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I had to have my mom move in with me 6 years ago due to failing health and lack of money. She is mentally fine but physically frail and uses a walker 24/7. She has heart failure, low kidney function, colon cancer and many other on again, off again health issues. I take her to all her doctor appts, medical tests, etc. My adult son (who has Huntington's disease) takes her to her weekly hair appt and to get her nails done but I know his ability to do that will be coming to an end in a few years. I was widowed 5 years ago (from Huntington's disease) and am an only child so I have no one to help me. My son has mild cognitive impairment and I have to do all his paperwork for his medical and disability along with going with him to his doctor appointments. He had a heart attack in May so he's not healthy either.
My mom desperately needs companionship and I don't have anything left in me to do that for her. Yet, she refuses to even try to make friends and constantly pushes me to tag along when I do things with my friends. I have suggested hiring a helper who could take her out to lunch, come to the house to visit or make her lunch, take her to her beauty appts., etc. but she refuses. She believes she doesn't need this because she has me to do those things for her. I take her out to dinner once a week, just me and her. Yet she won't let it go and hounds me about bringing her with me when I go out. I have been firm about that boundary but then she is mean, says nasty things and refuses to help around the house doing what she still can.
I'm so burnt out I find myself hiding in my bedroom when I'm home to avoid having to "fix" something or listen to her. When I do have plans with my friends, I have to sneak out of my own house (that I own) to avoid her. She wants to know where I'm at constantly and gets mean when I don't tell her what I'm doing. Then she tells me it’s a common courtesy to let her know when I leave and when I arrive home along with giving her details of what I've been up to. I'm 64 years old, a retired teacher, and don't feel I should have to "check in" with anyone about what I'm doing, whom I'm doing it with, or where I'm going. Am I being overly sensitive because I've got caregiver burnout?

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I don't have any answers, but my heart goes out to you.
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I hired someone to sit with my for two hours twice a week. She was resistant but I did it anyway and I was there when she met her companion. Fast forward a few months and my Mom loves her. Tess does all the things I don't have time to do. She helps her paint, they play games and it fives me a break from going to my Moms facility.
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Tell her you have a date.
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I certainly don't have any answers for you because I feel the same way. Virtual hugs and prayers for you!!
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I can understand your mom's feelings of at least wanting to know if she is home alone or not! I would stick firm to keeping your plans private, just let her know you are going out and around when you expect to return. "Out with friends" is a fine answer, and use "the broken record" technique of just repeating that phrase if she continues to question you.
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I am so sorry for all of the stress this has put on you. There are day care places for elderly in many states and cities. Check with your city to see what is available. Where I live, the County has free ride service for handicapped, and there is a day care in the court house area where people can go to be with others.
you have a heavy burden and definitely need help. Maybe you should hire someone to help you with your mom. Even a couple of days a week for 5 hours would be a great help for you. Blessings to you.
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Thank you for your honesty. As an elderly woman Going tobe 89 in a month, it helps me to understand my children. I now will keep my pains and problems to myself, and fid my own solutions. I thought that sharing my feelings and conditions was just keeping them in the loop, but I can see that it becomes a problem for them that they have to deal with. I really hope that i go to heaven before I need more than I can provide. Thanks again for your input.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@Jeancarolmo

I think it's great that you're one of those rare seniors who understands that their adult children/grandchildren/people in general do not want to listen to incessant complaining and negativity about your pains and problems and conditions. Keeping family in the loop about what's going on is different than your problems being the only interaction and communication a person has with their family.
After a while even the most loving, compassionate, and empathetic person can't take anymore.
I have no relationship with my mother and we've been living together for some time (I'm leaving come the new year).
Our relationship my entire life since I was a little kid has been her negativity, narcissism, neediness, and bullying.
She never cared what she ruined. She's elderly now and needs care and it's gotten worse. I will not care for her anymore because I don't want to.
You're doing your family a favor by realizing what the complaining, stubbornness, and negativity does to them. I'm sure they love and respect you for being such a good and kind mom who doesn't lay this trip on her kids. I hope the know how lucky they are.
Also, I hope you have a great birthday coming up.
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Get an assessment of the needs at your home by calling Area Agency on Aging, often located at your nearest senior center.
You, mother, son.

