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The grandson and your daughter need a reality check. The grandson/daughter should accompany you and your husband to one of his Dr appts. Have the Dr explain why he can’t safely drive anymore. Have your husband say why he prefers you to drive. Why didn’t your husband state so during this incident?

Grandson means well, but clearly has no real understanding of the situation. Young people, (esp men) think they and everyone else are indestructible. He just sees his gramps being treated like an invalid and doesn’t want to accept the situation.

If daughter and grandson persist, invite them to come to the Drs with you guys. It’s very easy to “armchair quarterback”. If they won’t/can’t have the Dr put it in writing and show it to them. See if you can get a conference call with the Dr his assistant or nurse.

Mind you, all of this is none of their business and you’d only be doing it to try and get them to understand in order to lay off you.
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Do what you think is necessary for his safety, and the well being of the neighborhood around you.
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Ma'am: you tell them to sit all the way down. Until they are POA and willing to assume caring for him, they have no voice. And make it stick.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
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I cant add much to these answers. Youve gotten great advice. I was in denial about my Dad until I began taking care of him. If you were denying your husband when he wanted to drive, I could see them perceiving that incorrectly. If he will, have your husband explain to them that HE doesnt sometimes feel safe driving, and offer for them to come to the dr. and be a part of the solution. I have found that when people overreact like that, they are scared and confused. Alao, they are young, but do owe you an apology. Maybe that will open doors to communication.
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Wow! Just wow! It’s none of their business what you and your husband do! Sounds like he should not be driving at all. There comes a time when you have to drop your pride for the safety of others.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Right you are too, Dizzerth. I give the OP's husband a lot of credit for dropping his pride and accepting that he has some limitations.
If only every senior did like him. How simple and easy it would be for families to get them the help they need. How much safer our roads and highways be if everyone was like the OP's husband.
God bless them both.
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The hardest part of family members interfering is that they usually have no idea what it takes to be the caregiver. It’s the most irrational thing they could do. My advice is to remember you can’t change them, or explain it to them. If they wanted to really know they would be around a lot more. They don’t want to know and most likely are appeasing their conscience by interfering. Most important don’t take anything they say or do personally. It’s all about them and not about you! Easy advice to give but the hardest thing to do. Your the caregiver you deserve a big pay on the back nothing more from those not actually giving the care
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Caregivers and those that are not caregivers on this scale, are on different planets.
You spoke from the heart. Could you send your post to those relatives?

I use to get disappointed that people didn't get it, but how could anyone unless they're neck deep in this quicksand. It's not almost impossible, it is absolutely impossible.

I have the impression that because your 22 grandson went from zero to 80 miles an hour, (first of all, how dare he) and then your daughter ganged up rather than redress the little turd, there is more than meets your narrative here.

Disrespect is a big issue in your family and has been permitted for a long, long time. Who allowed this? Who has door-mat printed on their forehead. Who has told others that they can feed you even an atom of this kind of behavior? That should've been nipped in the bud way back even before any child could speak, even before speech when they showed disrespectful body language. Nip, nip, nip.

I learned recently that in Japanese educational system the first 3 years of school is not to judge the child's knowledge, or learning, but to establish good manners and to develop their character.

You seem like a kind, thoughtful, and gentle person. You may need to toughen up a little. You are due an apology. They seem like stinkers. I'd keep my mouth shut until they do apologize. What have you got to lose or miss out on, more disrespect?

If you must, talk about only pleasant superficial things. If they hit you with anymore garbage you can only blame yourself for putting yourself in harms way.

You ask - What do you say to a family member who doesn't agree with your care of our loved one?
I'd tell 'em that they could "p**p" in their hat. The person with the knowledge, the responsibility, the worry, the work, the expense, the time, the sleepless nights, is the only, only person who has the right and the say. Stop asking permission. Stop talking about important stuff to people who give you absolutely, positively no support. You are a power house. More and more you are becoming the sole captain of you and your husband's ship. Increasingly, as you know, your man will be depending on your strength. Get your mind right on this matter. You are the chief.

I hated that role reversal. I'm old fashioned. I was old fashioned. Now I'm a look dead in your eye, bull headed (when needs be), head held up higher, don't even try to use words with the letter "B" or "S" anywhere in it let alone BS me, kind of force. He depends on me to protect the realm.

My peace of mind, my health, my not-feeling-like-a-wounded-helpless-peeper, again, my peace, and my control, my not giving a flip is terribly important.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Right on, MicheleDL. 'Don't even try to use words with the letter "B" or "S" anywhere in it let alone BS me'.

