FIL and MIL lived in same community as us for all our married life until last year and one-half. FIL passed away 18 years ago and MIL became more and more dependent. My entire married life has included helping inlaws out in many ways from finances to caregiving to house repairs to have them live with us to bailing FIL out of jail for DWI to bailing out MIL financially from Gambling Addiction.
My spouse, their son, and I have been married 52 years and all that time my inlaws have been a constant source of disputes in our marriage. My husband's siblings lived a few hours away most of these 52 years. As long as my husband complied to everything inlaws asked of us, everything seemed to go okay. When we could not or would not comply to what they wanted, they would tattle to the rest of the family that we were not good to them. I was always the bad person, they would say or imply that if it had not been for me, that my husband would have done what they wanted. Untrue things were said by them to my children my family or me. Now my SIL can't handle her 93 year old mother any more and wants to send her back this way. I have so much resentment toward SIL and MIL that I don't want to have the 24/7 care of MIL in any shape, form or fashion.
My husband will have to do it and he does not want to give up his hobbies, guy trips, sports, etc and I have no faith that he will. None of the siblings want MIL to live with them but none of them want to put her in skilled facility to take care of her needs. The situation would not be good if we all had a good relationship. I am 72, my husband is 74 and we can't physically or mentally take care of her anymore on a 24/7 basis. 40 plus years of caring for his parents is enough. It is time the siblings made some decisions. In my opinion MIL would be better taken care of in a facility that is equipped to take care of her 24/7 needs. I have no say so in this matter but if she stays with us, I will end up taking care of her the majority of the time. I WILL NOT do this again.
I don't want it said that I am the reason MIL goes into a facility but if it is said I am ready to say SO BE IT. My husband and his siblings need to accept the responsibility of MIL's care. She has refused to go to a facility so far. I guess I have written this just to vent. I am tired of my life being turned upside down and I now have made the choice to just be a bystander to her care. I refuse to have no input and be an unappreciated caregiver. I feel like I am fighting for my life. HELP!!!!
God bless you.
So If your sil does not want to look after her, it is up to her to find the care your mil needs. It is not your responsibility to provide anything at all.
Now if your dh decides he wants her to live with him, move out. That way he can attend to the 24/7 care giving needs and you will have your freedom. The other option is that you dh moves into an apartment with his mother. I am sure he will change his tune and support you.
Uh, no, I said "You want US to care for your dad? I will happily move out and you can care for him". DH was flabbergasted! Isn't this what kids DID for their folks? Gosh, how could I BE so selfish.
I stood my ground, firmly. The compromise was HHC, which was terrible, and ended up going to his place 2-3 times a day to dress wounds, cook or run him to drs. It was awful and time consuming, but he wasn't living with us.
Dh did see how utterly exhausted I was by this. He also did apologize for the idea of bringing dad here to live.
I was only 47 and this wiped me OUT.
When dad got so bad he needed to be in a NH, he chose to die, instead. (Hospice).
Now my hubby's mother is in a similar situation. He had previously broached the same idea, she'd move in with us. After my hysterical laughter died down, I said "You go live with her. And good luck with that". He knew better than to even ASK me when she began a decline a year or so ago.
I'm now 62 and busy taking care of (and enjoying!!!) 14 grandkids and I absolutely would NEVER take in an aging parent. Heck, I AM an aging parent!
Sounds like you need a "come to Jesus" meeting with all sibs on board. Have a list of NH's or ALF's in hand. Do NOT say you'll bring MIL to live with you, under any circumstances, but that you will be willing to "help".
And you DO have a HUGE part in this say: You think your DH is going to step up and do the bathing, meals and dr runs? It will be on you 99%. SO YES, you DO have a stay.
My mother lives with my brother. My SIL is unhappy with this and was from the start. She currently does not even SPEAK to my mother, and mother is baffled by this (she's a pill and it's been 22 years!!!!!!)
I have seen, so rarely, multigenerational families live in harmony in one home. Sad, but true. Marriages are ruined, families are fractured by disagreement about the kind/level of care. You have sibs who are MIA and not doing their part, then they complain the loudest when something goes amiss.
AGAIN: THIS HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! Your voice should be heard and heard loudly.
Good luck!! Be tough, OK?