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I agree with everyone here; just wanted to make a comment. I don't understand why families say, "Oh, but we don't want them to go to a care facility (whatever the type) yet they don't want to either move in with the person or have them come and live with them. This lady does not want to go into care, and she pits her family members against each other to get what she wants. When you get to the point that you cannot take care of your daily needs and need help, there are choices. Thank God we now have a variety of care facilities that are not "hell-holes". It is sad to get to that stage in life but we all will get there. Medsister needs to stand her ground and the SIL who does not want to continue care giving needs to "man up" and get MIL to realize that she needs to find a facility to live it.
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You have receive some really go advice here. I think some many of us (myself included) think we don't have any power or say to what is going on in our situation. But we do! We just don't activate it. Jesus died and gave us power through Him. It is our job to have faith in that power, which I am working on in my own situation. So, you do have a say what or who lives in your home.

God bless you.
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Yes, you do have a say in who lives in your home and whether or not you are prepared to do any care giving. Nobody can make you accept her into your home nor can they force you to care for her one minuted of the day.

So If your sil does not want to look after her, it is up to her to find the care your mil needs. It is not your responsibility to provide anything at all.

Now if your dh decides he wants her to live with him, move out. That way he can attend to the 24/7 care giving needs and you will have your freedom. The other option is that you dh moves into an apartment with his mother. I am sure he will change his tune and support you.
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Put the pressure on SIL to explain why she doesn't want to be the carer. LOTS of pressure. The more she explains, the easier it is for you to say no. Don't let the conversation be about you. She's the one opting out.
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mally1 Oct 2018
And the more she explains, the more reason you won't do it....
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Why doesn't anyone want to put her in a SNF? If none of them want to do it, yet they all expect YOU to take her in -- well, refuse to do so and then into the SNF she goes.
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My DH wanted "us" to take his father in when he was dying. Thought it would be a GREAT WAY to take care of a dying man.

Uh, no, I said "You want US to care for your dad? I will happily move out and you can care for him". DH was flabbergasted! Isn't this what kids DID for their folks? Gosh, how could I BE so selfish.

I stood my ground, firmly. The compromise was HHC, which was terrible, and ended up going to his place 2-3 times a day to dress wounds, cook or run him to drs. It was awful and time consuming, but he wasn't living with us.

Dh did see how utterly exhausted I was by this. He also did apologize for the idea of bringing dad here to live.

I was only 47 and this wiped me OUT.

When dad got so bad he needed to be in a NH, he chose to die, instead. (Hospice).

Now my hubby's mother is in a similar situation. He had previously broached the same idea, she'd move in with us. After my hysterical laughter died down, I said "You go live with her. And good luck with that". He knew better than to even ASK me when she began a decline a year or so ago.

I'm now 62 and busy taking care of (and enjoying!!!) 14 grandkids and I absolutely would NEVER take in an aging parent. Heck, I AM an aging parent!

Sounds like you need a "come to Jesus" meeting with all sibs on board. Have a list of NH's or ALF's in hand. Do NOT say you'll bring MIL to live with you, under any circumstances, but that you will be willing to "help".

And you DO have a HUGE part in this say: You think your DH is going to step up and do the bathing, meals and dr runs? It will be on you 99%. SO YES, you DO have a stay.

My mother lives with my brother. My SIL is unhappy with this and was from the start. She currently does not even SPEAK to my mother, and mother is baffled by this (she's a pill and it's been 22 years!!!!!!)

I have seen, so rarely, multigenerational families live in harmony in one home. Sad, but true. Marriages are ruined, families are fractured by disagreement about the kind/level of care. You have sibs who are MIA and not doing their part, then they complain the loudest when something goes amiss.

AGAIN: THIS HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! Your voice should be heard and heard loudly.

Good luck!! Be tough, OK?
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mally1 Oct 2018
Oh I agree, Midkid; sometimes I just say, "No, I'm not doing that, No, I'm not able, No, No, No." Not as hard to say and mean and hold firm to as you'd think; they may complain (hubby wanting me to pick up something REALLY heavy with him, or mom wanting me to come into town (6 miles in the dark), to make her a sandwich), but they manage to get it done without me!
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