Everything I read about confabulation says it's "filling in gaps in memory." That makes sense when it's saying they did something they didn't do, or adding things to a story because they don't remember doing it, or don't remember the details. But, is it still confabulation when they say something that is absolutely false, like posting on Facebook that their family never visits them, and then admits offline that they know that's not true, they just feel lonely and wanted their friend to feel bad for them? My mother has always been a liar. She has always been a sympathy seeker and has always been a "victim." But, she used to have much more awareness of when and with whom she could get away with it. Now that she has dementia, all those filters are turned off. Her attention seeking and false accusations and statements are non-stop now. Is that still confabulation? Or just that Dementia has turned the filters off. Do we ignore the behavior and just accept that she literally cannot stop herself from telling the deliberate lies now? Or has the dementia made her incapable of caring that her lies are hurting people, that she could still choose not tell them, she just can't care to not tell them anymore? There's a huge, discernable difference between her not remembering something and not being convinced it's happened, or not being able to put into words that makes sense something she experienced, and her just telling flat out lies. Especially when she will admit, calmly, without any prompting other than, "Wow, that happened, Mom?" or something along those lines, and her response is, "No. I just wanted to make her mad." or something like that. What is going on? I can't find anything that explains this behavior.
She made my life a living Heel, didn't speak to her once for 4 years another 9 and now 13. I will never speak to her again.
It was her or me, I chose me.
My brother is the last remaining member of the family that has anything to do with her, she has burnt all her bridges over the years, everyone is done with her.
Me, I would stay away from her as much as possible, she will not change.
Sorry that you are going through this, I can relate.
I also agree that the internet might become a problem for her and your family if she gets targeted by scammers etc, so maybe a filter at the very least would be in order. I would not go as far as removing access completely, since she is clearly entertained by it, and it will keep her mind somewhat active - its probably better than TV since its interactive.
Other than that I suppose we all just have to grow a thicker skin. My mother confabulates a lot, but harmlessly, and she does not lie with mal intent, but I still find it stressful to listen to her stories. I force myself to just not care, to just say oh really, is that so, oh wow, that sounds amazing etc, but it hurts to be so fake, and I know she knows it. But she doesn’t understand why I’m being ingenuous, so then she pouts, gets more depressed, and tells more made up stories to get attention. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s hard enough as it is, I would not worry about what others think. You also have to save your own sanity, so if it gets too much I’d tell her, and keep my distance for a while, maybe get other people you trust to visit instead. As long as authorities are aware of the situation, and the people that are important to you know what is going on, it might not be so important to clean up after the lies.
She wont change, and probably with dementia she cant change. So just accept it, damage control as much as you can - Facebook, and internet filters - and take many deep breaths. BTW Lavender Oil capsules really help me not care so much about mothers confabulations and other sometimes embarrassing behaviors. They make for lovely smelling burps too :)
queen of victims .
What you described perplexed me as well . The doctor told me that since my mother was always a manipulative person , that this was the default in her brain now . She’s wired to lie , plan , and manipulate and without the filter she wasn’t able to stop it anymore. She was on automatic . And yes they can be aware of what they did at times .
Example ,
My mother was irate that I placed her in AL because she was not safe home alone . She was angry with me so she called 911 and told them I was abusing her . ( I was at my own home at the time. ) The police came to the facility , she admitted that the real reason she called was to complain that I put her in AL and wanted to sell her house and steal her money . ( I was selling her house to pay for AL ) .
She admitted to lying on the 911 call. She told the police that she lied and said I was “ physically abusing her “ because she figured that would get a quicker response from the police . ( which it did with lights and sirens ) .
The facility administrator explained to the police about my mother’s dementia and had not adjusted yet . The police called me at home and told me what she did. They adviced me to try to let her know there are consequences to such a serious lie . They adviced not to visit or call her for a month or so . It helped to a degree . But that may not always work with a broken brain . Every one is different , I don’t know if there is any one effective answer to how to handle the lies . especially once they become less aware they are lying .
My mother also told a host of lies about me to the administrators , my siblings , doctors etc . because she was angry at me. She admitted to me that she lied as well .
Her words were “. What else am I supposed to do ? I had to lie because you put me in this place . “
I could write a book about her histrionics .
How disgusting that your mother was such a liar and manipulator even before the dementia. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Like myself, I imagine your childhood and family life was no bowl of cherries either with a parent like that.
The administrators at the AL or any LTC facility pretty much know to expect lies and confabulations from the residents.
If your mother had enough faculties to lie and then admit to lying, there should have been some kind of consequences for that. Like having to pay for wasting police resources by calling 911. Or the facility should have no allowed her to have phone access.
Really, I think there comes a time when you just have to walk away. I saw my mother over the weekend and she started up. This time she kind of got to me and it escalated a little bit but I left before it went too far. She called my house dozens of times over the week and left dozens of messages. I got back to her in my good time on Sunday. I told her that I didn't want any more insincere, false apologies from her and that if she ever behaves to me like she did that she will never see or hear from me again in her life. So we shall see.
She carried on like this even after my husband died. Now, she is showing signs of some loss of cognition.
I'm a firm believer that it depends on the personality of the person and if they have this type of manipulative propensity that will display this type of behavior.
