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My parents are in their late 70's. I moved back home a few years ago after losing my job, intending to stay only a short time until I got back on my feet. But when I got there, my parents' dysfunction took over my life (and became my dysfunction). There are too many deeply rooted psychological issues to go into here, but suffice it to say that I've been reliving all the toxic mental manipulation I endured as a child under their roof. What's worse, they've developed worsening physical problems that are preventing them from adequately caring for themselves and their home.

My father has a chronic autoimmune condition, has extremely poor balance and difficulty walking, falls asleep anywhere anytime (including driving) and takes countless medications. He shouldn't be driving at all, and recently I did limit him to short trips to and from the grocery, but my mother is "helpless" and has always relied on him to do everything for her. Everything that is except all the stuff I do - which includes all the yard work, heavy lifting, house repairs, shopping and preparation for my mother's book club, shopping and cooking for dinner parties for neighbors, driving on long trips, etc.

My mother likely has dementia or Alzheimer's that has recently become very noticeably worse. She has two siblings, a father and a grandfather with Alzheimer's. My mother refuses to be tested for dementia (despite acknowledging that she recognizes some decline in memory) and my father can't be bothered to have a conversation about anything, let alone anything of any significance. He's content to let my mother do or act whatever way she wants as long as his routine isn't interrupted.

I am at my wits end because they are the most stubborn, self-involved, heads-in-the-sand type of people you could imagine. They refuse to complete a will, despite my and my brother's incessant efforts to encourage and/or help them. They refuse to consider moving to a retirement community where they could be transferred to assisted living if need be. These character traits are longstanding, but time is short now. And it won't be long before something happens, or before my mother isn't able to make decisions for herself. My father has bouts of extreme confusion as well. Honestly I wouldn't know where to begin to take care of matters if/when that happens as I don't have the details about their finances.

I have been trying very hard to get them to make their own decisions both for their own sake and for the sake of their children, but they won't. If I push the issue, my father gets angry and threatens me and my mother throws tantrums and tells me to leave. But in the past whenever I have "left", she tantrums, stalks me via phone or email, calls my brother obsessively, etc.

So...in good conscience, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to just leave, knowing that they can't take care of themselves; however, this is killing me. I am not in a financial position to "just leave" because all of my time is eaten up by these issues. My brother thinks I should take any job I can and just leave asap, and who cares if they don't finish the will. He thinks if I don't leave, they'll never admit they need help. I think they'll never admit it anyway, and if I do leave, I'll be stalked and harassed again, or they'll hurt themselves or someone else, and then I'll be the one who has to go back again and pick up the pieces. My brother has a family and lives many hours away and isn't in a position to take them in. I am single and so the burden falls to me. But I am near 40 and feel I've wasted most of my life dealing with their issues.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

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Leave. Get a job. Live your life. They are not going to change; you can't help them, neither can they help themselves. they've made their bed and are going to have to deal with the consequences down the road. By staying, you are enabling their dysfunction.

You should notify their doctor if you feel they should not be driving. You should outline their symptoms to him/her; you can notify APS that you believe that they will need a wellness check after you leave.

Who is going to take care of you in your old age? Do you have retirement savings? Social Security credits? Sorry to be harsh, but you need to get out.
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Poor you am in same situation came home as i lost my job then had an accident then a burst appendix then mum started to show signs of dementia and here i am. at 47yrs and feel like my life is ending if this goes on much longer! have been here 5yrs now and its getting harder!

First things first you need to speak to a health nurse or any professional tell them what youve told us. I think somone needs to speak to your dad about your mum and how will he manage when shes worse and as you know she will get worse.

have you spoken to anyone? you know your brother is right get a job any job maybe when youre out all day they will realise they need help?

Seems to me its ok for your dad to leave it all to you? You need to think about you and what you want now and believe me i know the guilt but i had a mini stroke in Jan and that was my wake up call.

Please get some help from outside dont wait until you get ill then who will look after them? I think an AL would be better for them but then your mum may need more help in time.

So sorry for you as you sound desperate. Ive decided to leave as soon as i get some money together i mean youre 40? you need to think about your future and your career too!

I would ask a nurse to call and see how things are then go from there but you cannot force them to do what they dont want to do. So look after you i know how stubborn they can be but its your life aswell.

