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My narcissistic mother with mod dementia- has had these crazy outbursts at me- scapegoat- specifically - at public and/ or family events. It is humiliating for me. I do not wish to go grey rock or "no contact" with my other family members- who I love. Yes- some are flying monkeys for survival. I think they are secretly glad they are not the ones in the hot seat. My mother is ok - even friendly - when we are alone. I do not understand why she would create publicly embarrassing situations for me. One very helpful thing - has been to sit right beside her at the table, so I am out of her line of vision- at public gatherings. Please send suggestions for dealing with holiday or public gatherings. If I speak up-and call her on her behavior publicly- when it happens- people who are not aware- can think you are the evil one. I also do not want to make a public scene - much worse. What a mess. Please send suggestions that have helped you survive public events. Thank you for your understanding and compassion on this forum.

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Stop taking her out. If she needs a target, she will have to pick out a new one. Instead of insulting her kids, my mom told hospital staff enough lies to turn us over to Adult Protective Services. (2 adult kids who took her shopping, out for dinner, for drives, to the mall, and with enough food in the house to feed neighbors and every closet full of her clothes). Then we had random, unannounced visits. There is NO amount of attention that is enough for a narcissist.
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She has dementia and doesn't know what she's doing, so don't even consider calling her out. That's cruel and pointless.

I suggest she not attend holiday or public gatherings at all. It's upsetting and disorienting for a dementia patient, and since you might be the only truly familiar face, that's who she goes for. If people want to visit her, have them come to her place in smaller numbers instead.

There's really no rationale for any of it, so stop trying to understand why she's doing what she does. Remove the stimulation for that behavior, and both of you will rest easier.
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Jannner Dec 2021
Not true. If she didn’t know she wouldn’t pick and chose her target. My mother’s neurologist showed me her damaged areas (vascular dementia probably mixed with some developing Alzheimer’s) via CT scan . Her skewed behavior was determined by those areas.
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It’s a difficult situation I’m sure. I chose no contact with my narcissistic mother when I decided my mental health and well-being had to come first. Very difficult boundary to set and maintain but I’m better for it. Not to over-simplify your situation but it appears you have two choices. Either learn to accept her treatment of you in public or don’t take her in public. We get to live our lives how we choose. Sometimes the right decisions are not the easy ones. Remember you owe NO ONE any explanations on how you live your life. Good luck!
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Gooddog Dec 2021
I just did the same. My mother screams in my face and berates me,
accuses me of stealing, speaks poorly of me. I've done SO much for her and it's extremely upsetting. I had to step away. My blood pressure was so high and I felt so terrible I thought I'd have a stroke.
Thankfully, three neighbors stepped in and help her. She is so sweet to them. They believe her stories about me but I can't control that. I have to take care of me. First time ever. Narcissism is very hard to deal with.
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Where are these holiday gatherings? Are you expected to take your mother with you? Does she live with you? Or you with her?

Honestly, I'd skip the holiday gatherings and give yourself a break. The Omicron variant will be circulating amongst many families and holiday gatherings this year.
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Why take her out anyplace? It’s obviously too stressful for the both of you.
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Debstarr53 Dec 2021
I was wondering the same thing.
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My mother was the same diagnosis. It got worse as her dementia got worse except occasionally she’d forget who I was which was momentarily a relief . I cut off as much association as I could. It never changed, even though I was the only sibling willing to let her have hospice at home and the only one who dealt with her for the last critical months of her life, her last words to me were cruel as usual. It DOES NOT change! My mother was worse when we were alone so I always had my husband with me if I had to take her to the dr or something similar. In your case I’d make sure you are only alone.
Please remember as a scapegoat you have been trained to think your feelings are unimportant , her’s reign supreme but that is completely untrue. Don’t take her. If someone else wants her there, let them take her while you stay as far away from her as possible( out of sight out of mind). You deserve freedom from abuse and bullying. They will never see her for what she is unless she pulls the same with them so don’t expect them to.
honestly the most relief I ever felt was when I permanently walked away from her because I finally understood the problem was her and I never deserved her treatment nor was I obliged to allow her to treat me the way she did. Of course she hated me for it even more but oh well, her loss. As her medical POA I did my duty but not with her around and with minimal contact. You aren’t obligated to allow it either. Don’t let her bully you, just stop the association.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
you’re right, it’s exactly that: bullying.

