I have to make the arrangements for my father. My dad left a handwritten note saying he wanted to be cremated and maybe have a simple memorial service. I’m not sure if he wrote that during Covid, or not.
Other than myself, my husband & daughter, my mother (ex wife) and a couple of dad’s cousins (maybe), I don’t know who would come to a memorial service. Especially with Covid. You can’t hug, or shake hands, etc.
I haven’t lived in my dad’s town for decades and don’t know who his friends or acquaintances are. His 2 closest friends died before him. I’d be relying on the obituary bringing in some friends or acquaintances.
His ashes are to be buried in another town with the family plot at a later date. Is it lame to skip the local memorial and maybe have a smaller family service when his ashes are buried? I’m so tired from family drama plus his hospitalization I just can’t think straight any more.
So you never know who or how many will show up.
Do what you and the family feel comfortable doing and do not over spend.
It is perfectly logical given current circumstances to have a family only service and have a Celebration of Life at a later date.
I personally think the person planning it should only do what they are willing and able to deal with. I like the idea of small and uncomplicated and I think your family and his friends would understand and even be relieved.
Since your father wanted something simple, I would stick with that. Funerals are expensive, memorials or celebrations of someone's life can be much different, and much more personalized.
Unfortunately you wouldn't know how many local friends or acquaintances he had until they showed up at the funeral home. I think what I would do is discuss with the funeral director if he/she would handle the cremation, but hold off on a funeral (that's what I did). The obituary could include a line that funeral arrangements are not yet finalized and interested parties could contact the family, but don't give out personal addresses or phone numbers, as you don't know who might reply.
I suggest this b/c some criminals review the obituaries for dates on which funerals occur, knowing that family members identified would most likely be away, and the house vacant and more susceptible to robberies.
You could include in the obit a new e-mail, nondescriptive, and judge from the responses whether or not it's justified for an actual funeral, or a less formal get-together at the graveside.
I did something similar, for a variety of reasons, primarily safety as well as some friction that existed. I just had an impromptu graveside gathering, with the anticipation of a celebration of life later. But after I saw the feuding in the family and the aggressiveness of some church members, I decided to pass on that.
My niece told me of a unique celebration of life for a CA surfer. His friends who also were surfers paddled out into the ocean, and one of them scattered his ashes there. I thought that was really touching, and so appropriate for a surfer. (Of course, if you weren't a surfer, I guess you didn't participate in the ocean trip.)
I hope you find a solution that works for you and gives you comfort.
First and most important, breathe. Deep slow breaths. Ask the nurses at your grandmother's facility to help you talk to your grandmother. They should be able to help you. Take it one day at a time. If your dad left instructions for a funeral, burial place, follow them to the best of your ability. If it is something you just can't handle, don't do it. No one will criticize or judge you, and your daddy certainly wouldn't want you to fret.
If he didn't leave instructions, then do what you can handle.
Just remember, your dad is now healthy and pain free and safe with the angels, and he will be your guardian Angel from now on.
GREAT big hugs to YOU. You will be able to handle it.
So my suggestion would be to wait until the actual burial since you have no idea who his friends are. Even though my MIL had lived in FL for 23yrs and had made friends, the family present had chosen to keep things family only.
When mom died, we had a small funeral, with the expectation of doing a church memorial this spring, when hopefully everything opened back up. Well, things here really haven't improved, numbers wise, and the longer the time goes since she passed, the more I have been thinking that a full-on church service is unnecessary. We were really doing it more for my niece, since she was unable to fly in, and was hoping to get back East in the Spring, but again, I don't see that happening.
Whichever decision you make will be the "right" one, as long as you are reasonably sure you won't look back, beating yourself up afterwards.
And you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. (((hugs))))
I love the idea of a tree. Thanks for mentioning this. My friend planted a young maple tree in my yard when my father died in 2002.
Every time I look at my tree I think of my father. It’s grown so much and is a beautiful tree. This is a lovely way to remember our loved ones.
Invite clergy if you desire but if you don’t wish to, you could read the 23rd psalm and a couple of his favorite scriptures.
You’re right in saying that Covid has changed everything.
The only other thing that I can think of is having a Zoom service.