What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?

the accusations of theft have been getting more serious -- 3 years ago it was "the neighbor came in and stole a bowl" (the bowl showed up of course); 2 years ago "your husband took my blue chairs" (saw the blue chairs a few months later in her basement); 1 year ago "you took my music CDs" (she'd given these away to her nephew); now it's photographs, books, and other small items. I know the next set of accusations is going to be about money, so I've pulled back as I've been doing the tax return, ensuring bills paid, getting money back when she's double paid/overpaid etc. I'm going to let my brother and sister who are doing the current round of visiting and medical appt taking and other work, let them experience this (which is always accompanied by other statements "you're so bitter" or "you're ...." (fill in the blank with various manipulative accusative statements). If every one of my siblings expereinces this, then maybe we can get to a dementia or other diagnosis and get some institutional caregiving to happen. Unfortunately, we have one sibling who supports the thft accusations as she so badly wants to be loved by our mother, she will say anything and carry the water for her (yet herself is actually incapable of any real caregiving -- can't drive, can't shop for food, blows her soc sec check on clothes, and mooches off mother when she visits for a month at a time). Spending my free time looking for assisted living etc....

This story is so common with elders especially with dementia...textbook really. My mom has accused me, husband or my brother of stealing something or other from the minor to major things for the last 3 years. There is no reasoning with them or convincing them otherwise and it is frustrating to both of you to even try. My mom does similar and gets in a loop over something (most recently I've stolen her Will, address book, phone books) of which I'm certain she misplaced as she constantly hides stuff or misplaces. She too can call at odd hours and rant, threaten, etc.

She did accuse my brother of stealing and went to the police to file. They called me and I explained that brother lived across the country and that my mom had dementia and the accusation was unfounded. The police dropped it and my mom continued to say police were investigating. There have been other instances, and we just try to redirect her, or say we have difference of opinion or offer to help her find the item. She refuses and basically follows anyone who is in the house including following me to bathroom and waiting outside the door. We are not allowed anywhere in the house unattended.

It's very sad, but part of the disease. I know longer get offended but when she rants on and on I just hang up, don't take calls for a few days or leave the premises while she calms herself down.

I am going through this now. I am being accused of stealing all sorts of things. My sister who lives only a couple hours away has quit visiting our Mom in support of me but our younger brother is feeding her dementia by telling her lies and teller that we say things on facebook that we do not. I am now being threatened with police action. I messaged my brother and told him to bring it on. I welcome the troopers at my house. Since my Mom's house is in my name as guardian he is angry. He wants the house and everything else. It is really hard, my sister and I were estranged from our Mom for almost 30 years and with the death of our dad, we made a huge effort to establish a relationship with our Mom. Was going well til we tried to talk her into letting me sell the house and get her into something smaller and safer. Brother has not been happy that we were back in her life and does whatever he can to sabotage the relationship. I don't know where we go from here, but it is nice to know that we are not alone.

My mother has accused me of taking things from her; usually small items that she gave to me. She saw a ring on my finger one day during a visit (which was mine that I purchased myself) and said to my face that I took if from her. The best thing I can tell you is try your best to not get defensive. The more defensive and upset you act the more guilty you will appear. Freaking out will only fan flames. You can take a breath, wait 3 full seconds before replying, and be calm.

