What do you say to a family member who doesn't agree with your care of our loved one? They see them twice a year for maybe 5 days total.

Your job is to learn how to totally ignore criticism based on fantasy. I’d be livid at your grandson, but you won’t persuade him by arguing.

If you want, you an try “I’ll give your opinion some thought” (then forget it).

But if your husband would consider taking a driving assessment, maybe offered by AARP, you’d be in a better position to decide if he should be driving or maybe shouldn’t be.

If the vision issues are in any way progressive, a baseline evaluation may be useful for you for your (his) records, if nothing else.

Sounds like you and he are definitely attempting to take care of things in a straightforward way. Good for you both.

'But our 22 yr old grandson heard me and screamed and me That I should let him drive his own damn freaking truck.'

The issue is with the 22 year old's manners - plain and simple. On what's his business, the language he uses, his tone of voice, and lack of respect for his elders.

I am so sorry your grandson spoke to you like that. The ignorance, the lack of imagination about what your life must be like with a disabled spouse, is staggering. Is he a bit of a hothead, as well?

I hope there might be a chance for him to reflect on his behavior and apologize to you in the future. He certainly should.

What a 22 yo male knows about senior issues can be put in a thimble.

What you and your husband do is none of his or his mother's business.

I do not tolerate disrespect and would not deal with them anymore. You do not need to deal with their abstract stupidity.

They offer no support so forget about them, they are toxic.

The lady I cared for has a sibling.The sibling has always been catered to and is accustomed to playing other people like a fiddle and getting her way. Sibling had a LOT to say about how I was caring for her sister. Most of what sibling had to say to me fell into one of these categories:
1. Why aren't you "letting" Bertha do "xyz?" Don't you care about her dignity?

2. Why are you "making" Bertha do "abc?" She shouldn't be doing THAT herself.

The answer to question #1 is always "Because we tried that and it's not safe for her to do that. I'm accountable if she gets hurt, so it's MY call."

The answer to question #2 is "Bertha is perfectly capable of performing that task and her doctor agrees."

Repeat as necessary. There were times when I provided additional details to assist with understanding and try to keep the peace, but you're not obligated to keep a non-caregiving person in the loop. They really don't know what they don't know.

Hugs, Gramela. Sounds like you're making really sensible decisions. Maybe you could something like, "Since I'm with Grandpa 24/7, I know what his capabilities are. You see him for 4 or 5 days a year. Ask him yourself, or mind your own business and if you raise your voice to me again like that, it will be the end of our relationship." Because seriously, do you want someone like that in your life? As for your daughter, tell her until she starts giving respite care to her dad for a few weeks a year so you can recharge, she's in no position to weigh in.

First, your husband is doing remarkably well after this type of stroke. My mother was completely devastated by one and never made much of any recovery so I’m very pleased for you both. And he’s blessed to have you looking out for him. You’ll never get others who aren’t involved in the daily caregiving to understand, simply not possible until they live it also. I hope you can make peace with the knowledge that you’re doing a great job and it’s okay for others not to get it

It's easy to say 'just forget about your family members' but in reality, who wants to do such a thing??? This is your daughter and your grandson we're talking about, not the lady next door or the mailman! Of course you care about them, their opinions, and you're hurt at being spoken to that way, who wouldn't be? And of course you want to maintain a relationship with them, you're their MOTHER and GRANDMOTHER for petesake!

The Armchair Critics is what I call those who cast opinions & judgement on OUR care of THEIR loved ones while they do NOTHING but point fingers from their armchairs. True that, huh?

I'm also in the same boat as you are, actually. I was the caregiver to my DH for 7 weeks in AZ while he had a liver transplant at the Mayo Clinic. My daughter came with us, his stepdaughter, who's an RN, and helped with his recovery b/c we BOTH wanted her there; she's been instrumental in his healthcare for the past 2.5 years since he's had issues. So DH's 2 daughters have decided that I'm the Bad Guy now b/c I've 'prevented them from seeing their father' which could not be further from the truth. They are jealous that my daughter came out there with us while they did nothing but act like Armchair Critics the whole entire time, and add to my stress like you cannot imagine, conducting themselves like infants.

