I'm not sure I mentioned this in my first message (which was so warmly received last week and I thank you all!) but my mother also has uncontrollable angry outbursts that can last anywhere from half an hour to all night long. She becomes the nastiest, meanest, angriest person I've ever seen. It's like I'm watching the Exorcist and wouldn't be one bit surprised to see her head spin around.
She's in a wheelchair but thinks she can walk. She can't even transfer from bed to chair to toilet, etc. by herself and screams at people when they try to help her. We live in fear of her anger because we're brainwashed into thinking her feelings matter the most and you MUST NOT UPSET the person with dementia! I feel like screaming at her, "You have dementia and don't know what the @#%$@#$%^ you're talking about!! The reason you don't know you can't walk is because you have dementia. Dementia. DEMENTIA. It's not everyone else who can't remember, it's YOU."
Yes, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I never actually say it. I scream it inside my head when I try for the 1200th time to tell her that "your Dr. just wants to make sure you're safe, that's why people are here to help you".
We are looking into memory care now. And yet despite all I've written, I'm still torn. About 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being. I have pictures in my head of her sitting alone in her room scared, lost, confused and alone. It breaks my heart. At the same time, I'm coming to hate this woman who used to be my mother. And lemme tell you, she wasn't that much more amiable before she had dementia. She's always been narcissistic and me-centric. She never had one iota of self-awareness or accountability. Everything was always someone else's fault. She is still that person times a million now. I keep hoping she'll someday become a fun dementia patient who says goofy things and wears silly hats and laughs at the little things. Yes, I realize I'm delusional.
So, I write to you, dear warrior friends. You get it. You know the feelings without me even having to type them, but type them I do. Sending them out into the universe where they have fallen on compassionate ears and hearts. I so appreciate the response I got to my first note. I haven't felt that in a long time. That feeling that I'm not alone. I'm not in this by myself fighting for my sanity. I feel like we're all in this together. My dearest wish is that some of these words help some of you as you've helped me in your response.
That's it for tonight. Tomorrow? Onward and upward, right?
P.S. It just dawned on me that I haven't asked a question! My question is, what are your most successful distractions when your LO is uncontrollably angry?
Thank you :)
I learned when my Aunt has her out burst, I let her get it out, yes, let her get it out of her system, and I do not respond to anything she says. If no one responds then she stops eventually. Like no one is listening. Her out burst use to last as long as your Mom's, now they last for 30mins at a time.
They do learn even with dementia all that screaming and yelling doesn't change anything. Now my Aunt get prescription from doctor to calm her and it worked. We have not had an out burst for 3 whole weeks now. Knock on wood...
Ask you Mom's Doctor if he can prescribe meds to calm her if possible. Stay strong, we all know the struggles as caregivers.
The calming effect, as well as helping her arthritis pain, is amazing. She's not out of it or stoned because there's no THC in it, just calmer. And able to communicate better, and I think happier overall. I'd research interactions with her current medications as it didn't mix well with the Seroquel they had my mom on at night. Fortunately, we were able to stop the Seroquel and she sleeps just fine.
Good luck!
The nurses at her new home took her off all those drugs, get her up and involved in daily activities that engage her mind and body. Now she is on a regular schedule, is eating well, sleeping well, and is not having periods of agitation. They administer melatonin when she’s restless at night because the dementia messes up the biorhythms and causes them to have disrupted day/night cycles.
Diverting.
Sometimes I leave and ask ministers and counselors to call him.
Most times I’m able to gently hold both his ears ( so he gives ME all his attention) and kiss him and again tell him we are a team, and we love each other. Then divert !!!
You have my prayers.
And I believe she remembered that because now she does not try to get up.
Before meds I got a wireless ear plugs. I would listen to music, books, or even music while he was screaming. I would just turn up the volume and nod.
