Hi All,
Last week I was assigned guardianship and conservatorship for my mom who has moderate to severe dementia. A room at a beautiful and lively AL facility is available on 10/5. She has visited there with me twice, and has said she likes the community. Unfortunately, as soon as 24 hours has passed since the visit, she is adamant that she will not move, threatening to disown me and behave like "an *sshole" to staff if I move her there. The move is happening no matter what, but I need a strategy to make it happen. To ensure the best and most comfortable transition, I would like to have her apartment set up with her furnishings, dishes etc. for her arrival. How on earth do I do this to cause the least amount of agony for her and for me? I am solo on this endeavor as we have no family in the area. Frankly, I am concerned about physically getting her out of the house when the day arrives. To complicate things my drug addicted brother is actively working against me on this because he knows it's the end of the gravy train. I realize I probably just have to suck up whatever abuse she wants to send my way, but I would appreciate any advice from those who have already walked this path. Thanks in advance.
It wasn’t easy, as I was alone with her this way for two weeks, but I learned a lot and spent some truly valuable time deepening our relationship and understanding her better.
In the meantime I had her favorite possessions picked out to move to her new “home” and set up for our arrival.
What a difference it made for her to walk
into her new space surrounded by all the
things she loved! I was amazed at the smooth transition, all the while having to
make up stories to address her questions.
Of course, it took weeks of basically full time being with her making her days fun, watching BBC animal content,
comedians, etc.
After a while she was making her own reality stories about her new home and how long she had been there, etc.
I understand about your brother as I had to be clear and strong about the gravy train being over, too. Sad to say a sibling could be so selfish. Just plow ahead with what you know is best and thereby never suffer from not having done the right thing.
Best of luck!!!
Make the move as quickly as possible after the decision has been made and space procured. Prolonging the move process and trying to convince her to go willingly will not help anything. The day of the move have everything you plan to take clearly marked and have the movers come. You need to have someone take your mother out to lunch, a manicure, shopping, something that lasts a few hours, to give you time to get the furniture and stuff moved and set up into the new apartment. She will leave her current home and be returned to her new apartment. It will not be easy and it will not be finished but have familiar things out and pictures on the wall. That makes it seem more homey and permanent.
She will cry and rant and rave. Ignore it. Do not engage with her behavior. The Assisted Living staff has seen it all. And just like a toddler - she'll eventually stop if no one engages.
If she owns her home sell it immediately! Do not allow anyone to think that she will ever move back to the house. If your brother lives there you may need some legal help to get him out but DO IT.
Do what you and the Assisted Living staff think is best when it comes to visits the first week or so. I found that very short visits to do a bit of work in the apartment each day were fine. My dad would complain and I would work. Eventually he stopped complaining every minute I was there.
I, too, was alone with this but didn't have a useless brother to contend with. Just accept she will be mad at you and sometimes you'll think you made the wrong decision. YOU DIDN'T. You are doing your very best for her and sometimes that is really hard.
Tough situation to be in, but you now have all the power to protect her. Use it as needed.
Good luck with the move, I would use what barb recommended. Stops a whole lot of headaches for you.
We have realized over the passage of time that something negative has happened, and is continuing to happen, to the thinking and reacting and interpreting and managing ability of someone we love, cherish, admire.
We know that for all intents and purposes, SOMETHING must be done to keep them safe, comfortable, and relieved of decision making.
We know that they themselves are past the point of making a life change based on their own choices.
Yet, when faced with the moment, out of the love and concern we feel for them, we falter. We question ourselves and we question them and we question whether there might not be some better way. But there isn’t.
Our situation had been made simpler by the fact that the home in which she’d been born, and loved, was a veritable snake pit of fall risks, with absolutely NO WAY to make it safe. I had no choice except to make the choice I made.
I tricked her into thinking she was going for “a week trial”. I grieved that I was telling her a lie, but forced myself.
Her adjustment was rocky, but thanks to a very good therapist, she now receives appropriate mood regulation medication, enjoys our visits, and knows that we love her.
Not by a long shot what I would have wanted for her, but the best of all the lousy choices I had access to.
Hang tough. Do what you know is the very best you can do. Let anyone who would criticize your efforts walk in her shoes (OR YOURS) for a day, then ignore what they say.
There are some things that cannot be made "happy" at this stage in life. And think back over your Mom's long life. When was it perfect happiness. There are tough times in our lives and end of life is one of the toughest. Just reassure here that you are there to do the best you can for her. But that it is decidely in her best interests, because if YOU cannot do it, then a Court Appointee Guardian will do it, and she will have nothing whatsoever to say about it, nor will you.
So it is good cop/bad cop
and you are BOTH.
