Since my mother started living with us back in December I have lost my independence. I feel like a teenager with a curfew. I get the third degree when I go out to see a friend and she always asks how long I'll be. My husband has now started yelling at her when this happens. I hate conflict so I just walk out out of the house. Eventually I have to return and it's always awkward.
in anticipation of her Dr app next month, start keeping a notebook of her behaviors that you find odd. Thanks for updating!
I have to tell you that looking back, this anxiety about where people were and when they were coming home was the very first symptom of my mom's cognitive decline. It's not about memory loss, it's about loss of reasoning skills. A good geriatric neurologist snd/or psychiatrist would be useful at this point.
You don't have to give her details, no matter how insistent she is. What is she going to do, ground you? :)
You don't need to get into a power struggle. You win, hands down. You do not need to be rude or snide or say "None of your business." Just don't tell her more about your comings and goings than you care to. You are in charge.
Power struggles aside, can you think about why Mom may be acting this way? For one thing I imagine it is very hard to lose one's independence and even worse to become dependent on one you were formerly in charge of. Are there areas of her life where she still is in control? Can you emphasize those? Can you put her in charge of something? Planning weekend menus? Holiday decorating? SOMETHING that you willingly give over to her decisions?
Is she afraid to be alone in the house? Does she have some abandonment issues deep in her past?
If you discover some reasons for her behavior you may be able to make things easier. If this is just retro-habit mothering, resist it.
I think it would be better for Husband to step aside on this one. You are trying to demonstrate that you are all grown up now -- you can fight your own battles. (Although I do admire a husband who sticks up for his wife! If this were his mother I'd say let him handle it.)
You don't have to declare that you won't tolerate being treated like a teenager. Just don't tolerate it. You haven't lost your independence unless you give it up. Don't!
Were there and are there not alternatives to this arrangement?
Did your husband agree to this?
Has your mother always been this disrespectful of you as her adult daughter?
What assets does your mother have to contribute to her own care?
Do you have siblings who can weigh in on this.
First of all, I want to ask has she been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's because she could be so demented in her brain that she thinks that you are a little girl again. You may want to get her to the doctor soon to have her evaluated. Do you have medical and durable POA for her?
However, it that is not the case, then somehow, you and your husband are going to have to put up a united front of boundaries for her of what is and what is not allowed in your hose and politely tell her that she is a guest in your house and in your house she must live by your rules one of which is that you will not tolerate being treated like a teenager and the other is that your marriage is primary and not her. If you and your husband do not stand together in this it could end up hurting your marriage if it hasn't already. Sad to say, but this site is full of stories like your where people move in with parents or the parents move in with them.
How small of a house are ya'll in?