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Is this part of Alzheimer’s/dementia? My dad will make a comment, someone will respond-maybe agreeing, maybe not, but always pleasant/normal conversation. Dad rolls his eyes, throws up his hands angrily and says things like “I’m sorry”, “guess I should never say anything”, “I should just leave.” Sometimes he angrily stomps away for a few minutes. When I called him out on it, he said whenever he says anything, people are snarky to him. This is totally untrue, so it seems like he’s perceiving a criticism/negative reaction when there isn’t one. Mom mostly ignores these outbursts, and so do the rest of us, but they are wearing. Just recently, a couple people outside the family have mentioned his “fighting” and that he’s “mean” to my mom, and this is what they’re referring to.
Is this common, or unique to him? It really is not his normal personality, and is definitely worse when he’s tired or frustrated. Anyone have suggestions on how to handle it, or how to make him stop? I’m not sure he’s really aware he’s doing it at all, and am sure he’s not aware of the frequency.
Thanks in advance!

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I would stand firm when he acts out and literally tell him off. He might not understand it or start rebelling more - but it will relieve you of the anger and frustration which is harming YOU. Then walk away and leave him sputter to the wind. Dementia and age are here.
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Dosmo13 my Mom did that too, in doctors waiting room, everytime a girl or woman walked by who was very over weight she would say " She needs to stop eating or go on a diet she is too fat." I got used to it but my daughter was with us and said she would never go anywhere with her nana again. I had some dementia cards made up that explained what she had and I would pull the person aside and tell them I am sorry for her actions.
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Wow, this really rings a bell. My Dad has advanced Parkinson’s and fights us all the way. We (his family) are just trying to manage his risk, because left to his own devices he tries to do things he can’t and falls three or four times a day. When we suggest he uses a stick, or a walker, or even take a bit of a rest, he blows up at us. Furthermore, he’s told my Mum that she’s not allowed to tell us about his falls. If she does talk to us to unburden herself, he’s often trying to listen in. I think he may be becoming slightly abusive towards her.
I wonder if it’s dementia.
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There are times I come here and read something and have that light bulb moment. This is one of those posts.

Several times a day I will hear, "There you go, fighting with me again." And I sit there wondering how I am fighting with him. It can be as simple as him reading the weather forecast calling for rain and me saying that right now the sun is shining and boom, I'm "fighting" with him. It is good to know I'm not alone. He's even had entire conversations where I have not said a word, just listened to him, and he says I'm fighting with him.

Thank you everyone for your answers and insight.
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Your dad may be having problems interpreting nonverbal communication or verbal communication. This may be part of his disease process or even the result of a small stroke. Let his doctor know about your observations.

Your dad may also be anxious. Conversations may not make sense to him. Other parts of his daily life may be more confusing as well. "Acting out" physically or verbally usually is a sign of intense anxiety and frustration. His doctor could prescribe a mild anti-anxiety medication to see if it helps to calm him down a bit.
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Skmcconn Aug 2021
He’s on anxiety meds already, but may be time to up the dose or reevaluate.
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I have my father on anxiety medication. It really helps. He acted the same way.
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Missingme Aug 2021
Could you tell me what kind of anti anxiety meds your dad is on? My husband is getting too abusive verbally and mentally with me and I am taking him this week to a new physicritist but I really can't handle the hateful looks, and things he says to me. None of his kids or family will help as he was always mean and stubborn to all. I am tired of being told to shutup outside if I dare go into the back yard which he has totally ruined by digging it up. Calls me a slut, says I cheated on him (I have never) but his first wife did do alot of the things he accuses me of. He has already been put in a behavioral unit twice, they say it Lewy body with servere mental psychos and hallucinations, depression and dementia.
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Skmcconn: Imho, you may not be able to change how he processes conversation, but you could get him to an audiologist for a hearing evaluation.
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Dosmo13 Aug 2021
Good point about the hearing eval. If he is feeling uncertain and/or worried about anything and hears incorrectly, he may assume the worst.