Good luck. Let us know if anything helps because others face the same sort of thing. Remember. Not everything is happy; not everything can be helped; this is no ones "fault".
I haven't yet walked the path, but I can see the signs ahead. So far my bro has entered assisted living on his own and he knows, while he isn't happy about it, it is best and safest. But some of his faculties are slipping, and paranoia occ. rears it's ugly head. And there will be some times that will not be happy, for sure.
If you have a parent who is cooperative, accepting of the idea that you are doing your best to do the right thing for her, and who "rolls with the punches" ( my mom was generally all of those things) then you have more latitude in settling her in.
If your parent is in the later stages of dementia, inflexible, has mental health issues in addition to dementia, and you have other family issues in play like a thieving sibling, you may need to adjust your game plan and be guided by folks who have been down this road before, such as the SW at the facility.
You have guardianship, she can’t refuse but divert and fib if you have to to get her there.
Maybe figure out some some way to occupy brother. Don’t let him know when you’re moving her and put out an APB on him with nursing home staff. Do not allow him access.
When I finally got my mom and dad into assisted living I told them it was temporary “Until mom gets better”. That worked for a few days.
And I would wait till they were having meals in the dining room then go like crazy moving stuff into their room and fixing up the place.
It was still the toughest few days of my life but the relief of getting those two into care was indescribable. Immediate stress relief.
Second, tell her the doctor has ordered her to have therapy there and, hopefully (white lie) it won't be for long.
Ask her to go around her house now and show you the things she wants to take. Take her somewhere for the day while her belongings are being transferred to the new facility.
Visit frequently the first few days and help her get the routine down (Yes, I know what others say about not visiting for a week. As mentioned above, maybe get advice from the AL?)
I bought mom a big landline phone that I could program numbers in and actually has people's photos by their number. Made it easier for her to call people. She rarely did though. (You can also do this with a cellphone).
Send notices to her friends and other relatives asking them to visit her occasionally.
Brother is SOL at this point. Make sure mom doesn't still have money he can access (in her room). Let him know he WILL be prosecuted if he tries any more shenanigans with mom. (My younger brother went out and bought new cell phones for everyone in his family and charged them to her ATT acct. )
My mom loved her retirement (AL) facility and thrived there.
My 92 y/o mother moved from the AL portion to the Memory Care portion of the community in May, after living in AL for 5 years. She hates it in MC and wants to go back to AL, which is not possible for obvious reasons. She wasn't able to handle life in AL for about 9 months BEFORE she got sick and went to the hospital and rehab, etc, but of course, she doesn't 'remember' that at all. In her mind, she was fine and 'they' were making up lies about her.
MC had a picnic this past Saturday. My mother sat there talking all about the new resident, POOR SOUL, who just moved in who's family 'tricked' her into MC by telling her they were taking her out to lunch and BAM, moved her into the community. Tsk tsk, isn't that HORRIBLE? She's doing fine, by the way, just complaining to everyone who will listen. I mentioned to my mother that it's not so easy for ANYONE in a situation with a parent with ADVANCED OLD AGE. Who wins? Nobody wins, that's who. We lose, because we're the Bad Guys for putting mom in a FACILITY to keep them SAFE, OH MY GOD. They lose, because their lives are Taken Away, never mind that they had no life to begin with that was safe or not ruining their children's life. Sigh. The whole damn thing is a mess for ALL of us, and I feel your pain. I hope and pray this move goes off with as little anguish as possible, for all concerned.
Rest assured she WILL adjust. Rest assured she WILL complain but she WILL be fine. Rest assured the food will SUCK in the community and she will mention it every chance she gets.
Don't visit too much at first. Allow her to adjust and to get settled in, which she WILL do. Best of luck!
Is she even able to be in AL? If you have guardianship, that kind of implies to me that she might be past that point?
Are you thinking of taking things from her current home to AL? That could prove difficult but if you want to do it, just do it and as you say you will have to deal with her wrath.
Will she remember and/or understand if you explain this to her? If so, sit down and tell her what's up, at the last minute, and just say, nicely, it is decided and she IS going.
How tricky do you need to get? IDK. Do you tell her you're going out to lunch and do so and after go to the AL?
Since you have no one to help, maybe you need to hire someone to help move her things.
I do not envy your journey here. I imagine it will be hectic, for both of you, but it must be done.
Talk to her doctor about calming meds to be given or increased the day of transport.
Call the Sheriff's department and ask for Civil Standby for the day you move her.
Have your official copy of guardianship papers on hand.
Hire help (with mom's money) to move her stuff and do set up.
Do not talk with her (or your brother) about the move beforehand. You will just upset mom and alert your brother.
Talk with the administration and SW at the facility about whether it would be better for you to stay away while she adjusts.