You could also have someone come for 48 or 72 hours, for respite care and not go to the house. Then at the end of the time see how YOU feel. Because now it needs to be about you. Dementia is a terminal illness for her. Dont make it one for you. Also when you return to the situation see if she even knows you have not been there. Walk in and say, is there anything you need, and act like you have been there.
Then I think you will have the info you need to make an informed decision. Also think if you drop dead from a heart attack because of the stress who will take care of your mom.? Stress can kill. If your mom was a great or poor mom the real question is if you want to allow this horrible disease to take 2 victims. You need to be a survivor to help the ones on this newsletter.
If she starts screaming, leave the room and return when she stops..
You really don't need to keep saying to her that she's got dementia as she probably doesn't even know what you're talking about.
If she thinks she can get up, let her try and she'll see that she can't instead of hearing you say she can't.
In the meantime time, don't leave a walker by her so she won't try to use it and fall when no one is around.
My 96 yr old Dad had Dementia and all he can do is stand up with help to a walker from his recliner,, then take about 4 little steps just enough to turn to sit in his wheelchair. He has chosen to sleep in his recliner so he is basically there 24 7 except for meals and to go to the toilet.
You might take a Video of your mom acting out and the 30 minutes a day when she's ok, show it to her so she can see and believe her actions.
You can also set up a camera to watch her so when nothing else works, walk out of the room.
See if you can get her interested in something on tv maybe old movies, cooking show, dancing show, ect.
Bup some of her favorite foods and when she's getting out of control offer her ice cream.
Remember it takes a whole lot of PATIENCE
My Dad has very short term memory. I can say something and he won't remember 5 minutes later but don't remind your mom you already said something, just calm say it again and again and again.
Juse put yourself in their shoes, it has to be so scary and frustrating not to know what to do.
My Dad is always saying what do I do now and he'll even answer himself and say I don't know.
My Dad seems to like to snack alot so maybe your mom is hungry and she doesn't know how to tell you.
I have on hand lots of easy snacks like yougurt,
breakfast bars applesauce, ect and lots of milk.
Prayers
I give my mom chewing gums. They are low calorie and long lasting, I also give her pistachio nuts with shells on. She has to get the shells off one nut at a time before eating. That gives her something to do and keeps her busy and distracted.
Have you talked to her doctor about medication that may help control the anger and anxiety? (If it does not work for her you can take it...KIDDING!!!)
It does sound like Memory Care would be the best option for you (and her)
And I have to tell you that your reaction is not yours alone. If there is a caregiver that tells you that they have not gotten angry, lost their temper they are flat out lying. You can not do what "we" do (or have done) day in and day out and not get angry or loose your temper. the best you can do is realize what the triggers are for you and try not to fall into the trap. As I have said before ya know how fish don't get caught? They don't take the bait. So try not to take the bait. Easy to say hard to follow through.
Wheelchair or not if the anger becomes dangerous to you or anyone else caring for her your safest option might be to call 911 and explain the situation and that she may be a danger to herself or to you. This is why medication might be a good option.
If she is trying to get out of the wheelchair can you tilt it back to make it more difficult for her to try to get out of it? It would be safer for her. In your home you could place a tray that attaches to the chair that will prevent her from getting out. In a facility that would not be allowed as it would be considered a "restraint". There are also alarms that can attach to the chair and to her clothing so if she tries to get up the alarm will be set off.
Another thought..would she wear headphones and you could play music that might distract her.
Giving her a project to do. Puzzles, blocks, magazines if you have a paper shredder giving her stacks of paper to shred. Anything that might be a distraction.
Hang in there.
However, from what another poster wrote I agree that this may stem from anxiety and fear over losing control. Once you recognize the root of the problem, then the solution is to do what you can to alleviate that fear. Either with an anti-anxiety medication or a sedative of some sort. Routine and familiarity is also very important, as it will give their mind a sense of control.
Meanwhile, you need to address your own issues. I hope you are getting some counseling, and take some time to do something for yourself.
so u do understand. My mother in law was sweet but she got pretty nasty as her dementia progressed.