From your mouth to God's ears and I couldn't agree more. You're spot on about nipping certain behavior in the bud. This applies to children, adults, and elders.
I always say no one has to live in or tolerate abuse. The OP's grandson and daughter were behaving abusively.
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First of all, it's none of their business who does the driving. Secondly, when your daughter jumped in the mix and started berating you about the driving, you should have back-handed her one in the mouth. You don't let the kids disrespect you like that no matter how old they are. Your husband should speak up to both and tell them that it's his decision not to do the driving and that it's really none of their business or anyone else's.
I'm impressed that your husband is willing to admit that he has some limitations and is not arguing about continuing to drive everywhere. So many others don't and keep up the asinine 'stubbornness' and expect their families to support it even when it becomes a threat to their safety and everyone else's. So credit to your husband for that.
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You say don’t bother me your advice is now welcome.
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I think you should have your daughter and grandson stay with you for a week or two. Perhaps this will give them a clue.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
She is a single Mom and works full time. He is also working and takeing classes..Theywould not be able to come for an extended stay. It would enlighten them if they could. thanks so much.
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I can relate to your situation. The difference in my case is that my 93YO mother lives with us and is constantly complaining to other family members that we are mistreating her: wont let her out of her room, wont let her outside, etc.. None of which is true. The probem is the other family members believe every word she says and some of them have never even been to our home. Reacting with anger only escalates the situation and reinforces the belief that we are mistreating her. With as much patience I can muster I answer back that there are two sides to every story and not one of them has bothered to ask us anything without first throwing stones. If they are that concerned, they can visit or take care of her themseves. In your case, I agree with Usedup1959 and should invite your daughter/grandson to stay for a while to see the situation for themselves before jumping to conclusions. Sounds like you are doing a great job. I know it is hard but don't let what others say bring your down especially when they have never walked in your shoes.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I know I shouldn't have reacted in anger...but I was so blown away by the barrage they hit me with I was literally reeling. They both work and can't just take off and come stay with us.. They live 200 miles away. I think if it ever happens again, I will be able to tell them we are doing fine without their input. My grandson and I are fine but my daughter and I not so much. He is coming to stay over night in a week ....so hopefully we can resolve things.
BEcause my daughter has called every member of the family to tell her side...it is so upsetting. I am trying to let it go.....but right now I would just like to get in my car and drive away with my little dog....I want to run. Thanks for your kind words.
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From your description of his condition, I am surprised that he is driving at all. You should probably talk with his physician about that, and maybe have the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever it is in your state) give him a driving test. If they take his license, then they're the bad guys, not you, and you both might be safer with only you driving.
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Seems to me you should see about getting POAs [finance and health] so see an eldercare attorney to get them done, Then talk with his doctor to determine what kinds of activities are right or wrong for your husband, Seems like he should be using a walker. With the kidney problem, has anyone talked about dialysis?

As for your family, based on what you said in other notes, it seems that some sanity has returned, I do think it would be good for you to sit down with your daughter [and any other children] to talk about your husband's health. It would be helpful for them to pitch in and help you both out. My guess is that you and your husband are stressed out and can use some help.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
We went to an attorney a year ago and did all the things, POA, updated wills, medical power of attorney, etc. He only goes to his kidney doctor and eye doctor...he will not go to our family dr. anymore because they did a small memory test on him...he thinks I asked them to do it...I tried to explain that is just part of the Medicare yearly physical and they do it to me every year...but he wont go back. He thinks or at least he says he is fine..Also even though he is stage 3 kidney disease they have stablized because of the diet we eat and doesnt need dialysis at this time, which is a blessing.
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gramela: Perhaps he shouldn't be driving at all.
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With all due respect, your husband should not be driving. If he get into an accident and hurts someone and they sue, his medical records will probably be subpoenaed and with what you have told us, they could win and take everything you have. My husband's specialist told him that.

You stated that he "only" drives up to 2 miles from home. Please read the results of this research. "Back in 2001, Progressive insurance conducted research with over 11,000 people & found that over 52% of reported crashes occurred within five miles from home and 77% of accidents occurred within a 15-mile distance. Two decades later, the latest accident statistics from the NHTSA paints a pretty similar picture."

