She is 86, has dementia and chronic back pain, and she lives with us. People have always commented on how sweet she is. She has been with us a little more than two years. Her dementia seems to be progressing quickly. She is getting needier all the time. These needs mostly require my help, as they are personal issues.
My husband is retired and I work from home as a public school teacher. He takes care of her lunch and our dinner, and helps with the laundry.
He resents that she lives here, in our home. He's tired of her being here. Everything we do pretty much revolves around her. All the things we can't do are because of her. His resentment adds to my stress of the situation.
Honestly, if it were his dad (who has passed) I might be feeling the same way.
Any suggestions?
If you love your husband and value your marriage, put your husband first. Your mother can linger for years like this and if he feels this way now, it will only get worse and you may not have a marriage by the time your mother dies. Then you will be left with nothing.
Start figuring out options now.
Your situation is unsustainable, SueDee, because mom will continue to decline. Your marriage is a higher priority than your mother, as hard as it is to hear that. Your husband has expressed his feelings even though it seems he has been a champ with caring for your mom day by day. It is time to take the next step to a facility. I'm sure it is hard, but as others have said from experience, you will be glad you did once the deed is done.
From: ElizabethAR37
A CCRC is a great plan. You are fortunate to be in line for inheriting the resources to buy into one. As I found when researching the issue some years ago, these facilities are VERY expensive and thus out of reach for many. We both retired from jobs in the nonprofit sector and, although we saved for retirement and bought LTC insurance, we don't pass $$$ muster for CCRCs in our area.
I likely would have inherited a significant amount but was disowned and disinherited years ago. For a number of reasons, including my experience, I would generally caution adult children not to depend 100% on inheritance to fund their retirement. If older parents are not quite well-off financially, they can end up spending down all their assets on care at home or in a facility. They will usually qualify for Medicaid LTC if they outlive their funds, but there will be nothing left to pass on.
Even with relatively modest resources, I intend to do everything I can not to burden our closest adult child with our care. He and his S/O have planned for, earned and deserve their own retirement.
I feel that you are treading on thin ice here and this situation will not get better as time goes by. In fact, it will only get worse.
My husband is the most calm, chill guy ever. He supported me throughout my caregiving days.
DH felt that I caught the brunt of everything and he showed great compassion.
Still, seeing me care for mother day in and day out, took a huge toll on him. I was glad when he finally expressed his feelings about how he felt.
Our talk prompted me to seek therapy to sort out my feelings about the amount of care that my mother required and how it was affecting my marriage.
My husband hated seeing me dealing with anxiety and depression.
Trust me, these things spill over into our spouse’s lives.
Yes, a parent needs sufficient care, but we as their child, nor a spouse deserve to be burdened with this responsibility. A spouse will start to grieve for the life they once had with their wife.
Mom went to live with my brother and SIL for awhile and the stress began to take a toll on them too.
A decision was made to place mom in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home. She received the care that she needed and we were able to visit her as her children instead of being her caregivers. She died peacefully at age 95.
What a blessing this was for all of us, including my mother. Mom hated being a burden on her family.
Think about it, we inadvertently teach our parents to become solely dependent upon us.
Yes, our intentions were good but the reality is that we find ourselves in a situation where we are in way over our heads. The relationship suffers and becomes unhealthy.
You and your husband do NOT deserve to have this burden in your lives. Please allow someone else to assume this responsibility.
Look into placement at a facility or at least hire additional help.
You can start this process by contacting Council on Aging in your area.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Did your husband agree to have your mom move in or did you do it against his wishes? If he knew and agreed, then he kind of signed up for it. But how can either of you have known what it would be like? Even if he knew, it would be a huge change to his world. And after 2 years I can't blame him for wanting it to end.
Using your mom's money, hire some caregivers so that your husband does not have to do ANYTHING for her and you can do less also. He deserves to enjoy his retirement.
