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Dear Lavender, my 95 year old mom passed away a month ago. She did not live with me, so I know it’s not the same. She was in memory care the last two years. But I was always worrying about her and did my best to care for her. My brother did nothing. I was her trigger: I was not good enough of a daughter, I abandoned her in memory care, I was a liar, I was going to hell, she wished I had never been born. To everyone else she was sweet and pleasant, with the exception of certain caregivers that were triggers. My kids loved her. I hated visiting her. Constant complaining about everything. When she died, which was peaceful and in her sleep, the bad memories did not flood back. I was FREE of the torture. I could look back and know it was the dementia, and I could be more forgiving. So I think you should not worry about moving right now. See how you feel when she is gone. You might feel so unburdened that the memories will not be in the forefront, but it will feel like a new beginning. You can immediately remove the “hospital” from your living room and make it into a beautiful space. It sounds like a beautiful place, and it definitely sounds like you want to stay. However, in the meantime, you do need to take care of yourself, so please find ways to do that.
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It soy like you need a little relief. It is like that old adage of “marry in haste, regret at leisure.” Take your time in deciding what to do, but don’t stay home all the time. Leave for a one day excursion to a museum or a sight you want to see, then extend to something further away for a little longer, sign up for a class in something you have always wanted to learn, remodel a part of your house, repaint a room, volunteer with an organization you would like to participate with. There are many things to occupy you that could lead to happiness.

mMoving isn’t really good answer when you like the place you purchased.
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First of all you can never outrun you're bad memories by moving, you need help with this, I am in counseling right now. One thing my Dr said is when I think of something bad ask myself what I can do about it. The answer is always "nothing" for me. Secondly never do anything hasty. Give yourself a year to think about big decisions. If you really like your little house - give it a facelift. Remodel, get rid of old furniture, repaint. Hope this helps.....
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My mom passed away two days after Christmas this year after me caretaking her for 3 months,
confined to a hospital bed that was set up in the living room of our rental apt., we had both been living in.
Prior to that we lived in a beautiful condo on the beach that her father had left her.
Unfortunately we had to do a fire sale since she took out a reverse mortgage due to her hoarding of so many warehouses.
As for me since I don't own this place, I can barely wait to move out of here.
The awful memories and all of the stuff I've been having to throw out is a nightmare.
My 2 brother's keep telling me I won't find any cheaper rent anywhere else and of course they don't want me to live in one of there spare rooms of homes they own and I own absolutely nothing now, not even a car.
They never were here for me when I needed them either.
My mom was a fine art major and was a social butterfly involved in so much art and activities until her health started failing 15 yrs ago.
Most of her friends would have never known she had a mental illness.
Like other's posted, take a vacation, remodel your home you own and then if the memories are too much sell and move on with your life.
We all deserve some happiness after all we have been through.
This grieving of my mom's passing is like nothing I could have ever imagined in my life and for all I went through with her I miss her so much.
So live one day at a time and sometimes one hour.
Blessings to all xoxo
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
my deep condolences to you, regarding your mother.

dear depression,

your message moved me to tears.
"This grieving of my mom's passing is like nothing I could have ever imagined in my life and for all I went through with her I miss her so much."

hug!!
1 step at a time.
you loved & cared for her so much.
i wish lots of love & care to come your way!!

bundle of joy
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Not for me to say what you should or should not do. However, you sure need a break and some different perspective.
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Wow… I can personally relate to this, as I am feeling the same way. It has been a daunting thought but I have not put it to paper as well as you expressed. This is my thought ..
Do you run away or live within your memories? Do I vacation and come back to my memories? What do I do?
Where and how can I shed this to actually feel good about myself again?
My husband is 60 and I have just put him in a nursing home because of his disability. He is also deteriorating slowly. I have buried four members of my family and it’s a sickening feeling.
So now what ? Here I am!! I look in the mirror and there is only my reflection.
Feel happy I say to you . I sold my home to move on with my husband to a smaller place, but that didn’t happen. I took care of my sister who passed away and now I am living with my brother-in-law and his autistic niece. My gear is packed and I’m ready to go … but I can’t. I still have to take care of my husband. But I want to go … but where do I go to find some happiness. I wish I had that answer .
I myself live with all the memories and the work and have no time for myself.
The interior of the walls, the inside, the collection of things around you are all the memories. I say to you gather them up and clean out . Make your space . I don’t have one .
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LavenderBear,

You asked a really good questions. I think you have some great responses.

