I see a lot of posts here about parents in their 80’s and 90’s and some pushing 100.
They have Alzheimer’s or another Dementia or Parkinsons etc and their children are trying to look after them while keep them in their home or taking them into their own home. Why? How old are you if your parent is this old? Where is your life? A lot of talk about guilt and not upsetting them. Respecting their wishes or they refuse to go. When my mother was placed in full time care because of Alzheimer’s she was only 65. My father was literally killing himself trying to keep her at home. Life was a nightmare and then he expected me and my brother to help him. He wouldn’t even put her in respite. When he had to have day surgery he thought the nurse would watch her for him but I spoke with her doctor who got a spot for her in respite and while she was there I requested another assessment. That was in October and she was in permanent care in the December.
Your parent if psysically fit and with the aid of these life extending wonder drugs will keep going like a freight train while you will be the one who dies first or ends up debilitated. Their generation is living way beyond their actual life expectancy and the body will find ways to shut itself down and if the body is kept going the mind will shut down.
If you have POA and legal guardianship then use it. Let others (whose actual work is to do so) look after them. Why beat yourself up over it. Don’t you have children and grandchildren and friends? Don’t worry what others may think. You won’t go to hell for it and you will become a happier person.
If you or they have the means put your lived one in care, do so.
Posters come to our community to share their feelings of guilt over having placed a loved one. They need validation and reassurance that they’re not terrible people who dumped their people. On some level, they know it was necessary but they look to us to tell them so. To tell them it’s ok, that THEY will be ok. That they aren’t terrible people who “got rid” of their loved one. That’s what we here for and I’d like to think we do a pretty good job helping people come to terms with a parent who may now be more of a child.
Placing a loved one in a facility may bring relief, but seldom does it bring “happiness”.
i would suggest selling her apartment to pay for care. Would care facility place her while assets are being liquidated?
look for other places. Get her name down in as many as you can. You just need to get into the system then later change if need be
lets face it you’ve had enough. Also the govt is happy for you to do it. They don’t care. Seek some independent advice and get cracking
Ever lost one moment to guilt. It was what it was
Take care of you during this time.
He thought he would move in on my life and take over, regardless of what it cost me, as long as he got what he wanted.
What he didn't consider was maybe I wasn't willing to have my life destroyed because he failed to plan for aging. I have seen some terrible things happen because aged parents and grandparents are going to do it their way,I too do not understand not being able to say no or enough. But my parents were not loving or kind or even around, so to expect to suck my life to prop theirs up wasn't going to happen.
I was referred here to find support and help with placing my dad, he had nothing and made 14 dollars a month to much to receive aid. I was pretty stressed out because I couldn't have someone that actively tried to destroy my life in my home, I found a multitude of different opinions but I did find support, so please don't let anyone run you off because you spoke your heart. It's okay to do that, regardless if others get upset, you will find support for your individual care journey, because I personally know that just because I am not changing diapers doesn't mean I am not providing support and care that impacts my life, it's just on my terms.
My father is in fairly good shape but has more than a little bit of drama. He doesn't have dementia but his eyesight is mostly gone. He also won't do the things he needs to do to be really independent with his vision loss. He simply won't face it.
I also have a job, that while in many ways is a really good job, is also a job that's tearing me apart. I'd be better off without it but that means moving. And, now I have PVC's (extra heart beats) which while not really dangerous, are not things that lower your stress.
The thing is, I know he really can't do it on his own. The moment something goes wrong, and it will, I'll get the phone call. He's been dying <sarcasm> 3 times in the last year and a half. So I get job stress and his stress and I'm pretty close to being out of reserve.
And, comparatively to a lot here, I have it easy and I'll at least get a nice inheritance out of it.
I have no idea how some of you do it. I can't imagine it being anything but like being in prison in some cases. And if it does this to me, what it's doing to those of you who are caring for someone at home with heavy dementia, man, I can't imagine it.
what I have learned on this site is that people end being full time caregivers for different reasons. Some made promises to their parents that they would never “put them in a home”. Some believe they are morally obligated/required to take care of their aging/ailing parents. Some fell in to it. Some had no idea what they were getting into and are now past the point of no return.
i don’t think anyone is obligated or required to take care of their parents. I think if you can help, you should BUT it should be on YOUR terms. Do what you want to do, what you are comfortable doing and put yourself first!!