Couldnt your brother even give you some kinda break for a few days just because he has kids dosnt mean he cant help! does he even visit them?
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ba8alou - I hear you. Believe me. Well, no one's going to take care of me - ever. No one ever has and I don't expect anyone ever will. And if my parents died tomorrow, I would be royally screwed and believe me I think about it every day, and every day I fail at trying to figure a way out of my situation. I probably cling to this caregiver role because I've done it my entire life for them. And don't misunderstand - I have had success in my career, have even gotten a Master's degree, but the last few years have left me depressed and hopeless on this hamster wheel with them. And while I TOTALLY agree they won't change and they should reap what they've sewn, leaving them to reap it still isn't a black and white decision for me. I mean, just the other day my mother INSISTED she needed to use the chain saw to cut the low branches trees in the back yard because a neighbor said they were dangerous and a child could bump his head on them. What? What neighbor? What children? And when I refused to let her use it, she threw a tantrum. Not long ago she brought out the hedge trimmers and TWICE cut the cord and blew the fuse to the whole house. And this happened while I was here! I shudder to think about what would happen if I left them alone for even a week. So this is why I struggle...

kazzaa - Thanks for your support. Unfortunately my brother lives about 9 hours away (by car) so he only sees them a few times a year. And he told me flat out recently he refused to take them in even for a few months because a) he doesn't want them to screw up his kids and b) they'd probably mess up his marriage. And frankly, I agree with him. Having said that, I also don't think it's fair it all falls to me, but it is what it is.

I'm at the point where I have 2 choices: either get more heavily involved with my parents' doctors (schedule visits and drag them to appointments myself), sit down with them to force their hand to fill out the will, etc. OR decide I've given them enough chances and lock myself in my room until I find a job and have enough money to get out. But if I get out, what happens when INEVITABLY they falter? Who comes to the rescue if not me?

And if I persist a little longer here and get involved with the docs, I'm getting myself in deeper and it's going to prolong my stay. And I'm not even sure that if the doctors back me up my parents would listen. Ultimately I would love for a hired nurse to come in and help. But they have no insight into their limitations and would think I was insane to bring that up.

I just feel like, they refuse to make a decision, so I have to make one. Just trying to figure out which one.
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upacreek, get your canoe, get your paddle and start moving away. Your own sanity comes first. Sooner or later one of them will land in the hospital. Just let the emergency responders know what their health issues are when you leave. Live YOUR life and realize they won't change until they are forced to.
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[x] tough love [ ] tough it out.

There is my answer. I am trying to do the *tough love* route with my parents. I think I had spoiled them over the past 5 years to a point that they don't realize that maybe... just maybe... it is time to move to a retirement community.

I need to continue on in my career because I have no siblings and no children. That means I am going to have to pay someone to help me if I don't move into a retirement community.... the ones we have in my areas are so nice, I am ready to pack :)

Upacreek, why should the burden fall on you because you are single? Lot of married people, with children still at home, are being Caregivers to their parents. So don't let that *being single* be a rule in your mind.
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P.S. Upacreek, wonder what your parents would be doing if they had no children? Who would care for them? I've asked that of my parents a couple of times and they usually reply they hadn't thought of it that way.... usually nothing changes.... [sigh].
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Pam - Thank you, I definitely hear you.
Freqflyer - Sorry you're in a similar position but I'm glad you're trying to set some boundaries. I agree it's not right that the single person always be the go-to caregiver. It's just that my parents have openly and proudly admitted to a double standard. They wouldn't dare burden my brother, nor would he be burdened. I, on the other hand, seem to have been birthed so that they could project their issues onto me. And so, no I don't think it's right, but so it is. They won't change, but I have to, and not just in regard to my relationship with them. I obviously have to see myself as someone they don't. Someone with potential, someone with a purpose other than to enable them.

As to what they would do if they didn't have children? They wouldn't even play that game with me. And if they bothered to respond, they would say they could take care of themselves, just as they say now.

And round and round we go...
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Sorry, I did just want to follow up with a question to those who think I should leave.

One of my concerns since they refuse to complete their will is that things will be a mess when one or both of them pass. And I don't want to continue to be haunted by them, so to speak, from beyond the grave. If I am still dealing with the crap they refused to deal with after they die, I will be beyond disgusted. I don't care if they don't leave me a thing - I just want them to write a will so I don't have to deal with it once their gone.