I'll add that good neighbors are golden and are like diamonds.

Can you start clearing out some of your stuff and some of Mom's stuff now? Without making a big deal to Mom?

I like the idea of making a vision board with your ideas for redecorating or what you would like in a new home.

Can you start doing some spruce up now?

My brother in law was dying from glioblastoma and my sister and and brother in law were remodeling the downstairs bathroom while he was dying. It kind of surprised me but the downstairs bathroom came out really nice.
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I have been a caregiver for my husband for over five years. He had a stroke and now has vascular dementia. I know things are going to get rough in the next years. For myself, after he passes, I have every intention of taking a vacation away from everything. Not to forget anything, because we have a wonderful life, lots of great memories. But just to get away, take a break for myself. I might move back to my home state or I might stay here. I don't know yet.

Could you take a vacation somewhere? Just get away for a while? Maybe redecorate, make your home "yours"? Give yourself some time for you.
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That's my plan. When the caregiving finally ends and I don't have to help my mom anymore, I refuse to be a caregiver or helper to ANYONE. Family, friends, and strangers are all on their own. I want NOTHING to do with caregiving.

Being my mom's caregiver is all I've known since I graduated college. She was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years after I graduated and she's still recovering from the treatments years after they ended.

Caregiving has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I sometimes wonder if my life is over. I don't have a job and I'll be looking for my very first job when freedom finally comes. I'm single and I hope to one day be some woman's husband. I'm never getting my 20s back nor am I getting back moments lost to caregiving.

I hope I can move away someday. There's little in my hometown.
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Heart2Heart Mar 2022
You are so right Bob. You've done more than your share in caregiving. Some day, you'll become a wonderful catch for someone that appreciates you to the fullest. You deserve a beautiful long, happy life. Blessings Always.
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I have not given care in my home, but I have stayed in the same house through a bad marriage of considerable length. I consider this similar in that there were many bad memories in this house, and I really didn't know if I could stay here. But--I made a pro/con list, and this really helped me. I asked myself some questions and wrote things down.

What did I like about the house? I like the way it looks from the outside, I like how it sits on the lot. I love the colors. I love the land, which is home to many pretty birds and little critters. I have a certain amount of privacy, which I enjoy, etc.
Then I compared it to what I didn't like about the house. I didn't like the bad memories. That's it. So I decided to see what I could change, within a reasonable budget, and stick it out for a handful of years, and then thought if I still felt bad at the end of that time, I could move.

First, I got rid of all my ex's things, and gave those to him. Anything that was left that bothered me, I donated to a thrift store or got rid of. Slowly over time, by thrifting, buying here and there, I got some new furnishings and decor that were only mine, and had nothing to do with my past. This did take a great deal of time, but was very much worth it.

To make a long story short, I stayed for several years (6), and during that time, got the house painted, new things here and there, and really started feeling happy. Then I met the love of my life and remarried, and now we are making new happy memories in this house! He just loves the house, and I'm soooo glad I kept it.

Just an example to think about. Let time wash over you. Let your feelings settle. It will take a while. There will be some hard days. But don't make decisions on the really hard days OR the really good days. Look at it year-to-year, look at the whole picture and see how you feel. Then after a group of years, see how you feel about that whole cluster of time. I bet you will see you have changed for the better, and if you like the house to begin with, chances are highly likely you will like it even more later, and will be so glad you stayed. And if you don't feel good, you can move! You and your sweet dog can make new memories. You'll do great! I'm rooting for you!!
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Houses and memories. I took care of my mom's house for 10 years, even after she had moved on to assisted living and memory care. When she died I had to sell it and now the walk I took almost every day for those 10 years from my house to hers, or her house when I lived with her, to my house, is not possible for me. Someone else owns it now. I cry too much as I near the house. I had to find a new route for walking. The memories I have of her house and her are actually mostly positive. I miss her. I miss her neighbors. I thought about buying out the niece and moving to Mom's house, fixing it up with my colors and punching out a skylight in the family room to make a studio, but decided to stay in my own much smaller house that already has the right colors and right light. All that said, I think fantasizing about how you will remake your home for just you is great. I think moving is more of a hassle than remodeling. Make it new and just the way you want it. Bad memories will fade. But do take a nice trip somewhere to refresh when all this is over.
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Personally, I have no intention of moving. But, I will just get my life moving in a new direction.
I love my town, my house, my yard. But, I did move my folks into MY house.
And on a plus side for my elderly self...the house is already set up with assistive devices.
Moving might give you a fresh perspective, but Bad memories are in your head. That is where they live and as far as I can tell, no matter where you might move to, your head will still be attached.
You can take the time to come to terms with them. maybe some counseling, maybe a martial arts class. Whatever might bring you strength and focus.
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Hi LavenderBear
I just finished a book that has been collecting dust for awhile. I thought of your post. You may have read it or would enjoy it now. ‘Clock Dance” by Anne Tyler.
I have seen this author recommended and I am glad I finally got to it. It has an inspiring message I think for all caregivers and helps us realize that it might just be time to give some attention to ourselves.
I hope you are having a great day.
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Countrymouse Mar 2022
Love Anne Tyler. Wonderful writer. You'd like 'A Spool Of Blue Thread,' too.
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Why not plan a new future for you where you are?

