This has been a challenging situation. First, I love my mom. We have always had a rocky relationship though, always arguing, rarely see eye to eye, but we’ve always been there for each other. She is divorced and single for a long time. Awful with finances but even still enjoys the finer things in life. Needed upgrades for her townhome, had to buy an expensive vehicle, when she shouldn’t etc. We’ve tried talking to her about these things but there’s a fine line as she’s a grown adult and I felt I was impinging on her privacy when opening discussions and just led to arguments. She had a full time job and was struggling many years ago when in her 60s. There were no options to help her other than have her move in with my husband and kids. It was a challenge, we always fought etc. We couldn’t do it anymore and she found an apartment (luxury). (She has two pets so it’s hard to find apartments that’ll take those pets.) She lived there for a few years and fast forward to now, my husband and kids moved into a larger home to accommodate our needs. At the same time, my mom got laid off and she is essentially retired and again, needed somewhere to live so she moved in with us again, no other options, thinking a bigger home may help give us more space, although I knew it may not. She is 72, in good health but has no hobbies other than the internet. I’ve tried to get her to get out of the house, join a club or something, so we have some more privacy during the day (I’m a homeschooling mom) but she sits in the living room much of the day. I understand she’s retired and wants to do nothing but it drives me nuts. I have a brother but he has a small twin home and neither one of us can afford to help her financially at this time. She refused low-income housing years ago and now there is a three-year wait list. She is now filling out the forms for it. I’m trying so hard to make this work but it just feels like I can’t relax or be myself in my own home. The other issue is she has two elderly animals, a large dog and a cat, that create additional noise and problems. Her dog peed twice on my carpet and now has diarrhea. We have a staircase and I know this will get even more challenging for both my mom and her dog as they age. My brother is looking into some moves he can make so she can live with him as it’ll be a one-floor rancher (better for her and dog in the long-term) and she has a different dynamic with him than with me. I can’t imagine they’d argue the same as her and I. Thing is I am not certain my brother’s plan will pan out. We won’t know until January. She says she is continuing to look. Just trying to wrap my head around all of this because of course guilt sets in. I want her to be with us but it just feels so hard because sometimes her presence alone stresses me out because I’m always on edge around her. (She has a nervous type personality/energy that I can feel.) I’m so torn. Thoughts?
Please put her in assisted living or a nursing home of she needs a higher level of care. This is ridiculous that you have to live this way.
Your MIL weaponized suicide threats and uses them to hijack your lives with. This is pretty common with seniors. Remember people don't live to become elderly when they're serious about suicide.
Tell her she's leaving and if threatens to commit suicide tell her that this is even more reason for moving her to a nursing home so she can get care for her mental health also.
You could also call 911 when she's threatening suicide and have her brought to the hospital for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. That will usually disarm the suicide threat weapon they're using to manipulate their family with.
You feel like your life is slipping away because it is. Your MIL is holding your lives hostage. Either she gets what she wants when and how she wants it and you live your lives according to her plan or she'll kill herself. She knows her son will give into her demands. STOP!
The three of you made an agreement about living together. That she could stay as long as was independent and could do for herself. You and your husband becoming caregivers to her was not part of that agreement.
Find a facility that will take her. Or set her up in a handicapped accessible apartment that allows pets and hire a live-in caregiver. If this isn't possible, there are volunteer organizations that will take her dog, care for it, and even bring it to visit her.
Everyone has options here. You are not the only possibility.
Animals being incontinent is one thing, people being incontinent is another and very likely in her future. Elders lose their filters, and mobility, etc. and it can go on for years. I'm making a point of bringing this to the forefront so that you are more motivated to find other arrangements for her. Please do not have her move in with your brother, either. That's not a solution.
Would she be able to function on her own in AL? Can she afford it? If not, the solution is NOT for you or your brother to pay for this, as it is unsustainable and robs from your own futures (and maybe even present). This may be the time when she and you and brother visit a certified elder law attorney to make sure all her legal protections are in place so that you/brother will be able to make decisions in her best interests if/when cognitive (or medical) impairment sets in. She needs a PoA, and a Living Will. If she doesn't agree to create these protections, you'll have another poop storm looming on the horizon.
You should also consult with a Medicaid Planner, as it seems inevitable that she will need it at some point. You and brother paying to prop her up may disqualify her. That is the poopiest of poop storms.
You can also contact your local area's Agency on Aging for resources for her, and maybe consider talking to social services (a social worker) for your county to see if she qualifies for an Elder Waiver for some in-home help.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You, your own husband and your children are the first priority, not your mom. She lived an irresponsible lifestyle and now you're paying for it -- and that needs to end. I wish you mush clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you work to find a realistic solution.
I'm struck by the number of times you said "had to" in your post.
People make choices. Your mother makes poor ones and now YOU feel coerced.
Start out by finding a therapist who can help you break out of the unhealthy relationship you have with your mom. She's an adult.
