The first holiday we involved MIL in was Halloween. We have three children and took her trick-or-treating with us. She walked in the middle of the street, even after we explained that it was a very bad example for the four yr old. She would not wait on us while the children went to houses and kept wandering off. Halfway through she started crying loudly and would not talk to us or tell us what was wrong. It was a disaster. We assumed that because she had moved in so recently that things would smooth out over time. However, we had similar theatrics over Thanksgiving. She did not want to be involved with the family, she cried loudly and when we tried to comfort her and fix what was wrong, she just yelled at us. Tonight, we took the children and her to a holiday event at the museum. It was pretty much the same. She ran off into the large crowd, would not stay with us as a group, would not participate in any of the activities, and at one point, ran out in the cold and refused to come back inside. We are gearing up to celebrate several weeks in a row of birthdays, and holiday events. I’m concerned that this behavior is really getting to the children, as my eldest one cried all the way home tonight. Should I continue to involve her in our holiday events, or just start leaving her behind? I don’t want to make her feel isolated, or exclude her from the family. But on the other hand, I want my kids to have a happy holiday and happy birthdays. I’m torn between both “rights”.
Is MIL living with you as well?
Has your MIL been diagnosed with dementia of any type?
If your MIL has dementia large gatherings can be confusing, frightening and you would expect the reaction that you have been getting.
I would keep gatherings to a minimum.
If you have to go out with the family to a party I suggest having someone that she knows and likes to come in and stay with her. She should not be left alone. If you want family to visit I also suggest small groups of people at a time and if possible over the course of a day or two.
It also sounds like there is a potential for your MIL to wander so she should not be left alone and start looking for a way that will make it easier to track her if she does wander off.
And if MIL is living with you permanently and has been diagnosed with dementia are you prepared to become a full time caregiver for her as well as dealing with your mother? Not clear where your mother is living if it is with you or in her own home but time will come where she also can not be left alone.
No, seriously.
There are times when I involve my mother and times when it's best that she stay home.
Bless you for trying to do the right thing. If she's living with you, she must have some social security. Use that for a caregiver who can sit with her while you and the children out for a few hours.
Arrange for her to be out of the house during birthday parties. It sounds like it's too much stimulation. But get a professional opinion.
It will make EVERYONE happy.
When I worked in the inpatient facility, our residents were still able to carry on conversations (though they didn't always make sense), were still able to engage in some part of various familiar tasks. But any change at all in their routine always set off some sort of upset.
I would 'include' your MIL in brief family gatherings -- say, half an hour in a familiar living room to celebrate a holiday with some ONE activity. And then leave MIL with a caregiver and take the rest of the family for the 'outing' part of the holiday celebration.
I'm so sorry it's being this hard.
Your children always come first, that is your responsibility... as a parent. Exposing them to her is a real bad idea. There is only one right...your family.
It is not your responsibility to care for her, sit down with your husband and work out a plan to have her move somewhere else. Contact your local social services and find out what is available for her.
She can live for another 30 years do you really want your children to be saddled by her for all those years? And what about you? Think, then think some more there is a solution and it doesn't include her living with you.
Well he’s had 90+ Christmas days and my son hasn’t so I refuse to let him ruin my child’s holidays and he ruins mine too. My son won’t always be excited about Christmas morning as he’s a teenager so with that being said it’s not an option to cater to an elder instead of my child. I do not want to regret my holidays with my son in 5/10/20 years because I felt bad for an elder who doesn’t care one way or another.
it was also brought to my attention when I posted “oh no the holidays are coming” that he could be getting overstimulated and uncomfortable when we’re opening presents and dancing around enjoying ourselves. I guess to me it’s a matter of memories and my LO has had a lifetime of holidays but my son has not, my child is far more important in his young life and I refuse to allow these days to be ruined. Those won’t be his or my memories, no way!!!
I understand the instinct to rescue her when she needed help and was in crisis, but this is not a care plan. You cannot have a woman with these behavioural and mental health issues living in an unfamiliar home with people, including young children, whom she just does not know.
You want to include MIL in the family; and I agree that in general it is a good thing, an enriching thing, for generations to mingle. But the truth is you don't know her and you don't know anything about her needs - how can you possibly look after her?
Your husband needs to get a grip on this. He should go back to the family members who were supposed to be taking responsibility, back to any agencies or professionals who were involved, gather what information he can, then get in touch with your area's health and social care organisations and get them involved.
God willing, and given a fair chance, your MIL will over time develop strong new relationships with her son and his family, but it can't happen overnight; and meanwhile she needs a LOT of input that you can't possibly be expected to provide.
Snap a few pictures to share with her when you return from outings. That’s a compromise.
Obviously you want to enjoy your time with your family and that’s impossible if you are going to be concerned about a safety issue.
Hire a sitter to stay with her for when you have family activities.