Your mother will be hateful and miserable wherever she is. So why should everyone else be miserable too. I would place her and substitute your visions of her alone in her room in memory care with visions of you have a peaceful cup of coffee while curled up reading a book knowing she is taken care of. Hopefully she has money to pay for a facility.
She stopped talking when I asked her my name. She said her sister's name. I said,
No, that is not my name... :( That is is your sister's name. They were very close, I understand.. I was trying to make a point... Wish I didn't. She actually stopped talking after that..
And I still argue with my loved ones......... Yes, I am a slow learner... Hopefully, I will get it right one of these days before I lose all my loved ones....
My friend told me, I do not have to accept every "invitation " meaning arguments etc. . I am not good at that... I try to stay away from some invitations.
GN everyone... Love the people around you. Nobody is perfect. And if you are actually writing and complaining about them. usually means they are an important part of your life, being, etc. In some small way, you love them or they mean something special to you - and it is okay - in anyway, they are in your mind, soul, heart. learn, heal, listen, and teach from this experience. forgive. they may not even know how they are affecting you.
if it doesn’t work, at least you can eat it and keel better for a minute!
I read your post just as my LO was calling me telling me very angrily to come and get him out because “he’s in prison “. He’s in one of the best MC facilities. His PCP comes at least once a month to check him and other patients in his care. I was just told me he has t seen doctor in 3 years! Up until recently these accusatory statement would Put me in a dark place but because of help I’m getting and just today reading your post, I have zero quilt and am thankful that I’m able to keep him in this fine facility where every need is being met with a team of professionals and he’s safe. I tried to care for my LO at home with home care helpers . None of the helpers he felt were good enough so I was it. To Attempt to take care of an abusive dementia soul is beyond impossible. If at all within your means find a memory care facility. You both will be better off.
Take care of yourself....stay well.
As for yourself, you need to have a broader support network. You need some time to get away from caregiving and regain your own life - because you matter too! If you can't get enough sleep or time away to do something fun for yourself, it may be time for a memory care unit.
I used to walk on eggshells around them. Trying to not do or say anything that might possibly make their mood worse or create that mood in them. I used to absolutely stew inside, the feelings this created in me almost like a volcano that needed to erupt but was tamped down and tamped down until it imploded inwards instead of outwards.
Then one day, I think it might have been while I was in the midst of watching my mom's health slowly day by day deteriorate, and then watch her eventually lose her battle and die, that I decided screw this! I'm done dealing with this selfish pri*k. Here I am devastated cause I am losing the person closest to me and still putting up with this sh*t. Why should I? Why did I ever for that matter?
I think when you finally realize that there are so many more important things in the world and that life is too short to tolerate abuse. And yes, this is abuse. Don't kid yourself. Walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat when that boat basically rocks by itself anyways, is no way to live. I don't do it anymore. I withdraw, leave the room, ignore them. But I don't feed into it anymore. I don't acknowledge it and therefore don't give it room to breathe.
My advice for what it's worth. Don't put up with it. Let them have their tantrum all alone. If no one is there to watch I'm sure it won't be as much fun for them cause they are getting some satisfaction from disrupting your life or they would not keep doing it.
and sometimes it feels it's a no win situation.
tantrum.. I feel those too...perhaps they don't even realize these tantrum episodes affect people around them.. maybe they are just lost in their own abyss. they don't have reason to care or acknowledge.
Don’t try to reason with her...that is impossible. She won’t remember her screaming session 10 minutes later...HUGS!!!! 🤗
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
Read that statement over a few times and let it sink in. And then refer to it when you feel 'guilty' that you're placing your mother where she BELONGS, in a Memory Care ALF.
My mother is also a passive aggressive (covert) narcissist who lives in a Memory Care ALF, thank God. She's doing fine over there and has an entire staff of people to wait on her hand and foot. There's even a nurse named Nina who's onto her.........knows how to deal with her manipulations beautifully, which is a Godsend to me. Nina and I talk on the phone and that's how I'm able to stay current of my mother's latest shenanigans. And that's what are: Lies, Manipulations and Shenanigans.
