My MIL is between stages 6 and 7 of dementia. She lived with us over a year and then had to be placed in a MC facility. I was her PCG while my husband went to work. Trying to get her to do certain things while she was here was a task and overwhelming some days. She would act like a baby when my husband was around so sweet but when we were alone she would have a mean look and say things under her breath and get on the phone with her sister before her major decline and whisper.
The day we moved her into the memory care facility I was the one who signed her in. My husband came in after the fact. She was sitting at the table when he came in but I had stepped away to speak to the nurse. When I had returned she shook her fist at me. Fast forward, a month or so ago she said she was not speaking to me in her baby voice language.
I told my husband that my mil does not care for me and he got upset. I don’t believe my feelings are wrong because of all of the in-law mess that was started while she was living with us. He thinks that just because she has given us stuff and money in the past that she cares deeply for me.
I know that dementia makes you exhibit certain behaviors but my gut feeling tells me that I’m not wrong. She acts totally different with me than with the people in her family and I have been around for over 25 years. Mind you my husband is her only child.
He thinks I’m a horrible person for saying that she doesn’t care for me. Especially since she has given us or should I say him money since we have been married. Was I wrong for saying that to him?
You took on caregiving of her. You are to be admired for that. I personally would not have done that. That I wouldn't be 24/7 caregiver to someone who wasn't fond of me would have relieved me of expecting their thanks.
And if I DID take on the care, I would understand I was dealing with a person who has dementia. I would understand that the person we live with closest who is at our side the most is often the person we level our frustrations and our anger on. I would understand that there has been a final loss in the loss of her ability to be with her son. I would handle her shaking her fist with a sense of humor and tell her "You may not love ME, but I love YOU enough for us both".
Why be at war with a demented elder?
Why be, worse yet, at war with your husband who can do NOTHING whatsoever, who is losing his mother, who loves her and has received a lot from her, who is stuck right in the middle of his mom and his wife?
HE--your husband-- is the person I personally feel sorriest for.
You did good, Butterfly. You cared for a woman who apparently was never especially fond of you. Give yourself that. She will soon be gone. Be now kind to your husband, easy with your MIL and with yourself, and move on out of this anger which does NO ONE any good whatsoever. WHAT in the world do you expect from your husband? You are setting yourself so against him he cannot even come up for air enough to thank you for all you have done.
I would take some of this anger to a few sessions with a counselor. This has been tough on you. But your hubby can't fix this for you. No one can. I am really sorry, but your wanting to continue a weary war into the future is against your own best interests. MIL will be DEAD. She won't CARE. As Thomas Lynch, the undertaker-poet said "When someone is dead there is nothing you can do ABOUT, FOR, WITH, or TO them that will make the slightest difference."
You and your husband have a life to live into the future. You owe it to yourself and to him to try to make it a good and happy and rewarding life. Let this go.
Oh no, she does not! Please study up on this, enlist the help of a social worker, declare to everyone that she can't live with you because you are no longer capable of taking care of someone that sick.
You mention that she's at stage 6 or 7. If that's true, she is way beyond what you, her daughter-in-law, should be expected to take care of. Get yourself into the mindset that you cannot. You've had enough. She doesn't like you. She's out of the house, and she needs to stay anywhere but with you. She needs care by professionals because she can only get worse.
Good luck, and start working on this now.
I always felt that my MIL was jealous of her DILs. That she felt there was a competition. My husband lived home the longest. Both brothers getting married right out of college and both in the military. We were the ones that remained in the same town. My MIL was passive-aggressive and lied. I stopped going to her house alone because of her lies. I only went with my husband. I have no idea if she liked me. I will say I didn't love her. She would have never lived with me, but we were not tested because she moved to Fla from NJ and died there.
You do not need to take MIL back, you apply for Medicaid and place her in a home.
The only cure for that, frankly, is not to care. Or at least act like it.
Your husband probably feels badly that she had to be placed in MC so keep your feelings to yourself right now. Leave it alone. It doesn’t matter anyway.
Congratulations, she is in memory care. Visit if you want, when you want. Enjoy your life.
PS My MIL disliked me too.