So, I feel your pain. I held out the olive branch to these girls and have been ignored. My DH was told by the Mayo psychologist to forget about his daughter's issues and to focus on HIS recovery ONLY now. This, from the mouth of a professional. When loved ones decide to act out and treat us like dirt, we have to step back and decide what's important: our own health and wellbeing together with our husband's, or focusing on the infantile behavior of our children/stepchildren/grandchildren who are entirely CLUELESS about what our lives have evolved into these days? And about what their FATHER'S (or grandfather's) lives have evolved into? Should they decide to look past the tips of their own noses for a change, they may actually see there's more to this picture than they've chosen to see. Which means they realize WE have feelings that have been seriously hurt in all of their selfish nonsense.

I hope so, but I'm also skeptical, at least in my step children's case. Perhaps when things calm down a bit, you can write a letter to your daughter and your grandson, letting them know your role in DHs life now, and his compromised lifestyle as a result of his stroke. Had they bothered to take an active role in his life and in his recovery, they'd have known all this by now. Sadly, they didn't, but you can enlighten them IF you so choose to. And also let them know you don't appreciate being treated in such a disrespectful manner when you are the foundation of this man's life and recovery now. Without your loving and devoted caregiving, there would be no such recovery for their father and grandfather. It's too bad they don't recognize that fact w/o you having to point it out to them.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. My hat is off to you for being such a wonderful caregiver to your DH, cheers to you dear woman!

A lot depends on whether this was an unplanned ‘one-off’ incident, or whether there are more problems.

As far as your GS’s bad manners, I’d recommend a strategy I used on my early teen daughters. Stop the car, say that you won’t be tolerate this in your own car, and he can get out. Drive a mile up the road and stop to wait for him. He may by then be in a different mood. It’s about his behavior, not your DH’s abilities. Don’t argue about DH, GS behavior is inexcusable to you, you DH, and your daughter.

After you get him out of the car, drive on a while, then have a calmer discussion with your daughter. If she doesn’t calm down, stop again and suggest she waits for son to catch up. Then drive on again. If she does calm down, have a sensible discussion about what you and DH have agreed, and why. Plus the suggestions about how she can learn more about your own day-to-day reality.

If it was a ‘one-off’ incident, it’s a pity to mess up family arrangements big time, especially for a very immature young man. Driving off and leaving him and his mother to phone for a taxi is going to mess things up big time in itself, but my own experience is that even walking around the block can change the tone of what goes on.

Thank you all so much for your answers...there is so much good info in each one...I forgot to include in my original post that my grandson did apologize for what he said and how he said it.
The reason this was such a shock coming from our grandson is we really have a great relationship and love each other so much. We have never had an issue with him ever.... I kind of think that after spending a couple of days with us, he sees his granddad diminishing in many ways and he lashed out at me.
Very disappointed in my daughter though, If one of my children talked to their grand parents in that manner, they would have known not to EVER do that again. My daughter made excuses for him....

thanks again so much...the positive words meant to much.

Yes we are thanks so much...I will look into the driving assessment through AARP. Thanks so much.

OP, your daughter’s actions have reminded me of the other side of my own daughter’s family. My son-in-law and his parents were all quite critical of Grandma’s treatment of Grandpa – ‘she nags him all the time, he can’t call his soul his own, etc’. Then GM died suddenly, of a heart attack while sitting up watching television. The family rapidly realised that she had been covering all the time for GP, who needed to go into a NH almost immediately, because he was no longer being micro-managed.

There might be some similarities with you, and might perhaps explain your daughter’s feelings?

If they know how to do it better better, tell them to take care of him.

I am sad for you that your daughter and grandson let their tensions boil over onto you and your husband.
I'm assuming they already had some sort of tension, given that the grandson's behavior came out of the blue and your daughter's lack of support for you and your husband seems to be atypical.
Daughter may be ashamed that she failed to show son her shock at his inappropriate behavior, and embarrassed that you saw her son behave so badly.
Coupled with their shock at how your husband/her dad/his granddad has declined, it may have been the perfect storm of distress.
It may be that just maintaining loose contact with your daughter - short texts, brief phone call, greeting card, etc. and not talking about what happened to any of the other family members will let the flames cool down to embers that go out with no further air/fuel.