So my biggest quandary is whether to get involved in the will making process so that it's taken care of before I leave, or whether, as my brother said, I should screw it. BTW, my mom asked my brother to be the executor and he refused. They did not ask me. And why would they since I am a female and single and not to be respected? *rolls eyes*

So, screw it or force 'em to do it?
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Upacreek, my parents also have double standards.... whenever I take my parents to big box store that has a grocery section I finally tried to get my Dad to help Mom with gathering the groceries instead of wandering off to the electronics dept... he thought I would enjoy grocery shopping because I was a girl.... NOT.

My parents don't like their geriatric primary physician, who I think is great, because the doctor is a female... male doctors are a lot smarter.... say what?

My Mom doesn't like listening to female sport announcers, *what do they know about sports?".

And my Dad said I should retire from work, stay home and be a housewife... sorry, Dad, I have to keep working because I never got the higher salaries because I was a woman.... it's going to take me quite some time to catch up to your retirement fund.
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Upacreek, I just saw your question about the Will.... same issue here trying to get my parents to update their Will as it desperately needs to be re-written to today's laws.

I also don't care about my parents estate, I rather they use that money to make *their* life easier. One time I asked my Dad what would happen if they outlived me. Dad never thought of that. I let my Dad borrow a book called "Because you can't Take it with You, How to Get Your Affairs in Order to Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones"... it's quite an eye opener.... doubt my Dad even opened up the book.
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What if we realize that we aren't here to protect, cover up, do damage control, and be personal slaves to our self centered, and sick parents? What if our true purpose was to come into this family and to help the parents realize the lessons they never faced? Just by taking care of yourself, and finding a way to love from a distance, you make the statement that might start their destinies whirling in a different direction. I believe we are souls and we all have lessons to learn. Being born the slave girl in dysfunctional families is like having to decipher a code from a different planet and then finding your escape route.

I think we all needed love so much as children we believed that if we do as we were told and try to be "a good girl" we'd be loved and fullfilled. But now we see that was just a sick dillusion that grew out of the sick family members. Now we have to struggle with "being a good girl" to ourselves, growing up into a woman who stands alone, stands up to abuse, and says no with confidence. Someone who sets boundaries and finds joy in your life. Someone with faith that your life has a different purpose, an adventure. There are talents to give to the world and there is love for you to find, outside of that house that is your prison.

You can walk out and from a distance help them as they need it. But you must save yourself first. Change yoru handle from upacreek to something like SwimmingStrong! We are all rooting for you!! We are swimming beside you in fact.
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Every community has help, safety nets, jobs, something to help. Write down what you need on a little card and put it where you will see it: I find a job, I find a great place to live. If your parents can't see or don't care that you need that, I wouldn't be willing to give them your life.
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Tough love, from a distance.
Screw the will.

Get a job, move out, get on with your life.

Follow your brother's example.
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freqflyer -

Those stories about your parents' double standards sound very familiar. With my dad, a bad driver is always a "dumb broad" even if the "stupid lady" is clearly a man. He used to tell me to hurry up and find a rich guy to marry. He's stopped telling me that now because, if I did, he wouldn't have anyone to take care of him.

Obviously intellectually it's easy to poke holes in their beliefs, but the bigger issue is that we have parents who don't respect women, therefore don't respect us, therefore don't value our opinions. I can totally see myself giving a book like that to my parents 10 years ago (and they wouldn't have read it then either). Now I don't even bother. But, I'm still here wasting my time and breath in other ways. Hopefully we can both find people (in career and relationships) who respect and appreciate our sincerity and help in spite of that rejection from our parents.
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juddabuddhaboo -

Thank you - what an incredibly helpful way of reframing the situation. I often think I was born into this family to learn my own lesson, but hadn't thought much about the possibility that I was put here to teach my parents one, as well. I believe that I returned to my childhood home to face the issues that I never really resolved and that have always held me back. But I have struggled to let go of the negative beliefs about myself and others, and about my potential, that this dysfunctional family relationship helped to create. It's like I have the knowledge to crack the code but my stubborn ego won't let me.

As I said before, I KNOW they won't change. And I know I MUST. And I know in order to do that, I have to love myself and care for and nurture my Self. But that's so hard. And fighting with my mother about a chain saw is about the most useful distraction you could get if you're looking to avoid hard stuff. So, I know I have work to do :)
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Somehow, people like your parents always get taken care of. Take care of yourself. You can't do anything for them in your current state of helplessness/hopelessness.
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upacreek,

Only you can draw the lines that need to be drawn. Only you can come to the realization that your life is YOURS, and you need to live it the way you want.

