We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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Have some answer rehearsed in your back pocket like .... the health dept said she had to leave & most was disposed of as toxic waste by professionals & that your bro & you could only save a bit ..... you didn't want to let her know as it would have upset her so much - this way you are not the bad guy but rather saved as much as you could at the peril of your own health [say you were forced to wear full body suits & resperator] - BUT DON'T TELL HER THIS UNTIL ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

Meanwhile make excuses, use therapeutic lies when you have to do so [I don't see this as lying but as keep your mom on an equilibrium of some contentment], 'forget', get busy etc

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Is anything left? If so, bring it out and ask your Mom to tell you about it's story. My mother attached her memories to "things." Throwing out her things was the equivalent to throwing out her memories. It was very upsetting to her, as one can imagine. Keeping some things around to talk about might distract your mom from the pain of losing everything else.

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p.s. We have also had to go through the "hoarder" issue with my father in law with dementia(now deceased) had the infestation issue etc in a very large house, lots of stuff, trash etc. Had to move him too, had to do the same "little white lies" to save arguments, upsets etc. It is just better for everyone involved. Again, there is NO reason to engage in the fighting and upsetting them about why their stuff was thrown or donated.

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Your story is like so many these days! I had to move my mom(now 99) to assisted living 3 years ago. She had a nice clean mobile but had lots of "stuff" neatly packed away in closets etc. Lots of stuff she had collected over the years. She was a product of the great depression and saved lots of things due to the time that there was nothing. I carefully went through everything, saving the precious mementos and family things, etc. A lot of things had to be donated and lots of stuff was thrown away. Like you, when she asks, I tell her it is safely in my storage unit in town, it isn't always convenient to go there and so that is what I add to the equation in hopes that she forgets for another couple of weeks, or I say that I forgot to go by there and look for stuff but I assure her that the family stuff and things that are precious are being kept for future. Sometimes her confusion makes her believe that she is going to go back home someday. Just keep the "little white lie" going. It is best for her, and you. There is no need for her to know otherwise. We used some of her own furniture and some of her little trinkets into her apartment in the assisted living and she feels comfortable that way. I hope this helps. Don't keep beating yourself up about it. None of u!s realized we would have to go through all of this! Hang in there!

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My cousin and I spent 9 months on the weekends packing up my mother's stuff from a 2300 sq. ft. house due to hoarding issues, and I have all of the small stuff in storage units and at my house. The house and the appliances and furniture were sold, and my mother was told of this, and WHY it had to be done. She has never forgiven me, and is now dying and even TODAY had to remind me of what I did. Can't WAIT to wind up in Hell!! It was done for a PURPOSE and a NEED. I am not afraid of what "direction" I am headed for when it will be MY time to go!! What a relief!

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Debbie, I sure hope you are ditching the stuff in the storage units as fast as you can. You're going to H-E-Double Toothpicks anyway, you don't need to pay the monthly tolls to get there!

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Hoarding is a mental illness in the DMS-V. This may also be Diogenes Syndrome, a hoarding behavior and lack of self-care that develops in some elderly people. As others have said, redirect and know that she will probably continue to "hoard up" her current residence. Hoarders do that with some, who have the financial means, hoarding up multiple houses. Hoarders do not change unless they want to change, which happens very rarely because they don't see the problem, even with mouse-infested, decaying stuff around them. I don't know if you are on Facebook, but there are at least two groups for Adult Children of Hoarders which have a lot of valuable insights into the disorder. My mother was a hoarder and I have learned a lot from the group. Good luck.

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I would just keep up the ruse. I find that if I throw my mother the truth, she gets really confused. It may sound a bit weird, but if she didn't need stuff any longer, no reason to keep, and no reason to upset her if it is gone. Making up another lie like a storage unit just will confuse her more. IMHO. Best of luck as you are on a tough journey. This place helps me read about some answers I need me my 90 y.o. Mum with advancing dementia.

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I'd tell her there was a fire, water damage... anything that you are comfortable with to let her know that nothing is left. Let her know it was damaged beyond recovery and had to be thrown away.