The incontinent animal-- has it been seen by a vet? This is mom's problem to solve. Vet, canine/feline diapers, additional training or the animal needs to be re-homed. I trust it's mom, not you, cleaning the mess.
It needs to see a vat and have it diet monitored to figure out what is going on.
I do agree that mom should be cleaning it up and she should be paying more attention to the signals that the dog is having when it needs out.
Your mother 'says she is continuing to look' for housing. How so? Talk is cheap. If she's on the net all day, let her SHOW you how she's looking for apartments. Talk to your brother right away and see what plans he has in MOTION to get his mother moved into his home. January is 7 months away; what happens then that makes moving her in a possibility? It sounds like another way to postpone her move-in and string you along THINKING it may happen when he knows for a fact it will not. Nobody 'looks into moves' that happen 7 months down the road......not in my experience. If he wants to move to a larger house that will accommodate her, then DO IT NOW for petesake. Don't wait for HIM to make something happen here; work on making something happen YOURSELF!
In the meantime, don't be torn about making a decision to get mother out of your house. You shouldn't have taken her in again knowing what you know, having the experience you have had with her in the past, and the rocky relationship in force that you do have. I say that b/c I too had an oil & water relationship with my NERVOUS NELLIE of a mother and vowed NEVER to take her into my home, so I didn't. She tried every trick in the book to get me to cave, but I refused. She lived in IL, then AL and then finally Memory Care AL the last nearly 3 years of her life. She died in Feb of this year at 95 years old. NINETY FIVE. Your mother is 72.....
I had to move both my folks to my state 10.5 years ago when dad had to stop driving, so I could help them (only child here), and I did just that. I just did on MY terms, not mom's. If she had her druthers, they'd have moved in with me, lock stock & barrel, and ruined my entire life. Yeah, no. Not happenin ma. I loved her very much but we'd always had a dysfunctional relationship which I KNEW would continue if, God forbid, we lived together again in the same house. Once was more than enough as a kid.
Make plans now to get mother out of your house, one way or another. Whether it's your brother who steps up or you find her an affordable studio apartment to rent, or whatever. YOU may have to 'look' yourself b/c if you leave the looking to her, it may just take years on end to actually HAPPEN!
Don't let guilt drive your decisions here; let common sense and a desire to SALVAGE your relationship be the determining factor moving forward.
Best of luck to you.
Its not your fault that Mom spent her money unwisely. That, as a single woman, she did not put aside money to take care of herself when she retired. Its not your responsibility to support her. Where I live there id HUD apts. You pay 30% of your monthly income towards rent. Your responsible for electric and cable. Cable can be very basic. There are so many free streaming apps you really din't need a lot of channels.
Mom is just going to need to live a simple life. Her days of extravagance are over. She brought that on herself.
At 72 don't think Mom is ready for an AL.
It's obvious that you haven't learned how to set boundaries with your mom yet, and for that I would recommend some therapy to help you with that.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON YOUR MOM SHOULD BE LIVING WITH YOU!!!! She's a grown woman for Pete's sake and has to learn how to do life on her own, along with suffering the consequences of her poor choices.
By you continuing to take her in you are enabling her bad behavior. It's like someone who continues to go out to buy alcohol for an alcoholic, thinking that they're in some way helping them.
So take a step back, look hard at yourself in the mirror and decide today that mom has to go. And the sooner the better. You cannot wait until your brother supposedly makes room for her(as that will more than likely never happen.) She is not his responsibility either.
If she has to live in a small one room apartment because she can't afford more, well than so be it. She has done that to herself and you owe her nothing. It's time she grows up and starts taking responsibility for her own life and quits depending on her children to clean up her messes. Enough is enough!
If she is in good health, why can't she get a part time job to supplement her income? I have many friends who are in their 70's and still working.
I personally am 75 and have my own business, plus I serve on two HOA boards and 1 corporate board, the latter which is a paid position.
You are trying to figure out how to take care of her, while she is not doing a thing, it is her responsibility to plan and handle her own life, not yours.
Of course, if she has extreme dementia then she will need guidance/support but this does not seem to be the case with her.
Yes, perhaps therapy will help you to understand how to set boundaries and enforce them, these things are never easy but a solution is out there.
Consider consulting a lawyer about a formal eviction. It doesn't sound like your mom is taking your deadline seriously at all.
"Not up to par"?
Oh, my. Have you ever heard the expression "beggars can't be choosers"?
HER sense of entitlement does not equate to YOUR misery.
Now at 72 it is being contemplated AGAIN when it didn't work out the first time.
Mom has another good 30 years left in her, though they will be a downhill slide all the way.
Is this what you want for your life?
I think that both you and brother are making decisions for your own lives that I would not contemplate for a single second, so I am likely the wrong one to even comment here.
Mom has lived her life. You are now living yours. Or are you living "yours plus Mom"? Honestly that choice is all yours. You have already written us a post that tells me you know exactly what you are getting into if you do this.
I can but wish you the very very best of luck. And I DO mean that.