I had an opposite problem with my father, who would not get hearing aids, assuming others could not hear what he was saying about them. In the doctors waiting room, he would make comments to me, quite loudly, about other patients waiting there. I would try to hush him. He's say, "oh, they can't hear me!" No? Everyone could hear! One time it was, "if I ever get like that, just shoot me!" It was SO embarrassing, I wanted to hide!
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Oh my word. My father does the same thing! He's a narcissist thinking he's never wrong or never could be wrong. It's as if the feels we are being disrespectful of him.
My father is very snarky to my mother and to others and never apologizes or even recognizes it. I think old men just get weird as they age. Oh! And he's so hard of hearing he thinks he hears insults and untrue statements! ( Hie hearing aids so not work well enough )..He also has some level of dementia but not too bad... He's 91 this fall and just tired of living with chronic pain, won't take any help, is completely resistive to ANY AND ALL help.
God bless you as you try to have patience. I will be thinking of you as I also need extra patience.
Hugs
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Skmcconn Aug 2021
This is very out of character for my dad.
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Alzheimer’s and dementia is different for everyone. One thing is for sure is that a family can expect some or many behavioral and/or personality changes from the person with the disease. When these changes arise the family members still see their Loved One as the person they were before they got sick. Therefore the family reacts as if the situation can be corrected or resolved in some way; only it cannot be. I know that these situations can be very upsetting to the family, but it is best to ride it out because no sooner as one behavior or personality change has receded or stopped, a new one will begin.
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Well, you certainly cannot "know what sets him off and try to avoid them" since you say it's everyday conversation that sets him off. Such a statement suggests it's 'your fault' dad is acting this way, that it's something you're doing wrong that's creating the behavior, which is 100% false. This behavior is typical with dementia for some who suffer b/c they become very agitated and aren't even aware of WHAT is setting them off, just that they're agitated. So the person closest to them bears the brunt of their angst, unfortunately, as most of us who deal with dementia loved ones know all too well.

~Try to redirect dad when he gets in one of his lashing-out moods.
~Contact his doctor to chat about this new behavior to see if there's a medication that can be prescribed to address his agitation. Nobody, including dad, benefits from such a state of mind.
~Leave the room when dad goes off on a tirade.
~Go for a walk or on an outing for a change of scenery. Physical activity has additional benefits on mood, memory, and lowering anxiety.
~Add massage and touch therapy, or just provide a calming hand massage.
~Incorporate music into your loved one’s daily routine.

Here is a helpful link on the topic of agitation & restlessness:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/symptoms/restlessness

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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You deffiently can't make him stop.

But you can choose how to handle it.

You can let him know as you would a child that it isn't nice.

You can walk away for a few minutes until things calm down.

You can choose to ignore it altogether.

By mow, you should know what sets him off and try to avoid them
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My husband sometimes does that. He is healthy, and does not have any form of dementia. What he does have is depression and anxiety. When it is beginning to get out of control, he begins to perceive most interactions as negative. I think of it as an incorrect perception of reality due to the psychological disorder. Fortunately, he can recognize his issues and get to the doctor, and the medications he is prescribed help him return to his normal self.
My husband doesn't usually recognize the mood changes, but he does know that when his mind begins to get on a kind of a worry-treadmill that he cannot get off, it's time to get professional help.
Depression and anxiety can also cause problems concentrating that can look like dementia. Anti-anxiety medicine helps with that too.
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Perception is individual and can’t be rationalized. A person’s take on things is what it is. Based on his reaction to conversation he must hear fairly well even without hearing aids. My mother (just shy of 96) won’t wear her H/A. She has excuses: they hurt her ears (not true), she isn’t interested in the conversation around her, etc. Yet she expects me to write everything down so we can communicate! As we know the brain shrinks as we get older. These actions are irrational and unexplainable.
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Skmcconn Aug 2021
As a hearing aid wearer, it might not be the fit that hurts so much as the volume. They take getting used to & I totally understand why people give up on them quickly. Things that you never noticed - turning the pages of a newspaper for example - are so loud! It takes a few weeks for your brain to figure out what sounds are important to listen to. Good luck!
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It is not that he is being sensitive or criticized but with dementia you probably have the thought in the back of your mind at all times....
Am I doing this right? Am I correct in what I say, or do?
So his reaction is probably of fear that he is saying something wrong.
And you are right that the frustration and being tired is a part of it.
Pinpoint the time of day when this happens and try to keep that time a quiet time for him. Cut back on visitors. Keep appointments prior to that time.
And most important if he begins to get upset and throws his hands up if you can't diffuse him right away then...don't say anything. Walk out of the room if possible. Don't feed the anger. let him calm down.
You can talk to his doctor (mom can) and discuss the outbursts and if he is not on anything for anxiety it might help.
PLEASE keep an eye on mom. If his outbursts become more than verbal you have to protect her. That might mean placing dad in Memory Care. Mom may be hesitant to tell anyone if his outburst become more than verbal so watch her and take care of her.
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My dad is 92 and neurologically sound (no dementia) but his go to emotion is anger. He, also, feels he is always being put down if you don't agree with him...but he has been this way for a loooong time. He is very hard of hearing and has lost his hearing aids and will not replace them because of his age and the cost of the aids....yes he can afford them. I'm thinking he's basically not a happy person, doesn't hear or comprehend what we say and so his internal dialogue is to interpret it as a negative comment and then he lashes out. It's not much fun! I have heard him talking to himself and he berates himself over the smallest of things. It can't be much fun inside his head! Good Luck!
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Interesting one.