Your scenario is so similar to a young mother's: the toddler is throwing a tantrum and the mother is about to give in. Everyone in the store can see it and can see the solution except for the young mother who cannot seem to get a grip. Everyone wants to tell her to let her child reap the consequences instead of giving in and buying the bauble. Everyone wants to tell her that she is only making her own life and the child's worse by giving control to the child. Everyone wants to see the young mother take control of her life, discipline her child (by letting the child experience consequences) and thus set her child on a life course of good decisions. It's always easy for outsiders to see the dysfunction going on, and to know how to handle it.

Everyone who has commented can see what you are not seeing. You are seeing no way out, but, there is one. If you really want out, and I believe you do, you will need some help. Maybe just a little bit: a book or two might give you the insight and strength you need. Maybe much more: therapy. You have taken the first step in realizing the dysfunctions in your family and how you are caught up in them. I think your first step was in coming to these forums, where others know what you're going through. It was my first step. :)

I am not in your exact situation yet, but my mother is controlling me and guilting me, and I am preparing myself to resist the guilt. It won't be easy. She is MASTER at it. As for myself, I'm nearly finished reading "Boundaries", which I recommend. It's all right there. Now I just have to screw up the courage to draw the line. And I will. But only I can do it. I have no siblings. It's just me. Me against Mom. It won't be pretty. And she's has threatened me with her will crap (at least they do have one), but I truly believe she's blowing hot air. We'll see. And, like you, sure, I'd like to remain in the will, but not at the expense of my life. A lot of which I've already wasted on her.

I am amazed at the knowledge of the people on this forum. They know so much more than I do. Please seriously listen to them. I am learning very much from many of these threads, which I read daily.

So please take care of YOU. You are so young.

Sharon
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Yet many of us were raised to do what our parents tell us to do.... and I think my parents [in their 90's] still view me as a *child* [I am 67] even though I have copied their life style when it comes to home and finances.

I have to laugh, I remember back when my hubby and I were getting a divorce, Mom had sent Dad over to my house to show me how to disengage the automatic garage door opener in case there was ever a power failure..... ooooook..... do my parents think I had been stuck in my house for those 20 years when I was married, not knowing how to get the car out of the garage when the power was off??? Same with furnace filters, I recently had bought a box of filters and Mom noticed them.... she said that Dad can come over to change the filters for me..... [sigh].

Must be that double standard thing, I being a female. Now, if my parents were saying that to my significant other, I would understand because he doesn't even know how to open a tool box ;)
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Your parents sounded annoying fregflyer, but I can hear some caring underneath the illogical ideas. My parents would never go that far in thinking about what I might need like that. We humans are an odd lot!!
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juddabuddhaboo, I was an over-protective only child and they still treat me the same way.... even now any time I tell them I am catching a cold, they automatically go into high gear thinking I might have pneumonia, give me all sorts of medical advise.... like this is the first cold I ever had in my life !!

I am just lucky they don't know how to use a drone :0
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You have seen all the posts. Now it's up to you. Forget about the will already. If it's a mess, so be it. Call a charity to empty out the house, and the financials are a few calls from an attorney. Get a job, for crying out loud. Get your butt moving. If not, in 10 years, you will still be in this situation, wondering where your life went. You can do this. Get going.
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You need to get a job, and move out. Unfortunately until a crisis happens, nothing will be resolved. If you stay, you will be a caregiver for the next twenty years; is that how you invision your life? About the will, don't worry nursing home costs will eat up the estate.
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Upacreek; you might find it instructive to scroll through previous posts from folks in situations similar to yours. There is no good news. Sorry if I'm sounding like the ultimate downer here. But parents seem to come in two flavors--planners (mine, thank all that is holy) and the non planners. If you have parents who didn't and won't plan, imo, you need to back away as so that your future doesn't get sucked into the vortex.
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Hi upacreek - you certainly are. I am in the sort of the same situation as I am single. It is different in that if I met someone tomorrow, my parents would not expect me to stay, they would urge me to go. however - my aunt passed away and did not leave a will. this was an extremely stupid move for a revered woman who was considered the matriarch of the family. so everything went to the hands of mom's one other sister who is very trustworthy but it was a huge burden. but my aunt was a saver bordering on hoarder and everything is messier because she didn't take responsibility when she was still able to. so there is a house on the market who has been thru 3 "almost" sales and now has a "reputation" for being unsellable despite numerous upgrades including a HUGE major renovation. I think you should contact your parents's doctors to let them know what you experiencing. Please keep in mind regarding HIPAA red tape - i don't know if you have an ok to speak to your parents' doctors etc. but I would call them and let them know what you are experiencing. This needs to be documented somewhere to protect YOU. If they (doc's office, et.) give you trouble about speaking to you, I don't believe HIPAA comes into play if YOU are calling to give THEM information. and if it is documented now, it won't bite you in the a** later. I hear/see the other replies urging you to protect yourself, I agree.
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Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I definitely needed to hear the perspective of some people who aren't in the middle of this mess, and it sounds pretty much like a landslide in the direction of tough love. So, I've decided I'm going to work on my exit strategy, with the focus being on getting myself out and financially independent again and for good.

