grandfather's life 13 years later, she was pretty much left to deal with his illnesses on her own because I think it was perceived that that's what she signed up for.

Your stepkids may have the same issues roiling in them as my family had. No one in my family was intentionally unkind to my step-grandmother, but it was an odd relationship, and each person in the family had their very specific relationship with her. My mom perceived her as another bossy older sister, my aunt saw her as a friend, as did one of her kids. The rest of my cousins really had nothing to do with her once my grandfather died, not out of spite, but just because they had no real reason to connect with her.

I helped my step-grandmother clear out her house about six years ago when she was 90. She gave me every single thing that had to do with my grandfather's side of the family and made it clear that she was aligned solely with her side of the family, and not my grandfather's side. She never said anything unkind, but obviously she never felt like she was part of our family. She had no beef with me nor with one of my cousins who was very close to her, but there was no love lost for my mother, and my aunt had already died. I was honored to give the eulogy at her funeral in 2018.

I think the only reason why I had the love I did for her was because I was nine years old when she came into my life, and I didn't have any real knowledge or understanding of the vast age difference between her and my grandfather. I think you're in a very similar situation: Your husband essentially chose between his kids and you, and he chose you. Now the kids are letting you deal with the fallout, OR they don't know that you'd welcome a relationship with them, OR they think you only want a relationship with them to get respite care. Regardless of the reason, you need to have a frank conversation with those people and ask them where they stand and let them know where you stand. It's the only way you'll be able to clear the air.

Sorry this is such a novel, but it just sounded exactly like my family's situation, and it's SO very complicated.

EmmaSue I have to agree with others that an open letter like that may feel cold and impersonal in this situation. You don’t say what your relationship is with his adult children or what his relationship is with them and to a large degree this probably makes a big difference. A couple things stand out to me here though, first with you and your husband being the caregivers and presumably guardians for his developmentally challenged daughter what is the legal set up for her care when your husband is. O longer able to oversee it or passes, do you have any legal standing, do you want it? Do any of her siblings have any legal say or responsibilities for her? If this hasn’t been talked about openly and decided it needs to be and it may very well be one of the obstacles. Imagine the conundrum of being one of her7 siblings knowing that dad, her caregiver, is nearing the end of his ability to do so, some may want to take care of her, some may dread the differing opinions on what that should look like or being handed the responsibility and some may be fearful of how to handle that with you given that she has been living with you for...I don’t know how many years...and they are all putting off opening that can of worms. Not everyone is equipped for caring for physically and or mentally challenged adults no matter how much they love them and especially siblings who have spouses and children of their own to consider and include. The reluctance to become familiar with the care of dad and helping with that may have as much or more to do with the fact that the care for sister comes with that and anyone becoming part of that is probably going to be considered most logical to take over one or both should things with you change.

I also wonder if out of sight out of mind is the easier path of least resistance for them, it’s easy to get engulfed with your own life and forget to pitch in when someone is doing the job and doing it well. It’s also sticky to appear as though you are insinuating yourself when you aren’t sure if the door is open for that and you don’t want to insult the person who is doing the caregiving well. My father has been remarried for 31 years now and it wasn’t until more recently that I have felt “let in” to any of their medical details or caregiving. He is 81 she is 74 and his three children had resolved themselves to not being involved in any decisions and simply hoped that we would even be informed when major medical things happened. Long story short I went out to take care of the dogs while he had knee surgery and found that she was experiencing some major health issues post breast cancer treatment. I ended up staying and taking care of both of them and it was a blessing in disguise because she realized I really cared and I wasn’t as difficult as she imagined, the less I tried to control my dads care or take away her decisions the more she let me take over and began to rely on me. We now have a 100% better relationship than we ever had and I am so very thankful for it. It was communication and perception that was the problem in our situation and it wasn’t until those were tested that we each realized we were wrong about the other.

I guess what I am suggesting is rather than an open letter about what you need from them or want to expect from them maybe facilitating their understanding, letting them in if they want to come in, without expectation is in order. Start communicating with them all with weekly updates or facilitate calls with their dad where they get filled in on on what’s happening. A group text or email chain with updates and discussions. Dads doctor is suggesting x, do any of you have knowledge about it? Here are my thoughts what are yours or just simply they are adding y to his regime. Orchestrate from behind the scenes by suggesting to your husband that discussions including all should take place about daughters future and legalities put in place. Once fears are at ease you may find much more support & apreci

i get wanting the kids help, however the reality is.... he is your spouse. We don’t know what type of dad he was to them growing up. I know who some it shouldn’t matter but it does. My father rejected me totally when he got his new family. He even stopped supporting me when I was a child. He is now I’ll and I don’t give two thoughts to helping when he didn’t care about me. My ex husband did the same to our childrenHe even took our daughters college fund and gave it to his current wife’s daughter for school. So our kids are like well he has a wife let her do the work. Sometimes kids are just selfish. I would look into some day help or maybe you family can assist more.