Create a vision board where you purge mom’s stuff and the associated negativity. Envision burning that sage, painting the rooms and decorating it to fit your style. In with the new - out with the old (join buy nothing on Facebook).

I wonder if all the angst and negativity from the elderly is a blessing, because the death brings a certain relief to counter from the enormity of grieving.
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Here’s a suggestion. Work out (more or less) how much it would cost you to move – commissions, taxes, transport, new furniture that fits, etc etc. It’s going to add up to quite a bit.

Then decide that that’s your budget for staying where you are. Start fantasising about how you can spend it to make your current place nicer, different, and the place where you want to be. Don’t forget to include a ‘welcome to my new (ish) home’ party for the neighbors who you are so lucky to keep!
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Please don’t think of yourself as stupid, you’ve done the best you can in helping your mom and that’s not for others to judge. As for moving, in a completely different circumstance my husband and I recently discussed at length “what to do when one of us is gone” A sudden loss in our extended family provoked the thought. We agreed that if he passed, I’d sell our home and move somewhere new, most likely in another city and/or state. I’d find something smaller, with no stairs, and downsize a lot. We’ve already downsized but on my own I’d do it again. And I agree that the memories can be hard, selling my parent’s home was difficult but very necessary for my emotional health. Turns out to be nice that a new family is enjoying it. I wish you health and peace
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P.S. Kelso34 is back. I read a lot of suggestions from all those people. Something may have sounded good. Remember ...when someone starts to talk about "themselves" or.....the attention goes from you to "them or it". I know where you are and where you are to go or do is the answer for you. God has a plan for you and you will be excited about it...as He knows what is best for you. I have seen God Work in so many people. He never fails with "solutions" or His Plan.
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Your caregiving needs to be over. If you continue with what your body and mind is telling you...you will go beyond "frustration" to neglect or even physical abuse. You have had enough. You have to give yourself permission to Quit. You must come up with a "lot of loving"language when you talk to your Mother about a place you have looked at.(I do not know what level of care she needs). I suggest you tell her a psychologist has told you ...you cannot care for your Mother any more or you will have a mental breakdown. You may have to repeat several times till she knows you mean it. God is the person you go to about "memories" and the ability to stay where you are. Get a good Christian pastor or counselor. Be sure He agrees and will help you find out how God can help. Because you are in the "same place" physically you have so many memories. If every time you are swept or knocked down with negative ...you go to soething posative. It is not easy and the easy part is to re-locate. You still need Spiritual Help. You have mild disability. A small apt. maybe? That would be a good reason to move. You will have good neighbors. You are "burned out".... Don
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I just sold my parents’ home so that they could move closer to me after a diagnosis of dementia. The single woman who purchased their home was doing just this. She told me that she had recently lost her husband after a long battle and had also lost the rest of her loved ones along the way. She moved from one coast to the other to her “starting over house”. She seemed so very excited and grateful to be doing this and called to thank my parents for taking such good care of her new home. She was so hopeful and excited to be getting a “second chance”. I think that may be a great choice for some people.
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I actually understand your question. I also wonder daily if my mother will outlive me or maybe I will be sick and at 83 taking care of her needs {she had me at 17}.. I ask myself the same question..if I outlive her will I be able to start again. Will I even have the energy to start again? Do I stay in this city? Maybe start fresh elsewhere? …I came here to help and ended up with the job. Caregiving is a lonely job..no one “gets” it unless they lived it. They think they do ..but they do not. I think we should dream about a future that is all about us. I think we can then take a few months to rest our burned brain from the constant complaining and work…..then we can figure out the rest…God Bless You..
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If even home rennovating is a bit daunting now, get a couple of magazines devoted to this sort of thing. Dedicate a folder to the pages you tear out that you like. This is known as an idea book and is quite helpful to get ideas of what you want to do in interior spaces. As you wrote "it would be fun to decorate it properly". Well, time to get a slow start on that-even a few pillows can make a difference.
Seems like overall the neighborhood and neighbors are good for you, a very hard combo to find anywhere. "Location, location, location"......
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First off Lavender you are not stupid at all. So please don't think that about yourself. Not true!

