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I would not go to the nursing home so often to see my family member if he/she no longer recognized me and they were well taken care of. Be at peace that you have done all that you could and that she/he no longer "needs" the relationship you once had.
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I have been taking care of my mother's older sister, who is 84, for two and a half years now. She has incontinence and has many memory problems. She takes just one medication, a diuretic. She is skin and bones and is approx. 5'7". I bought her a three-wheeled Winnie Walker six months after I went to Porland, OR from my home in Florida to get her. She was a real opinionated, know-it-all, firm in her beliefs type lady. To the point of alienating all of her family members. I am the only one that ever spent any time with her. She has been estranged from my sweet mother for many, many years. I read all of your posts on what you are going through and it makes me realize I have easy.....just cleaning feces off of her butt twice a day and wherever else she gets it. Just had to put her in the shower because she was so messed up. People with incontinence are in a constant state of denial, too. Never admit your Depends are soiled! Ugh. She will probably live longer than I will.
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Quit going? So just let your parent suffer alone with no love? omg you are kidding! It doesnt matter if they know you or not. In fact no one wants to be alone, they are lonely, confused, depressed and so scared! They need touching and loving! The NH's dont have time for comforting them. I am so upset to think someone would do that. We get what we give, thats all I can say, and deservingly so!
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Rachele, you are doing very appropriate things with your mother. You are feeling very appropriate feelings, too. You have suffered great losses, and there are more to come.

If you are a reader and can take comfort from books, I highly recommend "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss. This therapist talks about "ambiguous loss" -- the fact that we mourn for our loved ones while they are still living. Their bodies are there but their minds and personalities are not completely there.

Hugs to you. Keep hugging Mom!
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RR, my heart sank reading the 'quit going' recommendation, too; but this is a school of thought, and a point of view that - I suppose - deserves as much respect as any other. Here in the UK a high-profile sports personality went public recently about how he'd chickened out of visiting his father (I think it was his father); which to be frank I did despise him for, but mainly because he hadn't supported his mother who continued to visit. He wasn't proud of it, but he was honest about his feelings - which I think is the point. You have to know what you can handle, then do your best to meet the challenges.

But we can still wish for people - especially big tough guys like him - to man up a bit..!
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It sounds like you're doing a terrific job! If she's still able to, something that I did with my Dad was to put family pics on one of those frames that change pictures every few seconds and just go thru them with him and tell him who they are and whatt was going on during that pic. He remembered more than I thought he would and even if he couldn't talk alot, he smiled!
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