When people say they stepped up and became their parents caregiver because they had to, because there was no one else to do it, I think to myself “yes there was. But that’s not the path you chose to take”. There is always the option of AL and nursing homes. For those who can’t self-pay, there is Medicaid. Bottom line, if an elder cannot take care of themselves, there are options. But you have to know what the options are and you have be willing to go that route. Not everyone is willing to go that route. For the reasons I mentioned above. And we must not judge them but try to understand and have empathy.
I supposed i might think differently if I were older and my children were older.....but for now, I really don’t believe that anyone of us HAS to give up our lives to take care of our parents. I don’t. I dislike when people say “it’s your parent. They changed your diaper and fed you”. Yes. Yes they did. But I am not in debt to them over it. There is a BIG difference between raising a child and taking care of an ailing parent. Why should anyone give up their life and make huge sacrifices to take care of their parents? My FIL is at the point where he needs caregivers. He’s got a feeding tube. He can’t take care of himself. His children are in their 30s & early 40s and their (our) children are in elementary school! Why should we sacrifice our lives to take care of him? I know that sounds bad. But really......to become a full time caregiver which is what he needs, someone would have to give up their career and they would miss their children’s soccer games, gymnastics meets, Boy Scout events, etc. There would be no weekend getaways and family vacations. The marriage would suffer because the spouse would be 3rd in line. And probably go resentful. FIL would have to come first. Why should anyone do that to their children? Why put their parent first? Their parent raised (or had their chance to) their kids. Shouldn’t their kids get the same opportunity? For me, my husband and kids come first. I just can’t see sacrificing our lives to take care of our parents. I can’t. I can see us helping on our terms but that’s it.
And for those who are still young enough to find love and start a family, why give that up? Why put careers on hold? For what? And then what? What happens when mom or dad is gone and you are now 50-60 years old, no job, no spouse, no kids. No retirement. And what about physical and mental health??? Who is going to take care of you when the physical toll of caregiving has debilitated you? You never found a significant other or had children because you devoted yourself to taking care of mom and dad. Now they are gone and your quality of life sucks and for what?
The more I think about it, I don’t think I will change my mind about this.
My own personal belief—we all want our parents to be taken care of properly. We want what is best for them. If we can’t take care of them properly, there is nothing wrong with handing them over to those WHO CAN. It’s not wrong. It’s not selfish. Sometimes what is best for them, is what we think is the worst thing for them.
God forbid, I'm not saying you were lucky! It must have been horrendous, and hugs to you. But most families are dealing with a lot of ambiguity and a much more protracted grey area where they don't yet have the authority to take over decisions. It's just not that straightforward.
We are both retired, with fixed incomes and our own aging to plan and save for. She has a modest pension, Medicare, and SS benefits, but we have explored options and there are time limits to her benefits she will likely outlive and medical necessity criteria she likely will not meet. We live in a rural area where little is available.
So, although an assisted living placement would be beneficial for her medically and socially, and for us, especially as my husband is now partially disabled and has his own health problems at 72, it is not feasible.
We wrestled with this issue a couple of years ago when she was abusing medication and experiencing drug induced dementia, but we straightened her out, and here we are. It is frustrating and confining, especially for my husband, who had different plans for his retirement that now will likely not happen, but it's helpful to accept life on life's terms, since that's how it happens.
I'm only 46 and after this experience with my dad and now my mom I wonder what, if any, of these "life extending wonder drugs" I'll be willing to accept when it's my turn. Time will tell. I had my kids late-ish. They are still very young so I want to be a part of as much as I can. However, I REALLY don't want them to have to put their lives on hold to care for me. For now, we save and set up for our retirement in hopes that all is taken care of.
I believe Australia has a much different way of dealing with elders. Here in the U.S. the cost alone is staggering. Most nice, well staffed, assisted living facilities cost upwards of $5,000 a month and if you need memory care that cost is doubled. Where do you find the money for that? And if you do have the money then you get to play the how much money does your person have vs. how long do you think they'll live game.
Yes, when they run out of money they can apply for Medicaid but Medicaid gets to decide who receives it and they look back a period of time, usually 5 years but it depends on the state that you live in how long they look back. Only after they decide your loved one can receive Medicaid do you receive it and then you have to find a nursing home or facility that ACCEPTS Medicaid. Mind you, some of those facilities pay their staff an hourly wage less than they would make at McDonald's.