I call her on the phone 6 evenings a week (she thinks I work full time, and I keep that idea intact for obvious reasons). My DH calls her the other evening when I have 'a headache'. She's always nice to him b/c he's The Outsider and Her Mask is In Place. With me, she's a witch. We window visit with her every Sunday at 1 pm for 25 minutes which is PLENTY. Covid has been somewhat of a life saver in the visiting routine, to be perfectly honest. I get a stomach ache every evening before calling her b/c I don't know HOW foul her mood is going to be and how nasty she'll be treating me. Whether I'll need to let her know I'm hanging up now Mom & will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood, or whether I'll have to be listening to how She Wants To Die and You're Not Praying HARD Enought for me TO Die. So even that I'm doing wrong.
You get the drift.
She's also in a wheelchair, chronically in pain, chronically negative and angry, but she's someone ELSE'S problem for 23.5 hours each day, not MINE. What I give is plenty, and includes all her finances, doctors, specialists, hospitals, rehabs, etc etc. As an only child, I bear the brunt of ALL of her angst. And I don't deserve it, either.
So. Successful distractions? Hanging up the phone when the angst is too great. Changing the subject over and over again. Having DH call instead of me b/c, like I said, she won't put on the Ugly Face for an outsider. Gossip and bad mouthing others is another thing that keeps my mother happy, IF I was willing to engage in that kind of negativity, which I'm normally not. She loves nothing better than trash talking others........that will keep her amused and distracted for hours on end, truth be told.
The best thing you can do is to move forward with the Memory Care placement. No human being should be subjected to 23.5 hrs each day of uncontrolled anger from her mother, for ANY reason. Nobody has that right, even a person with dementia. YOUR life is just as important as HER life, since you're both human beings and children of God. Your mother is not 'deserving of considerations that you (as her victim) are NOT.'
Keep all that in mind as you move forward with your plans. You are doing the right thing. Good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Cheering you on from the sidelines!
Fantastic posting! Thanks for sharing.
I have only one word to describe what this woman wrote, TRUTH!
It’s all so true!
It takes a while to absorb it before we can accept the truth but once we do, oh boy! We can make necessary changes for the better!
If someone is verbally or physically abusive to you, walk away. Stop "doing" for them. If they are in your home and you cannot get them on the right meds to control their behavior, start eviction procedings. If you are in their home, leave, call APS and report them as vulnerable and go to a shelter.
Folks say "oh but I couldn't....". Yes. Yes you can.
Either walk away when the abuse starts and tell yourself that it's the disease, or if you can't do that, take the steps above. But don't stick around for the abuse to damage you.
Keep saying it, Barb! I am eternally grateful that you spoke to me without sugarcoating your words. They were exactly what I needed to hear.
Let me be the first to say a very loud, AMEN!
Any other people care to join in?
I will throw in an Hallelujah too! 😊
--it helps release the toxic anger you're bottling up inside. This anger if not released will destroy your health mentally and physically.
--that horrible woman deserves it meaning she should be screamed at, like a child that needs to be taught. She will learn, at least temporarily, that her behavior is not tolerated and she might stop. Wouldn't that be nice?
If you don't want to scream at her to make her stop, then I would suggest as soon as she starts her tantrum, you immediately leave her/ walk away even if you're in the middle of helping her with whatever. She may learn that her tantrum results in being abandoned. Tell her you will come back when she stops screaming. Do not stay to absorb all the toxics she's releasing.
Unfortunately my Mom too tried to get up if no one was right with her, she ended up trying to get out of bed at the facility a while ago and fell, fracturing her femur. Her decline has been swift since then.
My Mom is moving past the rage stage, she is further along in the disease and unresponsive much of the time. My Mom was also an angry person her whole life.
Take care of you please.