Sounds like caregiver burnout as the reason you are not seeing the whole picture accurately.

Should your son with Huntington's, heart attack, and mild cognitive impairment even be driving? Taking his grandma?

When living with others, it is a courtesy to let them know where you are going (out), and when you will be home. Try putting an arrival time posted on the bathroom mirror, especially if you are considered a caregiver for your son and mother. You are correct, your mother is being intrusive into your life and you need to have some private time. An assessment can help to determine if she needs more care than you can provide.

And, respite care for your Mom can be arranged, so you can avoid burnout.
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It is caregiver burnout.

I'm less than half your age and I'm in the same boat. I've had to help my mom for over a dozen years and she's been immobile since 2018. She's nearly 4 years removed from cancer treatments and she's still feeling the effects. She refuses to do PT for fear of Covid and won't get extra help for fear of both Covid and getting robbed blind. She doesn't know or realize this, but a family friend recently reached out to her niece, a physical therapist, and she said that unless she really works at it, she may never walk again. My mom will soon be 71.

She has pretty low expectations. She hasn't tried taking a step in who knows how long and regularly needs help getting her legs on and off the bed, but thinks that her sitting up straight and eating stuff in fewer amount of days than before is somehow proof she's improving.

Her laziness, stubbornness, and paranoia are doing her in. And she's become a threat to my sanity and livelihood. With all she's done with working me to death and destroying my life, she's lucky I still want to be her son and I don't want to disown her. She told me recently I'll get the biggest mansion in Heaven when I die. She doesn't understand that if she continues to work me to death, I'll be getting that place in Heaven a lot sooner than expected.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
There are no mansions in heaven. Why would anyone in the spiritual plane need mansions and great wealth when their physical body is gone and all that remains is your spiritual essence? Only the earthly mind is concerned with things such as mansions.

Bob you need to face facts your mother will not walk ever again. Not because she can't but because she won't.

You remind me of the son in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape. You should watch this movie.

You would be lucky if your mother got covid and passed because sadly that is the only way you will ever get your life back.

This weird and sick dance you are in with your mother is insane and your mother should be ashamed of herself for doing this to you.
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I am sorry that you are going thru this. Right now just breathe! You are not being overly sensitive. You are a caring person trying to help your mom. This can drain you to the point that you are not taking care of yourself. Please call county of aging for support. You might want to consider getting home health care or a nursing facility. Talk to her doctor or a geriatric case worker, to help you through this. You need time to smile and enjoy your life. Take a moment and call for help. You are not alone.
Please take care of yourself. I am sure your son will agree with me.
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No I am sick of my mom too and I can't wait until I can go out and start dating and marry a man so I can FINALLY move out and leave this horrible situation!
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No, you most certainly did not HAVE to have your mom move in with you. You made a choice, and as most always happens when adults live with elderly parents, it ended badly.

Put her in a Medicaid nursing home if she cannot afford a better place.
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Sounds like mom needs assisted living..she has too many needs for one person.. my mom called me her “best friend”…I got exhausted and resentful. my mom adjusted beautifully to her assisted living and calls it “home”. We spend some quality time together. They have a hair salon and a nail day weekly. Friends her own age and lots of activities. The jobs still tough but so much better now!!
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hoopsky: Perhaps it is time that your mother had residence in a managed care facillity. You've done the caregiving for six years.
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Just because she says something, you do not have to reply. It is normal to feel like we have to verbally respond to everything a parent or anyone else says, but we do not! Just let her say whatever she is saying, and go about your next thing ....even if it means going into the next room or going outside ...maybe to check the flowers or take out the garbage.....anything to break the cycle and not engage her in what she wants....your information..... Another thing to try to practice is to redirect the conversation with something else, like maybe, what do you want for dinner, or something about the weather, or anything neutral to talk about.

As a teacher you managed student classroom behavior well, I am sure; all teachers are expected to do this and know the value in this. When it comes to the behaviors of a parent, somehow people do not think the same applies; well it does....

You may need to have her assessed at the next doctor's visit and, seek input from her physician about what level of care she actually needs ; ask the dr. for a referral to a case manager who can work with you and your mother to both assess the situation and provide some options for support; for both of you well being. Parents/ patients do not like change , but it is inevitable ; you can also tell her that it is for her safety also that you have someone else coming in to help and get to know her, in case you were ever ill ; you would know that someone knew how to take care of her.

