My son and his fiancee and their baby daughter live with mom and me. I am taking care of mom (89) who has Dementia and COPD. She forgets everything and there is much that I have to do for her. If I ask my son for one thing, he rants and raves that he works and has a 3 year old baby to care for. He does help occasionally, like taking over the responsibility of caring for my mother while I visited some relatives for 2 days. But I might as well have stayed home because all I heard was how much he had to do around the house to take care of both mother and child. I ran out my anti-depressant meds over the weekend and have been doing nothing but crying and wishing I could run away. But if I do that, I feel so guilty that I can not relax for worrying about what is going on at home. I can not afford a nurse or someone to come in and help me as my mother is paranoid about things getting stolen from strangers. She refuses to go to ALH or NH and my son makes it worse by threatening that he will never speak to me again if I send my mother away. Additionally, my health is deteriorating as well and I am finding it more difficult to do everyday things for her as well as keep up with housework and cooking. I wish sometimes I could find a way to relax and be able to focus on something other than caregiving and listening to my verbally abusive son complain.
If there really is a good reason for you living together, it sounds like there desperately need to be some new house rules!
One son and one step-daughter rent rooms from me. It works out beautifully. I love the arrangement. But I cannot imagine either of them talking disrespectfully to me, or me talking down to them.
Methink it is time for your Mom to sell her house, take whatever equity she can get from the house and find a lovely assistant living community, where she can make new friends, and enjoy the next few years of her life, if not more. You're your Mother's prime Caregiver, not your son. It is up to you to make these decisions. He sounds way too immature especially when he telling you he would stop talking to you if you put your Mom into an aging care community.
You have to do what is in the best interest for your Mom AND for you. You son has the rest of his life to enjoy with his new family. I think he's afraid if Grandma leaves, the house will sell and he won't have anywhere to live. Well, he needs to get his act together and put on his big boy pants.
1. you throw your son out. You change the locks.
2. You call council on aging and get some help with the caregiving.
3. You get yourself a doctor appt and get a full physical including an evaluation for depression.
4. You find adult day care and/or caregivers to come in and help with mom. It's not her choice anymore. You're the caregiver. What's going to happen in you die? Who will take care of her?
Glor, I feel bad for you because you apparently don't get that YOU have to change your behavior in order to change this situation. No one else can do that.
If you let yourself be used? You'll be used. We receive the treatment and respect we command, You haven't been commanding much.
As for "I cannot afford a nurse or someone to come in and help me as my mother is paranoid about things getting stolen by strangers," that doesn't even make sense. Those are two different issues.
As to "things getting stolen," get a lock for one or two of the bedroom doors and put valuables (jewelry, money, etc.) and personal papers in the locked rooms when there's a stranger in the house. Your mom may still not like it, but "You're the boss, Applesauce."
As to not being able to afford to PAY some to come in, well, mom receives a $1,000 yearly stipend from an agency affiliated with the Council on Aging. Check with them to see what benefits your mom may be entitled to. Get rent from your son. Have him pay half the utilities. Get paid for child care if you're providing it.
If he moves out because he doesn't want to contribute money to the household, you'll be saving money in the long run. You'd probably need to place your mom into assisted living. Find a way to make it happen. I don't think one person can care for an 89-year-old with dementia and other health concerns alone.
You're overwhelmed. Make some changes if you can.
(Those who think that putting someone into custodial care is such a terrible thing don't know anything about these facilities. Their loved ones are kept safe and clean . . . they have entertaining activities (especially for their memory floors), Illinois mandates 8 hours of planned activity for these units. They eat good. They get their meds on time; and very often (depending on their health issues) are in better shape after three months in a nursing home or assisted living facility than they were at home.