I'm still mulling over the best approach regarding their health and the will. I did investigate the intestacy laws in their state and it looks like if they both die, all the assets will go to my brother and me. If one dies, $15,000 will go to the spouse plus half of the remaining assets and the rest will go to my brother and me. My brother and I both just want the drama to end so I don't anticipate any fighting between us (although Miasmom1 - I definitely hear your point about your aunt and I am very concerned about feeling overwhelmed by their lack of planning and by this house and all the potential issues with its sale). I am also concerned about what happens if my mom "loses her mind" before she dies as no Power of Attorney has been established. So I think that may be something I need to make a priority.

But other than sorting out these details, you have all helped me see that it's time to cut the cord. Thanks for the wake up call :)
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I would get a job and prepare to move out when able to do so.
You are correct that they can't manage and at only their late 70's things will get worse as they head into their 80's. If they have a concerned pastor or doctor, try to list your main mental and physical health concerns. See if they can check them out physically and mentally. Perhaps a change in medications and some PT could make them better able to live alone. The driving if he falls asleep needs to be stopped. Perhaps they could go on some of the senior transportation to shop.
However, if you are in the area, try to get some companion/home health aide for them. I would pay for the aide and/or the house cleaner to help them.

They seem to be in poor shape for their late 70's, normally this level of problems develop after age 85 or so with healthy seniors.

So move out, it is best for you. However, the problems on the home front with your parents do not disappear. They remain as long as they do.
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Oh, please mind Sharonkay! She is right, right, right.

Count me as one more fellow traveler on this challenging but lifegiving road.
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My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar boat and I'm secretly gathering the money to get out. Moving back home to "help" her was the worst decision of my life. My mother has been this way her whole life, she won't change and I was always afraid that if I didn't help her, I'd either find her in the gutter or I'd have to pick up the pieces to some mess she created. That is how she trained me. I have concluded that their blissful ignorance is an act. They know that someone is always there, cleaning up their mess. I don't care how old they are, they are still accountable for their actions and have no right to expect someone to give up their life, just because they made poor choices.
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I totally understand where you are as my brothers and I are in a similar situation. As the female, it feels like abandonment when you resist the dependent situation the elder parent has put themselves and us in. I am trying to use tough love by only providing the help dad would get from me if he were in assisted living (which is minimal). All the help from the staff he would have received he needs to do on his own. It is hard to see our parents struggle but I know assisted living would be so much better for him. He needs to need it and right now he gets by through grabbing anyone he can to do for him what he could have regular help to do. I think it is a generational thing too. That generation never had assisted living arrangements and they think it is a nursing home where people are mistreated. So I respect his decision but keep telling myself, I need my own life and sanity.
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juddabuddhaboo - you made a wonderful statement. You are so right!
In our journey to find ourselves sometimes we get lost in others "selves". I did it - others here have done it. Out of "obligation". Maybe the lesson to be learned here is how to say no and how to walk away... If you don't make the decision to leave the chaos you choose to be a part of the chaos. Been there done that. Yes you will feel guilty. Work on yourself - get to a better place for you. As ba8alou says - your parents will be taken care of. Before you leave make contact with your local Social/Human Services and refer your parents to the Adult Protection Unit in the county your parents live in. Best wishes and remember to take care of yourself. Your brother is right.
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