My brother and I moved our 78 year old mentally ill mother closer to me. She is an extreme hoarder and even worse housekeeper. We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. There is no storage!! Her house was toxic and there were very few things worth saving. We saved pictures and family items, but she keeps asking for things in storage and I don't know what to do? My brother is back in CA now and I am all alone in this. I never wanted to lie to her about the storage but I also knew that it was the only way we could get her out of the apartment to help her. There were mice feces, bugs, dirt everywhere. Any suggestions would be helpful, because if and when she finds out, there is going to be hell to pay I am sure.
Her children lost all of their childhood mementos thanks to her, and now face what you're facing with your mother. Hoarding hurts a lot of people, I know. So sorry for what you're going thru, Elaine. Sending You a hug
What are you gonna do here? Nothing.
All the best.
With luck you can break a simple question about wanting her ‘stuff’ into very detailed, complex and forgettable discussions that side track the big question.
The bottom line is you did what you had to and certainly have no reason to feel guilty. I am sure you don’t regret pitching out trash that couldn’t be saved.
It sounds like your concern may be about the backlash from upsetting your mom. I agree with just substituting items that she asks about. Or even as Alva suggested too, just tell her that those items were ruined with rodent feces.
I understand the people from the depression era saving things but what I don’t understand is a person saving something that is ruined. That is truly puzzling to me.
Not everyone who is a hoarder has dementia but does dementia make it worse? Just curious.
Best of luck to you.
In her stage of life and particular situation, she may need this comfort and link to her past. I wouldn't want to break that link with the reality that the items have been destroyed.
Since my father died and my closest family are now gone, I find myself drifting back not only to what we did together, but presents we gave each other, which sometimes mean more in the long run than they did at time of gifting.
Sometimes I'll see something my parents or sister bought me for a birthday or holiday, and it evokes very strong memories. At this time in my life while I'm acclimating to being totally alone, I need those mental ties.
The therapeutic fib could look like this:
You can go so far as to bring her small storage boxes (fake, you prepare them) from "storage".
These made up boxes can include:
A mix of family items and saved pictures that you did keep.
Clean laundry that you have taken home to wash.
Anything "new" that you have purchased for her needs.
Snacks and cookies to distract her.
A new toothbrush, hairbrush.
Get creative.
If she says "I don't remember this", just say you added that to the box because you thought she would like it.
Leave the box for her to go through. Then take the box home, refill it
for next time she asks. When you take the box home, be sure it has some things she won't miss so you can recycle it back to her in the next box you bring from "storage". Think of it as a CARE PACKAGE.
My mom was a hoarder (it wasn’t nasty at that point, just piles of junk, furniture, & clothes she’d never be able to use) when she lost the use of a leg & could no longer walk or drive. Now, she is in a nursing home, with dementia, and 9 months later she still asks about her stuff & fusses at me for getting rid of it! We just tell her she couldn’t bring it with her so we gave it to people who really needed it & sold what we could. My husband’s aunt is also a hoarder, has spent thousands of dollars for someone to clean her house, and then she starts all over again. Very, very sad.
For the first week she asked about things, after that she couldn't even remember what was in the house.
Hoarding is a mental disorder. Me, I like the truth, I would just tell her, if she gets angry, so be it, she will get over it. Anyway, she will just start collecting more junk, it is part of the disease.
Is it always the same thing she is looking for? Does she forget and then ask for something else another time? Maybe hold her off with "I cant get there this week" or "I tried to find it the other day but must have looked in the wrong box, I'll look again when I have more time" or "Oh brother borrowed that, I'll ask him to bring it back the next time he visits"
Is it something small you can find a replacement for and bring her? Even if its not an exact match she may just think she forgot the details.