Am curious about this. Personally, my health has deteriorated and I believe my Mom will outlive me. However, in case I do live through these caregiving years - have been wondering. Where do I go in the future?
Note: (This is not a financial question, it is a question about bad memories tainting an otherwise nice home.)
Do single caregivers without family normally stay in their houses, or move to get away from all of the bad memories? I am so miserable all of the time, I can't possibly imagine enjoying life here in this house - although I like the area and the neighborhood. And it's a cute little house with a nice floor-plan. Big yard. Nice neighbors. Relaxed and affordable. Low taxes. It would be fun to be able to decorate it properly.
Does it ever magically change? When you're happily alone again - does the house ever feel comfortable, happy? Or will there be these awful memories crowding out my future?
I don't have good memories here. Had recently bought the house & my Mom joined me immediately. So, it's been nothing but drama, worries, illness and pain & my Mom's negativity about everything for the last few years.
Plus a fall that left me permanently physically disabled. I use a Walker now to walk. But, try to do as much as I can around the house and yard.
If we survive, are we ever free? Does moving far away help? Should I start downsizing now with the hope that I'll have freedom some day? I think about moving across the country to a little house in a small town where I could start fresh & enjoy decorating & working in the yard. I have a dog, she'd go with me of course. I have no other family, so can go anywhere.
Please, I hope this does NOT go off topic with discussions about kicking her out, etc. That is not my question.
I'm well aware of how stupid I am. Don't need y'all to tell me that, or try to *help* me with that. Not on this post, at least.
Right now my focus is only on the property inside these 4 walls, bad memories and my possible future happiness.
Am just curious about caregivers being able to be happy again in an environment that has been nothing but sadness for them. Especially if they live alone. Do you have the house blessed? Burn sage and prayer? How do you clear the memories when they are almost all bad? I really do like my little house, just not the memories from within.
It's such an expense/hassle to move, Realtor's fees, moving trucks, etc - I hate to do it if I don't have to. (Assuming I live that long.) Either way - it's a nice distraction to hope there are options in the future.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
So far I haven’t found any true compelling reasons to leave. I’m not going to make any major changes to my house in the meantime, other than maintenance.
Since I really won’t know how I feel until the time comes, I’ll keep this on the back burner and hope that I don’t make any hasty decisions until I know it’s the best thing for me to do.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
Often a new location will bring you new opportunities. You already seem to have formed a mental picture of the life you would like to lead. Start researching a place you might like to live. Make a list of things you might like to do. Check into what's available for you and your dog. Sure, a move is a lot of trouble, but you do it in stages. It can give you something to look forward to. Who knows what exciting things may be waiting? Better to anticipate the future than to be weighed down by the past.
I have thought about doing exactly the same as you describe. On the other hand, this was my house to begin with and it was "my dream house", needs work done, but a great location, great neighbors, a quiet neighborhood, love my backyard with all it's trees, etc.
So what I have been doing is dreaming/actively planning fixing up the spare room into a specially purposed room, into a "creative" room, where I'd like in the future when I'm alone to try my hand at writing, maybe even a craft or two, learn to play my piano better, etc. There's a certain atmosphere/look I want to create.
I'm also actively trying to change my bedroom around decorate it, will need to paint.
I spend hours looking online and some shopping and when I'm ready, I already have wallpaper chosen, ready to order, and start creating that spare room.
On the other hand, I do have thoughts of moving to a location like you described. But I would truly consider selling everything here, and just pack a few suitcases and a few special items and "start over"... it's an awesome "freeing" feeling.
I've always felt like daydreaming helps. And now, I am just simply changing some of the daydreams into something concrete.
You'll have to stay in touch with me! We could compare notes along our journeys :)
You don't have to go through all the expense and energy of physically moving - in today's world, that can be quite costly and not always with the results you anticipated. Join new groups - be it via Meetup or at the local library. Go explore new parts of your community. Volunteer with a a cause that you have a huge calling towards. Go do new things that you have never done before. Change YOUR looks - lavender colored pixie cut hair maybe? And because your home is your 'home base', start redoing it, refreshing it, changing it. Repaint new colors, rearrange the furniture or get some new pieces. Hang new artwork on the walls - even pix from your new activities. New throwrugs and throw pillows. Add new things in the yard-new plants, shrubs, potted plants, outdoor furniture pieces.
If you keep looking at the 'old' you will keep seeing the old. If you start looking at 'new', you can start seeing 'new'. As you start making new memories, your older ones will not become as prominent. Yes, they will be there, but they won't be the sole focus anymore.
This isn't something that will all happen overnight or in a week or two. It is a slower process, but one where you can find the results you want. Just be patient and kind to yourself.
In my case, I lived with my Mom and Dad in our own little paradise.
However, when they were both gone, it was time for me to move on.
I have never regretted it. I could always look back and bring back the beautiful memories. But, in my own little cottage I have built my own memories.
I took very little, but I did save some things as memories. Everything else I gave away to friends who wanted mementoes.
I started over with “ new” things that were all hand me downs from other friends.
All the memories were good, but at age 50, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be me. I wanted to feel like, if I wanted to roast marshmallows on the kitchen range, it was up to me. If I wanted to paint it pink, it was my decision.
Honey, chances are your day will come.
And when it does, you can feel very proud of having done what you are doing now. Make a new life. Start over. Bring what you want and don’t worry about walking away from what is over.
Caregiving is often called thankless and, it can seems that way.
But there is One who sees all. And you are storing up your treasures in heaven.