My mom had a biopsy in the hospital where she was being treated for something else. She was released and then went into a rehab facility to get better to go home. Her results just came back and a family member ( medical proxy for my mom ) was told the results that she has cancer. My mom does not know yet, She has so many other health issues to deal with currently, heart disease, diabetes and kidney disease. Because of her age and history, she is not a candidate for surgery or chemotherapy. Should my mom be told she has cancer at this point in her life? The family thinks she would be devastated if she found out about the cancer. Not sure what to do. Any advise would be helpful.
Some doctors won't even take no for an answer. Our relative's doctor went to his hospital room after visiting hours and had him sign off on a procedure that the doctor was explicitly told by the patient's medical POA that he was not permitted to do. He was clearly impaired, yet the doctor forged on ahead. It was like the hospital was trying to squeeze the last penny out of Medicare before he was transferred to hospice.
The ALF is helpful - but I am there all of the time and with the dementia - it is a challenge every day. I don't know why the doctors continue to suggest all the tests since they also say they would be unable to treat her. I think the idea of simple answers are the best and I like the idea of saying that we want to see how you are getting along before we make any decisions. It is heartbreaking to watch my mom who was a smart, funny and a fun loving person become a person that doesn't remember how to undress herself and is becoming more frail every day. I am trying to prepare myself for what is ahead but can't imagine how to do so. I am just taking one day at a time.
So my bottom line is don't tell unless you have to as it will be a needless worry
I wouldn't, either, subject a lady of your mother's age to an endoscopy unless there was a realistic chance of finding something readily treatable. I'm surprised her doctors didn't come to that conclusion sooner - did the tests serve any useful purpose, in the end?
If your parents ask, then give them exact, simple answers that you judge will make sense to them. Such as "we don't want you to go through the tests. We will have to wait and see how you get on. We can do a lot to make sure you're comfortable." And if they ask specifically if your mother has cancer, you can truthfully tell them that you don't know, and that the tests would be too dangerous for her.
Also, don't forget to look after yourself. Don't forget that when you're focusing so hard on what to tell your parents you still need time to yourself to think about the information you're being given, and what you can do to prepare yourself and your parents in case your mother becomes gravely ill. I'm sorry for all you're going through.
failure. She weighs 90 pounds and is very frail. The previous specialist felt that she was not a good candidate for any treatment and told her to go and lead her life. When I talked to her doctor, he said that she did not mention the specialist and said she had no knowledge of any issues with her liver. When we went through this a couple of years ago, we did all kinds of test and each one made her more ill. Her life became a series of blood tests, endoscopic tests and recovering from all of the tests. Once treatment was not possible, we stopped with all of the tests. Their current doctor says that I will have to make the decisions -his opinion they are incapable of making these type of decisions.
I don't want to start all of the tests again when there is very little hope of treatment. I have been thinking this through for about 2 weeks. Do I tell my parents who both have dementia and get things very confused? Do I start with all of the testing and doctors' appointments and make her life miserable without treatment options? Do I keep quiet and let them lead their lives without the worry and the stress of the outcome of the disease? I would agree that my parents know a lot about pain and sorrow. I believe that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger - but there are actually some things that can shorten our lives and not make us stronger. The worry and stress on top of the illness can be two of the things that can shorten lives especially when the people are 87 and 90 and very ill and confused.
She is now 92, living alone and doing well. I thank god every day for this and she has said that it was better that she was involved in all decisions.
As I am her main caretaker I see her 4 times a week and every time we are together we celebrate.
I count my blessings every day and hope that if I am diagnosed that someone will tell me.
Cancer comes with pain relief. CHF ends in slow drowning. Which would bother her more, do you think?
I think we forget that older people who remain in possession of their faculties are also likely to be acutely aware of their mortality. Denying the reality of it means that they cannot be open with you about their thoughts, fears and wishes.
Grace it was brave of you to share the news about your own cancer with your mother, but given that she was going to know that something was wrong you did the right thing in telling her the truth - better than her imagining and being too frightened to ask. It must have been very hard on her: can any of us think of anything worse than our child being in danger? But still the right thing to do.
We cannot hope to protect our elders from the pain and sorrow and trouble of this world: they know more about these things than we do, having experienced more. They will, God willing, be free of them in the next world. Meanwhile, please don't treat them as if they are children or idiots.
To borrow from the doctor's creed...Do No Harm. It won't harm her to keep silent about the cancer...but IMO it could harm her if you tell her.
That said, in this country the convention is to respect people's autonomy. Her doctors should tell her unless her care is already mainly being managed by someone else.
If you think the information would really distress her without benefit, a few things you can do:
- have doctor ask her if she prefers for important information to be shared w family, and if ok for family to tell her what's most important. Many older people are ok w this, esp if they are from certain cultural backgrounds.
- Try to ask her: if you had a really serious diagnosis but there wasn't any surgery or chemo that would cure it, would you want to know? And then tell her doctor what she said.
Not that this is a reason to inform but it seems that somehow she may find out along the road by someone who thinks she has a right to know or because the teller does not realize she is not already informed. I don't know the patient or the mental status & how the info will be processed by them but I would not want to think she will find out & then lose trust in you for not letting her know. If I were that sick & you were my lifeline & that incident occured it would shake my lifeline which is all I had to hang onto.
Again if she has said I don't want to know anything else that is wrong with me then that is different or if dementia means she would sink into depression again that is different but I would want to know if it were me & I think there must be ways to tell them that lessen the impact.
My father was in the hospital for minor elective surgery and while there a chest xray revealed lung cancer. The specialist told the family that it was located where it could not be radiated and there was really nothing to be done. He advised us to place him in a nursing home or take him home to die. We were all shocked. We did not tell Dad of this diagnosis. What would have been the point? His geriatrician joked with him and never let on he had a fatal condition. Dad died three days later, without ever being released from the hospital. Of course, he would have died whether he was told or not. I liked his geriatrician's upbeat approach, which probably prevented Dad's last days from being filled with only anxiety.
In fact - kids, if you're eavesdropping: do that and I will HAUNT you.
Mother's primary coping device all of her adult life has been denial. Why should we insist she give that up now?
I don't agree that one of the factors in the decision is what you would want. This isn't about you. There is no doubt in my mind that I would want to know if I were in my mother's situation. But that is no justification for trying to force my preferences on my mother. I know her, as do her other 6 kids. To the extent that we have any say in the matter, we should consider HER wishes, not what we would want for ourselves.
Now that mother has dementia there is even less reason to tell her if she were discovered to have cancer. But in her case, it wouldn't have been appropriate to tell her even before her cognitive decline.
There has been lots of good input on this topic, We each come at it from a different perspective and different experiences. That makes for good discussion.
just another thought