Wow, there's so many similarities in all your stories! I had made some poor choices years ago and surrendered my life to God. Life was very good. Helping my parents on the weekends with cleaning, cooking or whatever they needed, and always showering them with gifts. My dad love Irish Cream and I made sure he was always stocked up with it. I took care of my dad so my mom could take a trip to her hometown. My dad had suffered from a stroke and I was there for them all the time.
I found out that my brothers and parents found a new home to move my parents into (surprise) smaller with no stairs. I did most of the packing for them and we all got together and moved them. I had listen to my mom accuse her youngest grandson of taking money whenever he would come over. She said she could tell that her change was gone. During the move she had a huge pot filled with change and on top was a dollar bill. She said the dollar was gone after the grandson moved it to the new house. As we were almost finished with the move, I came out of the bathroom and heard someone in my parents bedroom. I opened the door to find this grandson in my parents safe. I told my mom that she should talk to my brother but she said, no way she would ever tell him as that would break his heart.
A couple months after their move, my mother called me yelling and accusing me of stealing some old coins and I had better bring them back. She threaten to tell my dad as that was always her threat when we were young kids. Put the fear of our dad in us. I talked to my sister in law who said she was going to talk to my mom and wasn't going to let this go further as she knows my mom will hold a grudge forever. Soon I found out that the blame went from me to my youngest daughter. A little bird must have whispered in her ear. (My daughter was caught shoplifting years before as a teen) After my ex husband found out about this, he called my mom and gave her a rightful earful and he also got a hold of my brother telling him he needs to look at his teenage son for the missing coins. I also found out that she had a bottle of Elvis Presley wine that someone filled with water. Yes, I was once again accused of that. Really?? And it was because I had gotten the flu one night I was there, so that is her reasoning. Like I can't buy my owe bottle of wine!! I tried calling my mom several times only to hear her say horrible things about me, that they have disowned me, and I am off the will. I went to visit my father in the hospital only to be rejected from him because of my mom's lies. So for me, enough was enough!! There was no changing her demented mind! She is not reasonable at all! Now this has been going on for four years now and the only one who has ever taken a stand for me is my sister and because of that, she has been disowned and taken out of the will! How evil can one be!?!? I no longer call her my mom as I don't know who this person is and she has destroyed so many relationships. I wasn't even allowed to set with family at my dad's memorial.
I have five children and six grandchildren. My other siblings and spouses act all la de da and one sister in law says there's nothing wrong with my mom when I said she has dementia. Because she can live by herself they think she's okay.
Because my faith is strong in God, I have been on a journey of healing and forgiveness as I know one day, God will vindicate me but until then I will continue to trust in Him with all my heart.
So this isn't a question but more of an encouragement for others who are suffering unjustly. Hold your head up and know that God knows the truth and one day (maybe not in this lifetime) He will vindicate those of us who have been wrongly accused. We will go through trials and tribulations but He is with us always, even to the end of time.
God Bless each one of you and keep you in His protection always.

My father does something similar at times. Yesterday he went outside ( we still have snow) and was looking all around under a car, and on the deck railings. When we got him back in he said he had put money out "there" and someone had taken it. He was really mad and we could not get through to him that even if he had, the snow would have "moved it"..LOL a few days before this he called Mom and I upstairs to the bedroom to look for "something" he had lost. He had no idea what we were looking for, and neither did we! That was fun.. under the bed, in all the drawers... luckily he forgets it by the next day

@pamzimmnt it seems like most of the entries on here is the mother flipping out on their daughter. I was wondering why. I guess there are some things we will never know.
I just don't understand how a mother can disown their own for such stupid stuff!?!? And my sister Who had to endure years of her slandering me. She would flip out on my sis and get mad at her if she didn't agree. Now because she stood up for me, she is disowned. It sounds like a sick twisted dement movie one would watch on tv.
It's a good thing your dad forgets about it the next day. And you and your mom can laugh about it. I can imagine you guys looking for who knows what!! LOL
I too would have to find my dad's things he would always misplace. It always seemed to be his glasses cuz he couldn't see to find them. LOL

My mom is accusing her great- granddaughters of stealing from her. They are in collage and paid by my sister to clean my mom's home. They love her dearly and I know would never take anything from her. My mom calls me all the time to tell me things they have taken from her. She thinks they are trying to make everyone think she is loosing her mind so we will put her in a nursing home and they won't have to clean her home any more. She doesn't want to tell my sister because she is afraid Becky the girls mom would be hurt by this and she loves Becky and would never want to hurt her. I don't know what to tell her when she accuses them. I have looked and found a lot of things and she always says well they brought it back trying to make her think she is going crazy. She has even said that if she had a gun she would shoot herself because she can't stand this. I know she will need help to clean her home if they don't do it and I am sure she will accuse that person of taking things too.

