My Dad has 100% VA disability due to severe asbestosis, my Mom though not disabled, won't do much. Both of them sit around in pajamas all day long and are depressed, and yes, they are both on depression and/or anxiety meds - not helping much. I helped (did all of the paperwork, phone calls and related emails) and my Dad get his VA disability, a ramp and a walk in shower. (He hates the ramp and now hates the shower but at first wanted both. I am at my wits end.) I pick up their commodity boxes and take them to his medical appointments. I manage his meds, ordering and checking on refills for him. I, as well as my daughter, fill water jugs from my well for them. My daughter cooks, cleans and runs shopping errands for them. Neither one of them will keep an appointment with a lawyer to do their wills or POA. Every time an appointment is made , they cancel it. I just went through a run of 24/7 caregiving with my MIL who had severe dementia and passed last March. We had POA for her and it was hard enough to negotiate all of her caregiving needs with that; I cannot even imagine what I have in store for me if my parents are unwilling to do the necessary paperwork to help them when they are unable to help themselves. My sister lives here but is very self involved, she won't even fill water jugs for them and my brother lives in the southern states and cannot help. It seems to be falling on me and my daughter, at least the caregiving parts. The sad thing is that my Mom won't even make a meal, so if my daughter doesn't, it doesn't get done. Myself and my daughter are afraid that if no one gets meals for them they will both get malnutrition. My Mom gravitates to cupcakes, bread & molasses and other sweet things but not food with nutrition and my Dad does the same with cookies, candy & ice cream. It's like having toddlers again only grown up versions that are your parents and get mad at you for pointing out that they need to prepare and eat meals, not sweets bought at the store.... My Dad is obsessed with money - how much he has, what it is spent on, etc., and gets very ugly tempered about it. He also has panic attacks about attending any appointment or just leaving the house. My mother sits around all day and watches tv and reads. Did I mention that they both live in their pajamas 24/7? Their behavior both frustrates and angers me at times. He will be 80 and she will be 77 in July. They supposedly do not have dementia. What can I do?
As for getting one's parents to update or create Wills and Power of Attorney, we need to use "theraputic fibs" for their best interest. My parents had dragged their feet on their legal paperwork that was older then dirt. I told Dad his Will was so out of date that the government would take half of his estate. I know that was a fib, but it did get my parents over to the Elder Law Attorney to update all the legal documents :)
Do they like fruit? A basket of oranges and bananas sitting on the table might tempt them. Nothing to prepare!
Since Dad is very focused on finances, whatever creative incentive you make up should probably be about money.
A lawyer came to our house for my husband to sign all the paperwork. Maybe you could gift your parents new pajamas for the occasion!
You are absolutely right that getting the paperwork done and affairs in order will make your life easier and also make sure that their wishes are respected.
I'm one of seven children and none of us could convince Mother to do POAs or a healthcare directive. (We didn't care much about a will because we knew there was nothing to bequeath in any case.) One of Mother's nephews died. His children said he would not wish for his life to be extended artificially, but he hadn't put that in writing and there was no healthcare directive. So the hospital rules applied and he remained hooked up to machines for a certain number of days, according to the guidelines. Mom felt very bad about that and understood the value of making one's wishes known, but she still would not make out her own.
Not having that paperwork was never an obstacle for us taking care of her. It is pretty amazing, but the 4 girls never had conflicts, and discussed each issue as it came up. The 3 boys were OK with us making decisions. (We kept them informed.) The doctors and nursing home staff we dealt with were willing to let us make decisions. They did ask Mother if that was all right, but they didn't get that in writing.
So don't despair. This will all work out with or without the paperwork. But having it will be very worthwhile. I hope you can come up with something that persuades them to do it.
There is one piece of this that doesn't require a lawyer or even a notary. The healthcare directive can be a do-it-yourself project. There are many good forms available online, at no cost. And it has nothing to do with finances, which should be reassuring to Dad. After they've filled it out their signature (each on their own document) needs to be witnessed. This can be by a notary but it can also be by two witnesses. The witnesses don't have to see the content -- they just need to witness that the person who signed it in front of them is known to them and is the person the signature says it is.
As they sit around in their pj's 24/7, I'm wondering if they're bathing?
Please see if their town has a Council on Aging, which should have on staff a social worker. That dedicated person could get the necessary documents done. Your parents will be more inclined to listen to someone other than yourself. I had to use my mother's town's social worker, because, after all, "I wasn't telling the truth." Of course I was telling the truth; she just didn't like it.
As for dad not liking the ramp and the shower, he probably thought of them as "old age," instead of needed assists. I hope when I reach the age of needing a ramp/assist that I will say "Oh, yes, please!" I don't want to become belligerent.
This site has very regular posts from carers of people in their eighties and nineties, whose bodies have outlived both their minds and their interest in living, with bitter comments about the medical profession who have engineered all this. Other carers are spoon-feeding elders for hours at a time, when the recipient keeps trying to spit the food out. Neither the time commitment nor the medical support was an option in Biblical times, when every family member had to work hard. Perhaps ‘fading away’ is the way God planned us to go.
None of this helps with your paperwork problems, but it might give you some consolation about other issues you are facing. There is a song that says ‘the sooner it’s over, the sooner we sleep’.
If nothing else, you may have to get their doctor involved, or social services. OR...is there someone they would trust that you could have talk to them, and even help them with the paperwork instead of you. I would try to make this a priority and then you can back off on all the caregiving (as much as you dare) and, perhaps, let their poor choices take them where they may. You can't let this drive you nuts to the point of endangering your own mental and physical health. I'll be praying you can come to the perfect solutions. Message me if you wish, and I will support you!
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