There was a post about "show-timers" and it was very helpful for me. I identified with many of the experiences. But I try not to label my parents' behavior because it is very diverse but there is no doubt that he likes attention.
There is also a movie called "Quartet" which can help you see the funny side of dealing with the diva in our lives. I also enjoyed "Waking Ned Devine" because it shows the humorous side of aging in a world which is moving too fast.
Does my Dad perform? Yes and he is very good at it?
Does it drive us crazy sometimes... maybe often? Yes.
He is also very good at playing poker and always has been apparently.
Does he like to win ... absolutely! He won't play any game if he isn't going to win and he gets annoyed if you get the quizz answers for "Tipping point" too often.
Does putting on a "performance" cause him trouble? Yes because people see him changing miraculously from disabled to abled when he isn't aware they are looking. Family members think he is closer to going into care and start asking questions about what plans have been made.
Dad sometimes pretends he has had a stroke. He hunches over, drags his foot and hangs his shoulder down and says he can't pick something up or cut his food. He will use his left hand even though his is right handed so he really does have problems picking things up.
This often happens when he is in front of old friends who have more health problems than him. If he sees someone limping, he will often limp a bit as well. It is a bit funny really but people tend to give him attention and he is happy about that.
In reality, he walks quite well (when his toe nails have been cut and aren't sticking into the end of his shoes), when he is in a hurry to get to the toilet in the shopping centre, when he wants to get money out of the atm, when he is off to buy some nice takeaway or buy a scratchy from the newsagent.
Mum used to cut his food up for him, do up his top shirt buttons, pick up things for him until I pointed out his incredible recovery when he was enjoying a roast dinner or when he didn't think we were looking. He has always handled a knife and fork beautifully when eating a roast dinner.
He certainly gets the reaction he wants.
Once we left him alone at a cafe in a shop while we went to the toilet ourselves. When we came back, he had 2 or 3 nice ladies doing up his collar for him. He isn't looking for anything else though, just attention and I guess he only has a certain number of cards he can play at his age. Going to hospital for a procedure is a great excursion for Dad. He has all these people fussing over him but he hates the food and the beds are uncomfortable, not to mention the cold aircon.
He can act like a bit of a hypochondriac as well although he does carry some of his medical problems bravely. If we watch TV and there is a story about some plague somewhere, he starts scratching. If there are stories about a new flu, he starts to cough or clearing his throat loudly for a few minutes, puts on a beanie and jumper even though we are in a heatwave. We try to ignore it but sometimes we have to say something because it is too ridiculous.
Dad has always been a show pony but he is still himself and a unique show pony at that. I think he enjoys the ruse. As Shakespeare said "All the World's a stage" and my Dad's favorite character was Julius Caesar.
None of her Showtiming was funny or cute, either, because she was intentionally trying to mask her dementia and get others to agree with her that she did not belong in Memory Care Assisted Living. She did. 100%, and by trying to fool others, she caused chaos from time to time 😑
At times, usually around other people, there is no understanding on my DH’s part that he is losing or has lost skills. For instance, he will say to people things like “I need to get the car in for an oil change” clearly believing he is still capable of such a thing. It isn’t until I later say, in private, “that’s a good idea; why don’t you get that set up” that he will realize he no longer has the slightest idea of even the first step needed to accomplish something he’s done hundreds of times. Or even that he no longer drives…..or has a car!
I do acknowledge that attention can be a motivator for some of their behaviors, which can be very embarrassing for us as care givers. But I also believe that it is not understood that way by the person with dementia. I suspect the desire for that attention is more a throw-back to childhood than a manipulation.
Looking back, and the stories I heard, I suspect he had Lewy body dementia.
This is my memorie, as a ten year old, I know sometimes memories can become askewd , but this is my memory.
He came over, when he left my mom looked out the window, and he fell, he got up and mom watched him from the window, I was worried, mom said he does that on purpose, to get attention.
Even if he did do it on purpose, didn't the man , my 80 year old grandfather deserves a bit of attention!!!
Let dad have his attention, from others.
You should never encourage that kind of behavior in a child or an elder. Never reward that kind of attention-seeking behavior with any attention, positive or negative.
Many times when seniors tell 'stories' about things like abuse and neglect that aren't true, they fall on the wrong ears.
A senior putting on a show for more attention starts getting it from APS and the state, and God forbid they believe it. Then that elder gets taken out of their home and placed against their will and the will of their families.
I have personally seen this happen more times than I wish I did.
The very term suggests that our demented elders are "just pretending" they have broken brains.
They aren't. Their brains are broken.
The terms suggests that they are putting on an act for attention.
They aren't. Their brains are broken.
It suggests they are dishonest. That they are tricksters. That they are entertainers who want your applause and your laughter.
They aren't. Their brains are broken.
Sorry. We hear the term around AC a lot. It cuts right through me often enough.
The late great Oliver Sacks said "They have a whole entire world. It just isn't YOUR world." And, if your brain is whole and functioning, it ISN'T your world. Yet.
You know I have the highest respect for you and for your long career as an RN. I must with disagree with you here though. I have a different experience than you with dementia and the 'broken brains'.
I will say that many, many times an elder is 'faking it' to get attention. The same way a child fakes a 'boo-boo'. The child knows they're aren't hurt. The elder knows they aren't either. I never played that game with a child or an adult. If someone is advanced in their dementia they've lost control and you do what you can for them. We aren't talking about people like that. Every one of us here has heard the terms 'company manners' and 'senior brat'. Every one of us knows exactly what both mean too. The people we're talking about may very well have dementia. They also have enough of their faculties left to be able to put on a performance for certain people and to turn it off for certain others.
You remember when I posted about one of the residents at the AL I worked in. She was the life of the party every day. Very popular with the residents and the staff. The second her daughter or granddaughter visited or called, it was like flipping a switch. The crying, misery, negativity, and complaining started up at once. Then ended the minute they'd leave.
That's a person who has control of themselves. A person whose brain is not so broken that they can't raise and lower the curtain on the stage they're showtiming on.
'Company manners' is the same thing. For example, grandma has dementia. She has supposedly lost the ability to reason and control herself and her brain is broken. Why then is able to reserve her abusive behavior for only her daughter and homecare worker? She's nice as pie to her grandchildren, her friends, and her doctors. The abuse is only for her daughter and hired caregiver. That's because she still has control of herself.
Why then is someone complaining they're dying all day every day, except on the days when they actually have a doctor's appointment? On those days they find themselves in robust good health and not a complaint to be found.
All these examples demonstrate a person with enough faculties left to be in control of their behavior.