How do you stay focused at work when your mom's health is going downhill?
My mom (84) has been going steadily downhill for the past few months. She has had 3 UTIs which landed her in the hospital and today her aide called to tell me there is blood in her urine again. (UTIs due to massive kidney stone that requires surgery, but she is never well enough to have the surgery). I have a constant knot in my stomach and am constantly fielding calls from doctors, nurses, insurance, etc. (She is at home with 24/7 care, in a wheelchair or bed all day.) I have been at my company for 7 years, but recently took on a new position that feels like a brand-new job. I have a new boss and there is TONS of work and things for me to learn. I did tell my boss that my mom has been ill and she was understanding, but, still, I am SO stressed out trying to keep up with everything. I'm an only child, so I'm it as far as managing my mother's care. WTF do you do in this situation? I am wrung out.
Many people in your situation would be able to throw themselves into their work and shut out all distractions while at work. But all the phone calls must make that difficult for you.
I've been overwhelmed at work at times too with dealing with mom's care - it's exhausting and I make up for it by working long hours - I know of no easy solution short of turning away from it all, but then that's not going to happen
As one person told me - it won't always be like this
Rest when you can and be present as much as you can at work and make up the time missed even if something else such as household chores don't get done
Trite advice maybe, but sometimes we complicate things in our mind too much. If I had it to do over again I would have lived in the moment more and left control up to God.
My job performance certainly suffered, but not enough that it mattered to others, just to me.
But my mom was in a nursing home. If she had a uti or even pneumonia, it was handled in house.
I know this probably seems like a choice between you being miserable and her being miserable. And she may well decline just as fast from the uti and stone combination in the nh. But there will be less wear and tear on her, going to ERs and hospital stays if she's getting round the clock nursing care.
Anyway, there is no way she is going back to a NH. That would kill her faster than any infection. Plus, I'd have to re-do the medicaid app for NH vs home care, which would kill me! Also, my office is very close to her apartment, so it's much easier for me to visit her regularly. The NHs in NYC are not close, and most of them are beyond bleak.
Gershun, you are absolutely right. I try to live in the moment and sometimes I turn off my phone. I figure a few hours isn't going to matter in terms of most of these calls. If it's a true emergency, her aide can call 911.
It was recommended by our pulmonary doctor, who said it addresses people who have chronic problems, but aren't ready for hospice. Since then, I've found that nearly everyone I speak with in the medical profession has a different interpretation of Palliative Care.
Some agencies which also have hospice care and a home health care arm seem to have a more well developed program. One makes arrangements not only for periodic home nursing care but a visiting physician as well.
That could address the medical aspect. I think the fact that she's not alone but has support for 24/7 is a major factor, so think of that when you become anxious.
How confident are you in the 24/7 caregivers? Can they handle more, not necessarily interfacing with medical pros, but other tasks that now require your attention? I.e., how much can you delegate? Don't consider yourself a doer, but rather a manager and delegator. This could shift and substantially reduce the anxiety and responsibility you feel.
As to the various other issues that arise during the day:
Perhaps you could take your lunch hour at an earlier or later time and handle the medical calls then, and only then UNLESS it's an emergency. You might want to address this with the home care people if you have confidence that they can determine which calls and issues are emergencies and which are not.
Sometimes I just tell people I can't address this issue at the moment and will contact them after I've had a chance to review the situation.
I do know that it's often hard to treat everything as a potential emergency; I've been through that and had to learn to rationalize what the worst and best outcomes are, then decide whether the issue can wait until a higher priority has been resolved.
I can understand the anxiety that confronts you. I've battled with it myself and often am overcome. I've had to work hard to control it. What I find instantly relaxes me are garden magazines, photos of animals, especially kittens and puppies, or beautiful nature photos of magnificent mountains, meadows, and other natural wonders. I used to have these kinds of calendars at work and could glance at them periodically for some mental relief.