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You've already told her an untruth for her health and safety. Now, for her mental well-being, tell her the storage unit was broken into and everything was taken. If she asks what is being done about the theft, tell her the storage unit management is handling everything and "we all have to be patient."

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Lie. Tell her that mice got into it while in storage and that it all was contaminated.

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Since there were mice feces, et al., initially, tell it it was ruined due to the bugs and mice. This gets you out of the dog house and it is partially true. You did the best you knew how in the moment. These decisions are not easy. After the fact, I feel that the best course of action for care providers / family members to forgive themselves for doing what they felt was right at the time, let go of guilt and stress. I would encourage others to keep special mementos (family, wedding photos - things that are really personally meaningful). Clothes, 'stuff,' furniture can all be replaced, one item at a time. gena

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I continue living with my mom and she is still a hoarder even after we were able to sell her old condo. We had to rent a 3 ton dumpster and had her vacate while we went through so much stress and crap.
She was always blaming my daughter for stealing items from that apt. Then after we went through everything, her jewelry was found,
although she was so angry with us all for throwing crap out.
I live with her in a rental apt now and she still has warehouses full of stuff.
1450.00 a month in warehouses and the only way she can continue paying them is pawning her gold jewelry.
Plus at 90 yrs old she relocated her art gallery and the rent is 2150.00.
I suggested for her to put an add in the paper to sell the artwork but she refuses to.
Long story short.............................let them get angry, or wait until their funds are gone and the warehouses put locks on them.
You were so smart getting rid of those warehouses.
Many yrs ago I asked my shrink if he could help with her seeing him, his reply was, she is never going to change.
Good luck and God Bless those who are dealing with this.

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You did what needed to be done. Perhaps she needs more activities to occupy her time so that she has less time to ruminate about her stuff. When she does ask for things, redirect her toward the "pictures and family items" that you salvaged.

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Exactly!

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Hoarders gonna hoard. If she's asking about her things, she's already wanting her hoarded state of living back. As others said already, she will be mad if/when she figures it out. That isn't going to be fun for anyone. But the main issue is preventing her from amassing another hoard.

Does she have access to her own money or transportation? Does she do online shopping? It's about 100% probability that she'll hoard again if she's able.

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You had to do what you had to do as far as getting rid of her toxic stuff. If she figures it out, she's going to be angry, if you stall and lie, she's going to be angry. Regardless, remind yourself you did what you had to do. You were brave to do it. God bless you.

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I am a caregiver for a long time friend and neighbor, I have also worked for many years at his many businesses, he has two kids who recently were gifted his ranch with his large home where he kept many records (family history & photos). He left everything at this house thinking they would cherish all the history records as he did. They did not ask him what he wanted before they threw it all out and burned it. Now he is asking for it and they are lying to him about it being in storage and when he asks for it to be brought to him they say they forgot it. (this has been going on for several months). I recently found out from a ranch employee what happened to his things (they were put in a hole and burned). I feel his kids should tell him the truth he knows something is wrong but doesn't know it no longer exists. He wants me to go out to the ranch and get his things in storage, I said he needs to have his kids bring it to him. Ranch is three hours away from where we live. He is 86 years old and does have memory loss but not severe dementia yet. I feel people should tell the truth, telling someone a outright lie is not healthy, it causes more mental problems!

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Often care providers / family members need to do what fits with a person's brain (chemistry) as it changes. When I hear "the shoulds," I am alerted. Everyone and every situation is different and I do believe that family members do the best they can in most circumstances, considering the stress and new situations (due to dementia) they find themselves in. It is important if a person wants to be heard here to give "I messages," i.e., I believe this is the right way to proceed, I would . . . vs the 'you should've, could've. After the fact, these 'shoulds' do not matter besides possibly bringing up guilt, more stress, and frustration - when a person (family) is doing the best they know how in any given moment.

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I am in agreement with Countrymouse. As she is still able to ask for the "missing" items, that is very telling of her mind - still lucid, praise God.

