I’m positive nothing inappropriate has occurred, she thinks this aide sleeps with her and she believes that he feels the same way. I have not brought this up to anyone at the facility but I do know that the aide now brings in a female staffer when he has to attend to her so I’m guessing she made him uncomfortable. In any event, I just change the subject but this “fantasy” really drives her and in a bizarre way keeps her in a positive state of mind. She takes better care with her appearance and seems kind of “up” like one is in teenage love. This is so bizarre. Any thoughts?
As a home health aide, my first male client was a wonderful, clean man who suffered from dementia. Although a widower, he had lived a very full life. He had all the old photos, news clips, etc. to support every story he told about himself. I worked from 3 to 11 pm with him.
After a few weeks, I began to get a "funny vibe" as the sun began to set. He normally went to bed at 7 pm. It suddenly took him a long time to get settled in for sleep. He began to speak very sweetly. I halfway dismissed it -- until one night I caught him watching p#rn on his computer.
He did not know I saw him. I never said a word to him or anyone else. As I know this can happen with dementia patients, I did not want to embarrass him. I simply replaced him with a female client. And if I can help it, I will NOT be with another male client again!
P.S. Please keep in mind, the medications may confuse a patient's mental state. My male client (above) was on many prescribed, over-the-counter and holistic meds for dementia, hypertension, broken bones, etc.
Did I handle any of this well? No. There was zero evidence that any of this was true, but my mom would not be moved from her belief. To indulge her fantasy would lead to hours of discussion about her wedding, what to wear, and so on. I simply could not, and would not do that. I did not care. After trying logic and evidence, I simply gave up and refused to discuss it with her.
She is now in a facility and tells me that a group of men gather and sing to her at night, outside her window.
Mother would hear him coming and grab 2 Hershey's Kisses and make her way to the front door--where she would be motioning for him to come up to the house. He would (the sweet guy) and she would tell him he had to give her a 'kiss' and she'd give him 2. HIGHLY inappropriate, but he'd maybe peck her on the cheek and take the candy. I witnessed this ONCE and about lost my mind. "Mother, this is sexual harassment!" (On the lowest possible level, but still, so mortifying,) She said 'oh, he loves it'.
Upon speaking to him one day, he admitted he in fact, did NOT 'love it' and was putting in for a transfer. Luckily it came through and she has a new mailman she hasn't been able to train.
And she does not have dementia. She's just kooky. She also thinks all the single men at the Sr Center 'want her'---and I have to give her snaps for thinking that could be true. She's 90 and a hard worn 90.
And yes, she watches those awful Hallmark movies every single day. I think they have rotted her brain. She is icky sweet flirtatious with all my sons in law--they have handled that far better than I would.
a. something to do
b someone to love
c something to look forward to.
And this fantasy boyfriend is providing all of these. Let her be
I mentioned it to the nursing supervisor. I was concerned her stories could cause a problem for the male nurse. They took steps to give her a female nurse in the evening when she’s most confused. It may make your mother happy but I’d be concerned about a third party’s reaction who could be upset and cause a serious problem , people gossip and don’t always make sure about facts before they complain
And if there is happiness in an emotional fantasy...all the better. a little Dr Bach Rescue Remedy would ease the anxiety for your Mother...and yourself when you come and go. It is a wonderful harmless product, made from the dew of flowers. And has been on the market for over 90 years now. I use it a lot for my grandfather...pets...baby ....It brings a 'calm steadiness" without a any drugs effect. Great stuff
Now you are wondering how to deal with this ? Do you play along with your Mom's harmless fantasy which keeps Her in a positive frame of mind, and it motivates Her to take pride in Her appearance, or do you just bust Her baloon and crush probably the last happy chapter left in Her Life ?
l would be incline to approach the Aide quietly and check that He's ok. If it is harmless fantasy and no one is feeling hurt or offended by this then let it be.