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Hospice providing only one hour a day is pretty standard. that gives the aide time to help the client bath and do some tidying up AND do a load of laundry.
They may follow through and discharge her if she does go to the hospital again. Does she have a valid reason? Do they find something to treat. She is supposed to call hospice when she feels unwell. Does she call you and hubby first? If so you call hospice and request a visit from them. She is so thin she comes under the heading of failure to thrive. They can not simply discharge her because she is a nuisance and refuses to follow instructions. Many patients do that. it is not safe for her to be alone so hospice should be taking the lead in getting her placed. she maybe considered competent but she has more than adequately demonstrated she can not take care of herself. hubby is his own worst enemy and as long as he continues to enable her this is going to continue. Get after that useless SW and insist that she starts doing something about placement and keep calling every day. Also write to her and send it return receipt to the office. That may scare her. They are not going to want to be reported to the State. you can also send a copy to the hospice director and the board of directors. The board can make life h**l for the staff. The board is usually composed of prominent local people who often know nothing of what the work actually consists of and would rather spend money on new carpets for the office than paying the nurses a decent wage. But then I am bitter because nurses are always at the bottom of the food chain. Will certainly pray for you but you do have the tools to get the job done
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APS called back Friday. They are putting in a referral for someone to come out and help as long as there is no conflict with hospice. What type of help? It is unknown? Another call is coming midweek to let us know whether this option will take place. Other than that, they still say this is all they can do since she is considered competent according to hospice and hospital social workers. We did not know APS had tried to visit her until last week when it was told they tried three times. I do not think they interviewed her or looked at housing situation. I hope they send someone who will see that her being competent is not the case.

Veronica: Hospice after this last visit to the hospital is only coming out one hour a day Mon. thru Fri. with threats of discontinuing service if mil goes to hospital one last time. Losing weight? She has no weight on her, almost skin and bones. Very little person now. I guess if APS is able to send someone we will have to ask who will take care of her finances since she refuses to give power of attorney.

Hubby took dinner over again this weekend as usual but I asked him Saturday not to bring over laundry and that we needed to come up with a way for laundry to be done where the mess is being made (no clothes dryer because of electrical problems – house needs rewiring) (now looking at portables). The aid washes the clothes, we re-wash before bringing here (tried various suggestions from here) but as soon as you put stuff in the dryer OMG – it’s like it’s never been washed/let alone washed three times. And then I'm p-oed all over again.

When he took Sunday’s dinner, he says someone had already brought her Sunday dinner but did not touch her or the dump truck load of laundry running out the area. He said he asked who brought her dinner and he says she says she has no idea. So either she is lying or had another day of overtaking medication. This isn't unusual. Hospice had to prevent a morphine overdose last year.

I know the calls will start tomorrow since the slaves didn’t get all the dirty laundry done. I will not accept calls but hubby is another story. I guess he’ll need another key and leave it somewhere for APS to get entrance. Well, keep us in prayer. I hope next report will be a good report.
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This has gone on long enough. You are not responsible for MIL and need have nothing to do with her but if you would like your marriage to continue take care of your spouse. He way not be demented but he is in worse condition that his mother. With his level of pain and the accompanying depression can you imagine what his living conditions would be like if you were not taking care of things. He is not only worn out he is totally disabled. His back is broken her is totally paralysed.
I realize you are fed up with your MIL and having to go over there and clean up and you don't have to. Stop now as of today. This minute pick up the phone and tell hospice the pair of you resign as her primary caregiver. She is too weak to hold the phone so she can't take care of herself. How much help is hospice sending in?
They can provide medical transportation especially for some thing as important as a mental evaluation. Is she loosing weight? That comes under failure to thrive and a good enough reason for a hospital stay and NH. Don't go near MIL but fles your muscles as your hubby's caregiver. Let the SW know how bad her is and how much Pain medication he needs daily. If it zones him out another good reason he can't run his Mom around fetch groceries etc You have a job and kids. If hubby is unable to work you can't stop working. What happens if he runss a red light and gets stopped and drug tested?
There is a way round all this but you have to think outside the box and not wait for others to take action. If you don't have financial POA it is probably illegal for you to be handling Mom's EBT card.
Next time there is a visit to the ER take the car keys and don't let hubby pick her up.
Take care of your spouse or pack up and walk away. Only you know what is best for your family.
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Encourage sister to visit. Maybe she will be less emotionally bruised and beat up and ready to take the bull by the horns once she actually SEES for herself what is going on. I am so sorry to hear hubby is not up to the task.
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So APS is considering you as a meddling in-law. Get documentation from those who have said she needs a nursing home. Get it in writing. Make copies and send them to the head of social services via certified mail with a return receipt requested. And you step back. You do no more, don't go there, don't lift a finger, tell 911 to kick in the door.
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APS finally called today while on my way to work. The first part of the conversation did go, “there is nothing we can do since everyone is saying she is competent.” However, after more discussion, I was told we would receive another call tomorrow after they look into a few more things. Hubby would not take the cell phone when I asked him if he would like to speak to them. He and kids were with me today to visit other family while I worked but the mood quickly turned sour and words between us became few. Her sister also called this week (lives out of state) saying that mom and other family members say she is just fine and needs noone so hubby invited her to visit. It is like a he say she say. Please keep us in your prayers. This situation is a mess and a hurtful one. Sigh.
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Answry. Just Do It Anyways. You will get blame and negativity no matter what you do. Maybe that's not a guilt trip, that's an attempt to make something happen that needs to happen. SW may know that APS in your area may not come through with the help that is needed, leaving you - and her- stuck until the dementia/incompetence is documented. No one can be happy and calm about a woman who shouldn't be living alone, living alone. No, it won't go well. She will hate you for making her go to the doctor. Just. Do. It. Anyways.

I hope the neurotomy worked or is starting to! To face this level of stress and difficulty while also being in chronic pain has got to be about all a body can take and then some. I'm praying for you and MIL and the strength this is going to take.
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We use her card that is loaded with her benefits to pay her bills. The other very small check gets moms grocery and household. Whatever remains, we give to her to keep arguments down. She cannot hold the telephone or read the bills long enough to make the payments over the telephone. SW wants us to get her out of the home and drive her around to doctor appointments (at one time we did) and to pay bills. However, that would mean tons of oxygen tanks because they only last a couple of hours and she can’t use the continuous/portable ones (as seen on TV) according to hospice. Not to mention she can’t stand. She always tries to prove that she can by getting on the portable potty by her bedside and then she gets stuck because she can’t get back up to get in bed. That’s not to mention all the times that she has missed.

I know vstefans. I love my spouse and I know he is tired. However, I’ve started to feel like if I make the call to adult protection (which I did) and it doesn’t go easy but turn around on us that I will get the blame. I was the one that mentioned hospice and got the ball rolling with that and get to hear off and on how he wish we never got them involved, which I’ve started to feel a lot like that as well.

Doctor said he would do dementia test but we would have to do transport according to SW and hospice nurse. Spouse says mom is too weak and asks about other transport methods. This was Friday. Here comes the call from SW yesterday with her guilt trip about how good it would be for mom to be with us and how we should do transport. Well it would be a great idea if it weren’t for the fact that we’ve been there and done that and it did not go well neither time.

Spouse goes to have a procedure done tomorrow-called radiofrequency neurotomy. I pray it goes well for him so that maybe all this strong pain medication can be lowered. These people do not understand that spouse isn’t to do any heavy lifting. One wrong hit, fall, or turn then he will be in a wheelchair.
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Answry, you wrote "I’ve decided that if spouse is truly tired he will get it done" but I'll tell you what, he is well beyond tired, and so wracked by guilt that he's going to need some major support to see his way out of the forest with all those trees in the way. I hope he is open to help and support from you and anyone else who can give it.
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I'm a bit confused. How can your husband pay his mom's bills without a financial Power of Attorney?