In all due honesty, I'm still pretty p'od about how she has treated me. However, the good book says; I must forgive. I looked up the definition of forgiveness and it said to give up resentment. I'm still holding on to the anger. I know I need to let it go.
I don't think this answer will help, but I understand the feelings that go along with dealing with this behavior. It sounds like a complete oxymoron to accept unacceptable behavior while trying to keep up front that we are dealing with someone with an illness. I think most of us forget that there is a spiritual component involved in all this as well. I think a lot of this behavior has a lot to do with a person's spiritual state before the illness takes full effect. Also, I think they are going through the five stages of grief after being diagnosed that includes denial and shock, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.
I have an alcoholic niece who loves to use the internet to gain attention. Of course, she only tells her side of the story when attacking people.
Whatever were calling it, confabulation, delusions, or downright lies your mother's "stories" or solicitations for pity can very easily be seen by the wrong or right people depending on the lie and who's believing it.
Scammers for example will pay some lonely senior soliciting pity all kinds of attention right up until every credit card is maxed out and every bank account is depleted down to the last cent.
Or some fanatical, over-zealous social worker, healthcare professional, or general do-gooder that sees a halo appearing over their own heads comes by the poor elder's total BS sad story on Facebook and they're compelled to help that poor senior, so they charge in with their proverbial swords drawn then the cops, APS, and the state show up and there will be trouble. These elders telling their lies to get pity and attention don't realize that if the state gets involved they often get placed against their will and there's not a damn thing their families can do about it.
Don't le your mother have anymore internet access unless she's supervised. Protect yourselves and her.
If I were you, I'd reply to moms Facebook posts with something like Oh Mom, You're So Silly, We All Saw You Today! 🤣😅😆
Also, if she is lucid enough to post on FB, her dementia isn't too bad at all and it's not "confabulation" but compulsive lying and attention seeking.
I have heard my mom say that she does or doesn't do things (like take her pills) to annoy the nurse. I'm 100% sure that she is not willfully doing that.
So, I. think dementia is the reason for all the conversational problems.
People with dementia should not have internet access. They especially should not use social media.
A) Mom has always been a liar
B) Mom has always seen herself as a victim
So really, what's new here?
It is just more of the same, and as you said, any tiny filters that did exist don't any more.
This is mom. Not much has changed, right? You say you have no explanation: so here is the explanation: "Nothing here has changed, it's just a bit more transparent".
Certainly dementia poked holes in her filter. She thought nothing of threatening to lie to the police or kill herself to get us to do what she wanted. Anything that got her the result she wanted became acceptable in her broken brain. No matter who it hurt or how extreme it was.
She’s always been competitive for attention too. When I fell hiking she was livid that I was referred to an orthopaedic surgeon because *everybody* knows that her knees are worse than mine. I could not weight-bear, was swollen like a melon, and she’s been walking without complaints all her life. But I should have surrendered my appt to her.
Now, when I don’t indulge her claims the way she wishes, (her dementia is advanced) she calls me fat and ugly.
She has zero concept of why it shouldn’t be all about her, all of the time, either praising her martyrhood, or fanfare for her accomplishments. I have gone Grey Rock to preserve my sanity.
OMG, the being livid because because you had a health problem worse than hers. This is my mother to the letter. No one's ever been as sick as her, in as much pain as her, and any health issue anyone else has ever had is dwarfed next to all of her suffering.
I took her to a doctor's appointment some time back. She was actually disappointed when the doctor told her she didn't have cancer. He was taken by surprise at her response and that's pretty unusual for a doctor because they see every human response there is.
The competing with other people's health issues, I know all about that.
You will need to decide how you will react/respond to what she says and does. If it were me, I would treat it all as if it were from her dementia and IGNORE it or redirect/distract her. When you give it attention you also give it power. So, don't.
You can choose to do other things, like discretely contact her FB friends (message them) to let them know that your Mom is receiving the best possible care in the circumstances. Or, you don't do anything. My Mom is 95 with early/mod dementia (and lives next door to me). Sometimes she will say her insulting confabulations to our neighbors while I'm standing right there. I just give it the old eye roll and change the subject because I've talked to them privately to let them know she has an official diagnosis and that if she says anything to them that is alarming or concerning to make sure to inform me about it first.
Dementia causes a lot of extra mental and emotional "work" for caregiving family members. It's just how it is. You're the only one who can change, so what you do with her behavior is your decision.
I have no clue the answer to your question, that I have also wondered often. I have given up trying to figure it out.
I think a lot of it is manipulation, them trying to confuse you and manipulate you to keep you guessing.
I take Mom to all her appointments, a few years ago, I got annoyed at miracle ear, because they looked at me to buy moms hearing aids. I told her from now on , I will never ever take you there, you want to go to a different place even father away, no problem, but I'll never go there again. She has been so mad at me, she recently had this huge secret, a lot of secret appointments, I was not allowed to know about. Took me a few weeks to figure it out, 😂 she got new hearing aids and didn't want me to know. Passive aggressive, manipulation silliness to make me feel, out of the group.
I still get the giggles when I talk to mom, in my usual loud tone, and she tells me not to yell.
So I pretty much think the lieing is about keeping people guessing and under her control.
She says she didn't fall, when her back hurts, then why do you have a bruise?? She tells one family member one thing another something else, to keep us annoyed with each other.
I use my eyes and intuition on how she is doing, never my ears anymore