FIRST - I want to thank everyone has responded to my previous posts. I truly appreciate your time, practical advice, and warm encouragement. I'm looking forward to a time when I'm out of the woods and can offer that kind of help to others. In the meantime ... I'm breaking down.
I'm on track with divorce from the man I've spent 10 years with after making the stupid mistake of feeling I "owed" him something. I think 10 years, of which has been essentially indentured servitude due to his declining health, is quite enough. Divorce is final Friday morning. Just have to turn up in court.
I did the paperwork to get him Medicaid, and followed through on getting him into a palliative care program, and then moved to hospice - although there's no indication he's 6 months from death. Hospice told me that some people stay on for years. Anyway, the hospice social worker has been looking for placement in a facility for him since August and I got a VM from her yesterday. I thought the time had come!
But no. I was told there's not one available bed in Maine. They have 7 patients in the hospice facility needing long term placement and they can't move them out. One patient has 44 applications in; my husband has 22 applications out. Inpatients get first dibs for placement, and those in community are last. Which is where my husband currently sits. In addition, some nursing homes are refusing new admissions due to Covid. Bottom line, I'm screwed.
I had a scarifying meltdown this past Sunday. Woke up at 5 AM in the autumn dark, totally panic stricken. Found myself thrashing and crying out, "Let me go, let me go, let me go!" Got up, went downstairs out of his earshot and cried and screamed, then got in my car in my driveway, slamming the steering wheel and screaming. Finally broke down in tears (it's hard for me to cry) and once I got hold of myself, went to get coffee.
In the drivethru, I managed to act "normally" and went I got to the window I was told the driver ahead of me had paid for my coffee. That little act of kindness in the midst of this black hole of despair made me burst into tears again. Managed to make it through the weekend and started feeling a little lighter. Like that kindness was a sign that good things were coming.
And then this call from the social worker. I had another meltdown this morning, up early in the dark, pacing and crying. I want him OUT so that I can clear this house and GO. I don't want to have to report him to APS - I want this clean and as easy on him as possible. For my own peace of mind.
In other news, my friend, who had asked me to share a house with her in Tennessee, took a few days' trip up there from her home in Georgia and BAM, found a house. Which seemed great when it looked like I could get out of here in a timely manner. But now she seems to be backpedaling a little. Keeps telling me how small the house is, and how she and her animals would "drive me crazy" and just generally being lukewarm. And really, it likely would be too small, because I also have my buns. There was another house, much bigger, but she passed on that because it was in a small town and she wants to live rural. The idea was we'd rent for a year while looking for someplace to buy. I'm not sure why she couldn't manage living in town for a year to better accommodate a roommate, but she did the legwork and she has the right to choose what works for her.
I'm just feeling lonely, isolated, scared, depressed, anxious - like I'm down a well and I can see people walking around up there, but I can't climb out. I'm going to bite the bullet and call his family to let them know what's happening, and then try to figure out how I'm going to get out of here. And where the hell I'm going to go once I do.
Now I know what people mean when they talk about a nervous breakdown! Anybody else down the well with me? Anybody got a match?!
I ended up in the ER with suicidal ideations after suffering for 6 weeks. It was as simple as a psych doc giving me 2 Xanax and after they'd 'kicked in'---I felt normal! Then the doc explained what was going on in my body and mind and suddenly a light came on!
About 6-8 weeks later when the Antidepressants kicked in--I just was never left alone (my poor kids--babysitting their crazy mother!) and taking benzos for the really bad days, I finally tunred a corner and felt like I was going to be OK.
My breakdown was situational in causation--as is yours. You've given and done more than you're capable of--the breakdown is a way your body reacts--forcing you into 'fight or flight'.
You're fleeing! Thank goodness!
And yes, I agree with previus posts that once your divorce is final (2 days!!) you should turn 100% of your soon to be ex's problems over to HIS family. Whether that's a couple of phone calls or texts or an "ER Dump"-whatever gets attention paid to him and gets you out of there--just go. As long as you are remotely available, they'll be calling and pulling you back in.
Your friend is pulling back--as hard as that is, she is showing her hesitations and it's better that you know that NOW as opposed to when you moved in and it didn't work.