This is solo common in elder parents. It's happened to me and my brother and mom continually brings it up and repeats the theft to whoever will listen. She won't let us "help" locate missing items, jewelry, money, wills, poas, etc. I finally just let it go. Relatives call and that is what is most offensive since they have no idea what we deal with nor call, visit mom to see how she really is and the extent of the dementia.

Now, I just encourage her to call the police and make a report. They have her number as she accused my brother and her friend of robbing her safety deposit box....LOL. Police called me and I explained and because she has called for various mis accusations of neighbors and friends they no longer respond.

It's sad. I have read that you should remove valuables and lock them up in a safe place from your loved one. They suggest following the loved one as they root thru and hide stuff so you know their favorite hiding spots -- do so such that they are not aware of your spying. Also let them have drawers, bins, etc. that have items they can rummage thru and freely hide items, etc. without worry. Then if they hide stuff, search out their favorite spots and help them "find the lost article".

It hurts to be accused, but eventually, you may find it funny as I've grown to. PS. The funniest story my mom told was that my brother had flown across the country, broke into the house, stole her safe deposit keys, went to bank, stole $17K all in ones, from her safety dep box and then "only left her the rubber band"...the deposit box is a small one --so that $17K in ones musta been packed in darn tight...LOL. Then he went out and paid cash for a new FIAT. Hilarious. He's retired and lives across the country. We had a good laugh. BTW, she did go to the police and they called me about the accusation.

I am going through the same thing with my mom. She accuses me of being greedy and taking everything. She wanted to purchase a handicap van and traded her car for it. I had to put the van in my name as she did not have a drivers license and can't register it without one. She accuses me of stealing the van which is sitting outside her apartment and she accuses the lady that stays with her of taking it and going off to bars and such. The lady has the patience of a saint, but I know that she can only take so much also!

I think my sister may be "gaslighting" our mom to make her question her sanity. After a family meeting to distribute some valuables to us 4 siblings, my brother ended up with our mom's 14k gold nursing pin. My sister wanted it so she just grabbed it from him - I saw with my own two eyes sitting right next to him. So next day my mom asked me who ended up with her pin, I told her my sister had grabbed it from brother. She asked my sister about it and she denied having it. So my mom was very upset that it was lost and she and I together searched her drawer she keeps all her jewelry in for 20 min. and I can say with absolute certainty it was not there. A month later my mom tells me she has found it in that drawer! I think my sister is trying to make my mom question her mental fitness in order to get control of her by having her declared incompetent. She may be taking things and having our mom look for them, then later secretly returning them and having our mom find them as if they had been there all along. This is a horrible way to have to think about my sister's treatment of our mom, but she is a liar, thief and I put nothing past her. She has made it very obvious that her goal is to get all of the inheritance for herself cutting her siblings out. My mom blindly trusts her and there's no way to convince her that she is a scheming evil person. Tough situation and very sad...but nothing I can do since my mom wants her in control of her life.

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately buy her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately buy her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately by her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

It's heartbreaking when someone we love falsely accuses us of stealing. Many of us have been through this. I'm glad you had your nephew, at least. It's too bad that more relatives can't at least tell you that they know that your mom is having cognitive issues that have nothing to do with you stealing from her.

We can't change what's happening to you, but we can tell you that we do understand how badly this hurts. Please keep coming back to read what others say.
Carol

You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your parents' dementia. If this has happened before, hopefully others are aware of that.

