Me and my other 2 siblings take turns staying the night with our 95 year old mother. She is for the most part health especially for her age. About 3 years ago she was on a trip out of town with 2 of her daughters and fell and broke her hip. She has recovered from that however she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night. This has been going on for about 3 years now and is becoming exhausting. There is usually something going on healthwise with one of us that makes the other siblings have to do more nights. Sometimes 5 in a row. I know we are all getting burnt out but no one will suggest seeking help to give us a break. It is really putting a toll on my mental and physical health. Is it normal for families to continue to do this? Is it wrong for me to feel like when am I suppose to be able to sit back and enjoy my retirement days before I were to need assisted help? There is a lot of tension between the sibling especially when now they have started to require each of us to pay for her lawn care and taxes on her house. Don’t get me wrong i love my mother but I am also getting burnt out. What can I suggest to my siblings without coming across the wrong way… mind you my mother stays at home usually by herself during the days just feels safe having someone at the house at night. This just doesn’t seem fair to me or my siblings home life. And of course you have the one sibling who wants to be in charge with all financial needs and house duties and doesn’t take it well when talked back to. You know the bully of the family.
If she needs certain things that are not covered by her insurance ...IRIS will help pay for it. I think it is wonderful that your siblings are all helping her. Please do not fight with them. Especially over money. Your mom loves you all and she needs you now.
Could you have a combination of life alert, paid caregiver and just staying once a month? Mom would have to understand that by staying in her home, she will have to make some sacrifices, as well as her children. Whatever is decided, changes need to be made for your (all sibling) mental and physical health.
Trying to do the "right thing" is difficult. You need to be concerned about your health, as well.
Best wishes.
Because she loves you as her children she will most likely respect the decisions make with everyone’s best interest in mind.
I had a similar job when I was 8. Only mine was as an errand runner. I got off the school bus and walked to her home. Found out what she might need and ran the errands with my wagon. If she didn’t need anything, we watched a bit of tv. Very boring tv as I recall. I would braid her long white hair she wore in a coronet. She probably had to redo it when I left. She had a neighbor lady about the same age who seemed to never need her hair braided. 🤔
I think the Alexa is a great idea.
None of you should be taking turns staying overnight at your mother's house. Not when all of you are in your 70's.
Hire an overnight caregiver. If your mother doesn't really need care, you can hire for what is known as 'Sleep Duty'. This means the person arrives at a certain hour and really is only there so the elder isn't alone in the house. They don't actual do care. They will get up once or twice during the overnight to make sure everything is all right and to handle an emergency if something happens.
As for the one sibling who wants to be "in charge" of all the financial affairs. Well, that sibling can also be in charge of arranging your mother's overnight care and everything else concerning her.
My guess is that sibling isn't interested in any of that. Therefore they should be told to go pound sand.
I fully agree - CBP1975 and her siblings are not kids themselves and should be able to sit back and relax.
CBP1975, call a home health agency near you, explain your situation and find out how much this service would cost. I think it will be worth it so you & your siblings can have some peace of mind, but also live your own lives.
Something else that could help is having one or two additional caregivers that can come 2-3 days a week that can give all three siblings a break so that you will all know that those three days a week you can all refer to as your off days.
Even though it may require having to pay this additional caregiver it would be worth it for all three of your sanity. There are agencies that will actually pay your family to care for your Mom in her home and this money can be used to pay the extra caregiver to work those 2-3 days a week. This caregiver can also be trained to have daily task such as: light house cleaning, meal preparation and feeding, medication administration, washing clothes, dishwashing and so much more.
I hope the best for you and your siblings
Lynnel T.
From your profile:
I am caring for my mother Priscilla, who is 94 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
Your mother needs full time 24/7 care in her home now or to be placed in managed care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing (most likely she is beyond AL care) at this point. She's beyond the point where she can be taught to use the toilet and needs incontinence care and adult briefs 24/7.
Is there one that is POA for health and financial decisions?
If so this is the one that should talk for the group. (that is if you all agree that this arrangement needs to stop.) I can not believe that you are the only one that feels this stress and wants their life back 3 years is a LONG time to be doing this.
Her options are:
* Pay to have someone come in at night so that if something happens there will be someone to help.
* Install cameras so that each one of you can check in on her and make sure everything is ok. (I think some even allow 2 way communication)
* Look into Assisted or Independent Living.
* Get one of the Alert Button necklace, watch or other device so she can call for help if it is needed.
* She can move in with one of your siblings, the one that is most willing and the one that has a house that can accommodate her. If this is done a Caregiver Contract in WRITING should be drawn up indicating what the caregiver will do, how much they will get paid (yes this person should get paid).
I think she is under a false sense of security that if she fell one of you would be able to pick her, or help her up when in reality you should still call 911 and ask for a Lift Assist and IF there are injuries a transport to the hospital.