How you get him to stop is something I have no ideas on. My husband failed the written test several times and when the doctor told him the above, he quit and wanted the grandson to have the truck. I had it off the property within 2 hours.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I appreciate your response. My husband just passed his Drivers License renewal, it is good until 2029...He went on a good day for his eyesight, it fluctuates. Being deaf does not prevent you from having a license. And his balance issues dont exist when he is sitting down. So it is difficult to get any one to say he cant drive. He has greatly limited himself...if it is bad one day he doesnt drive anywhere.
However my original question was about my daughters response to me, thinking that I wont let him drive. Thats what was consuming me for the moment. Thanks so much.
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Gramela, it looks like a lot of our group are pretty upset with your daughter and granddaughter! Mother's and daughters, though, we sure tend to push each other's buttons! At least my daughter and I do.

Anyway, in an ideal world, (and this is something both my daughter and I are working on) we are trying to think of the other's feelings, count to ten, and then try to keep the conversation short and hopefully kind. Or like the old saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say...anyway, we are working on that.
So, reading your post you can tell how hurt you are. I wonder, though, if your grandson and daughter are just terribly worried about their dad's health, and it is easier to blame you for his problems rather than face the fact that he is truly in bad shape, and they just can't handle their own fear of what might happen to Dad. It seems like kids will blame mom for a lot of things, even though we have spent our lives taking care of THEM, while dad is often the friendly one.
Well, guess I am rambling. Try to let it go. Take a break and take care of yourself. You know your daughter loves you. It is frightening watching your parents grow old!
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I have to ask: Where's your husband's voice in all this? I get the feeling that he is doing fairly well cognitively, since he is able to drive. Is that so? So if he can understand, and if he can talk, why isn't he defending you? And himself? All that was needed was for HIM to speak up and tell grandson, and daughter that : "We got this !" He should tell them that: "Since it's just the two of us most of the time, we're dealing with it together. So leave it be," To make clear that he has been part of these decisions. And it would have been nice if he told them to show you a little respect. ....And if he's not congitively with it enough to understand that, then the entire driving idea may need to be revisited.
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Disconnect immediately.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
Please don't do this, I'll post later
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It sounds like they haven’t realized the extent of his problems. No excuse for the manner in which they expressed this. I would see how things go the next time. Might drop them a line discussing his fatigue and how the two of you agree about how to manage things in private. Wouldn’t hesitate to tell them it is a difficult time for you two. Unforeseen attacks just add to the pain. If it happens again, I might avoid contact. In fact, you might say you can’t manage unpleasantness and if it can be expected, best not get together even one more time. I would tell them that as calmly as possible. Sorry for the hard time you had when hoping for support.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Thank you so much, I cant tell you how much it helps having caring people repsond...I think your are spot on with your suggestions...thanks so much..
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Gramela;

Is it possible that both you daughter and grandson were shocked by the decline in your husband, since they hadn't seen him in a while?

It sounds like you've cleared the air with your grandson; I hope your get-together goes well.

You say your daughter has called folks to "get her story out there".

What do you know about what she's told people? Are folks calling you with upsetting versions of what she says happened?

What is your husband's current diagnosis? Has never be diagnosed with or evaluated for Vascular Dementia, which is pretty common after a stroke?

Maybe the time has come to share more about what's going on with your family, especially whoever you've assigned as Power of Attorney.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I dont think they were shocked because they just saw him in May when they were here for other grandsons high school graduation...but then again this lake trip was for 5 days and low key and not busy...so maybe they did realize his true condition when they saw him doing day to day. They know I drive alot but I think they think I am forbidding it when actually he has been driving less and less over last 5 yrs on his own.
As far as her calling her sister and her own children, .she also called & talked to my husband a few days ago when I was at grocery store...and he was so twisted by what she told him and what I had told him. She told him she talked to her sister, our youngest daughter. I shouldnt assume what she told them but I know some of the things she told my husband. A I have gotten from him is she said she wasnt raising her voice and I was...He said she admitted her voice was forceful and strong. .My point was she should have never jumped into the situation....grandson is 22yrs old not 12. If she had left us alone I think it would have been over immediately... She is a good girl but tends to be in the middle of everything.
He has not been diagnosed with Vascular Dimentia...He doesnt want to believe he has any issues....but I can tell he is slowly coming to grips with it..But he will not go to a neurologist and get any tests. Its a fragile subject and I am appoaching it with care...I dont want to just tell him his memory is slipping...especially after this thing with our oldest daughter. I am hoping with a little time he will see the need..if not I will have a chat with our doctor.
Good suggestion about the POA...I will do that. Thanks so much for caring enough to write to me.
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Please don’t something that happened in just a minute or two, upset your happy family. Your grandson has apologised. Your daughter may have phoned other family members to talk about it, not to complain. “I thought Mom was nagging too much, but she thinks his condition is worse than we realised. Do you have any ideas yourself?” Chances are that unless all the family are morons, and least some of them will have said “If there is any doubt, he shouldn’t be driving”.

