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I am 80. We would ALL rather die than have some things happen, but that isn't our choice. The answer to that is that you are sorry, and you wish things were otherwise, and then to tell the truth of the situation. You need to embrace the fact that not everything can be fixed. Death, yes, is the final fixer in these tragedies of our loss upon loss upon loss until we are gone, kept living when life is intolerable to us. I am so sorry. It just cannot be fixed. I don't believe in therapeutic or lies otherwise. They cause more pain. The fact is that this is the fact now of their lives. As my bro observed in his ALF situation "Hon, it's much like when I was young and in the army. I don't like it but I have no choice and I am making the best of it".
I am so sorry. I wish there was "advice" that can fix this.
You need to limit your calls. This day and age of attachment to a phone isn't a good thing for young nor for old. They should not be allowed to make calls in this manner from their facility. And if they do you need to tell them you will speak with them once in the a.m. and once in the p.m. and if they call while in a bad state you will not be long on the phone. As I said, it doesn't do them any good nor does it help you.
Again, today, I am writing that "not everything can be fixed". That is the truth. I am so very sorry, and my heart goes out to you, but you are going to have to endure this just as THEY are going to have to endure it, and 30 calls daily doesn't make it better for anyone.
There may never be any acceptance. And again, there may be. Dementia is as individual as one's own thumb print, and is very unpredictable. I surely am sorry. Remember, always use the right G word in all this. This is a situation that is full of GRIEF, but you didn't cause it and you can't change it so please do not take on guilt for it.
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WearyJean Mar 2023
Alva - you should write a book about this. Your writing is clear, concise, compassionate and so helpful. You could call it "What's the right G word - Living with Dementia".
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The desire to return to a time and place where you felt capable and in control of your own destiny, is something that is never going to go away. I don't think of therapeutic fibs as something meant to convince them of anything, they are just a rote response that you can easily pull out of your hat before attempting to change the subject or redirect... if they keep looping back it's time to end the conversation/visit.
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Did you place your parents in memory care?

Why were they placed there?

Are the surroundings in their residence clean, pleasant looking?

Do you refer to their residence as being “locked up” when you speak to them about where they’re living?

It took my LO SEVERAL MONTHS to adjust to her surroundings when, for her welfare and safety it was necessary to find the best place we could find, very near me, for her to live out the life that she had to leave, the house where she’d been born almost 90 years before.

I honored the suggestions of her excellent psychiatrist, who prescribed a very mild dose of medication to help her relax far more than she had during her last difficult years at home, and she gradually returned to the snappy, well dressed woman she’d been for her whole life.

I have told my family that if I were to be disabled by a disease as cruel as dementia, I’d be honored for them to choose the residence where My LO lived.

I’ve told them that I’d probably protest, complain, threaten them. That’s what people do, if they lose the ability to use reason and fact to reconcile their life losses. The process is rarely easy for them or those who love them, and often more painful for their caregivers than for residents themselves.

If you are not able to be fully committed to the care your parents are receiving, do you have other viable alternatives to meeting their care needs? Can you care for them yourself?

If not, can you give them the time to adjust to their new lives, and support the fact that there are good things happening where they are living now?

There’s nothing easy about the position you and your parents are in, but if you can all get past these tough days, you may be surprised by how comfortable this can become.

Most of us understand what you’re feeling.
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I have no idea because I was one of the lucky ones, my Mom never asked to go home.

The outings, I would leave that up to the staff to decide. My Mom was in the last stages when she went into an AL that mixed their residents. Because of not being to steady on her feet and using a walker I told the staff not to worry about her. It was usually just shopping, maybe having lunch out. I felt she needed too much looking after.
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