My mother recently called my home phone and wasn't aware that the answering machine had picked up. (my mother is a massive stroke survivor of 9 years ago). I was able to hear one side of the conversation she was having with my father. She accused me of stealing all her jewelry during my last visit home. Moreover, she stated that I had even shown what I had taken to my father before I left home. Undoubtedly they have misplaced her jewelry (again) someone in the home and can't remember where it's been put. She then called me at midnight and restated her claim that I had stolen her jewelry (this time I answered the phone but she wouldn't listen to anything I said.) Question: what should I do if she officially accuses me of the theft to the police? Should I shrug it off as part of the territory with elderly parents or is there something proactive I should do? My father has been diagnosed with moderate dementia. Thank you.
No, she likely won't listen to you, as she can't remember where she put it, so you (if you are the caregiver) must have taken it. That’s her logic.
The horrible part is, sometimes elders are taken advantage of this way, so law enforcement is more apt to follow through (which they should if it's true). The good part is that the kind of thing you describe happens so frequently, that they likely understand that side, too.
Get anyone you know behind you. Even though, painful as it is, your parents may not be convinced until they stumble on the jewelry, it's time to start getting some witnesses to understand this is a common happening. That could help protect you in the future.
Others on this site have had this happen, so watch for comments.
Carol
Please remember these actions aren't your Mom. With these problems of the mind if she is like my mother in law, she will go through several mind & personality changes. It is really difficult until they know that they are having problems. I don't know how I would be if I couldn't remember just normal everyday things and I think what is really scary is the paranoia that accompanies this. Mom would call us in the middle of the night and she would think she was robbed or people were looking in her windows.
She would take watches, checkbooks and things that everyone knew didn't belong to her...but in her mind...she had one and she thought it belonged to her. That is the reason there is such problems in nursing homes...The residents don't intentionally steal...they truly believe the items or money is there's and that is why they pick it up.
I hope this helps you. I know it is difficult but please know you are not alone. I just always try to remember that this isn't her. I love her and try to make her days as happy and comfortable as possible. She has alienated the entire family against her and ourselves. I resent that also but I try to remember that if the family spent the time with her that they should have they would recognize and understand the symptoms.
We are lucky because she still recognizes my family and she is happy in the facility. She also knows that she has problems. She broke her back in April falling out of bed. I had her out the other day and she told me she was sorry if she ever said anything bad about me. She told me that I was the only one who really cares about her.
She does have times when she is lucid. It is those times that makes it all worthwhile...it is then that you see a glimpse of what used to be. It is those times that you know that your parent does know what you have done and that you love them.]
Don't give up....she knows you love her...it is just a very confusing time for her...
Talk about fooling some of the people some of the time!
Several years ago the house was turned over into my name since I have been here with mom for 10 years. She told me yesterday that she gave it to me. Of course I had to chime in to her and let her know that I have earned this meager little house of 59,000.00 but she insisted that I did not earn it. I shut up and went on but it does hurt me that she feels this way and now tells others that I have taken some money, lots of money. This is a very tough place to be.
Mom has been in a nursing home now for 3 years and she has moved away from the stealing topic. She normally has 3 questions that she asks over and over again. We just answer and move her on to something else. But please know that it seems that every patient goes through this.
I always thought it was because she was losing control and she didn't know where to start. Children always blame other children when they can't explain what is going on.
In mom's case, I never left her. She even accused her son of aweful things but we stood there and still went to see her and take care of everything every day. She still knows us and she always says "I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for you and Sherri"..."You never forget about me". She does talk about us nasty when we are not there...but I will take that...I tell her that she doesn't have to worry about what she had for lunch..that isn't important..as long as she remembers us!
Until about 3 weeks later when she started the whole routine all over again........(sigh).
Best not to try to deny accusations or to reason with the patient. Instead, you might offer to help search for the items when you're there next time. Ask "Where was the XXX last time you saw it?"
I talk to others he knows and they say he seems normal.
Any advice on what I should do?
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