Can you get some tranqs from your doc for the really bad days? I see people suffer so much when a judicious dose of a calming med would make all the difference. Likely this will be temporary.
I can only wish you luck and a calm and quick divorce-paper signing. Good Luck and stay strong.
And it's OK to cry. Even hysterically, sometimes. It's very cleansing, I find, tho I rarely cry now. I sleep. We all have our coping devices!
((Hugs))
You are handling a whole lot, but the truth is that reading this I can see you ARE making progress. You have chosen to divorce. You have CHOSEN to stay to clear the house, because the truth is that you are now free, with -- I assume-- some division of assets. You can leave. You say you don't "want to" report him to APS but that, along with reporting your leave-taking to his social worker may be what you have to do. You are DIVORCED!
I think any new path is terrifying.
You had plans to move in with someone who clearly now is having second thoughts.
You are seeing you are leaving the pot but perhaps surrounded by frying pans.
Why would you not be anxious and overwhelmed?
Just keep on keeping on ONE DAY at a time. First step finding a place to move. Second step reporting you are no longer in the home to care for your now NOT-spouse.
One day at a time with good long deep breathes, realizing that this is a new journey and it will be terrifying, and also full of adventure. I hope you have the support of friends. You may be couch surfing for a bit!
Moving from where you are seems like a great idea. Starting over in a new town and making new friends might seem daunting, but it really doesn't have to be. Walk in a church, and you'll be invited to all sorts of things. Volunteer at a thrift shop, and they'll be glad to have you. Do something at the small-town recreation department, and you meet others who are looking for social contacts like you are.
I'm so excited for you. Many people never get a chance at a new start. You have, and your life is going to be much better. Good luck!
I recommend meditation, and whatever kind works for you. I do a 15 minute version.
I also highly recommend ‘ejecting’ the heavy harsh feelings. I’ve learned that when I pick my own times and places for that, I won’t lose it by surprise later. Vigorous exercise, punching a punching bag or pillow, screaming underwater - tub is great for this - hollering in the car, for me I really like listening to ‘hard’ music, it helps me a lot. Anything that suits you…just make a little time and choose your place. For me this way I’m not eating my feelings, or trying to turn them into something I can’t, but I’m getting them out as-is.
Big hug and best to you!
Also, try not to have any future plans that rely on other people. As you are finding out, people are flakey and unreliable. Find a place for yourself, by yourself, for now. The last thing you need is housemate drama and unhappy surprises.
Even if it means temporarily giving up pets in order to find an affordable place, sooner. If you stick your hand in a bottle to grab a banana and try to pull it out, you won't be able to... you'll need to drop the banana or you'll be stuck with a bottle on your arm. Simplifying your life (and reducing expenses) will help you at this point. One of my sons raises rabbits, so I get it, but also am privy to the costs. Consider it just until you get your sanity back. If you don't change your strategies you will be doomed to land in the same spot again in the future. I don't say any of this flippantly -- I know it will feel really hard. But then things will get better, if you do the things that will help you get to that place. Peace!
For the divorce, if you have a lawyer, could it be part of the divorce decree that you are out with a deadline, free and clear, so you and the buns can drive away? I’m not up on your situation, but it seems like you have a junction with legal oversight and now is the time to see if you can use that backing.
As long as you are available you are the solution. The vast majority of people, even the people who should be helping, won’t think about you or him the second you are out of sight.
oh wait, turns out I do have two pieces of advice (that I also need to take):
1. Stop fighting for him. FIGHT FOR YOU. Let the system, cr*ppy as it is, do its job. Yes, he’s a human and suffering. So are you. One you can’t fix, one you can.
2. Next time after you cry in your car, watch at least 20 minutes of YouTube or TikTok comedy. Some is terrible, but at least you’ll see and hear happy people. Happiness IS out there. We have to retrain our brains.
Good courage to you.
PS: maybe a bunny rescue where you are or are going would formally foster your bunnies for awhile so you don’t lose them, but can get out of your situation.
You’re making progress though. The decision to divorce is wise. You have been through enough turmoil.
One step at the time will see you through this process.
Wishing you peace as you continue to work towards a better future.