The only thing I can do is to send my mother cards saying I love her. She hangs up on me if I call and won't allow me to visit until I return her phantom house papers. It's so sad. I miss the town I was raised in as it has always been my only real home. Its hard to adjust. I always looked forward to my visits there every 10 weeks. It's been 15 months since I've seen her and I feel such an emptiness. I had been going to a therapist and she emphasized that I had done nothing wrong. I miss her so much and my life I had there. I've written her doctor since I was concerned over her mental health however never received a response..... I've been asked by relatives there what they should do and have asked them to check in on her and make sure she is okay however they only come on Sunday to eat and collect give aways. This makes you realize just how wrong you have been about your relatives.

I am an Asian, we believed that taking care of parents is our life duty. I had my first marriage and she accrued my ex wife of being dishonest towards money matters to her, also picking on her by thinking that she steal from her. The main thing was me, she thinks she stole me from her. So partly due to this we were divorce. Then years later I got my 2nd marriage soon again it happen first she accused us of throwing away all her tea spoons, then accusing us taken all the scissors from the house. many more others. Then today she drop her wallet I think with thousands of cash in it with her ID card, but she did not realized that the money was inside the wallet. she start finding her wallet and keep saying that she must have drop it in the florists or on the way. Then I remind her that her money is also meeting. Suddenly her story change she said she lost the money at home and only 3 of us home. She my wife and myself. I try helping her to find it. wallet and cash were no where to be found. but I found the all the Tea Spoons, Scissors and Keys. which some she had claimed it was taken by us. I brought over the house from her by paying the market rate 20 years back, so she don't have to shift but continue to stay with me. But then she had been telling everybody she give the house to me, now she even claim the house is hers, we are here staying in her house. I have been buy dinner for her every day but then she tell people around that I treated her badly, buying her food only if I like, if not nothing. Also claim that we are home late at night every day, but we are always home after work knowing that she don't like us leaving her home alone. we left 7 plus in the morning and home around 8pm. Aren't that is the normal for many working adult? See I am even suffering more then being accused as a theft.. But life have to go on... Can I disown my mum?

Hi There. I have a mom with dementia too. She has always been in love with extravagant jewelry .She has always dressed very well. Since her disease has worsened she has been accusing my dad of stealing her jewelry. When he tries to look for it this just reinforces the fact that he is trying to steal it.
He usually finds her "stolen" items six months later in little hiding places all over the house.
We bought her a safe hoping this would prevent anymore "Stealing".
2 nights ago she says she woke up to my dad pulling at her wrist and taking her gold bracelet. She is beside herself with grief and disappointment. The bracelet is missing and I just don't know how to deal with the hallucination and missing item. My dad is getting very discouraged as well.

31/08/2015
I have cared for my parents for 25 years. The last 4 years have been so difficult. Each year getting much harder than the last. My mother has suffered from schizophrenia all of my life (no one ever believed just how bad things really were except for my immediate family).

My father suffered from vascular dementia, was doubly incontinent, nearly blind, diabetic, and had mobility problems and frequent falls and infections for the last 4 years. I cared for both my parents until September last years when things got so much worse and my father was admitted to hospital with heart failure. He now resides in a care home.

I was then left to look after my mother ( which was impossible). I spent 7 months running between both. No one would listen and no one would help. Eventually my mother attempted to take her own life (serious attempt with many injuries). She to now resides in a care home now.

I was astonished to learn recently that both my parents have accused me of stealing their money.

A sad thankless end to my broken life. The caring cycle has had a detrimental affect on my marriage and relationship with my grownup children. I really wish I had walked away years ago. I am nearly 60.

My brother who lives in Australia has not been home in 4 years now. He has just recently got married and graduated. His new wife is religious and both she and my brother are very involved with the church. Amazes me.

My brother sends letters home thanking my father and mother for a wonderful life and telling them he thinks of them regularly and prays for them. This is a totally different story then he told me. In fact quite the contrary he said as my father had nothing to give only his money then he might as well take it. How they can attend church with a clear conscious - beats me !!!!

I live abroad and get to visit my mom almost every year , and this year i am planning to go again inspite of financial difficulties because her confusion is just getting worse and she is asking me to take care of things for her asap. She keeps "losing" stuff and thinks her maid is the culprit . Because of this forum i have come to realize what to expect and how to handle her but being an only child of someone who has alienated everyone else is a major challenge so help me God .

I lived overseas as well when all this happened. I ended up returning home because the situation just got so out of control. My mother passed in 2012 and I still have my father who is 93 is still alive and has NO CLUE the effort I have to put in to take care of his live AND mine.

Well i'm giving you a virtual hug i admire your selflessness. You are an angel in our midst. I hope you take good care of yourself -- don't work too hard save some love for yourself God bless. I am in a quandary coz mom is very fickle about me taking charge of her life. I am taking it one day at a time but i am preparing internally for any eventuality .

You can't understand the effort unless you've lived it yourself. We are all warriors fighting a battle to do what is right and stay sane, often when you have a patent that fights you tooth and nail when all you're trying to do is the right thing. Soooo frustrating.

My grandmother will be 96 this month. It's amazing how well she does (eating, dressing) while being hard of hearing and legally blind. She reminds me a lot like Judge Judy, a blind JJ of course who's hard of hearing. My girlfriend of 20 years and I have been accused of just about everything to the point that I must be not a thief but a MASTER thief. Even though she's legally blind she is able to dial 911 and does fairly often. The police are normally understanding problem is takes a fair amount of wasting theres until they are. They suggest it's time for assisted living and thats probably the best answer to an unsolvable situation. PLANETKURTH

darbaby, with your dad being a veteran, does he get any services from the VA?

I take care of my grandmother who is now 88 years old. She has been diagnosed with dementia. She is very hard to deal with. It seems like everyday something is missing. From her cigarettes, pain pills, food, to cash in her purse. She swears that one of my kids are coming in and taking these things. My kids range from the ages of 5 to 9. Knowing that they do not go into her room unless invited by her and do not have need for the things that go missing. Its getting hard to smile and tell her "I'll talk to the kids". As time has gone on she screams and yells that someone took her stuff. Even when she finds them she screams that someone must of brought the object back and put it in a hiding spot. Everything is always found (unless its a pill she took or cigarette she smoked). There is no point in telling her that she just misplaced something. She just tells me that there is something wrong with me and then blames it all on me. I tell her ill look into it and talk to the kids. Then change the subject to something else. If she is in a fighting mood I tell her ill be back when she is feeling better and leave her room for a while. This is the best way I have found to handle it but ill tell you some days I want to lock myself in a closet and hide or run for the hills.

2nd best, I believe this has happened to my hub's aunt with their grandson, with him getting their last pack of checks from their check pack they got in the mail, with taking it first, causing her to be calling the bank telling them she hadn't gotten in yet with them being able to tell her when it was sent out and when she should have gotten it with him hearing all this so that it showed up the next day in the place where she always keeps it except for the last pack, which was missing

debdaugher...sad that he would take advantage of his elderly grandmother by stealing her checks! Sounds like he thought he was about to get caught so put the checks back right where she keeps them, making her think they were there all along, but cunningly keeping the last pack. So sad that younger people would take advantage of an elderly relative like that, but it's quite common I guess.

It's painful to me to know that my sister has duped my mom so many times. The nurse's pin incident is just one of many. There was no reason for my sister to lie about it - all I can think of is that she is a pathological liar and when she has the choice to tell the truth or tell a lie, she tells a lie even if it serves no real purpose. What's sad to me is that she gets by with doing this to my mom regularly but my mom never catches on, never has that aha moment where she realizes she has been duped. I guess what she doesn't know won't hurt her, but it is still sad for me to know that it's happening but can't convince my mom of what my sister is doing. It just makes me realize I made the right decision to cut ties with her (my sister) several years ago. I don't need that kind of craziness and outright evil in my life.

yes, 2nd best, it does seem to be; she did call the bank and found out they'd almost all been passed, which is something I don't quite understand the bank letting happen; I think they could have known she wasn't writing them, then of course she saw it again on her bank statement