And though I agree to some extent that if your DH agreed to your mother moving in, he sort of signed up for it - I would counter that he signed up for the CURRENT state - when she moved in. I think the biggest mistake that most people make is not really anticipating the FUTURE STATE and mentally locking themselves into permanent caregiving without really understanding what they are agreeing to do. It is not too complicated to agree to have someone move in with you when they are able to take care of their own hygiene, can sit in their room and entertain themselves and maybe all you really need to do is make an extra plate when you are cooking for yourself. It is a whole different thing when you have to shower that person or change their incontinence underwear.
Situations change - ESPECIALLY when someone has dementia. Needs change and become more diverse and urgent. And if HE is the one providing primary care for your mother while you work - that's asking a lot. I get why he's resentful. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
And the problem is that after a while he's not just resentful of her. He's going to be resentful of you.
He retired and has no ability to enjoy that. You can't travel. He is stuck at home during the day while you work, taking care of your mother. I think you have already put yourself in his shoes by thinking about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
But here is my suggestion. REALLY put yourself in his position. Tell him to take a few days away. And take on his responsibilities. Even if he doesn't leave, give him the time off and you pick up his responsibilities. Or pay attention to how often she is calling out for him during the day. Take note of how often your conversation turns to her (we spent and still spend way too much time talking about my FIL), how much of your lives revolve around her needs. And most importantly - how many of your needs and especially HIS in this case, are going unmet in order to meet hers.
What dreams for his retirement is he giving up? Did he think he would be on the golf course or enjoying some other hobby he didn't have time for when he worked - but that was pushed aside to care for your mother? Did he want to volunteer but can't leave the house? Does he feel trapped at home?
I agree with others, use mom's money and hire caregivers - give him a break. Give yourself a break. Hire respite care and go on a vacation. Don't talk about mom. Focus on yourselves and your marriage. Do SOMETHING to show him that your relationship is still important.
What would you do if he was still working? Who would provide her care? Consider your other options. For your own sake and his.
If you are resigned to doing about what you’ve done since she originally moved in, if you’re unwilling to actively address her changing needs for care, if your husband is candidly acknowledging that he’s “tired of her being here”, and even more painful for you both, “Everything we do pretty much revolves around her”, can you, from your perspective really appreciate the lack of balance for all of you?
Sometimes loving children hit the point where they can find NO SOLUTION that they perceive as “happy” or “positive” or even “functional” for all concerned, and are obliged to make the best of all the sad choices.
Are you there?
Your husband is stating how he feels. Are you thinking that he’s “the bad guy”?
He “didn’t sign up for this” any more than you did, but honestly, are you feeling the same way?
Consciously OR UNCONSCIOUSLY, did you make “the IMPOSSIBLE PROMISE”? Are you thinking that if you place her in the very best residence you can find, she’ll die, or she’ll be heartbroken, or she’ll be angry at you?
After nine months of total in-home care of my mother, I wound up in a situation that required immediate placement, and like a miracle, there was a bed available in the residence where she’d rehabbed from the shattered hip bone that had happened from a fall.
I took her there, tears streaming down my cheeks, and left her, both of us looking lost, in the care of what I knew was the best I could do, and spent the next several days calling the facility and thinking the reports I was getting about her adjustment to her new life were exaggeration.
But they weren’t. She LOVED her new life, and as a regular visitor I was enjoying time with her in a new and unexpected way.
NOTHING in this process is “easy”. Just consider trying something different. And brainstorm with your husband to come up with ideas you can both at least consider.
You’re both well worth giving it a try.
If it were me, I would either hire caregivers that can help and reduce the burden on you and your husband or find a nice assisted living facility. My own preference would be placement. If you aren't prepared to place her permanently, at least find respite care so both you and your husband can take break.
Even if he agreed to having her move in, I am sure he had no idea what he was signing up for.
Hiring help may work but I doubt it. He is tired of having no privacy. His home is no longer a sanctuary from the outside world because all his problems reside in the house with him.
Your husband has to come first. I'm not sure why you are against assisted living facilities. The one my father was in looked like a fancy hotel. Start researching them. See if your husband will tolerate a few more months while you find a place you can accept. Your mother's care is only going to get harder everyday from here on out. Please think of your future.
See All Answers