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I have an uncomfortable feeling that this mother's dementia has not yet advanced to the point where therapeutic fibbing is going to hold out as a strategy. BKB?

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OldBob had some great ideas. LOL The point is to redirect the conversation every single time. You can basically tell her anything... but the truth. Hoarding is an illness by itself and with everything she has going on there is no point in tapping into that problem.

Good Luck.

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Just say that you will go tomorrow to the storage and look for it. Maybe she will forget about it, or you could say you could not find it,

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I had the exact same thoughts.

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Im having a similar problem with my clients. She is at the beginning stage of memory problems due to brain cancer that she had When she was young. I'm not as patient as some, but found that her family grew up during the great depression so she saves paper goods and every butter container sauces from restaurants ECT. I try to keep a cpl things for her but remind her often that knapkins are cheap and that she has very nice Tupperware that she doesn't use. About 1 time a year I get her to go through clothes and donate items she no longer fits into. Its rough I do get angry sometimes. I tell her I love her and care about her health and well being. It seems to help

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Tell her white lies that the lock on the storage door got all rusty and the owner of the storage unit is out of town on vacation and won't be back for two more weeks..
Next time say that a lot of stolen jewelry was found in some of the storage unit and the police won't let anyone take anything out until the detectives search all of the units for additional stolen goods. Next time after that say ok, I will get it for you...Then go buy some inexpensive item that might be similar to what she wants and say that somehow the item got misplaced and you cannot find it so you bought a similar item...Next time say her son is coming back in the fairly near future and he will take a look. You may want to frequently start bringing items from the dollar store that might occupy her mind. You could bring it to a halt down the road by telling her there was a big fire and the contents were all burned up.
Grace + Peace,
Bob

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Thank you for your ideas. I really appreciate it!!

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I had the same problem working for my Aunt decades ago. She got really mad, and was not able to resolve it. I know that is not helpful, but that is what happened. She gone now, may God bless her soul.

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Not “lying” or “fibbing”. Using language based tools to develop a comfortable living environment for a damaged mom who needs to be carefully and honestly protected from her own impulses.

”If and when” she finds out, she will be processing THAT information in a damaged and distorted way, and if she yells, (pouts, cries, threatens, etc.) you will respond blandly and noncommittally, as you will from now on moving forward.

She is who she is, and you took on the overwhelming task of fixing her circumstances to be clean and safe. She did not, and WILL NOT, want “clean and safe”, she will want whatever her damaged brain tells her she wants, as you know she will.

You will both have a new “right” and a new “truth” and yours will be based on reality and compassion and healthy restorative distance for yourself, whenever possible. Hers will not.

Remember- “Safe and clean” and as peaceful as you can manage.

You’re doing the right thing.

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Excellent answer

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When I moved my Mom into AL, (she has Alzheimer’s).
anyway, I had to fib a little here and there as she had way too many things that were just too dusty and gross to keep. (I had to tell her that she was the one who gave a few things away so others that need could have, like shoes she will never wear again). It’s the mental state causing the hoarding.
Luckily my Mom forgets stuff anyway so doesn’t even realize it’s gone...!
i tried to just save all that I knew had sentimental value for her, and she has those things nearby. The rest went to goodwill or the garbage.

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Tell her your brother has the keys to the storage building..... you don't know anything about it (not really but, maybe). Long term care facilities have to deal with this every day except we change shifts and have days off. If she's a true hoarder she'll have the new place packed in no time. Tell her like it is then get the heck out of there.

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Yeah, she's going to repeat this hoarding behavior in her new place. Sounds like a professional psychologist should be consulted.

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Your profile explains that your mother has Alzheimer's Disease / dementia and depression; but also that she is in Independent Living. Hoarding and inability to maintain her own housekeeping routine (doesn't have to be good, just normal for her) are also signs of mental ill health or decline.

But how ill is she? - because how you manage the next steps depends a lot on what she is able to comprehend about her situation then, now and going forward; and on how justified you and your brother were in disposing of her possessions permanently.