Seems like you had a stressful encounter. That is bound to happen from time to time. Consider it a misunderstanding; which it was. Send a letter to your grandson and daughter to explain the situation more clearly and calmly. Let them know the extent of your husband's disability and the activities he can engage in safely. They or other family members, friends, members of your faith community... should know enough to be able to step in and assume care of your husband if you are ill, injured or in the hospital.

I would suggest talking with his neurologist and/or primary care provider about the driving since he has several issues that make driving safely a problem: eyesight, balance, short term memory loss...

"grandsons immature.."

Yes, he is inexperience in these matters. What a shame he took a confrontational approach rather than a quiet word in private to discuss.

I suppose it stemmed from his perceived view of looking after Grandpa's free will/freedom...

In time, maybe he will learn to engage brain, eyes & tongue before reacting.

There are many good reasons the driver sits up front - as you are. You can see the road ahead, understand the conditions, spot danger, avoid obstacles. Backseat drivers giving their advice from back there cannot see the whole road.

'Backseat drivers' are exactly what I would call those family members input.

Id show grandson medical paperwork stating all his conditions, then tell him he is never to speak to you that way again.
Id also not contribute a sime to this spoilt entitled kid who knows nothing. Save your money for your husband's care, and your own. You are going to need it.

You are in charge. Make sure they understand that.
My husband is not allowed to drive. Period. His motor skills are not great, anyhow needed medical for licence and doctors here have duty to report to MV, needless to say for now no renewal.
He has not driven since injury's over a year ago. I would not let him.
No argument, discussion or any drama.

I read it here alot, grandchildren thinking they have a say over how the care is done for a grandparent. These "children" have no life experiences to pull from.

Great grandson apologized. I agree that maybe seeing his grandfather aging and with limitations is upsetting. Your daughter, she will get over it in time. Actually, your husband should have sided with you. It could be your care and understanding that has helped him get this far. And as a caregiver, you have a right to explode every so often.

Your husbands driving should stop if he is having trouble seeing at times. Losing his balance could also mean him not being able to place a foot on the brake in time to stop the car. Having good reflexes is important in driving too.

Why didn't husband stand up for you? Was he out of earshot? Maybe you can make daughter care for husband while you shop for a few hours. Maybe she will see how he really is.
I also wonder if daughter is talking about your dynamics to grandson. And they decided your concern looks controlling. I find it odd in that one instance grandson would have such a freak out over that one comment. Seems like something in his mind was brewing. I could see a snide comment, but the yelling makes me think there is more to it. Do they call and talk to your husband? Has he said something they mistook for you being controlling? Like I wanted to go pick that up at Walmart, but wife won't let me. But not saying you drive him there instead. And their imaginations took off.
Sooner or later they may want another boat ride or contact. I would set them straight right quick. And anytime they want to come and take over care and errands they are welcome. Bet they won't. And remind them that you don't want him to kill someone on the road because he doesnt have stamina, and the boat jacknifed in the axident or flipped over, or be sued if there is an accident. So they should stop being judgemental.
It sounds like they forgot he had a stroke, and there are residual side effects that can continue after someone has one.
They could also be in total denial of his condition. My sister told me how heartless I was to my mom, as I drove her back from the hospital. There was an argument my mom started. My mom told my her via phone. So she called me to lecture me. I said yea I'm so uncaring, I took her to the hospital bc I was concerned, and they kept there 3 weeks. And I visited, and drove her home insteading of making her take an uber. My sibling didnt think there was a problem. Hadnt visited. That shut her up.
So you need to jump on that and finish that argument. If they can take a nice boat ride, they can come help and give you a break, and see the situation. Keeping rheir distance and judging shouldnt be tolerated. Good luck.

