Mom wants to “die in her home”. I’m trying to help her but I am so burned out. I need to get my own life after 6 yrs. of caring. I don’t feel well anymore and am worried I might not have any quality of life left. The only solutions I can think of are to get a house of my own, or to have mom go to a sister or brother. Mom would not want to do that,
as she loves her home.
please help.
So let's walk into his home, a beautiful South Florida villa. He'd been sick for almost 8 months. His hospital bed is on the sun porch. He loved to look out at the greenery and sky. The carpets are stained because he had accidents, bladder and bowel. Sometimes his bowels would just empty when we stood him up. We took precautions, the three and more caregivers and I. But it still happened. And food and drinks were spilled. He fell and bumped into things, leaving marks on the walls and furniture. His walker is in the corner. And the oxygen tanks. And the Hoyer lift. A stand to wheel his catheter bag when he walked outside. His suspenders tossed over the back of a chair. He needed them because his pants wouldn't stay up when he lost so much weight.
His medical supplies mingle with the food in the fridge. There are plastic bags of medical things and also morphine. Pills here and there, especially in the kitchen. Many bottles, many dispensers. All sorts of aids in the bathroom for toileting and showering. All kinds of bandages and boxes from catheters and other supplies. We had to make room for all the equipment throughout the house, so furniture and other items are piled in the dining room. We can't eat there. He can't either.
The whole house smells like a sickroom. Bodily fluids, disinfectant spray to cover the odor. Antiseptics. Rubbing alcohol. Ointments. Paperwork from his hospitalizations. Folders pertaining to chemo, appointments. Large message boards for caregivers, for appointment reminders. Little papers with phone messages. Always dirty dishes to be washed, large bags of adult diapers to be disposed of (the garbage can, which was built into the ground, wasn't large enough for all that we needed between trash pickups). Always laundry to be done.
Dad crying that he wanted to die. Hospice doctors, nurses, a minister and PTs in and out. Never quiet in the house until nighttime. Difficult to leave the house to buy food, and I'd cook it only to have visitors stop by and eat it. Dad begging doctor to give him a shot to end it. Doctor saying no.
This is what dying at home looks like. I'm not doing that to my family.
Mom won't get to die in her home if you die first, so sorry, Mom.
Dying in one's home is overrated. From my experience with my parents, neither knew where they were for several days before they died. (For Mom it was more like months.) Both we essentially unconscious in those last days. Dad was at home, Mom was not. I don't recall my father dying with a thumbs up and a smile thanking ps for his location of death.
You needn't be quite as blunt as I was just then, but if Mom needs more care than you believe you can give her, then she needs to be moved to that place. you are not required to lay down your life at the altar of hers.
It boggles my mind when parents act like this. It boggles my mind when we daughters buy into the hype and FOG, too.
We should all be so lucky to afford the luxury lifestyle AL affords us in old age. Instead of acting like it's a crime or a sin to make such arrangements. God values EACH life He gave us equally. It's time you do too.
I think you will have to sit down and tell your mother that you are sorry but you cannot continue on, don't you? It is truly not relevant at this time whether this is what she wants or not; this is what is necessary.
And if she does not agree, then yes, it is time to get a place of your own and call APS to render assistance to senior in need.
I am sorry you didn't consider your own human limitations in this equation, and I hope the repercussions on your health are not permanent.
I wish you the very best. I am afraid that honesty is the only answer here. She will, of course grieve this final loss of her home. It is worth grieving over. Not everything can be made perfect; we are only human.
I would suggest that you have a meeting with your siblings and make a plan to place your mother, so you and everyone else can have some quality of life.
It is no longer about what your mother wants it is about what she needs as well as you.
My mother is 98 and I see her living another couple of years, she is in AL, and likes it, being around people her own age and enjoying the activities and not having to lift a finger.
Time for you to regain your life, you have done your part, or should I say more than done your part.
My mother loved her home as well, but she could no longer take care of it or herself and my brother & I lived 700 miles away, it was time for her to go into AL, best for all concerned.
Sometimes we need to bite the bullet, accept the facts, you are entitled to a life and you are not getting any younger either. Don't waste the years you have left caring for your mother 24/7 when there are other options available.
Best of Luck!
You've done your very best and now it's time to place your mom in a memory care facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get your life back and get back to just being her child and advocate.
Your mom has had her life, now it's time for you to get yours back.
No one ever(if asked)wants to leave their home, but there comes a time when there is no other option. Your mom would not want you killing yourself(if she was in her right mind)over her care and because of her. No more than you would want your child to kill themselves over your care.
So again, PLEASE start taking care of yourself and get mom placed in the appropriate facility.
You don't feel good because you are stressed out. You have no life of your own, depressed? You too are a senior. We only have so much energy we can expend. I am 73 and can't imagine caring for anyone at this point.
You need to call your siblings and tell them that Moms care has gone beyond what you can do. That ur health is now being effected. If they are not willing to care for her, then she needs to be placed.
The one person in family who supports them, brothers wife, would be 90.
So we’ve toLd them that well that won’t be realistic. I reckon we will all be ready for some al by then.
I would have an honest discussion about this.
A KIND chat...
Yes she will die. One day. The timing is set by powers beyond us.
The location can sometimes be chosen by us, but mostly is not within our control either.
Is she a person with faith? Would she like to discuss these end of life matters questions with her Faith Leader?
Or a BLUNT chat..
Yes you CAN die at home.
You can die in your NEW home. Your new room in AL.
Or even dark humour..?
Well hurry up! You've got 3 weeks before you move.
That statement to "to die in her home". What does she REALLY mean?
- To die where she is comfortable?
- Where family is?
- Where she feels loved?
- To not be alone?
Many people fearful of 'the end' can be soothed by talking about what they really value.
At the end of the day, most people really won't care about the ROOM they are in, the paintings, the furnishings. They care about having pain controlled & someone they love to hold their hand. Or spmeone to tell them they have been a 'Good Mom'.
"At her request, I moved from another state to help her, so I have no social contacts of my own, and only have visits from siblings twice per year, as both brother and sister live a distance away"
If your mother insists on staying in her own home, tell her it's time for one of her other beloved children to uproot themselves to live with her.
You've done your time.
See All Answers