Also, you as your loved ones advocate, don't get to pick which facility YOU would like them to go to, they go to the one that has an open bed. Period. That is how it works here in the U.S.
Thank you!!!!
I believe Australia has a much different way of dealing with elders. Here in the U.S. the cost alone is staggering. Most nice, well staffed, assisted living facilities cost upwards of $5,000 a month and if you need memory care that cost is doubled. Where do you find the money for that? And if you do have the money then you get to play the how much money does your person have vs. how long do you think they'll live game.
Yes, when they run out of money they can apply for Medicaid but Medicaid gets to decide who receives it and they look back a period of time, usually 5 years but it depends on the state that you live in how long they look back. Only after they decide your loved one can receive Medicaid do you receive it and then you have to find a nursing home or facility that ACCEPTS Medicaid. Mind you, some of those facilities pay their staff an hourly wage less than they would make at McDonald's.
Also, you as your loved ones advocate, don't get to pick which facility YOU would like them to go to, they go to the one that has an open bed. Period. That is how it works here in the U.S.
I get it. I know I will miss my mom terribly too. We develop an unnatural codependency. We need to have a healthy balance. All about balancing our lives. All of us struggle to achieve it, easier for some, really hard for others. I pray for all of us, along with the elderly.
My life sux at this moment but after reading your post I know what I need to do for me!!!!
I’m the one who does the hard things. I’m the bad guy — in that I’ve moved that woman twice now, out of necessity — and she screams at me that I take her stuff. Well, lady, I moved your shoes, and bedding, and clothes, when you said you didn’t want any of it. I flush your toilet when you don’t, I clean the floors, your bathtub, and take out your trash. I turn off lights when you don’t, the stove when you don’t, the water that you leave running in the sink, when you don’t.
My work (we work at home) is suffering because of all this. I’m making mistakes.
MIL used to sit at our table (as a guest, when she had her own place) and glare at me as if she’d take a knife to my throat. My wife of going on 19 years now, would notice and say, “Hey, what’s up? Why are you looking at K like that?” And make her stop.
I’ve bent over backwards for this woman — put my body and our money into moving costs, a hoarding-hauling service, advised her of free and low-cost dental and health services — because she won’t care for herself. Her teeth are rotting. But she keeps her body clean. And her clothes: she washes them in buckets in the tub — goes on for hours — rather than give me to launder for her. (At times, she’s “let” me do her laundry for her.)
I won’t be her victim. She hates that I won’t wilt as she pushes her face into mine, after storming up the stairs mad about something, AGAIN. When things are better, and I try, with true sincerity, to connect with her, she’s sarcastic w/me, at best. She’s confused. She doesn’t make sense. Her judgment is off. She makes the simplist things complex, the most innocuous things contentious.
I’m being self-pitying singular, here. My wife, too, has suffered. She supports all my efforts. But she’s not the one who makes the calls, writes the letters (to MIL’s last known doctor). My wife has serious chronic illnesses. She’s just trying to keep our business going under remarkably difficult economic challenges while dealing with relentless physical pain, nausea and exhaustion.
So be it. I’m done. It’s either a Crisis Intervention, or wait until the next “thing” — Lysol sprayed in my face, hit at, sworn at, cornered and menaced and most recently, a box thrown at my head. Because I only suffered a nick, and I’ve read all these stories on this forum of how many are suffering more than I, and because my wife, her only child, said “No” when I asked if I should call 911 this time, I didn’t.
Bjork has a cathartic song, “If you Complain Once More” (again, catharsis). Well, to paraphrase Bjork, this rescue squad isn’t coming, anymore. I’m too exhausted.
Every person has to decide what's best for them in terms of making the decision to transition their parent(s) to a community or not. Things to consider about yourself when trying to make decisions include impact of caregiving on your health, stress level, relationships, impact on other family members, job, finances, level and quality of care you're actually providing. Things to consider about your parent(s) include their overall health, cognition and behavior, fall risk, level of assist they require for self-care and other daily activities, mobility, safety (can they really be alone or do you cross your fingers every day when you leave for work or other obligations?).
If your only reason for not transitioning your parent to a care community is because of guilt, it's a good idea to try to understand and work through that guilt so that you can make the decision that is best for your parent(s).