He passed away on July 26th. I now not only grieve his loss, but now live with the guilt of not doing more to help him. The last year and a half he refused going to his doctor visits and he became very reclusive. He wanted to be left alone and I let him be. I have read recently in a book about dying that this could have been the beginning stage of the dying process. I have much to celebrate about his life and our four children and 7 grandchildren, but I agonize over what more I could have done and sometimes been upset with him about his constant demands. Reaching out once again to those who have experienced the same.
I will be a sole-ager and will not be as lucky as you when my LO passes.
Reap God’s Blessings.
Did you make the best of the time and opportunities you had? Yes, some things needed to go by the wayside and not every day went as planned.
Did you love and care for this man to the best of your abilities? Not perfectly, since no one can ever do that.
Are you in a good place to now care for your needs? If not, make the changes you need to heal.
Oh, the guilt - the woulda shoulda couldas! I know this feeling so well.
At some point I realized that feeling guilty was a way for my mind to think that I had more control and power in the situation than I really did. Feeling guilty implied that there was something I could have done to fix the situation; in reality, there was nothing I could do to prevent his death.
With time you will learn to let it go, to acknowledge to yourself everything you did do, and to understand how little you could do to stop the inevitable. That's the hardest, saddest part.
Take it in small doses - try to practice forgiveness toward yourself a little bit every day. Know you did your best in a situation that had no good possible outcome.
Hugs!
Stop beating yourself up. You did what was right. Tell yourself that every time the "what ifs" come into your head. It takes time and give yourself that time. You did exactly what you were suppose to do.
Again, I am sorry!
Hugs!!!
Sorry for your loss.
I think most of us do what we can during the last years and end of life stage, then are subject to the drastic shock of losing someone forever, which starts the self questioning period.
What we may think we should have done as we think back over the last years more than likely wasn't physically possible during our love ones' lives. It's as if a portion of our mind opens up to reveal actions which we in our guilt and sadness think we could have done. In actuality we probably couldn't have accomplished those tasks.
So please try to reach back beyond the last years to remember the good times you shared, what you learned from each other, and how your husband enriched your life, as well as all the things you did to enrich his.
And take plenty of time off when you don't feel like dealing with the estate issues. You'll feel better after some down time, doing something you enjoy but couldn't do while caring for him.
After her death I had the whole menu of emotions, guilt, I should have done this or that, used such and so med.......
Anger at her stubbornness in refusing any help or moving until it was practically too late, all the long drives home dealing with one crisis after another......
But all these months later I’m starting to have the good memories of my mom again, memories of when she was a good mom and capable and kind person.
And I also realize that I did the best for her that I could. I don’t second guess myself anymore.
This is the hard stuff you’re going through. You’ll make it. Most all of us do.