Even a 5 minute break helps relieve the anxiety. Since you're learning a new job, perhaps you can take a few minute every hour to just pretend you're working but allow your mind to roam to a calmer place.
In addition, I was the main caretaker for my dad and it was very time consuming. I wanted to make sure that all calls got directly to me regarding his medical care and informed my boss that I may need to step out of the office if I got an urgent call, or possibly even leave should it be something emergent.
As a parent ages, they become a high priority and since you are an only child, I hate to say it, but the responsibility DOES fall on you. Some medical emergencies may seem small; yet when it comes to an elderly parent, even something as simple as a UTI can turn into many more serious health conditions in a very short time.
I guess what I'm trying to say (and may get much flack from) is this. Your mom's impaired health is a concern to you...and there may be days when you may have to take her to a medical appt; miss work due to a medical emergency regarding your mom, etc. You also need to be available during the day in case of a medical emergency, due to the fact that you are probably Medical Power of Atty and need to be there.
You should be there anyway. Sorry.
These things are never "planned", but can happen out of the blue. Sounds like you've notified your new boss about the situation, which is good. As mentioned before, you may also want to contact your work's Human Resource Dept. and find out what their policies are regarding FMLA. Some companies allow you to split it up (one week here..another one there); while other policies say you have to take it all at once.
Keeping you in my prayers.
It would certainly require a visit by a Home Health Nurse to set up, but these ER visits have to be costing much more!
I understand your concerns. I have been there and have felt similar pains and worries. I realized that there was a different way to look at that situation...
Spirit colludes with your inner growth and places you in relationships and situations that identify your weak points and thus where you loose energy - places that you are unconscious of and where you need to grow stronger as a human being.
In a similar situation, I recognized that I had weak boundaries with my Mom. I looked back at life and saw that having a choice between her peace of mind and mine, I had always chosen hers. I realized that I unconsciously allowed her to make my life decisions...not because she was stronger or demanded it. No. Just the opposite. Because she was nice and sweet, and overall had been a good mother. One who had made the sacrifices for her family.
When I could no longer care for her, I had to draw a very realistic line between my life and hers. It was, and at times still is, not easy. I had to learn to create limits and weigh in the same scale what was beneficial for me with what harmed me. I have to do this with each choice regarding giving my energy to my life or her life.
At one point, we all have to learn the difficult lesson of boundaries - our limitations - to choose between honoring, respecting and loving ourselves, and what we do out of obligation, responsibility or guilt.
Our parents deserve our love, not our guilt. And we deserve to choose a life not yet lived. We do not have the right to sacrifice our life to always support one which they have already lived.
I remember what a very wise being told me: Your life's mission is to honor, love and respect your heart. To honor your spirit an soul.
Do act from a balanced place where you do not sacrifice who you are for anyone else.
All the best!
PS: It's important to look at the big picture. A situation like yours is a turning point and you have to treat it that way. You cannot help her if you dissipate your connection to your soul, your energy and your light. You must be strong in caring for yourself as well as her, or she will have no one. Crutch time is over. Choose your heart.
You are not Superwoman or Wonderwoman. Only you can set the parameters you can follow. Delegate delegate delegate.
And pray.
And not everything is urgent.
I think the hardest part is getting a grasp on everything that has to be done, prioritizing it, especially the conflicting priorities, and allocate down time to handle the issues. Sounds easy, but it's not necessarily so. Different issues require different mind sets, and in caregiving it's not as easy to switch as it is with business.
I can still remember shopping center configurations and specific easements from projects worked on over 25 years ago, but sometimes I can't remember my caregiving priorities from one day to the next.
And everything's more complicated when the issues that aren't objective or solvable, such as anxiety over a parent's health, are factored in and become paramount.
If you can afford it, I would recommend finding and hiring a good geriatric care manager to assist you. (They now call themselves "aging life care professionals.") That person should be able to oversee a lot of the administrative and logistic issues. Usually, they are familiar with options for outpatient palliative care as well.