My younger daughter and I fell out over something more major than this, but once things go bad, it’s really difficult to get back to happy tolerance. You are probably overtired and fairly sensitive yourself – you expected support, not criticism. Try and put it behind you. Don’t dwell on it, just pretend nothing happened. My problems with my daughter have now gone on for years, and have been much worse than the original problems. Don’t let it happen to you. Please!
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Pretty stupid thing for people to get upset about. First its not their business who drives. You said something in passing that was ordinary small talk sounds like to me. First and foremost driving has to be SAFE. Instead of anyone yelling or an argument I would have said drive safely, get home safe. Simple thing.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I wish I had, grandson and I are fine but daughter got in the middle of it.. hard to be calm when someone gets in your face. Wish I had a do over.
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You are doing great, your husband is fortunate to have a wife who understands and works with him in the capacity in which he is able. Your grandkids and your daughter don't understand what you are doing because she isn't around to see it, you don't have to defend yourself to kids, yours or hers. I don't know why people who don't know what they are talking about, or giving opinions on feel the need to pretend to know best how to do something they have no intention of doing. No one is asking them for anything, and it's none of their business, they need to just be grateful they can share time with their parents and grandparents. The little 22 yr. old with the nasty mouth and bad attitude, should have been told by his mother to shut up and apologize to his grandmother for putting his 2 cents in where it doesn't belong. I had a similar thing happen, my sister was on the phone in the car with her daughter while I was sitting in the passenger seat and my mother was in the back seat, the family decided that since they felt guilty for not coming and seeing her for the past 3 years, I wasn't good enough as her primary care giver, and it was time to put her into a nursing home. My mother did not want to live anywhere but in her home, which we had made sure accommodated her disabilities. My niece said in a voice and attitude of supremecy, that she thought that her Mom Mom would be far better off in a nursing home. I wanted to punch the cell phone so hard she would feel it on the other end. Who cares what a kid who hasn't seen her grandmother in about 3 yrs. feels would be best for her? I asked them all a question, "If you can't take the time out of your busy lives to come and see Mom at her own house, which was your house growing up, then what are the chances of you going to a nursing home to visit her?" I also answered for them, "NONE." Common sense on my part to figure the answer to that one out. It's a guilt thing, when people ask them about their mother, they have to lie or tell them that they haven't seen their mother and really don't know how she is. So, they don't want anyone to know that they are selfish and self-absorbed and don't want to be bothered with a disabled parent, and they use the nursing home idea to act as if they are doing something productive for their parents. As for you, I'm guessing they want to make you feel like your not making the right decisions for your own husband, so they can feel like they are doing something you can't. Learn to laugh at the jokes, not take them personal, cause that is what these arguments and negative comments to you are, just jokes in bad taste. Good Luck and have a nice night
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Thanks so much for your input and thank you for taking the time to respond..means a lot.
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lady, you and your husband are doing a great job with this. You might want to write your daughter and grandson a letter explaining that this is a mutual decision that you and your husband both agree on and why it works so well for you just like you explained to us. Then ignore anything they contradict with. They could be missing pieces of the puzzle. I want to know what is wrong with you doing the long distance driving?
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I think that is a good idea to write a letter. As far as the long distance driving..he never does & always wants me to drive. But they didnt know that..I think he probably used me as an excuse to our Grandson as to why he wasnt driving...I think he didnt want him to know that he doesnt really drive anymore. ...its the male ego thing.. & then grandson thought he was defending his granddad and that I was the mean old lady who wouldnt let him drive his truck....lots of feelings and assumptions going on and it exploded.
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It is so easy for others to be judgmental when the person being cared for is an “out of sight - out of mind” situation for them. You are doing great and kudos to your husband for cooperating knowing he has limitations. I would explain to your grandson and daughter that beyond it being not their decision, it is a safety concern for both you and your husband. After all, if he has an accident both of you could be hurt or killed. You could also wind up in litigation with any other parties who were injured. Perhaps they are missing their father/grandfather as he was but SO ARE YOU! Change is hard but you two have come to terms with it. They need to do the same.
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