and as you said:
“I never deserved her treatment”

some of us are very unjustly/meanly treated.

hugs!!
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I have found in my experience that people need to learn how to differentiate the personality from the disease. I have a friend right now whose mother has been a hateful, spiteful person her whole life. The disease only exasperates it. My sweet daddy only became more gentle and loving.
People on here who criticize the writer do not know what she is going through. If Mom was a sweetheart her whole life nad became like this because of the disease, that's one thing. But personalities and who a person is is unlikely to change.
My advice to the writer, control how often you take her out. Period. If she has a problem, and this is a part of her personality, then the ball is in her ocurt. If you get along fine privately, cherish those. She won't live forever and you don't want any regrets.
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Santalynn Dec 2021
Spot on; my mom's dementia decline exacerbated her 'ornery' personality; and same with my sweet, kind dad! And I agree to not expose yourself to this stressful and unfair treatment by limiting outings; plus we must still minimize Covid exposure for all.
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I have several comments. First of all, stop at once putting her into "public" situations where others can see and hear her. It is unacceptable and must not be allowed. So no outings where she has the opportunity. Second, if you are somewhere and she acts out, I would make sure before hand that people know her problems and you have not been able to control her or stop her. At least they are aware. Now if she acts out, I would do one of two things: I would really let her have it and tell her to be quiet and behave (which she won't do) so be prepared at once to escort her out and away into another area away from everyone. Then you go back to the "fun". People like this deserve nothing if they are so mean and rude. I would not tolerate it ever.
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Is she with it enough that she will realize she is left behind? I personally would not ruin my Holiday for a person who has no idea what she is saying or doing. Can you hire someone to sit with her?

Is she like this in the beginning of the party? Is she sundowning? Could it be she is getting tired. My Mom lasted about an hour and then was ready to go home. She got overwhelmed with too much going on and too many people. Maybe taking Mom for a short time and then taking her home with a sitter. Then u can enjoy the rest of the party.
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RichCapableSon Dec 2021
How gross a way to look at the person that gave birth to you. You have no idea what this woman can remember. Some AD patients remember the person that hurts them. Late stage AD patient goes to the chiropractor in Alabama. He cracks her back while she's lying face down on his cot. It does that chiropractor cot break down, and he body goes down a couple of inches. She gets upset because he shoved on her so hard, not realizing she could take it that way, as a battery on her person.

She got up and told everybody what he did on the way out. the next week she let me take her back saying nothing about the "battery" and we go in and then from the waiting area go into the treatment room right away. First thing he asks is how are you doing, and first thing she says is You're not going to hurt me this week like you did last week. the doctor's eyes got big and he looked at me with eyebrows raised, and I said, Doc, something about the memory and inflicted pain, she remembers what it was and who did it. that's probably going to turn out to be a pathway to use for recovery in the future. Late stage for this lady was almost a decade before. Full doses of aricept and namenda and lorazepam. with my treatment I was able to take her off lorazepam and cut the aricept by half. I never saw such a recover from Alzheimer as that. And over 95 at that.

AD is caused in great part by inflammation of the brain. don't let anybody tell you otherwise. People I help get better not worse. Proof is in the pudding.
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Pick and choose your gatherings. Keep her visits short and sweet with others. She probably cannot manage the stimulation for long. In some ways it is like managing an over tired toddler in a grocery store. Too much going on, too few inner controls, too exhausted. Do budget some quality time for yourself with these people. Get a sitter for your Mom at those times. Make it clear that they are welcome to visit her at home; I doubt many will. Do not let your life pass you by to try and maintain something for her that is gone.
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