If you hire an eldercare attorney, the cost can be recouped from his mom's estate as this benefits her - so you don't need to shop for a discount attorney - any eldercare or family attorney will do. Get a competent eldercare attorney and go for guardianship. Your husband already pays her bills, so there is already some proof she needs this help which means that guardianship would probably be pretty darn easy to get. Have the doctors and social workers she has seen write up their recommendations, list out all the Lifeline calls and falls out of bed, document the condition of the house.
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OMG not the dog house answry?
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Yes, and lots of water to take in indeed. I have already checked on many of your ideas and suggestions like aps, the lockbox, a few attorneys, etc. I wanted input on what else could be done and if this or that sound correct. And that we have gotten plus some. However, I’ve decided that if spouse is truly tired he will get it done. I know where to send him if he wants to get it done.
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Social Worker, I presume. Do they take an oath of office?
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What is 'SW'?
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All good answers!! vstefans is right, the SW is not even close to holding up her oath of office.
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Hold it again. SW says YOU would get in trouble for hubby taking pix of the mess in order to try to document necessity for guardianship? I see an incompetent professional trying to cover her own butt. YOU have already gone to APS with this, how are YOU getting in trouble? You have been counseled that mom can go home and in not incompetent...this is obviously wrong. Is there something you are leaving out that would make this SW seem like they care about your family and trying to help you do the right thing? I think you need another opinion on what your realistic options are here and how best to get Mom into care.
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At this point I think we have taken the horse to water so it's up to answry whether or not she is thirsty. Hubby needs to find the family jewels. I'm done
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Oh, and just so you know...nobody in the good old US of A can FORCE anyone to be someone else's caretaker. Abandoning a parent to the state isn't 'abandoning' them. It just means that you refuse to accept the responsibility for them anymore, thereby forcing the state to step in if they don't have anyone else. I would have done it already if I were in your shoes.
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"I heard the SW in the background talking about the world of trouble we would be opening ourselves up too if we started to take pictures, taping conversations, or taking videos of anything. Therefore, hubby backed down on that idea."

Pictures? Videos? Please. If that was a punishable offense then everyone and their brother with a cell phone would be in loads of shit for taking pictures and videos 24/7, of everything and everyone. My son's buddy goes around taking pics of women's asses for kicks.

As for taping conversations, that's only illegal if only ONE person knows about it. If the hubs walks in there, says 'I'M RECORDING OUR CONVERSATIONS FROM NOW ON', there's nothing illegal about it.
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Somebody needs to take the bull by the horns here.

Next time she falls, call 911 and tell them flat out that you refuse, absolutely refuse, to take on the responsibility of her care for one more minute of one more day. Abandon her to the state and be done with it. They'll place her where she needs to be whether she wants it or not. The end. Then you can visit. Or not.
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On one of the many calls from this SW stressing how things needed to change. Hubby mentioned that he was going to start taking pictures of the living condition since it is a he say she say situation. I heard the SW in the background talking about the world of trouble we would be opening ourselves up too if we started to take pictures, taping conversations, or taking videos of anything. Therefore, hubby backed down on that idea.

So true that hospice does not mean the patient is terminal anymore. In fact, after mom made it back this last time from hospital the nurse came to our home and really laid it out. She said moms conditions could go either way. She could be gone tomorrow (you never know) but more than likely she would be with us a very long time because her conditions are manageable. All it would take is taking medications as prescribed and eating more.

I understand what everyone is saying. Appreciation for the outpour.
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answry, do you realize that this rodeo is due to your husband's lack of care for his own family (you & your children)? You cannot make him want to deprioritize his mother, any more than you can make him prioritize you & your children.

This situation is not as much about the problem with MIL as it is the problem with husband. The horror will continue as long as he allows it in to his life -- and as long as you allow him to bring it into yours, and into your mutual childrens'.