Why go at all? You used to go by yourself? Have you stopped that? You've done your time. Let your H go by himself and stay for hours. Ignore his whining when he gets back (do something else -- read? and just periodically say "Hmmm..." so he thinks you are actually listening).
Don't feel badly about doing this! If you do, just consider whether or not he would have become the personal caregiver to YOUR mother. No, right?
Your DH is her only child, so it’s no surprise that she has helped him financially. Who else would she make gifts to? It perhaps does mean that she likes/ loves him, but it doesn’t mean that she likes or loves you. Many MILs are as jealous as hell of their DILs.
What you can do is to drop down any contact you have with her, and stop talking to your husband about her and your mutual feelings. He does love her, and he has a completely different relationship with her than you do. It would be a kindness just to accept that, and try to get yourself out of the picture.
She does have dementia now and you do have to consider that she is never going to be able to behave like a person who doesn’t have dementia.
Yes, dementia changes behavior but let me tell you that there are some women who have never been kind to their daughter in laws. There are some men who do not defend their wives even when dementia has never been present.
Look, as far as gifts and money goes, this isn’t proof of her genuinely caring.
Sometimes people give gifts that have strings attached. Know what I mean? Your husband doesn’t want to think less of his mom because she is sweet to him.
My husband’s grandmother was this sort of woman. She treated my mother in law who was a wonderful woman like crap, but she didn’t dare treat her son that way. She saw my mother in law as the woman who stole her son from her.
My mother in law told her husband that if he wanted a relationship with his mom to go right ahead and she would understand but that she wouldn’t be joining him with visiting her any longer.
The difference between my father in law and your husband was that he stood up for his wife. He no longer wanted to see his mother and ended his relationship with his mom because she wrecked so much havoc in their lives.
I am not trying to tell you what is best for your situation. That’s for you and your husband to decide, but I do feel like your husband should respect your feelings as his wife.
He’s going to feel the way he feels no matter what you say to him so why waste your breath to continue telling him about it? He doesn’t believe you. Maybe give him a bit of time to process what you have already told him.
I am so happy for you that you are not caring for her in your home anymore.
Wishing you all the best.
You have taken care of her, and you experienced a frustrated person who used to do things herself, and she just can’t nowadays.
chalk it up to ALZ 101.
she really can only lash out at the one standing in front of her.. TAG You Are It! Fun, isn’t it?
So that being said, you are the one, in her mind who placed her..
Hubby doesn’t want to deal with the situation. He wants you to accept that she has ALZ, and this is what some people with this disease acts out. In a way he’s right. And so are you. It hurts..
but, the question is: Did she act this way towards you before you started caring for her? Did she ever act out against you before you married her one and only son?
How did she act towards you during your courtship and wedding?
then I would say; you knew back then how she loved you and appreciated you. Or, vs.
ALZ does change the brain.. honestly my neighbor was a sweetheart. When he got ALZ, he turned mean / violent according to his wife..
hope she nice to you before ALZ hit. That would be a way to gauge and answer your own question.
mom sorry you are going through this.
My son looks like me mostly but is tall like my husband. My husband’s daughter looks like her and her dad. I’m not saying that she doesn’t love our son but earlier on she really didn’t act like our son was his son. My skin is like in color and so is our son and my husband is a darker tone so is she and his daughter.
My stepdaughter didn’t want to be around me my mil condoned that behavior before we got married. My MIL was always on the go. Never sat still always traveling. But when she became sick I think she believed he was to supposed to be with her every hour he wasn’t at work or sleeping. Now she wants to be glued to him and when he leaves the facility she screams out. “ You’re leaving ! So the answer to your question is we have just been apart of each other’s lives not just really close.
My question to you and your husband is… why does it matter? She’s in MC now. Your husband can’t make you like her or make her like you. Why is that so upsetting to him? He seems really thin-skinned. Why don’t you guys focus on yourselves and leave dear MIL out of your relationship?
This is your MIL who wants to touch your butt when you visit, right?
Here's the thing. You may be correct, that she never cared for you. But it hurts your husband to hear that. So maybe you should keep that information to yourself, or talk about with friends or a counselor.