In all of this time (5 years) the 6 kids who are able have offered NOTHING in terms of help to you? Do they get along with you and with their Dad? Do they visit at all or are they somewhat estranged?
I would not write a letter, but would ask them to meet with you and Dad. I would tell them what you told us about the time spent doing this and your need to have more time with family, and away from caregiving. The spread in ages for you has made ongoing caregiving quite a problem. I don't know if you have considered care placement? I would, were it me, without strong support and help. I would make clear to family that that may be the only option, unless caregiving help can happen some which way. I would say that you are open to suggestions and things to try but that after six months you will have to make decisions. During that six months I would keep a CAREFUL DIARY of what help you get in terms of what kind of help and how many hours.
Then you will have to make your decision for your future. You can explain it to the kids in family conference, or you do not have to. Up to you.
Wishing you good luck.

I think you have to face reality as hard as it is. You’re burning out and need help. That’s a given. You miss your family. Who wouldn’t? I would too.

Your stepchildren aren’t close to their dad. Who knows why? You don’t have to say. It’s none of my business. The fact remains that they aren’t close.

Forget your preconceived idea about how you feel children should feel or how you were raised to feel.

I am curious though. Have you cared for your parents? It’s a tough job. I did it.

Would I do the hands on care again? Not a chance! Does that mean that I don’t care? Absolutely not. I cared immensely. I cared too much. I put their needs above my own and it nearly killed me and I lost out on time with my husband and kids. Is that what you want for your stepchildren?

There is a valid reason why they don’t want to do it. It’s too hard.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? What about speaking to a social worker to help make a plan for future care? Is he a veteran? Can he collect benefits to help pay for care? Have you considered placement in a facility?

Those options that I listed are your reality. Asking his children is not a realistic approach.

I feel for you. Of course you love him. I would like for you to place yourself in your stepchildren’s shoes. Ask yourself would you be willing to care for him?

I sincerely hope that you find a viable solution soon. Please let us know if you have further concerns. We care.

I would not send a letter. Trying to guilt them into doing something is not the answer.

"I guess I was just raised differently I always think that making sure to look out for your parents and grandparents is just part of what you do. "

Making sure to look out for our loved ones does not necessarily mean to provide hands on care. Even in a facility you will still be looking out for him, just in a different way that will allow you to have a life.

Sounds like it is time. You have done more than many people are able to do. The kids will most likely turn a blind eye to your requests and I wouldn't press the issue. Caring for him is not their responsibility, nor is it yours. He needs care, yes, but you do not have to be it.

The letter may only serve to alienate them further. I would not send it. Find another solution.

EmmaSue, go ahead and write the open letter. But don't send it.

Write it to help *you* clarify what exactly you would like from them. You've already got as far as suggesting, e.g., come and sit with him once a month. Come and stay overnight so that you can go and visit your own family. The next step is to make a start.

Say it's your grandchild's birthday on November 14th, or something. What you would like is for DH's child + spouse to arrive on the Friday and stay until Sunday, leaving you free to set off early on Saturday morning and return after lunch on Sunday.

That's one specific project with one set of specific "asks."

Then get on the phone and ask.

As a rule of thumb: when you want to ask someone to do something for you, the best thing is to identify what it is and then ask yourself if it's a reasonable request. Is it reasonable to ask any of these grown adults to come and stay with their Dad for two nights? Would you mind somebody *asking* you to do that, if you were in their shoes? - I can't see why you would mind, always on the understanding that they're free to say no with no hard feelings.

So ask them nicely and see what they say. Try not to have any assumptions about how they'll react, but I honestly can't see why they'd take it badly. Can you?

I was raised to make sure that my kids WOULDN'T have to look after me, lol.

Yes, of course I made sure that my mother was in a good care situation. But I would not do hands on care.

EmmaSue, this is what you posted almost two years ago:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-you-just-cant-do-it-anymore-what-do-you-do-445626.htm?orderby=recent&page=1󪫮

Your need regular respite from caregiving. If this comes from family members, that's great, but nothing you've ever written about his kids makes me think they are going to step up. Nor, frankly, is it their responsibility to do so.

Can you find a facility that can take them both for a week at a time?