I understand where you are coming from perfectly! Although I did not live in the same home as my mom I did live in a place five minutes from where she lived before she went into nursing care. Every street, every corner, the mall, the coffee shops, the park nearby, all have deep memories for me. The times mom and I went for coffee or lunch at the mall, our walks in the park etc. I saw them every time I left my place. Good memories and sad ones.

For me moving (just to a nearby suburb) helped a lot. It's close but not too close. If I have to go back to the old neighborhood for any reason I am overcome with sadness. In my case the sadness comes not from bad memories so much but just memories of better days when my mom was healthy and the bond we shared.

I know I never want to even enter the hospital where my mom took her last breaths. That I hope to never do again. Fortunately I have a different hospital close to where I am now living.

But this is a personal decision that you need to weigh carefully. Perhaps you could go neighborhood exploring. Get a feel of whats out there. Maybe you don't need to pick up and go far away.
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Dear, Dear Lady; It is so difficult to try and regain a sense of self, having been a caregiver for your mom - I am walking along your same path and as time progresses I often wonder where I will end up - when I will end up! At 78 caring for a 95 year old who suffered a stoke 2 years ago because she was hiding her meds on the floor under her night table "because she hates pills"!! It's discouraging as HER mother lived to 101, and I can't imagine another year let alone 10 more, of the same! I used to have a "bucket list" when I had a life, but the line to the bucket snapped and now here I am, like you wondering and wandering through each day - as I too age. Physically I am fine - but mentally a mess! My siblings are another story - not to ramble but the only son, and my younger sister are "the chosen golden ones", in spite of all I have done for mom for many, many years! Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is a train headed straight for me!! Maybe then I will at least get some rest?!
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Sadinroanokeva Mar 2022
I thought only I carried the thoughts that this will never end. Guilty because I am sick of only three years of it..I truly believe my mother will live to 100…I will be 83. I am healthy now..but brain burned with the nonstop complaining..My brother is the “golden one”..I am moms support system, the target of her unhappiness, and her POA..He gets the huge smiles and is perfect…I am trying to find a way to love my life. I wish you well….Good Luck…
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I was living in a duplex with my Mom in her half and my brother in his half with his wife and two kids. It was miserable. I moved out and went to Maine leaving the circus in Ohio. Less than a year later my mom moved to Maine. I did not let her move in my house. She moved in a senior apartment. We got along fairly well until she died a few months later. My Mom was a PITA and I have very few good Memories of her. I kept her on the outside of my life in Maine. I went to dinner with her occasionally and when she started having health problems I drove her to appointments, visited with her. I'm glad she didn't to live with me in Maine - she stayed a few nights and then moved into senior apt. She didn't get to spread her negativity and hatefulness in to my house. After 6 years of my niece and nephew fighting with me over ownership of the duplex it finally sold last year. I had 19 years living there and 6 years fighting over total ownership. A totally miserable chapter I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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I think you'll have to wait for mom to pass first to know how you will feel about the house, and whether you think you'll be able to stay or if you'll need to leave. But in the meantime, there are things for you to think about & projects you can do to prepare for your future.

