My son has been taking care of his father for ten to 15 years . His father has been an alcoholic and has drug my son through hell !!! violence destroying his home (my sons home) and threatening him if he try’s to make him leave , his father has said he’d injure himself and say my son was abusing him if he tryed to make him leave and or destroy his home smh his father is wheelchairbound for the most part and is no longer drinking , but refuses to go to assisted living . My son is so burnt out and just wants a life as he deserves. I fear the depression of not k owing what to do is getting worse. My son feels like he’s obligated to care for him although he is notHe feels trapped in a situation he can’t get out of . Everytime he had a job (my son) his father would come up with reasons for him to leave those jobs and take care of him .his five year relationship he had has since gone to hell and now he’s stuck not knowing what to do!his father only cares for his own needs . What can he do ?
Go to the housing court in your town with your son and have him formally evicted. Literally have him served with eviction papers from a court-appointed sheriff. Doing this will get APS and social services on his case. They will find him emergency respite housing or a nursing home if he meets nursing home criteria.
Both you and your son should start going to Al-Anon meetings. It will really help both of you cope with having an alcoholic in your lives and teach you the right way to deal with the manipulative and abusive behavior alcoholics and addicts engage in to maintain the status quo and to keep control of their enablers.
Your son also needs to take some accountability for himself for his own sake. He doesn't quit all of his jobs because of his father. That's an excuse.
You and your son are his enablers. No doubt you don't mean to be but you both are. I didn't mean to be one with my first husband either who was an alcoholic, but I was. He was a good, hard-working guy. Certainly he wasn't like the piece of work you make your son's father out to be.
Get him legally evicted and start going to Al-Anon meeting with your son.
If I'm wrong good!!! If I'm right please encourage your son to get therapy, go to al anon. He should be there anyways, even without, he has an alcoholic parent, and needs to deal with it, with or without, sperm guy in the picture.
Also tell your son to read and learn everything he can about codependency, and enabling. These are older books so there may be better newer books out there, on the subject, but I would strongly suggest, any Melody Beattys books. One is "Codependency No More" another one I liked is " 12 steps to Codependency" it's just like the 12 steps for an alcoholic, but it's the 12 steps for the alcoholics family instead.
Your son's father, may also be what people call a dry drunk, or have alcohol related dementia.
Best of luck to you and your son
The process is basically the same here. Although you have to allow for lying social workers who will promise all kinds of services if you'll take the person back.
Your son however needs to grow a set of balls and tell his father that he'll no longer be caring for him and that he has until the end of the month to find some where else to live.
Even if your son has to call APS to come out and do an assessment, and turn over his father into their care, which will mean the state taking over, which will actually be good thing as your son can then get on with living and enjoying his own life.
Or your son may have to file for eviction if he doesn't want to go the APS route.
Either way he needs to get his father out of his house sooner than later.
And your son has to understand that his father IS NOT his responsibility, and is very manipulative and a very evil and mentally sick person.
It sounds like he's done a lot of mental damage to your son as well, which should concern you too, and I do hope that once he gets his father out of his home that you will encourage him to get some mental help therapy, so he can get his life back on track.
And why don't you just call APS and report this sick and mentally damaging situation that your son is being exposed to, and ask them to help your son get him the hell out of there if you are so concerned? As a mom myself, that is what I would do.
Sadly your son has been so beaten down that he may not be man enough to stick up for himself, and that is where you as his mom may need to step up and help him.
Your son needs a full-time paying job and to be a productive citizen. Hopefully when this sick situation is all over and done with he will be just that.
Once he is out of the house your son tells the hospital that he can NO LONGER SAFELY CARE FOR HIS DAD, PERIOD!!!!
What a piece of garbage your son has for a dad. Hopefully your son can take a stand and reclaim his life from this trash.
Your son's problem really isn't an alcoholic dad. Quite honestly, the world is just full of fully functioning people living their own lives while their alcoholic parent(s) live quite another kind of life. You say that hubby isn't now drinking, but now is w/c bound and "refuses" to go into care. Sadly, in need as he is, this isn't really his choice.
In Al-Anon your son will quickly learn that no one can help an alcoholic but the alcoholic him/herself, and that for those family members living on the periphery of the lives of alcoholics the only question is "Will you stay or will you go". While Dad isn't currently drinking, he is likely still in the realm of being a "dry drunk" as it is called, in that HIS NEEDS rule the world, and he's no empathy with anyone but himself.
On the face of it it seems an easy answer. That anyone in their right minds would go. But it isn't that easy. We all have many and differing reasons for keeping connected to our alcoholic family. Your son is on a path that is easiest for him now, likely terrified at moving from a habitual way of acting and reacting. He tells himself he is taking care of another and therefore must have no life of his own, when actually he is avoiding the "unknown".
I would encourage your son, who is co-ing his dad, to seek the help of Al-Anon, because the last thing needed here is yet another "co", this one doing it to a son who is doing it to/with his dad. Encourage counseling of some kind. And do attend Al-Anon yourself. You will get tremendous support, invaluable hints and guidance and ideas from those who have BEEN THERE.
I wish you the best of luck, and your son and ex hubby as well. You cannot make your boy's decisions for him, but you can send him to get good guidance from people wiith "no skin in the game". It's easy to ignore the advice of "mom" to tell the truth. You may be that last person able to help him here.