Admitted mom to memory care last week. Such nice staff, beautiful surroundings, she was able to keep her beloved dog. I know it takes time for her to adjust and i have explained over and over(and over!) to her why she needs to be there. Of course she asks why she cant live with me and I explain that too. I have taken care of her for 4 years and managed to let her live alone with caregivers till now. She had become a danger to herself and others so could no longer live alone. I know she is in the best hands possible(and a 5 minute drive from me) so why do I still feel miserable when she complains that she feels "closed in" there and is not happy. I told her that i have literally done all I can for her ( with NO help from my brother) but that she has to choose to be happy, as i cant make her happy, noone can. I have been honest w her that I have reached the point of meltdown exhaustion I know she forgets our conversations but I just wish she werent so self absorbed and could see that Ive honestly done my level best for her instead of pouting when Im around, feeding the ridiculous guilt I feel. Help!!
It's not that she is refusing to be happy. Her brain is not working properly. I would try to adjust my expectations. It sounds like you want validation from her. Why not give yourself that validation? You knew what was right. You did the right thing. Pat yourself on the back for putting your mom's needs first.
I worked so hard to get my loved one into Assisted Living. She needed it desperately and I was so relieved the day I got her admitted! I cried with joy as I drove out of the parking lot. She wasn't particularly happy with living there, but I knew she was exactly where she needed to be to survive. She could not appreciate her condition. I slept for the first time in weeks and thank God for helping me. When you do the right thing, as CWillie says, you have no right to feel guilty.
I recommend that when you feel guilt, you remind yourself that you are a good person and have done what's best. Eventually the feeling with dull (though I think that compassionate people always have some burden of guilt because of their generosity of spirit). I hope that you can recognize that feeling for what it REALLY is soon.
Angel