He passed away on July 26th. I now not only grieve his loss, but now live with the guilt of not doing more to help him. The last year and a half he refused going to his doctor visits and he became very reclusive. He wanted to be left alone and I let him be. I have read recently in a book about dying that this could have been the beginning stage of the dying process. I have much to celebrate about his life and our four children and 7 grandchildren, but I agonize over what more I could have done and sometimes been upset with him about his constant demands. Reaching out once again to those who have experienced the same.
Sometimes honoring someone else wishes can be hard especially when what they want for themselves is different from what you want for them. Individuals has a right to make their own decisions even if others think that the decisions they are making are poor decisions.
Although, your husband had vascular dementia that does not automatically mean that he was not capable of making decisions for himself. Individuals with early to mid stage dementia can often times express their wishes and when they do family should honor their decision.
I applaud you for allowing your husband to take charge of his own choices. I wish you well.
Every time we make a decision it's under parameters that we tend to re-write in hindsight. It's the smallest of details that we omit. Were we healthy, perhaps we had a brewing unknown sickness ourselves, when we decided to do or not do something..... It's impossible to truly know, you did what you thought was best at the time decisions were made.💐💐 You will never be the same, and that's okay, "It's Ok that You're Not Ok" 😔It's okay, that we're not okay when loved ones die, even as society insists that we must be okay 🦋 when everything drastically changes. 😔🥺
I think the same thing you do.......what more can I do to help her?
It will never be enough because we have no control over it. You did the best you could and be happy with it.
God is in control and he knows who you are.
Love yourself, hug yourself and remember only the good times you spent together.💖💖💖
I think of her a lot. some memories bring on the tears and I apolagise to her frequently.
Recently I have thought of the better times we had together from years ago. Those thoughts make me proud that I married her.
I have started sort of a scrap book of her. It is more than pictures. I have her certificates and accomplishments in it. I even put a picture of her on computer screen saver.
It helps if you have someone to talk to and share those memories with.
It will be difficult to talk and not say "WE' did this or that. So be it. After fifty years you cannot and should not try to remove that person from your conversations.
Cherise the memories and thank God for bringing the two of you together.
God bless you for all that you have done.
Love,
Llamalover47
I feel she still has some time left, even though she’s been on hospice for 4 months. If I knew she was really slowing down, I would try to keep her home. But she is still too mentally active in this world and I’m not feeling like she will be leaving anytime soon. I need a break and I have to think of myself without guilt.
I am sorry for your loss...maybe grief counseling would help. You are not alone.
Hugs.
One of the best things to do is talk to someone. I am available if you want to chat. I think sharing stories is so helpful!
Hope to talk soon!
Dawn
1. Create, actually write down 1, 2, 3 a list of what you DID DO that was helpful to your husband and everything you did with loving intentions. Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list.
WHAT THIS DOES: It helps you counter-balance the guilt or feelings of not doing enough. It is a way to re-program your brain to support you, now.
2. When you react or think of something and feel guilty, IMMEDIATELY refer to this list (or shift your thought(s) to the positive. This is an intentional exercise in changing your mind in the moment. The more you can counter-balance the feelings with new thoughts - that support ALL THAT YOU DID -
It is important too -to remember that likely 100% of us who lose a loved one feel regrets, guilt, the 'what I could'a should'a done. This seems to be an 'almost' human reaction to Americans (realizing other cultures deal with death differently). I send you a hug and lots of loving compassion for you. gena
When coping with something like Alzheimers or any disease that will eventually take the person - just to be there and try to help and get them through until the inevitable happens - that is quite an accomplishment. To be able to do everything else live requires on top of that is almost super-human. Thank you God for seeing us through.
It will probably just take time for me.
There are a million things that run through your head, and yes, even the arguments. Rest assured you did all that you could.
What I want to say is in my head and heart but when I write it down it seems flat. That is the only way I can describe it. (I love baking so to compare it is like leaving salt out of a recipe the basics are there but there is no depth)
No matter what you are feeling...
Guilt--because you could not do more
Guilt--because you are relieved that he is no longer in pain or trapped in a body and mind that was no longer his.
Anger--That he left you
Anger--That you are left with all the paperwork to fill out
Fear--That you could have done more
Fear--What are you going to do with what others call a "normal" life.
I could go on and on but all the feelings that you have are the same feelings that we all have experienced.
No matter what I read, no matter what Hospice told me, no matter what I knew in my brain my heart still felt like it was torn from my chest and stomped on the morning the love of my life died.
All I can say is the raw pain will diminish and become a dull ache. The facilitator of one of my support groups gave me this quote and I still have it on my desk.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
It has been 2 years and 99% of the time the days go on as usual but once in a while a song will come on the radio and it will have me crying, I can hear the same song later and it is just a good song. How to explain how it effects me one way one day and the next another I will never know.
All I can offer is enjoy your life, do the things that you want to do. If there is a trip or something special that you both wanted to do and you did not get the chance do it..honor him and think of all the things that he would have loved about what you are doing. I have a friend that will not go on a particular trip because she and her husband had wanted to do it but she will not go because he is not with her. I on the other hand try to do things that I know my Husband would have loved to do. And I think about him when I am doing them. So 2 different ways to deal I think one is healthier than the other...
(((HUGS)))
No matter what you do you will feel guilty. Even if you pressed on to do activities you WILL feel guilty for being very assertive when he wanted to be left alone. And by doing nothing you will feel guilty. So there is no winning the guilt game.
We are human and not Jesus walking on water.
I feel BAD, about his passing, but his earlier lifestyle and family health history all contributed to His passing at 69 years old. I still wouldn't trade the good years we had together.
Like the others on this AgingCare column, I am so sorry for your loss. We all live and die; and it is so much easier to consider life than death. As others have said to you, "Don't beat yourself up." You did everything you could, everything that your husband would let you do.
Now, you have a new challenge that many of us must face. My wife to whom I have been married for 56 years is at the end stage of her life after eight years with Alzheimer's. One never knows how life and dying will happen.
One grief counsellor said to me that, "Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You have to respect that." So don't try to set limits on your grief and decide beforehand how you will grieve. It has been said that "There is no love without pain; but only love can heal that pain which it causes." That's from Father Julio Lancelotti, in the front of Julia Samuel's book, "Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving" (Penguin, 2017). You have to heal your own grief from within and with your friends. Perhaps the stories in that book might help.
With my prayers and hopes for your future