Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I have 20 years experience working in health care with a variety of behaviors.
It is now an epidemic as so many suffer from dementia. This is an umbrella diagnose.
Every individual needs to evaluate their own situation to determine what 'can be' and 'can not be' expected from a loved one.
Hint: Some behaviors have been with you a long time already.
It is not too late to get some tools to work with. I hope my ideas and experience have hit at lease one nail on the head.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow, Babalou, how many times have we heard of the caregiver dying before the patient? Sad story.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wam...you have fulfilled your promise - you've "kept him home as long as possible". No one deserves to be abised by their loved ones in ANY stage of their relationship, whether that person is in their right mind or not. As for the guilt, you need to approach this from the perspective of what your "real" husband's reaction would have been prior to the Alzheimer's. Let's pretend this was your Dad you're caring for & your pre-AZ husband found out he was pushing you, punched you or even just *threatened* to punch you. I bet he would probably have been very upset & I highly doubt he'd want you to continue caring for Dad. I'd bet he would tell you that was the last straw & it was time to place Dad in a home. If he would have said that about anyone else, I'm certain, if he were in his right mind, he'd say the same about himself, too. There IS guilt in abandoning them, but there is NOT guilt in finding them a nice, safe nursing facility where their needs are met & they are safe.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Awe Wam, don't feel guilty. None of us ask to go from being 1st Mate to Captain. But when you know he's in trouble, it's gotten dark and the seas are picking up, having a quick look at the weather report, map, and checking the safety equipment isn't deceitful on your part. It's what you need to do, for everyone's sake, including his. If you don't have some ideas of what you will do and the situation escalates and is taken from your hands, could he not end up in a place that isn't good? You've got to be the one to navigate both of you to the best possible outcome and safety. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wam, lead with your 💜 heart! Get his medications correct and you will see no more of this type of aggression and threatening behavior, my husband did and sometimes still does the mean thing but I have learned to know when that's coming and a 1/2 tab of " settle down" med stops the action before it starts. Try it, get the correct type of Dr. PCs just don't seem to get it sometimes. 💜💜💜💜💜
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

OMG LucyCW...what a horrible experience!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wamnanealz....I believe all caregivers experience a lot of experience in the first few years of caring for the loved one...but...as time progresses and situations get harder and harder, we make decisions that we would never imagine we would have to make!!! It's a process, in life you have to FEEL the feelings...process and then move forward. The guilt will subside, when he is a better place for HIM...and you don't have to live like that! Goooood luck to all caregivers...the lucky ones get help!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

wamnanealz, many of us know about that sense of "betrayal" and the feeling that they will be sad once placed in care. The fact is, many adjust exceptionally well though some take more time than others.

The quality of care matters a lot, and that's not always something that we can control. So much depends on where we live.

I think that most will feel anxious but some of that they pick up from us. If we feel guilty and worried they will be worried. So, try to work on getting rid of the guilt.

Please update us when you can.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have an appointment at Charlotte Hall Veterans Home, to make some preliminary adjustments. He is standing right behind me now as I write this. i can't get any privacy. But he cannot read anymore, so it doesn't matter what I am doing. He won't realize it! I will have to take him along on the visit to Charlotte Hall.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

great....i'm sure the right medication will help tremendously!! please keep us posted. good luck to both of you!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wam, wish we could go with you for moral support. Will be there in spirit.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Lifeexperience, thank you. It was particularly hard as it came without warning from someone who until that moment was very protective of women. He's tried to strangle me since and to get extremely intimate despite my yelling no. Thankfully it's only me (at the moment) that he responds to in this way so I never spend time alone with him.
His late wife, was my almost identical twin and while I don't for a nano second believe he would have hurt her. I think that sometimes seeing me triggers such overwhelming emotion in his poor confused brain that he lashes out. So for both our sakes I need to be the one to set the boundaries and make sure they are kept.
Wam. like many others here, thinking of you.
All I can add, is that because of this horrible disease the person you now live with is not sadly the person you made those promises too. You have kept faith with that person. If just for a few moments your beloved could be back and aware of the changes do you really believe that Your safety/well being wouldn't be his prime importance?
Let others help by doing the day to day grind so you are free to love, visit, hold the memories for you both and not be worn out or endangered in the process.
Bless you and do keep us all updated.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Good luck, honey, we are all pulling for you--both of you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I had two major changes in the last two days. On Thursday he was very loving and want to hug me and tell me that he loved me. He was very affectionate. This has not happened in about a year. Then we sat down and he put his arm around me and held my hand. I just broke down crying because I was so touched by the whole thing. Then on Friday he got violent with the caregiver, grabbed her by the arm and told her to "Get Out." Fortunately she knew what to do. She was authoritative and told him to sit down and calm down. She did some maneuver to get his hand off her wrist. Meanwhile I had called 911. Then I hung up because she had him under control. The police called me right back to see if I was OK? I was very grateful. But I said I was ok. If she hadn't been able to calm him down he would be in jail right now waiting for a room in the nursing home. I called my doc right away and thank God he is on call for the Labor Day weekend. He told me how much meds to give him to calm him down. It took about three hours for Bill to really mellow out! My caregiver was here all afternoon and so was I. I finally was able to go out and pick up an RX before she left. i was so grateful to have her here. But it made my mind up. I had been praying for a sign from God and I do believe these were my signs. First the sign of his Love, on Thursday, and second the sign of violence on Friday. I will be making arrangements to get him in he home this week. I love him and I feel guilty, but God will strengthen me to be able to do this. We made it through last night just fine.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, wam, you are right. Those are signs from God.

We had a similar situation--no signs from God but we JUST made it into AL before my mom really lost her faculties. I just said to my husband the other day that if my mom were not in AL right now, our lives would be totally different--and impossible. He agreed.

So, you just hang on, know that God is with you, and be patient. In a few months you can look back on this and sigh with relief. But tin the meantime, keep in touch!!!! And let us know how it is going.

Lots of hugs!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

hey wam....you could still love him, but you will both be in a safe place! i believe people HATE loooosing their independence and lash out because of that. it must be reeeeeaaallly scary for someone to be where your husband is in life!! take care, keep posting!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Glad you had a better night! Your questions ( write them down) will be answered tomorrow at the meeting at CHVH 💜
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Going to a facility really hits most with the reality they are no longer in control. Those we trusted (family) may be perceived to betray the spouse or parent. Placement ASAP speaks highly of you. It means you care for each of you. Let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wam: Albeit it difficult, you've got to place him in an NH, else you will quite likely die trying.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter