I am a senior age 76 I sold my home a few years ago and moved in with my daughter. She recently found out I planned on leaving the money from my house to my son's kids ages 18 and 12 for help with their education. I am leaving nothing to her or her my son. My son is fine with this and says I should spend the money on myself while I can still enjoy it. My son works but does not make near the money my daughter does. My daughter has a daughter that is married and her and her husband have a good income as well. My daughter also has a 16 y/o son that she adopted and she gives them everything. He is in a private school. My daughter and her ex both makes 6 figure incomes. I am helping my son's 2 kids that have no help with their schooling. My daughter says I am playing favorites by leaving my son, her and her son & daughter out of my will. She got really angry and told me I was not wanted, and nobody cares about me nor do they want me around. She has asked me to leave and has not spoken to me in a month. She does not charge me rent, but I do everything. All the housekeeping, laundry, the pet care plus I buy the food and treats for the pets (3 cats and 2 dogs). I also buy all the cleaning supplies as well as groceries. I am moving soon to live on my own. I have stage 4 lung cancer and other health issues. I am in shock that she could be so cruel and hurtful. I simply cannot forgive this. I did not see this coming. Any suggestions as to what I should do?
The poster likley bailed because they didn't get the pity she was after and no one was bad-mouthing the daughter like she wanted.
I mean, come on. Your kid (not you per se) takes you in years ago and for free. Then you turn around and screw them over and their kids out of inheritance? Then mention about their kid being "adopted" as if that's not as good as any other kid?
The OP deserved to get told as she did. It's her choice not to return because the people here failed to tell her what she wanted to hear.
inheritance grows wealth through generations. My parents inherited and saved money. My husband and I saved for retirement and will inherit if Mom doesn't need her savings.
my husband and I never counted on money from our parents. My husband is almost 68 and still works.
My husband and I trust our kids to invest wisely to pass money to our Grandkids.
For now that's how our Wills read now, the 2 girls split our assets. One girl makes 40k less than the other. The one making more owns a house and has 2 sons. The other shares an apt and has no children. Both are single at this point. So, should I split my estate 40/60 in favor of the child who makes less and has less than her older sister?
We have been recipients of the trickle down effect. A bachelor Uncle left his 5 siblings his estate. Each sibling got 75k. The siblings who had passed, their inheritance went to the children. My MIL had passed. But is that fair to the nieces and nephews that got nothing. The one sibling that was living her 75k went to her care in a NH. Her daughter saw nothing of that inheritance. My Will has no stipulation for my grandsons. If one daughter passes before us, the one remaining gets the whole estate. Now, this could change if the daughter with the children dies before us. We may then consider changing the Will to consider the boys.
It really surprises me when people think grandchildren should inherit. They will inherit from their parents. And I am all for leaving your money to whoever you want. Its your money to do with it as you please. We do not know the full story here. We do things at the time we feel is right. There is always someone who thinks we did it wrong. Or gets mad because they felt they should get. Its really hard to make the right decision and make everyone happy.
We just came from a 10 day trip visiting family one being an Aunt and Uncle in their 90s. They have never had children and he did well retiring at 55. I was saying to a BIL how they did very well living on investments he had made. My BIL then says he is Executor for this Uncle (who is not a blood relative, the Aunt is) and "your not getting anything". I was floored, we never expected to get anything from this Uncle. Always felt if he outlived the Aunt, it would go to his side of the family because we weren't close. And if Aunt survived him, she would leave her money to a niece she was close to. BIL should never have said anything. To me that was private. Uncle would have passed. And we would have just gone our merry way not knowing a thing or caring.
“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time”
I fully agree with the way my parents did it. Their trust was to be split equally four ways amongst their children. If any child died, their children would get their deceased parent's share. (So other grandchildren don't? So what? They have their living parent, who can plan to pass on the inheritance to them.) If the deceased child has no children (one of my siblings is not married and has no kids), then their share is split among the remaining three siblings.
It is definitely the model I want for my estate.
How your daughter feels however does NOT make her an abuser. She's hurt. It doesn't sound to me like she's been caring for you if you do all the housekeeping etc. But her feelings are valid for her. In my opinion her reaction is not "unforgivable" as you say, she may feel your decision is unforgivable.
It sucks this all had to come out when you have stage 4 cancer. And you can't put the genie back in the bottle. All you can do is hope for reconciliation and healing as time passes. Not an easy situation to repair. Are there items of sentiment that could be left to your daughter and hers? Jewelry etc. Just a thought.
I have two sons and both have kids. Our will leaves everything to our sons equally. My Mothers Will leaves everything equally to her remaining children.
When we pass away the aftermath of what we do in our Will is going to cause pain and hurt to anyone left out and will strain the relationship of the siblings as well.
I hope you are at least lurking and reading these posts. When you pass away your actions will live in and I truly feel sorry for your kids.
I am curious...does your mother's will leave a deceased child's portion to that child's children (if there are any)? Or, if that child has children, does his/her share get split up amongst their siblings?
My mil changed the title to her summer lakefront cottage to her 5 children with right of survivorship. If one of the children dies, their share gets split among the remaining siblings. The deceased sibling's children get nothing -- they are cut out. The "last sibling standing" gets normal ownership of the cottage, and their heirs get it when they die. Very unfair -- there are many issues with ownership schemes such as this.
It sounds like you have a lot of hurt towards your parents. It is not his fault if they favored him over you. Don't become consumed by jealousy over it. The only person who will end up hurt is you.
What you can enabling may be something different to your parents. They may think that paying your brother's bills and supporting him as a kind of insurance policy so he will be their caregiver. Did you ever consider that?
You know what the blessing is for you if such is the case?
The blessing is YOU will remain off the caregiver hook. You will never have to take on any of it and that my friend, is a true blessing.
You know siblings often grow up in the same house with the same parents and have completely different relationships and experiences with them. Myself, I had a sad, miserable childhood and adolescence because I was the family scapegoat for my abusive, narcissistic, bully of a mother. I got the short end and usually the brown end of every stick, every time, in my family. You say your parents blame themselves for why your brother is the spoiled, entitled loser you describe. Did you ever ask them why they blame themselves? Or what they think they did to make him the way he is?
Their answers might surprise you and help you understand their dynamic with him.
Try to let go of your jealousy and you are jealous. Jealous that your parents do everything for your brother. Jealous that they favor him over you. It's hard to let it go, but not impossible. Go to therapy if you need to get past the jealousy.
It's not worth it.
I agree that the OP most likely won’t post anything.
Do you wonder what the daughter would post had she written a post of her own?
Any bets from anyone that the daughter’s posting would be the polar opposite of what the OP has written? I bet that it would be vastly different from the OP.
Some people are blind to everything around them. They usually only tell ‘their’ side. They want empathy from others but won’t offer any compassion to others unless there is something in it for them. They will mention all that they do to help others, but mention nothing that others do for them. When they do something for others it always has strings attached.
Mentally ill? Perhaps. Just plain mean? Maybe. Has been abused themselves and is now passing the abuse onward? Possibly. Is in need of therapy? Most definitely! Would agree to therapy? I doubt it. Who knows the real story?
People who feel like they are always right and others are wrong will never seek help. They form a pattern of blaming other people.
But absolutely nothing excuses poor behavior. All it does is possibly explain a reason for it.
Even when a person shows empathy and compassion to them in the hopes that they will see their own despicable behavior, they ignore it.
Or when a person is direct or even blunt with them in hopes of getting them to open their eyes, mind and heart, they fail to get them to see anything that they don’t wish to see.
It’s often a ‘no win’ situation which is incredibly sad for everyone involved.
We have no power to change anyone else’s behavior. We can choose to leave craziness behind and move forward.
I suspect that the OP’s daughter will be just fine in due time. Hurt? Yes. Wounded? Sure. Broken? I don’t think so. I bet that she has dealt with her mother long enough to know what she is dealing with and has now chosen to focus on herself and her family. Good for her!
If it turns out where things work out between the mother and daughter, great but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for it. Mom has a lot to make amends for. Her daughter absolutely does not have to welcome her back into her life or home.
Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is to leave them alone. This mother needs to let her daughter live in peace.
The will should be discussed as part of a general shared understanding.
Perhaps that is your goal? You want to cling to your out of time tendency top favor your son over the daughter who has opened her home to you, loved and cared for you? It is your wish to leave a legacy of divisiveness and destroy the future relationships between your children and your grandchildren?
Your daughter is not the abuser, you are. I'm sorry that you have late stage cancer and are now without the support of your loving daughter, but this is all of your own doing.
Make a Codicil to your Will and make it all an even split. Then humbly apologize to your daughter and see where things go from there.
OP, your profile says that "I am caring for someone with age-related decline." Obviously you are the one who is being cared for. Besides the Stage 4 lung cancer, what is your "age-related decline"?
Like many here, I think your D has a right to be upset. How did she find out that you had disinherited her? Are you going to keep the will as it is, or change it now? And don't you think you owe her something for her taking you in? What would you have spent if you'd been living independently during these years that you have been living with her?
I am glad that she's found out. I can't imagine people finding out after the elder dies that they get nothing, after taking care of the elder.
You should have informed your D of your plans before you moved in with her.
It's been a month now....how are things going with your moving out? What does, "I am moving soon" really mean. Have you found something?
At certain times I had been hurt so badly by my family that it was difficult for me to trust again. I am grateful that we were able to make peace with one another.
During all of the crazy past commotion, I remember saying to my mother’s face that after she died I would never have a relationship with my brothers again! I didn’t mean to hurt her. I lashed out in frustration because she focused so much of her attention on her sons and I was the one that did everything for her.
Fortunately, after my brother became involved in mom’s care, he apologized to me. He even said, “I heard your words over and over in my head. Now I understand what you were saying.”
I suppose the saying, ‘Never say never’ holds true sometimes because I truly didn’t ever expect a positive outcome.
Mom was at peace and so were we during her last weeks of life in her hospice home because my brothers and I were getting along without conflict.
Parents really do a number on their children when they play one against the other.
It’s almost impossible to get a parent to see what they are doing if they don’t feel that they are wrong. Most of their issues stem from believing antiquated ideas, such as, ‘Daughters are meant to be caregivers. Sons don’t get involved in caregiving.’
So, op, to answer your question:
Get out now. Not next month or later regardless of what your health is. That is your daughters wish as well as what you said you would do.
My parents have only shared their will and testament with the special daughter, who btw they also expect to take care of them until the end, but hey, she never left home, cause they enabled her, and it is a big fat mess, possibly. I have little interest in my parents will now, expect our youngest sis to be the recipient of most, and I could care less. We took care of ourselves our entire adult life, and will do so until our death. Doubtful there is anything coming from my husband’s mom either, living years in a memory care facility, that they arranged for themselves. Mad respect for my PIL.
I know that I have said more than a mouthful. Please allow me to share a bit more.
I believe that your daughter loves you. I hope that you are not doubting the love that she has shown you.
No one takes on the enormous responsibility of caregiving without caring about the person they have welcomed into their home or lovingly placed in a facility chosen for them to be well cared for.
I don’t know where you will end up. Will you go with your son? A facility? In hospice?
If you do join your son, I guarantee that he will soon gain a greater respect for his sister for welcoming you into her home.
I am curious. Did you have either of your parents live with you? It’s not easy to have a parent living in our homes, even under the best circumstances.
My mom didn’t have my grandparents living with us. She had no clue what it was like to live with her parents as an adult.
Again, please try to consider looking at your situation from all sides.
People say hurtful, awful things when they are hurt and angry. Don’t take everything that has been said as absolute truth as to what is deeply held in your daughter’s heart.
Do look at your actions and question if you feel that you have pushed her too far. Accept the consequences of your actions.
Be brutally honest with yourself and apologize to her for your actions that have caused her any pain.
Explain things to your son. Hopefully he will appreciate that you value your children and grandchildren equally.
My mom acknowledged that I was overburdened with her care. I appreciated her saying that to me. She didn’t ever admit that she favored her sons. I stopped expecting her to.
She lived with us well over a decade and then moved into my brother’s home for a bit over a year.
Mom’s behavior caused sibling rivalry between us. Fortunately, our relationship has long been healed. It is awfully sad that it doesn’t always work out that way.
In spite of the struggles, I did love my mom. We were fortunate enough to make peace with one another.
She died in a hospice facility. I choose to remember more of the joyful moments that I had with my mom than I do the heartbreaking moments.
Therapy, online sites such as AgingCare and in person support groups helped me to cope.
Maybe you could try to remember the happier moments with your daughter. I can’t imagine that she would invite you into her home if she didn’t want you there to share in her family’s life. Nor do I believe that she never cared about you.
Please speak to someone, a social worker, or a therapist who can help you put things into perspective. I hope that this situation will have a peaceful outcome for all involved.
The op says she has lived there for years. Every year meant at least 20k of savings, and that’s now ending. Op needs to move out, pay her own bills.
Please disregard my screen name. My mother died well over a year ago.
I haven’t posted on this site in a very long time.
I deliberately took a break from anything that related to caregiving in any way.
I certainly don’t disapprove of others staying on this site to help others. I remained on this site for awhile but it was triggering disturbing emotions, so I left because it was what was best for me.
My life changed drastically due to being a caregiver to my parents for decades and even after they died I struggled to process it all.
Like your daughter, I invited my mom to move in with my family. I do hope that you realize what a selfless act this is.
Like all mothers and daughters, my mom and I had our ups and downs. Most of us will admit that family relationships are anything but simple.
It is okay, even normal for us to be confused and question our circumstances at times. We have all been there due to various reasons.
Everyone is entitled to hold their own personal views. I ask you though, as someone who has been in your daughter’s shoes to please look at the situation from her point of view.
I understand that you love your son and his family. Please don’t lose sight of your daughter and her family. Please see her as your child with equal value to your son.
It may be helpful to speak with a professional therapist who will be objective and can help you to fully understand the situation at hand, especially now, since you are dealing with a health issue as devastating as cancer.
My mom was similar to you in some ways but extremely different from you in others. She favored my brothers. She continually gave money to them and although there wasn’t much money left, she left it to my brothers because she felt that they needed it most.
I wonder if you have a situation like many of us have had. Conflicts arose long before you were living with your daughter.
My mom felt that my brothers needed help. I was supposed to get help from a man. Her opinion was that women are to marry and be ‘taken care of’ by their husbands.
I paid for my own education, rent, utilities, transportation, wedding and everything else in life.
Life wasn’t easy but I learned that I could survive on my own. That’s more than my brothers learned. They learned to stick their hands out for our mom to place money in them. Is that what you want your son to learn?
Another downfall is that this situation has damaged your children’s relationship with each other.
You are blessed with grandchildren. How wonderful! Please show your love by loving all of them.
I had health issues that prevented me from conceiving a child. I finally said, no more. It didn’t matter to us if our child was biologically related to us or not. I got off my emotional roller coaster infertility treatment ride and we decided to adopt. We have a beautiful daughter. She is our child, period!
Words could never describe the love we felt for her as soon as we laid eyes on her precious little face.
She was the apple of my father’s eye. My mother adored her and never treated her as ‘less than’ her bio grandchildren.
Many years later I conceived a child without the help of fertility doctors. We were shocked but delighted. Our love for them is identical. Simply put, we have two children. We don’t say, ‘one is adopted and one is biological.’ My younger daughter says, “This is my sister.”
Please stop making differences between your grandchildren and children.
My parents showed absolutely no favoritism whatsoever. A parent is a parent, whether biology is involved or not.
A child is your child, whether a person gives birth or they adopt or they foster or they inherit a child through a marriage. Sorry, I don’t use the word ‘step.’
I don’t refer to my nieces and nephews as biological or step. I love each and every one of them the same. I never introduce them as bio or step. I simply say niece or nephew.
I wish your entire family all the best.
"I do everything, housekeeping, laundry, the pet care plus I buy the food and treats for the pets (3 cats and 2 dogs). I also buy all the cleaning supplies as well as groceries."
IMO, you don't need to pay rent, you do seem to contribute to the household. And, your entitled to leave your money to whomever u want. Children should not expect anything from Mom and Dad. Either should grandchildren. I really see ur point. I would not have done it, though. My estate is going to my girls. If they want to use it on their children's education, thats up to them. But it should not have been brought to light until after your death. What is in a Will should be private. Not even the Executor needs to know what's in it until its probated and becomes public. Saying that...I think there is more going on here than you are saying. There are two sides to this story. Was this maybe the straw that broke the Camel's back?
How have you acted since moving in with them? Burnt brings up a good point about the mention of an "adopted child". Do you tend to single this one out? Have you not really excepted him/her as a grandson/daughter. There's a picture that went around on Facebook with children lined up in front of a Christmas Tree in all the same pattern of PJs from grandmom but one, the child that was brought into the marriage which was not her bio grand she was in a different pattern. Seems grandmom only gave PJs to her bio grands. Sorry, I really think there is more going on here then just this one blow up.
When, as a child, I would complain about somebody doing or saying something not nice to me, the first thing Mom would say was "what did you do?". I really don't think this is the first confrontation u have had with your daughter. And I think in this instance you blurted out that only the sons children were inheriting. Next thing daughter said "get out". People only tend to do this when they have had enough.
I am so sorry you are going thru lung cancer. I think moving out is a good thing at this point. I hope that your son is with you throughout your recovery. I hope I am wrong about what went on between u and daughter. I pray that you can patch things up with your daughter.
Op, you made the decision to cut daughters family out. Daughter has now responded that therefore, she’s not going to subsidize you anymore.
To every action, there is a consequence. Yours is that you need to leave now. It’s almost the first. You’re spry inough to do ALL the housekeeping and pet feeding and have proceeds from a house.
If you treat your daughters son as anything other than your grandchild YOU are the one that is being abusive. Not physically but mentally and emotionally.
Start looking for a place that you can afford.
Use the money that you will "leave" to your heirs.
The money that you have saved is yours to pay for your food, housing, and other living expenses.
Start doing things you want to do.
If you want to treat your son's children to some experiences while you can take them on a trip with you. Let them have some time with you, let them see things that they will remember, educate them.
You are lucky that your daughter is not charging you rent.
Doing "chores" around the house is not paying for your living expenses or "upkeep" if is part of being a member of a household. Just like you probably had your kids do chores around the house when they were growing up.
I think that you omitting your daughters children from your Will is uncalled for.
They are your grandchildren. The adopted grandchild is just as much your grandchild as any of the others.
Personally I think that you should divide your assets equally.
Your comment is very well articulated.
As the mother of an adopted child, I would never recover from this kind of rejection on behalf of my child and my grandkids.
This unequal division will leave a legacy of strife that may destroy all future familial ties and is a terrible legacy for anyone to leave.
And then she makes sure to tell us that the daughters son is adopted.
That part about the daughter's son being adopted really got to me. As everyone on the forum knows my son, my only child is not my biological child. His father, my second husband was widowed when he was almost two years old. I have been his mom his whole life. My mother was never a grandma to him and he's a kid any parent or grandparent would be proud of.
When I saw this part in the OP's post, it told me a lot about what her true colors probably are.
What your situation looks like to me and I'm sure others as well is you figured you'd move in with a daughter (like most elders do), live there for free, and then she'd be your caregiver if needs be. If she couldn't be there to actually meet your hands-on caregiving needs, she'd arrange for hired caregivers to come in and do for you, at her expense.
It really doesn't seem fair to me that you live in her house for free then cut her out of your will. You claim here that your daughter is accusing you of playing favorites. I'm sure you can see why she would think this.
Why did you not move in with your son instead? Him and his family will be the ones benefitting from you financially. It's reasonable that he and his family should have been the ones to take you in and the people who provide for your care needs.
As for you doing all of the housekeeping, laundry, food, and pet care I'd be willing to bet your daughter did not make this a condition for you to move into her house. More likely you came up with this arrangement to make the idea of you moving into your daughter's house more appealing. Also, if your daughter and her husband have all the money like you say they do, they could easily hire a housekeeper for their domestic needs and a dog watcher. I'm sure having her mother become a wage-free domestic servant is not why your daughter let you move into her home.
Your daughter is not abusing you and you should really not refer to her as an 'abuser' in this post or anywhere else.
You're a sick woman and I am sorry for you and wish you recovery from your illness. Try to make things right with your daughter. You should have discussed how you were planning to leave your estate and that she's cut out before moving in with her. Talk to her now though. If she won't take your calls then write her a letter. Sned her an email. It looks like you're the one who is wrong here and there needs to be some communication.
I think the responses reflect that the forum is populated by many members whose parents have played toxic games all their lives and right or wrong they are quick to pounce on anything they perceive as that. Some people are truly toxic but my hope is that most are just misinformed or may have made an error in judgement.
I'm sorry that your daughter took your revelation so badly. In my family, no matter what the perceived need, inheritance is always divided equally.
To be frank, you only see the surface of your daughter's finances. Consider that she may be deep in debt.
I'm not sure there is any way to repair this breach after such hurtful words have been spoken.
Folks who post here are not looking to get slammed. They need to see that there are choices other than the ones that are causing them and their loved ones pain.
I agree with you one-hundred percent. I ask did the OP tell let her daughter know how she was planning her estate BEFORE she moved into her house a few years ago? My guess is she did not. This seems very sneaky and underhanded to me. I'm not saying that it was the OP's intention to get one over on her daughter, but it looks that way.
How can you fix this situation you've created, do you think?
Best of luck with your health situation and finding a new place to live.