Get help and do not feel guilty about this. Parents are pros at making adult children feel guilty. You do not have to provide her with every detail of your life .... go where you want, do what you want..... do not explain.....

You can also remind her that the now late Queen Elizabeth 's favorite saying was
" don't complain, don't explain".

If you are associated with any faith/church/synagogue etc. also please consider enlisting the support of the paster, rabbi, or other faith leader to provide the neutral presence to speak with you and your mother together and/or 1:1.

Also she may qualify for hospice care...... since you mentioned cancer and a host of other conditions. Hospice will be glad to come out, talk with you about their services and arrange for an evaluation/assessment of your mother for her appropriateness. Hospice can provide a host of support for both of you.
and, hospice is not about dying, it is about living with a quality of life in the midst of life limiting illnesses ( which it sounds like your mother has ).

Get help, try one or all of the above..... and do not feel guilty ! and do not back down from her......

You are exhausted as a caregiver and, you are being manipulated by the parent.
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MarijaneBL Oct 2022
"janicemeyer18," Can't make the number go up, so to say I agree with your fine reply.
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Here’s another ‘small step’ suggestion. Go out (shopping?) with mother and a ‘friend of yours’ – actually a carer. Part-way through, you have to leave them together while you do something, and be gone for at least an hour. You’ve been held up. Carer/friend has your phone number, mock-phones and says it’s going to be an hour. Carer takes M for a coffee or whatever, and they have to chat. Repeat until M ‘knows’ carer.
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Caregiver burnout or not, you are being mistreated. I am 64 as well, and my mother is 85 and very demanding, determined & entitled. Many in this generation ahead of us expect their children (daughters especially) to care for them infinitum. While they suffer from what many elderly do in later years, this generation is very angry. They don’t want to get old or suffer (who does?) and the expectations of their retirement age grown adult children is unreasonable at best and outrageous at worst. My solution after years of answering my mother’s beckon call, was to move 3 hours away (not far enough). You have to remove yourself as a resource and they will have to fill the void with others. Your mother may live longer than you expect, she may outlive you. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy at this stage of your life. We are not indentured servants to our parents.
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If you and your friends are able to support you in this, perhaps set a date to meet up with you and your Mom at an adult daycare center. Make it an event to introduce her to it and when she sees it can be fun and social then she may not fight you for taking her there and dropping her off next time. You are not wrong to feel how you do. Might need to get creative to make the transition easier though. Maybe introduce a home caregiver as a new friend.
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Well, sounds like you are burnt out alright. Don’t let her run the show. For her companionship, see for theres adult daycare near you so you could drop her off a few hours a day. It’s either that or hiring caregiver to be with her while you go out and do things. Or the other solution is nursing home for her.

She won’t like it and it’ll be an uphill battle, but she needs to do one of the three things above. She will have more enjoyment with people her own age. You need to be running your own life. She shouldn’t be tagging along with you.

Perhaps have a social worker or her Dr explain to her it’s better for her own health to socialize with her peers, whether in a daycare or nursing home. Good luck.
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You would benefit from reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited."

"If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other people's displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for other's feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to other's feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel."

~(What Do You Mean “Boundaries”? by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)

You're a wonderful daughter whose boundaries are being violated by your mother who should be grateful that she has all of the loving care that you provide for her instead of trying to control you and invade your private life.

And I get it. I was raised with zero boundaries and didn't even know that I had a right to them until a friend witnessed the same dynamic between my mother and I and she suggested the boundaries book.
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Things won't change until you change your thinking. Anything Mom refuses is on her: please don't take her anywhere, cancel hair and nail appointments and take yourself out of the equation (you see her as the problem and she sees you as the solution).

Please request an Adult Protective Services counselor evaluate her for Assisted Living and file for Medicaid if she qualifies immediately or will in the future. Perhaps your son is eligible for Assisted Living and Medicaid, too? Is he already receiving Social Security Disability (no need to answer that question here).

Better to be a visitor than a care taker if longevity is a goal of yours.

Please set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can evaluate and medicate if needed. Please make your health and happiness a priority. When your loved ones are placed safely, please consider a wellness retreat: just Google wellness retreat and see what comes up.