For right now: ask her to write down a list of the things she wants from "storage" as they cross her mind. What sort of item would appear on the list? Are you sure the things she wants did exist? What can you remember about the condition of any of them, were they damaged by vermin, perished, soiled, infested, otherwise beyond saving?

You had better also talk to your brother and discuss what you are both going to say if the truth emerges. If your mother is still high-functioning mentally, I hate to say it but it's going to. It may be that he will have to return on a visit to face the music with you.

Where are the items you did salvage from her home? Was the home you and your brother cleared the same Independent Living apartment that she is now back living in again?

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Lealonnie,

You never fail to make me giggle. I love your wicked sense of humor!

Yes wouldn’t a relaxing fishing or golfing trip do the trick? Hahaha

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Thanks NHWM......boy, these guys get me so riled up with the things they do. What makes HIS stuff so great and her stuff garbage? She should tell him she looked all those Royal Doultons up on eBay and they were worth THOUSANDS!!!! Could you imagine his face at hearing THAT? 🤣

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I helped give end-of-life care to a hoarder. I understand why you did what you did. I think your best answer will come from a therapist who specializes in hoarding and see what advice s/he will give. Please call to consult with one before doing anything. Your mom will continue to hoard and advice from a professional, even if your mom refuses to work with one, will help you a lot in this situation. Blessings!

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Geaton,

Can’t hoarders be cured? Is it an addiction to objects? I’m going to have to research this topic.

I get sentimental attachment to a loved object but I don’t understand why a person would keep soiled trash around. Or just junk. I couldn’t understand why my deceased brother didn’t throw away old junk mail. I throw junk mail out as soon as I get it.

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I can speak from personal experience on this subject. I had to keep a lot of our things in boxes all through our 46 yr. marriage cause we moved so often when our kids were growing up. I never had a China cabinet like most other women had to put their good dishes, etc. in so many of our wedding gifts and keepsakes that I hoped to show our grandkids were in the boxes. Anyone else would have gone through them sooner, but with my being in so much pain all the time prevented me to do so. People that don’t live with constant pain have no idea and my family fits that bill to a T! My husband has been threatening to get a dumpster and throw all of the boxes away for at least a couple of years and with him and our son I knew that if I started going through them, they wouldn’t allow me to keep anything anyways. So last month my husband and I went on a 2 week driving vacation to see relatives which was to be for a relaxing time away - little did I know that he had directed our 3 kids to get rid of everything! My sister drove by our house while we were gone and there was that big dumpster. My husband has a car collection that he has had for a few years in a cabinet that is safe and sound, but my stuff had to go. I will never be able to share any mementos or physical memories with our grandkids; I also sold Avon for over 9 yrs. and had earned their Presidents Club dolls like Royal Doltons that I always left in the boxes until one day I could display them in a cabinet like his cars - they even gave them away UNBELIEVABLE that my loved ones hurt me like this! And there were no mouse turds around them either. This is a part of us, not just things!

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I’m so sorry. Those things had meaning to you and it is sad that your husband deceived you with the help of your kids.

I don’t have grandchildren so I can’t speak directly to that issue but I did have a lovely grandmother that I adored. She had a very small shotgun house in New Orleans. She didn’t have room for a lot of things.

She did have a few porcelain birds that she loved. I don’t think they were terribly expensive or anything but she loved birds. I guess I was about 5 or so, I tried to pick up one of the little birds up to hold and grandma quickly told me to look with my eyes and not my hands. I knew she meant business! She never laid a hand on me. She just gave me that ‘look.’ That’s all it took.

Your grandchildren will love you for you, not what you have. They will visualize those items in their imagination and love you just the same as if you showed it to them. Of course it isn’t the same to you and I wish that your husband would have handled it differently. Again, I am sorry and I thank you for explaining this. It helps me to understand the meaning behind what others consider to be clutter.

Do you at least have photos of the objects that you cherished the most?

Your situation doesn’t sound like a hoarding issue but rather sentimental memories.

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We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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