You will still need to make decisions. Also, if your mom is sick and going downhill, you will probably want to spend some quality time with her. But hiring a good person to assist you should free up some of your time and energy, which you can then put either to spending time w your mom or towards your work.
Another option to consider, if your mom is going through an especially bad patch, is to take some time off work while you sort things out regarding your mom's health. I find that sometimes family caregivers are stuck in the weeds, buried under a million details and obligations. This makes it hard to 1) step back, figure out the big picture of your older parent's health and situation, and figure out an overall game plan, and 2) set up some support structures, to allow you to manage the situation more sustainably.
Good luck!
Having UTI's are very painful. You said that your Mother has an aide. Is your Mother's aide Licensed to take care of IV's? Not administer them, but take care of them and make sure the patient isn't pulling at them. If so, maybe your Mother's Insurance or Doctor could get a Registered Nurse to come out and get an IV started with antibiotic's in it to make your Mother feel better. To me, fielding calls from Doctors, Nurses, and everybody else you named might be more harm than good at the end of the day. In my experience, when I took care of my Moma before she passed, I always answered calls. I made a lot of calls too. My Moma was at home also, but I was Blessed enough that I didn't have to work. I told my husband that I was going to have to take care of my Moma and he said Of course. So I moved in with her. I wouldn't trade that last year with her for anything on this earth. She had Alzheimer's and that last year, we laughed, danced and sang to Anne Murray's Inspirational hits whom both of us loved. But when we danced, she kept telling me that I was trying to lead. :) We didn't have many days like that, but I still cherished everyday that I had with her, even the day that she passed, while I was holding her hand talking to her. Love your Mother, Pray for your Mother and ask God to help you get through these stressful days. A lot of times, people forget to Pray when they're going through hard, stressful times. You would be surprised at how much better you would feel if you would give your stress to God and ask Him to help you through all of this. That's what He's there for, to love, help and protect all of us. One more thing that might help your peace of mind, get a Security System and have it linked to your smart phone so you can watch what's going on while you're at work. That will give you a lot of relaxation while at work. That way, you'll be able to keep your mind on your job better because you can check in on your Mother any time you want to. And don't tell your aide or anyone else that you're having the Security Cameras put in because it's nobody's business.
I wish you all the Blessing in the world and you and your Mother will be in my Prayers.
Digital Banker, my mother has 24/7 homecare. She has excellent aides. She gets PT, wound care (for bedsores) and doctor visits in her home, which is pretty much all anyone could ask for.
Still, I'm in charge and have to stay on top of everything.
Marilyn, where did you hear of these bladder irrigations?? I can't imagine her dr would know what those are.
I have 2 siblings, but they do not or not able to spend time with her. Talking from MY personal grief in this situation, I can tell you that the more you and she can talk on a "real time basis" about your lives and say with love whats important, not the things that don't make a bit of difference. I gues I may not make any sense. So hard to write what my heart want to say.....Would you like to talk more and us get more detailed? If so let me know.
Last, but definitely not least, your job. There is no getting around it. If you are an only child, and the weight of all of this is on your shoulders, it is going to be very stressful. You are worried, you love your mom, and you are not a medical doctor, so some of this feels like a foreign language. This approach helped me with my job: Think of your time at work as an oasis where you can be free from worry about your mom. Make a list of calls you will need to make during your lunch break, so you don't stress about that. But, just savor the freedom to concentrate on your work when you are working. If your mom is warm and loving, she would want professional success for you and want you to do this. You will have time--and it may not feel like enough time--to take care of her outside of normal working hours.
One last thing, see if HR can sign you up for Family Leave. That way if you unexpectedly have to come in late, leave early, or leave for a couple of hours during the day, It will be through Family Leave, and the company can't legally penalize you for this.
I hope some of this helps, and I think you are wonderful to be taking such good care of your mom.