Everyone deserves to be happy, but not at the expense of others..........don't let your happiness pass you by.
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Of course not. And you do have burnout. Hire a helper whether she wants one or not. Talk to the caregiving agency and let them know she’s a pill, so you get someone who’s thick-skinned. Once you have somebody coming in regularly every week she’ll eventually adjust to it. Who knows she may even make a friend.

My Mrs. was a pill, she never became overly friendly because that’s the way she was and she had Parkinson’s Lewy body dementia but she learn to deal with others in her home. You must do this for yourself for your sanity.

and when I say pill I say that lovingly as we all understand we love those people we are caring for even though they’re driving us crazy.

now, having someone come into your home, you wanna be there when they come. Because you want to see if it’s a good fit or not, so just make it a social event - a couple hours. Also, you want to buy nanny cams. Be clear about what areas in the house they’re allowed to be in and lock the doors otherwise. And no matter how much you like them or how nice they look, you must lock up everything valuable or considered precious to you. no exceptions.

good luck my heart goes out to you💕💐
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I’m also 64 and I emphasize with you. If you are over sensitive then I am too. Although mine is my husband of 27 years who is only 14 years older than I am.
He was diagnosed with PD two years ago. He can’t drive. And all what you said. Depends on me. I too, hide.
And it is sad when you have to pay someone to be a social outlet. I’m at wits end.
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againx100 Oct 2022
Sorry for your situation. Having an older spouse seems to lead to a younger wife taking care of an older hubby with issues. My hubby is only a few years older than me but I still wonder/worry about how things will play out. Still caring for my mom so I strongly hope that any issues with my hubby don't surface for many years.
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You most definitely have caregiver burnout. Great term by the way.
I know how you feel. my mom could get very “mean” too.
Listen to her carefully and start using her own language when talking to her. Ie: It’s common courtesy to let a grown woman come and go from her own house…

And remind her that she is a guest in your home that you PAY for and you expect her to be polite.
If you are paying for the respite caregiver then I suggest you not involve your mother in the decision to have one. It would be better to get your age with experience that mom can converse with. Invite caregiver to lunch with you and your mom but don’t tell mom she’s a caregiver (yet) she’ll think she’s going to lunch with you and a friend. Next time you need caregiver, when she gets there grab your purse and leave. Caregivers have a way with stubborn people and give them at least 3 hrs to get to know each. Text caregiver to see how it’s going.

Your mom is playing a guilt card. Play your Ace guilt card on her. You deserve a life and your mother has NO right to keep that from you. You have opened your home to her and in return she makes you unhappy.
Ask her why she likes seeing you unhappy. Play ALL your guilt cards, don’t be shy about it because she’s not. Bottom line you need to speak her language because she’ll understand it then.
Good luck and bless
Sabrina
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eat-pray-love Oct 2022
I reworked your comment to fit my sitch with my Mom. "Your mom is playing a guilt card. Play your Ace guilt card on her. You deserve a life and your mother has NO right to keep that from you. You "visit and help in her home & with Doc appts, errands," and in return she makes you unhappy."
Solid advice to poster &....anyone.
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I would make it a statement rather then a question, here’s what we’re doing.

Hire someone to take the pressure off you and your son, it’s really not up to your mother.
We’re kind of conditioned to listen to our parents even when we’ve out grown those old times.

Good luck, and I hope you find some one wonderful your whole family enjoys having around :)
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It's time for you to speak plainly to your mother and put all the cards on the table.

You cannot be her her social life as well as her primary caregiver. This has to stop. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that either she accepts a paid companion coming for her AND whatever conditions you put on her or she will not be living in your home anymore.
When she starts up with the getting mean and belligerent with you because she's not getting her own way or isn't the center of everyone's attention tell her:

'Shut up. I don't care what you think. No one is going to jump because you want or demand something. I do not owe you or anyone else an explanation about where I go or who I see. If you cannot behave respectfully towards me in my home, where I allow you to live then you will be leaving and moving somewhere else'.

This is how you handle a senior brat and it sounds to me like you have one on your hands.

