So as it stands I spoke with my Husband and we are trying to work through our situation and he is open to the idea of placement but only if it does not have the look and feel of a hospital yet has protections in place to prevent wandering has an abundance of activities both indoor and out. I have been having a hard time finding such a place that does not exceed 20k a month.
What type of placement is ideal for someone that has dementia and needs to be kept safe from wandering and needs a lot of prompting yet is still active and capable. Preferably looking for a place that does not feel like a hospital.
I am trying to come up with viable options of placement that offer what his mother needs in terms of both safety and engagement. While also trying to limit the confusion. She will not understand why she is in a hospital setting because outside her dementia she is perfectly healthy. Also trying to find a place that feels comfortable for visitors. Since what I have noticed many of her friends don't like to go to nursing homes. That was one of their concerns when I spoke with them.
I get they are not fun places to visit. I am putting in the work to try and save our marriage cause I do love my husband. Just don't understand how normal people avoid some of these places for the long term.
Whereabouts do you live? Try googling "household model memory care" for your location and see what there might be. I'm in Maine, which is pretty rural, and I think almost all the new facilities built recently are set up this way. My brother in law has Parkinson's and is in a lovely new Vets home like this, and a nursing home down our drive just opened has this set up. I think even some older places are trying to retrofit their existing spaces to try to approximate this model.
Other than this there is the old fashioned process of going to the facilities by appointment. They will be happy to show you some rooms and etc online, but you must go to understand look, meals, activities. And this research is on your OWN, which is how my brother and I did it when he was diagnosed with Early Lewy's Dementia.
What we found FIVE YEARS AGO (say that because I am certain prices are now more) was the very beautiful Palm Springs, CA facility of Pacifica Senior Living (they have a Facebook presence if you want to look) where they had beautiful large grounds full of Roses and Jacaranda trees, a Gazebo, a main clubhouse where offices, kitchens, large communal room, happy hours, etc were, then outlying cottages that decidedly DID NOT look like Hospitals. His ALF unit had two good size rooms, good window views, and were in the corner of a cottage with room for 14 different units arranged in a circle round on one end a communal TV room with fireplace and on the other end the dining room/game room area. Office in the middle of the middle and a bath room with walk in tube if you wanted a soak instead of shower.
The activities were many. Going to movies, tour of the stars homes, etc. As well as animal visits and bingo and games and happy hour and donuts in a.m. and art and jewelry and exercise. Too many really. ONE of the cottages was larger and was locked memory care. I don't know its cost, but my bro paid just under 5,000 for his two rooms on level I care (basically self caring).
So that's a snap shot. The people were WITHOUT exception wonderful and it was a MISSION for them, not just caregiving. They were in process of making once cottage intermediate care with more staff and care and locked unit but not the needs or the cost of memory care.
I can only wish you good luck in your own search. This is something you do on your own in your own area making use of companies such as A Place for Mom if you wish, not if you don't, and etc.
Best of luck.
You’re all going to have to suck it up and admit what is, not what you wish it is. She needs 24/7 care, and there’s only so much you can hope to camouflage.
To get recommendations, join Nextdoor.com and post "ISO recommendations for elder care facilities" and you will quickly get lots of helpful and honest input from actual neighbors in your local community (and non-anonymous).
I wish you all the best as you both search.
But take a tour of some of the Memory Care facilities. Many of the new ones are not "hospital like" and more home like, warmer and inviting.
Even the large ones will have "wings" so that residents in one area are in that 1 wing and it is decorated and assigned a "theme" another wing will have another theme.
Now if you mean "hospital like" because of tile floors, no carpet, wide halls, safety railings along the wall, wide doorways, hospital beds, fire alarms, nurses stations, staff wearing uniforms and name badges, nurses, CNA's, wheelchairs, walkers that is going to happen in a facility setting. They are there for the safety of the resident as well as making it safe and easier for staff to care for the resident.
She will get used to a setting. It may take a little while and she may decline a bit but almost any change can cause a decline.
AND...because she is entering a whole new "germ pool" expect her to get sick in the first month or so. Just like almost every kid gets sick the first few week when school starts again. The same with anyone entering a facility setting.
Keep in mind with dementia, eventually she won't recognize her friends. It is not about what your husband wants, it is about what your MIL's needs are.
Here in Florida there are many facilities that look like a hotel, beautiful inside with many activities, my mother is in one, AL, my stepmother was in the same one in MC, very nice surroundings. My stepmother was paying $6,000 a month in MC.
Good Luck in finding what your husband wants, I am sure it is out there somewhere.
They are often located in single family homes so it would look less like a hospital but would possibly have some institutional looking adaptive equipment in the bathroom.
They may not have enough activities, but they used to be less expensive than memory care, so maybe you could supplement with a privately paid aide.