Memories can be dealt with this way:
Go thrifting & buy 2 suitcases that need love; old & beat up, like you'll be feeling after all the caregiving is finished. Collect seashells which you love and which bring you joy; either go to the beach to do that, if you live near the shore, or buy them. Cover one of the old suitcases with seashells; glue them on there with a hot glue gun and make the case look lovely & decorative. After mom dies, put all of the positive memories you have of her in there, along with photos & cards/mementos you've collected over the years, her memorial card/funeral card, her favorite items of clothing/jewelry, her wedding photo, etc. That will be your happy memory box to hold onto.

The other suitcase which is old and battered, leave it that way. Fill it with all the bad memories you have of the hard times with mom; the negativity, the hurt feelings, the bad times, the hospital stays, the events where you felt 'stupid' and guilty over things that were said or done, ALL OF IT. Pack up all of those negative memories & baggage into that suitcase and go out into the garden and burn the whole thing up. Let go of everything that way as you watch it smolder and burn. It'll be a good symbol of letting go of the negativity of the past.

Afterward, go in the house and start renovations. Knock it all down to the rafters and rebuild the entire thing, as you're going to rebuild your LIFE/ fresh & clean. Start over. Use the money you would have spent in closing costs, movers, realtor fees, packing materials, and do a renovation. Or as much of a renovation as you can afford with all new and shiny things. Keep only the seashell covered suitcase as a reminder of the positive memories of your old life and of your mother. The rest is all gone, and replaced with new & fresh items to represent the new YOU. Your newly remodeled/redecorated house will be a place to create NEW memories as you wish and see fit! That will be fun, I think!

I think there will always be options for your future when you keep an open mind and a positive outlook. Your caregiving days are numbered; mom won't be here forever. I really thought my mother would live to 100, but she wound up dying all of a sudden, when I least expected it. Everyone kept telling me that would likely happen, but I didn't believe it. I should have b/c it's true.

Keep your head up and your eyes toward the future. Wishing you the very best of luck.
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Beatty Mar 2022
Beautiful. Your post was like a warm blanket of hope placed over the shoulders.
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You already think mom will outlive you so the question is pointless.

And even if you outlive mom if she lives to 90 or even 100 you are already disabled so you will probably be living in a nursing home when she finally dies. I would prepare for that reality over the fantasy of starting a life in your seventies or eighties.
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LavenderBear Mar 2022
My question is not pointless. Many kind & helpful people have taken the time to answer me with some very helpful responses. Am sure those responses will help countless others in similar situations.
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There are so many wonderful suggestions and ideas in all these replies. I totally agree with those recommending a home makeover especially because you mentioned several positives about the house, location, floor plan and more.

I just want to reply about the negative feelings regarding the house. My sister and I grew up in a negative toxic family and I especially disliked our home because of these memories. When we had to sell it - we stripped out all the old carpets and repainted the entire interior all the rooms. We uncovered the original beautiful oak floors and redid them. Painted a pretty neutral color on the walls and it was amazing how different this house looked with new paint and those wood floors. Looking back at these changes I could see how lovely this older home really was.

So I agree with the other comments to get rid of old furnishings and refresh the interior. You may be in for a very positive and pleasant surprise for your efforts.
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Rearrange the furniture, mostly the lamps to a different table, or floor lamp to another spot. Do it today, right now! Makes such a change you'll love it and might give you incentive to move something else!

I open the doors and/or windows every day, no matter the temperature, blow out the old, blow in the new!

Change what you can today and let the rest come as it may!
((((Hugs))))
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Sendhelp Mar 2022
New and different lampshades too!
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Sell some of your furniture, buy some new stuff, or rearrange, repaint, and redecorate. You can make the home yours again -- just pretend you're moving into it for the first time and do it up differently.
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They say when you have a big lfe change not to do anything huge for a year or so. When Mom passed ( and she was pretty easy, but set in her ways ) we redid alot of the house. New floors we wanted and she didn;t, purged alot of stuff. I am now loving my house again.. it's my house again. I do hope to downsize one of these days..but for now I'm glad we didn;t make any sudden moves that were not "undoable"
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Heart2Heart Mar 2022
I've also had these exact thoughts LavenderBear... I think I'll wait also to see how I feel (after the fact). I can't even remember my life or even living in my house BM (before mom)... I won't go into detail, but, like you, it's been extremely hard on me... in so many ways... Just want you to know you're now alone, and I'm so glad you posed this question here. It makes me not feel alone (also) in this situation.
Please take care of yourself... when you can... (I'm trying also... )
hugs...
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