It isn't until things start going wrong with ordinary, everyday processes - dressing, washing, standing up, recognising people, or in this case communication - that you come to realise how incredibly complex they are. We beetle along in our lives, taking it all in our stride, and never ever notice just how many and varied are the tasks that our brains our handling without our being aware of it.

What is going wrong here is communication. Your father has an internal thought. He expresses it. He gets a response. He processes it. He is offended by it. He reacts angrily and, alas, inappropriately (though it could be worse!). Leaving everybody thinking "what the heck - ?"

So the link in the chain of this particular process that is broken appears to be his processing of the response to his expressed thought. Is it...

Physical? - how's his hearing?
Psychological? - is he anticipating, creating and hearing a negative response (that nobody else has even whispered) and responding to that internal critic?
Neurological? - is he misinterpreting and distorting what is said to him because his language processes are all snarled up?

Could be any or all, or lots of other factors. Communication is an *incredibly* complex skill involving many different brain functions. If one goes wrong, it all goes wrong.

Making him stop is not your first goal. The first goal is to understand what he is hearing back, and what about it is offending and triggering him.

What's the typical context for these outbursts? How many people in the room, what sort of subject is he commenting on, that kind of thing?
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Sunshinejello Aug 2021
loved your reply. My mom says after literally just a simple conversation with no criticism "now tell me something you like about me"! or "all you do is criticize", or i won't say anything etc and of course it's to a conversation of really no importance like we could dust today or recover a chair. All she wants is to reaffirm that she is ok . She has been a my way or the highway person her whole life and now there is no changing that she is perfectly perfect and you best agree. It's funny how it pops up with the alzheimer's i think you are right the connection changes in their mind and they don't want to change anything but it comes out messed up .
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Once a person has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, it’s pretty safe to assume that odd, strange, out of character behavior is due to or exacerbated by the Alzheimer’s. However, other health concerns can also increase dementia type symptoms like an infection or Med interactions or delusions or pain which make it a good practice to journal behaviors to watch for a pattern or increase in worrisome behaviors and to discuss these with his care team. Sooner rather than later if they are accompanied by a rapid change in body functions or anger or violence.
You don’t make him stop or try to explain anything to him. That won’t make it better and might upset him in the moment. You can notice if you disengage, he will forget it or distract him with another topic or activity. You’ve already noticed that if he’s tired or frustrated it’s worse. So it might be time to plan visits or interactions with others for a time when he is fresher, mornings or after a nap or small meal. It is difficult for us to remember that they have a condition to consider so especially hard for those who aren’t around as often to know that he is struggling with his broken brain.
It’s a lot easier to suggest you ignore the behavior than it is to do that. Especially when it appears he is being rude or hurtful to your mom or others who are trying to help. My dh aunt can be vicious in her remarks to her bathers. It gets old.
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In some Alzheimer’s and dementia people, something is wrong with the neural pathways from eyes to the cerebral cortex which allows them to process the emotion that they are seeing on another people’s faces. It’s like their brain is holding cards, trying to figure out which group each one should be sorted into, but they’re not getting matched up properly.

Unfortunately, the damage is permanent. Talk to his doctor, but try and be as empathetic as you can. He’s literally seeing something you aren’t.
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I just had lunch with a friend that lives with another lady. The lady has Dementia and the one thing my friend says is "she is always angry". If friend suggests something, the lady flies off the handle.

Its really hard trying to explain Dementia. It has no ryhmn or reason. The one thing you do is not argue with a person who has Dementia. Just agree and smile. Don't try to correct them. Just go along with them.
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Sunshinejello Aug 2021
it's sooo hard to do but you are correct just nod your head and agree .
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I agree with what Geaton posted.

I have found that sometimes folks with cognitive decline/dementia are not understanding the meaning of what is being said (or what they watch on TV).

Yes, report this to his doctor.
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Your post says he has dementia/ALZ... has he been tested by his doctor and has a diagnosis in his medical records? Dementia behaviors can vary by person, but it's very possible this is related to cognitive decline. It could also be a manifestation of anxiety, which maybe should be brought up to his doctor. If he gets much angrier there are meds that can help with this, as well as family educating themselves about dementia and learning better ways to engage those with it. Teepa Snow, a dementia expert, has some very informative videos on YouTube and I learned a lot through watching them.
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