Then you make up a list of your rules and conditions. Have it lamentated and even put a little eyeglasses chain on it so she can wear it around her neck if needs be.
One of these rules is that when you go to bed for the night, the day is finished and she is not to disturb you unless the house is on fire or there's some other serious danger. You take that up immediately no matter what time it is. This is the only way she will ever learn to have an ounce of respect for you and I guarantee she will never wake you up again over nonsense.
No people can be successful in sharing a home if there is not mutual respect among all of the inhabitants of the home. It cannot be done. Your mother may love you very much, but she has no respect for you. Either you demand respect or you put her away. If she's low-income she will qualify for housing vouchers or even Medicaid.
Your life is hard enough having lost your man to Huntington's disease and your son having it too. I had a homecare client years ago who had Huntington's and it is a terrible disease. You certainly do not need the asinine and abusive nonsense of a senior brat on top of the tremendous burden you already carry.
I have a similar problem with my mother who pulls the "common courtesy" nonsense when I go somewhere. I tell her plainly that she has never shown me a moment of courtesy in my life and that it's none of her business where I go or when.
Put your foot down here.
Let me ask you a question. Would she have tolerated this nonsense bratty behavior from you when you lived in her house growing up?
My guess is no she would not have. Nor should you tolerate a moment of it from her.
Please show your mother this post. Tell her it was written by a woman with 25 years experience as an in-home caregiver to sick, elderly, and handicapped people and who has dealt with many senior brats over the years. Most of the senior brats I knew ended up being placed by the family they lived with because they just couldn't take the disrespect, negativity, orneriness, fight- instigating, intrusiveness, verbal abuse, and stubbornness anymore.
They got placed. Believe me no matter how high-end or expensive a managed care facility or AL is, no one is jumps to attention because some senior brat is being disrespectful and demanding. They ignore you. Your mother should be made aware of this.
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PatienceSD Oct 2022
I think better words could be chosen instead of “shut up, no one cares”. It’s always best to show by example and take the high road.
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Try rephrasing the question to yourself. Is it safe for your mother, and your son, to be dependent on one person for everything. You seem to be in good health at the moment. That is in God's hands and can change in a second. (My healthy daughter, linchpin of the family, was diagnosed with a bad, and quite possibly by the odds, quickly fatal cancer a few weeks ago. This occurred with no warnings or symptoms. She has children, and to this point us, to help. Your family does not. You need to put things in place to help them, and to care of yourself, so that you can still keep helping. I would check resources and present this as a necessity not a choice, to your Mom, and your son also. Your Mom is scared of having to depend on others. We all are basically, but it remains a necessity.
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BeenThroughThis Oct 2022
@Moxies, I am so sorry to read here of your dear daughter's shock diagnosis, and am sending good thoughts for you, her, and your whole family for the best possible outcome. Courage!
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The irony of your situation is that your mother is right on one level: it IS common courtesy to let someone you live with know that you are leaving and when you'll be back. Especially when that someone is frail and dependent. But I completely sympathize with you; that level of clinginess in an adult is smothering. Her behavior is creating an intolerable situation of overload for you, which makes you want to run away.

Since running away hasn't worked, I think you are going to have to lay it out for her: no two people can be each other's "everything". Your son needs you, you have friends that you need to spend time with, and you alone aren't enough to fill her world either. Get ready because she will fight, cry, scream, etc. (but isn't she doing that already)?

What I would do is determine what the options are given her financial situation. Perhaps it's (1) paid caregiver/companion in the home, (2) adult day care during the week, (3) assisted living facility. Whatever is available and affordable in your area. Then give her a choice. Current situation of her demanding to follow you everywhere is not an option. If she won't choose you will, and it may not be what she wants. She will think you're mean and accuse you of everything in the book, but your only way out is to be firm. I think you can do it! She's afraid of life going on without her, so she needs to get a life of her own.
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You have been kind and compassionate to care for her for years. I’m assuming mom is not willing in check out assisted living facilities so do it yourself and select one for her. Then will come the inevitable hissy fit when you tell her about the new living arrangement. It will be a difficult discussion but you certainly deserve your life back. You’ve done more than enough and have no regrets. It’s time. Hugs and here’s to better days ahead.
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hoopsky hasn't been back. I am wondering why she had to be the sacrificial lamb 6 years ago to take her mother in. And also wondering why she can't place her in a facility.
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