You either have to step up and take care of yourself and the children, or continue as things are.

I wish you well as you give yourself permission to exit the squirrel cage.
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hospice does not mean you are terminal anymore..
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answry my mother's nursing home calls me for every little thing and nothing. For the sake of my sanity I take the phone off the hook late afternoon until the next morning. There are skilled staff on duty 24/7 and there's a hospital 4km away. Whatever it is, I'll deal with it in the morning.
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No amstegman, spouse did not pick her up from the hospital last time. The ambulance transported her home. He went and unlocked the door and then came back home.
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My spouse’s counselor for depression and pain issues has suggested he step back long ago. I’ve second that it’s time for spouse to step back long ago even before mom and grandma got down because I saw they depended on this only child way, way too much. Hospice has suggested the last round that he steps back – but they constantly call for every little thing and then try to make him feel guilty on the days he chooses not to respond. Not only that, weekends are truly all ours. I have shown this post to spouse and it is truly time for him to deal with this on his own. Therefore, I will be the one to take a step back. It is just hard when you see all the frustration and sadness – feelings.

However, I do want to thank you all so much for listening and for your words of wisdom. Much appreciation!
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I would tell ER that she does not live alone and you will not do it any more. In my state we have a safe haven law that babies can be abandoned to fire, police hospitals, etc without fear of being prosecuted. We need something like that for anyone, not just elderly that do not care themselves. Perhaps you should abandon her to the state. There is a member of this forum that recently did just that. Same story no POA, she was left with no choice. Tough love sounds as if it is required. Get your life back, take care of you.
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I didn't think they did but they do if it's a hospice patient. been ther done that!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Veronica, EMT's take her to the ER, but they don't take her home. My guess is the son caves in and picks her up. Plus Hospice said one more trip to the ER and she is dropped from the program. I agree leaving her in the ER is the best idea, but answry would have to stop taking the calls, as her husband already did. I would just tell the SW I was all done, they can do what they want. Walk away. So Sad.
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Here I go again about to jump in with both feet. Next time she calls the ambulance. get over to her house and after she is on her way lock the house up tighter than Fort Knox so those kindly EMTs can not tuck her back into bed in a couple of hours. Call the ER and tell them you can no longer take care of her because it is not safe for her to be living alone and she can not live with you and with young children in the house you can not allow them to witnes their grandmother's nudity and other disgusting behavior. They can not dump her on her own doorstep or deliver her to your home because you won't be opening the door should they turn up. Do not go to the ER. Call hospice and tell them where she is and demand don't ask that they admit her and then place her. You will get all kinds of presure from hospice and the hospital but hospice usually has arrangements with a local hospital for emergency admissions for medical or social conditions. Be prepared to change the lock on the house because the old witch may have a key hidden that you do not know about.If she is returned to the house other than by those returning her having a key call the police and acuse breaking and entering. Make sure hospice does not have a key.
If you have not had a reply from APS sent them a letter with return receipt so you can prove they were notified but did not take any action. also take photographs of the worst mess you can see in the house make them as disgusting as possible and include a couple for APS. If you don't have the stomach for this the bull just dumped you.
I hear that obtaining guardianship is time consuming and expensive. don't worry about having to clear out the house Medicare will have the doors padlocked before you can say "shiver me timbers". the State will automatically take over care of the old lady and make all future decisions about her care and final placement. so you will have no say but you will be told where she is and be able to visit.

This sounds really cruel and hard but you have tried doing it the nice way and hospice who are supposed to help patients and families have simply been hostile. it does sound as though she should never have been admitted in the first place but that's not my call.

As an after thought to anyone who does need to make a key available for any reason to enter a house and you don't want to leave it under the mat. You can purchase lock boxes. they are like a huge padlock and hang on the door knob. You choose a code and leave the key inside and tell whoever needs to get in what the code is and they have acess. realtors use them a lot..
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