If he had a stroke & has trouble hearing & tires easily, he should not be driving at all. Grandson is disrespectful & should apologize.You are under no obligation to discuss private medical issues concerning your husband with no nothing grandson. Your daughter should have defended you. She’s just as stupid & disrespectful.
Hugs 🤗

I will restrain from posting the words that come to mind to describe what I think of your daughter and your grandson. The topic of an elderly, person who has multiple problems, yet is still allowed to drive, is a very hot topic for me. I will, AGAIN, post what happened to my 2 oldest children 29 years ago. My oldest son, and my only daughter went to the same school. They were coming home after school, when an old man pulled out from a side street, and into my son's lane. My son swerved hard to avoid t-boning the old man and his wife, on the old woman's side. He went over the curb and hit a large tree close to the road. If our 16 year old daughter had not been wearing her seat belt, she would have gone through the windshield and hit the tree head first. She had horrible bruises on her chest and shoulder from the seat belt. Our son only had minor injuries to his knee that hit the steering column. The old man pulled over, stared for a few moments at what he had done, then drove off. In the meantime, our daughter had written down his license number. The police did track the old man down and charged him. We didn't find out if they yanked his license away. Our children sustained only minor injuries. The old woman was not killed, thanks to our son. Our son's Camaro was totaled. To this day, our daughter still has PTSD from that accident. It's really hard for her to ride as a passenger in a car.
We almost lost 2 of our 3 children because of a selfish old man who had no business being behind the wheel.
Hope your husband doesn't kill anyone before he stops driving.

Just a suggestion, but as caregiver to a husband, I have thought about some concerns should not be stated to family, or others.

I think this is where you did not need to open the driving up for discussion:

" he agreed with no arguments. So the day we were about to head home I made the comment to my daughter that I hoped he would be ok with me driving home... My husband and I had not discussed it."

Of course you needed to vent, needed support. But keeping it just between your husband and you would have a better result.

You got the two of you there, with him agreeing, no arguments. It could have been the same going home. Just thinking, but I was not there, you were. Is it possible we are our own worst enemy?

Ignore them, … they have no clue…

After my 95 year grandmother broke her hip at Christmas time last year, I took her keys away.. However, when she was moving around better I would let her drive to the mailbox or the grocery and Walgreens. She found much joy in this. You and your husband do what is best for you and what you are comfortable with. You are his caretaker and know his limits. My grandmother refused to wear her hearing aids and that always worried me when she was driving herself before breaking her hip. Continue to do what you think is best for you and your husband, ignore their quips. They are clueless😊

you are wrong to let someone with all those things wrong get behind the wheel

They should mind thier own d*** business and your grandchild should not be disrespectful like that, including your daughter..

Your daughter should also apologize for her behavior. I don't think it is safe for your husband to continue driving.

Deal with them as best as you can dealing with anyone in a tantrum.

Remain calm and speak using a soft voice with a steady volume. Do not increase your volume or move closer to them during their tirade. Repeat an appropriate mantra.

Talk in a gentle tone (like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars when he says, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” If you haven’t seen that movie look up a video clip of that line in You Tube.”).

Keep your gestures and tone rather robotic. Restrain from any aggressive or defensive response regardless of their behavior.

One mantra could be

“Your grandfather and I decide together who drives.”
(Say it 5 times, just like that, back-to-back, while they are screaming, if you need)

Another mantra
“We are working together with a competent medical team. Thank you for your concern.”

These actions will disarm them and they will appear ridiculous.

They are in denial and don’t understand caregiving. With help from people like that, you need an extra vacation! Keep up the good work!

I've seen this happen so many times when people who only see their family members on rare occasions question the care of someone who is very close and in daily contact with the person who needs care. Don't take it personally. It's easy to be a critic - hard to be the one who is doing the day-to-day caregiving. It sounds like the children and grandchildren are in denial about your husband's actual state. You and your husband agree, and you have a working arrangement. That's what matters. I say this to everyone. Make sure that your paperwork is in order and that you both have set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters. It's also good to have a second person on the list in case the first person can't do it. You'll both also need living wills with your advance medical directives, and wills, if you have assets (a house, cars, financial, etc.). Also, the POA should be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak with them on behalf of the other person. Most banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. You may need an attorney to help with these legal documents. If needed, connect with a local social worker who can perhaps recommend pro bono attorneys who specialize in elder law. Having clear legal documents makes it easier, if there comes a time when you have to take complete control of the caregiving, finances and medical decisions. All the best to you, your husband and family.